Down Then Up

Score: 1.5

I’ve been putting off blogging. I haven’t felt much like sharing. I have turned inward a bit and have been struggling with depression for days. Low point was -3.5 which is s record. My energy is in the shit tank. Thankfully, things seem to be improving. 

Amanda and I had an earnest discussion and resolved to divide the household chores more evenly. I know I assumed this extra responsibility but I can’t go on at the speed I was going. I have to start taking smaller steps less leaps and bounds. My psych doctor thinks I was hypo manic for a time before crashing. I think that’s accurate. I even took on more that final week. Then boom. 

I’m doing better now. I’m still struggling in the morning. I had a full day today and it was fine. I kept busy but I just didn’t have the same umph I’ve had in the past. Maybe that’s the mania talking. I need something less than I had but more than I have now. I think things are going the right direction. 

I’m up to 900 mg of lithium. It’s still not even a starter dose but they want blood work done. I’m supposed to go in tomorrow and do it. I have to stay on top of that shit. 

Well, goodnight. I’m hopeful some recharging action will take place. 

Smash

Score: -2

After therapy last night I really came to terms with my state. I am sliding down into depression, and the circumstances of my life and my responsibilities are crushing me flat. I can no longer hold my end up, and I am calling out for help. I’m feeling lost and isolated. I’ve never felt more disconnected from happiness. 

Amanda has stepped up and taken on more responsibility as I just can’t keep doing all the things I was doing. I talked to my dad today and he doesn’t want to see me drag my life down trying to make things work the way they are. He’s scared I will crash and burn and force us all to start over again. I don’t think that’s where we are headed, because Amanda and I desire change. We don’t want to be down forever. 

I’m out of gas. My enthusiasm has drained out of me through the open wound of unending sadness. The depression is beginning. I am going to see my doctor tomorrow and bounce some ideas off her. Maybe we can alter my medication temporarily to get me through this tough time. 

I’m short on words because they’re all bunched up in my throat just stuck there. I can’t think clearly, and I’m volatile. I just hope that tomorrow is better, and my doctor can help me. 

Toil

Score: +2.5

When the energy is down, things are harder. Today I endured despite sluggishness, and that stiff feeling you get when its cold. It’s actually cold, so that could have been a part of it…

I’m hopeful we can rebound from the recent hardships we have been through. Amanda is still having a hard time going to work, and there is always something preventing us from resuming normal life. We both yearn for stability, but getting there is another matter entirely. I guess I’m being foolishly optimistic thinking that a return to normal is possible. Normal is insubstantial, because all that matters is the now, and now can be hard, but it is happening and there is no avoiding it. I’m done waisting time hoping for a break. Life doesn’t give out breaks, it gives out knuckle sandwiches. 

Yes things are hard. I’m doing the best I can to survive, and doing a good job of it. I go see Margaret tomorrow and that aught to be fun. Therapy is always refreshing with her. 

Have s good night blog. It’s only Monday. 

Otherwise

Score: +3

 Today was an improvement over yesterday to be sure. I got things done and we took the boy to the park. It has been an eventful day off, and just about over now as I write this. Tomorrow I work, and that will likely be pretty dull. I wish I was getting two days off instead of just one. 

I still have those sad thoughts, but I reflect on them briefly before letting them go. I notice, and release. The feelings can’t stay if I don’t feed them my attention, so they move on. Back into the darkness. 

I’m tired. This is the last thing I will do tonight. 

