Testament Of Respect

I’ve been a fool in the past, often committing myself to situations that warranted a much deeper level of understanding than they were given. I never offered myself the chance to know my partners, and the differences that arose once sturdy bridges had been built caused me a great deal of suffering. I have vowed not to repeat these same transgressions.

I’m thinking about Amanda, and the way she has accepted me, flaws and all. I have laid some seriously pungent history on her, and in return she has kissed me. I don’t know what to say, I’m surprised that she can still see who I am despite all the emotional crime I have perpetrated. I try so hard to live a life I can be proud of, that I often wonder if it will ever be enough to equalize the sins of my past. I’ve hurt so many, made so many fatal mistakes, even taken my life for granted and tried to throw it away. I don’t know why I deserve a person like Amanda.

But truly I am a being bound to the doctrine of forgiveness, and held upright by an unending desire to grow. I face myself in the mirror, and I look at the man I am, and I feel proud of him. I’m not discounting what I have done, but I am forgiving myself. I must. I need to be unencumbered by my mistakes in order to blossom as a new person. If I was stuck beating myself down over two divorces and three people I loved all driven away from me forever, how could I grow into pride again?

Amanda reminds me that I am a creature of change, and that my story is still being written. I have the choice to continue on and represent myself in the world, or I can spiral down and implode into nothing. The decision has always been mine, and now I strive for a life I can feel proud of. I don’t do this for her, I do it for me, because I am the only one I have any control over. I choose how I want to be; no one else can decide that for me. Can I rise to the occasion?

I think I am making progress as a person. I really do like who I am, heavy luggage and all. I have failed to learn enough from my past partners before offering them my unconditional love. I gave it out to whoever showed some interest, and that has led to consecutive failure. I will not do that again. I have grown from the boy who loved so blindly, to the man who thinks so clearly. I deserve that, and it is out of respect to Amanda that I am reserved, because I really do want to build something that lasts with her, and I would squander that chance by hurrying us along to a place we are still climbing up to. Time is the great spectator, watching events unfold: will we burn up like paper in fire, or will we glow like embers? The choice is ours.

So peace be with you on your journey. I am resting assured that my heart is singing the song of infatuation, while hardened by the respect of longevity. I will not ruin this beautiful thing I am making with Amanda. I will be strong. I will be true. Goodnight.

First Light

I’m in a good mood. I woke up this morning to the soft blue glow of the dawn, and was up and ready to go in to time flat. Today I’m not leaving home until much later than I normally do: I have to go by the credit union and create a cashier’s check so that I pay my rent. I always do this a few days before it is due, because that’s just how I roll. Punctual at all times, and preemptive whenever possible.

I have been hanging out in limbo over two very prominent mods: Ultimate Apocalypse and Edain, both of which were expected to be released between now and the end of March. I am unsure which mod will be our first, as Edain looks closer to releasing the four faction demo than UA. So I’m checking the sites regularly and the only news I have so far is that the UA team had some problems with donations, and were working on getting them fixed. Not really any news about a release date or any such event.

It’s Tuesday. I work straight through until Saturday, where I have another 7:30 to 4:00 pm shift. My parents will be in town at that time, so I may just cruise on over to the RV park in La Mesa and see them after my shift. I can pick up Moo and together we can go see the rocks, which were delayed in yet another technical snafu. One of the tumblers shut off and was not rolling for the entire week. The slurry never formed because they weren’t rotating because of a power failure to tumbler 1. