Forward Again

Score: +3

I realized today that I have it pretty good. My life is safe, stable and flourishing. Things aren’t perfect, but nothing ever really is, and we find ways to cope regardless. I talked to my psych doctor and I really didn’t have anything to report that was negative or abnormal. Ever since we added the Buspar, I have been largely symptom free. My life is full of responsibility and stress, but this is exactly what I expected. I’ve taken on a lot, and I have meaning as a result. I have earned a reputation for being a hard worker and a trustworthy person, and I feel good about who I have become. I have taken many steps back along the way, and I have done my best to learn from them. I still make mistakes, and I accept that I will without becoming enamored by frustration.

I’ve been cruising along nicely, but I have noticed that I have less overall energy than I used to have when my schedule allowed me to sleep in and wake up naturally. I think this is ok though. I’m more useful if I clock in earlier. I don’t need to stay up at night, I’m not the kind of person who waits until night to go out and do things anyway. I’m relatively boring but I don’t mind.

My parents returned to San Diego after being gone for 4 months, and that was nice. We had a little party and it was good fun. My birthday is coming up on Friday, and Amanda, Tristan and I are all going over to the RV for a party. It’s going to be fucking awesome. I just hope we can keep Tristan distracted enough for the duration. It’s the first time we have all been together.

Well, I’m feeling a tad drained from my cancellation weekend. I really never got refilled the whole time. I slept a lot, I just felt exhausted continuously. I have missed a few hours here this week so far, I just keep running out of fuel and I poop out a couple hours before my shift ends. My work is super flexible with my schedule so I have nothing to worry about. They really value what I do there. So everything is ok.

I Am glad I can come here and just process. I have felt too tired to sit down and write lately, but I will fall back into the habit again here soon. It’s not easy to write (for me) when things are gong good. It’s pretty boring, even for me to reiterate.


Score: +2.5

I didn’t go into work on Friday and that whole day pretty much became a cancellation. I also didn’t go to my psych doctors appointment. I figured: I’m doing fine, I’ll see her in a few weeks and tell her as much. My parents came home, and it was great to see them. My mom brought back about 45 pounds of rock. Good quality Quartz, Jasper, Jade and Agates of varying color. She found the kush green banded Jade, which is quite expensive. It will make for some excellent jewelry. Truly. I’m glad they’re back. 

Amanda and I were productive today. We did chores, went shopping, bought a crystal growing kit (see: shits and giggles) and I even went back to my parent’s to pick up my old iPhone which I am giving to my mom (pending a new SIM card so it will truly be hers). But really, I just wanted to get into my elastic shorts and lay around. I’ve felt so drained the last two days. I’m out of it. But hopefully tomorrow will be better. I’m looking forward to the slate of NFL games, starting with a 6:30 am game in London. I’m not giving myself a great chance to win this weekend in fantasy football, but it would be pivotal if I captured at least one victory. We’ll see. 

Amanda and I are doing good. We have a very relaxed way about us. It’s not a relationship where I always need to be paying attention to her. She pretty much does her own thing. I don’t worry about our relationship falling apart; we never fight and we seem pretty content with the way things are. She’s very much her own person, and I respect that. The relationship is not her identity, as it should never be. This is really the first time I’ve been with someone who was an adult. She’s got herself figured out, there’s no experimenting or denial. I respect her immensely. 

Here’s hoping for som nor zest. 

Less Than Maximum

Score: +3

231 Day Average: +2.93

I haven’t really had the “umph” to write much lately. Things at work have been complex and energy-consuming, but I generally enjoy the work I do more than I did in the past. I just wish I was making what I’m worth.

I’ve had a bit of a break from stress lately. Things have been less crazy-intense. I’m finding I have a bit more energy after my shift is over, and I can muster the strength to do a few chores here and there. Amanda is back in a depressive cycle. She’s with her doctor right now trying to work with him on a solution. She missed work again today and things have been hard for her at work because of it. She’s struggling, and there’s nothing I can do about it but be there to comfort her.

My parents are coming back this week, and I think Amanda and I are going over to their mobile abode Friday after work. It’s been more then 4 months since I saw them. I’m looking forward to this week being over for more reasons than that. I feel like my energy reserves are draining slowly, and soon I will not have much left. I need better sleep, and I really wish I could wake up quickly and get going. Things have been a slog for me in the mornings. Maybe I’m getting depressed too?

Amanda bought me an e-cig for my birthday (which is coming up) and I really like it. I was about to go buy a pack of cigarettes because I had the craving SO BAD, but this seemed like a better solution. I got smoky flavors, and they are nice. i can’t imagine the sweet tasting ones… yorf. I much prefer vaping pot, or smoking musky cigarettes or cloves. It’s the bold smoke taste that gets me. I also like black coffee, see STRONG. Anyway, I brought it with me to work and it was cool having it on my 15 minute breaks. I’ve been following fantasy football through the week but not doing that second-guessing thing I had been doing. IO lost last week because I did that. So now, I’m just going to go with the initial gut-reaction and play it from there. Rethinking things only leads to disaster.

Have a good day blog, nice to see you.

One Day

Score: +3

So I only get one day off this week; I’m back at my desk Sunday. Overall things have been good. Work has finally lightened up a bit, and tomorrow should be a pretty chill day. For a while there I was being crushed under the stress, and I was not sure how long I would be able to go on at that level. I also asked for a raise and was told the company has a salary freeze in place. So no raise anytime soon, regardless of all the extra work I’m doing. I’ve clearly gone above and beyond what they asked me to do when they hired me. I will not give up on my pay raise, but it will have to be a near future type thing. I also made it clear that I would keep working at a high level regardless. 

We went to the arcade today with Tristan. Amanda has been feeling depressed again lately, and her work weeks have been really hard on her. She’s enrolled in this super-rigorous diet program which will start early next month. She’s in pain because there is just too much extra weight on her body. I think it’s going to be hard, but positive. I like that when she identifies a problem she does something to fix it. 

It was pretty bad for a few weeks there. I gained some weight, I was stressed out every day. But that seems to be over. Even though I have to go in tomorrow, it’s not so bad. At least it’s not 12 in a row. Right?

It Should Ease?

Score: +3

I thought that things would slow down at work, but they really haven’t. I find I have less and less energy as the days of ceaseless labor go by. But I do work an unabashedly brutal schedule. Getting up that early every day seems to take a mental toll. Over time. 

I wish I had pep. I have no pep. Where can I did the pep?

Amanda and I are doing really good. We have been helping each other out with our home responsibilities and playing a lot of Minecraft. We have Tristan this week. 

I’m going to see Margaret on Thursday. 

I had this dream the other night that Amanda got crushed by a shelf and died, it was horrifying and sad. It felt so convincingly that I had lost her. I hate vivid dreams like that. I woke up and I thought I was going to cry. 

I need to demonstrate some consistency. I have missed time to illness and now I need to just go and pound out some hours in the office. It’s been hard for me to stay, but I am going to make a concerted effort. 

My parents are coming back in a week and a half. Things will be neat when they return. I haven’t seen them in months. I’ve let my hair go grow pretty much the whole time they’ve been gone. I lost a lot of weight, but I recently gained some of it back. Food is delicious. Enough said. 

Have a nice day. 

Living The “High Life”

Score: +2.5

Commence with the summary! I notched a full day today after missing time due to illness this week. The release of knowing Friday evening has arrived was sweet and savory like so much pulled pork. I relished the drive home, even though it was just to my aunt’s house for computer work. I picked up sushi tonight for dinner, because what is a fun evening without a spider roll? A shit suck beanbag evening, that’s what. 

Today was monotonous, and tiring when you are battling fatigue. I hung in there despite my inclination to flee. I focused my attention on upcoming sojourn in happiness, which would surely be nice. And I was right. Amanda and I  even went out on a limb and drank a cup of coffee after 5:30 pm. Yes, that’s right… I shit you not. Now that’s living the fucking high life. We played Minecraft until our eyeballs exploded, but coffee doesn’t keep me awake anymore. I’m pooped the butt. Here I am in bed at less than 8:00 pm and I’ve all but surrendered my first few hours of freedom to sleepiness. There’s nothing to be done. I was up at 4:30 today and I used my yellow head sponge all day long. At some point, even pumping unleaded gasoline through the fucking thing won’t resuscitate it. If daisies could be pushed out of the top of my head, I’m sure they would have been. 

So I will keep this high-water-mark post of unfathomable glory short and sweet. Things are never better than they are in Friday night. It’s the crust of the cheesecake. 


Score: +2.5

I was out all day yesterday and only worked a half day today. I was in a blurry tired place all day. My head has been pounding, my throat is scratchy and I’ve been sneezing/coughing constantly. I have now run out of sick leave. Sadly. 

But I think I really needed the break. My energy has been in the crapper. I slogged through four hours today and barely held it together. Amanda and I both are fighting something off. She stayed home today too. I intend on an early bedtime, with some much needed battery recharging. 

Other than the illness, things have been fine. Amanda and I are having fun on our mine craft server. Though recently I died and lost everything I had saved up: diamond tools, ender pearls, tons of food and arrows… all because a creeper got through the portal and detonated as soon as I came through, casting me into lava where I perished rapidly. It sucked. The nether is one horrible burning hell dimension with scores of bad things aiming to kill you. I went back shortly after losing all 37 of my levels and died right away to a horde of pig zombies on a futile mining mission. I have not been back there since. I have, instead, expanded my mineshaft to great lengths, so much so that a cart will almost certainly be needed to get in and out of it because the walking distance is insane. 

I’m tired. There’s a football game on tonight, but I probably won’t watch much of it.