Burninated

Score: +1.5

Big decline today. I have been having thoughts about my exes, flashes from the past that come back at me in stark contrast to reality. It’s not an accurate representation of the past, because it neglects the context and carries on only the peaks of happiness. I’m distinctly aware that my life now is far less turbulent as my life has been for most of it, so the exhilaration of the “ride” is gone. Don’t get me wrong, I would MUCH rather have the stability I have now compared to said ride. I lived from peak emotion to trough, over and over again. It has been that way for more than half of my life. Until just recently, I was unable to do anything but ride the ride and hope it all worked out. I tried various medication cocktails, and different doctors, and it all failed. I tried to kill myself just a couple years ago. So, to have those two years of stability is, frankly, amazing. I feel better and more confident than I ever have before, and I’m proud of what I do and who I am as a person. I have accomplished a lot in that short time. But it’s not the ride. These memories are reminders of what life felt like when things were out of control. I have done good things, and bad things, but it’s the good things that hurt the most from these past relationships. They remind me of the acute presence of love, the way I first understood it, as passionate and present and totally unique depending on who she was. I still remember it all very well, so it’s easy for my mind to recall something quite relevant. It saddens me, because I blame myself for things that happened, things I was responsible for and failed to do. It reminds me of how it all fell apart, and what went wrong and why. Like reliving a box score from the game over and over again, hoping somehow the numbers will change, and your team would win. But it’s already written and done. The past is over, and the part of me that used to feel that love, or lust, or whatever hybrid of those two things is dead, and empty. It’s a hollow place that these emotions bounce around inside echoing on and on into the deepest depths of the emptiness, until they fade and are gone. It’s a place that will never be full again, and I know this to be the truth, and that the emptiness is a burden I must carry as penance for the things I have done to myself to place these tragedies in my history. I will never be rid of the reminders of my past, so I must find an alternative method of coping with them. I cannot establish a trend of being crippled by recollections of things that happened that mean NOTHING to the present. Here and now, none of that has anything to do with what I’m doing. It’s not possible to forget those things, and I guess, I should not want to, because I am still responsible for everything I remember. I must own what I have been through in order to move ahead as a whole person. I know I can get through this, but the way I was feeling today was not good, and I needed to start my weekend a little early, considering I only get 1 day off. So I needed to get all that out there. It has been crushing me down the last few days as I grapple with how not to bludgeon myself over these things.

When Do We Break?

Score: +3

Sometimes I wonder about my energy over the long haul. I’m really pushing myself to go the extra distance in my life, and I seem to be mostly stable. There are underlying hints that there are cracks in the glass: I get sudden rushes of heartbreak and sadness from my past still, most every day. Sometimes it just comes back, but the typical culprit to recollection is music. The right song can have a significant impact, bringing the past into the present in an instant. Other than those emotional upwellings, things are solid. I’ve never felt more secure in my life. Money is a little tight right now, but my next paycheck should remedy that. Just have to survive until Thursday. 

Amanda is finally getting results from her psychiatrist. She’s going off the problematic antipsychotic and up on the helpful mood stabilizer. The carb retention has become overwhelming for her. We don’t have the best diet, but we do pretty good. We’re not eating crap all the time, just every once and a while. I think once she starts losing weight, that she will feel better. Right now her self confidence is low because she resents the way she looks. Personally, I find her attractive regardless of how much she weighs, but my words don’t change how she feels about herself right now. At least she got through to the doctor. 

I guess I’m a little bit scared about what might be coming for me. I have this dread that something bad is going to happen. Is there any evidence to support this fear? No, not really. I just sit here at night sometimes and wonder. I am continuing to push forward for a better life for me and Amanda. She needs my help to get through this tough spot. Together, I do not think we will fail. Instead, I believe we will prove to be a force to be reckoned with. 

Behind Curtains

Score: +3

I was right not to doubt when I posted last night. I had a rock solid day today, got through my shif uninhibited and felt positive by the end. I did have some bad feelings come up, but then they went away. Like an emotional burp. 

I spent time answering phone calls today because the ticketing systems were so up to date. 

I find that I move my hair out of my eyes about 8,000 times a day. Having hair this long is pretty new to me. I’m usually a buzz cut guy, but no more. Now the mission is pony tail. So I’m still getting used to life from behind my partially closed curtains. Good thing I have wide-rimmed glasses, because they consistently deflect my hair’s incursions into my field of view. 

We got our new e-cigs today and mine is unbelievably rad. It hits like a semi and looks like a bazooka. I feel much more secure now with this unit, and it’s up to me to make sure it gets treated properly. 

My life seems to be going good. Things are hard for Amanda and I right now, but we haven’t given up and won’t. I know we can get to a better place. We are in the business of small steps, and to do that every day is all the victory we need. As long as the forward march continues, we are going to be ok. I love Amanda, and I have her back through whatever happens. 

It’s rewarding… being there for someone. It’s a strong and quiet type of reward, because I know in my heart that I’m doing a good thing. I have no ulterior motive or manipulation in store. This is my devotion, pure and simple. I am committed to this woman and I think we can live happily for a long time. I intend to get her smile back, because she deserves it. We all need to feel happy in our lives. It’s what I live for. 

I hope turbulent heartbreak thoughts are not going to be a problem this week. I’m just trying to get in the flow. The week has only just begun.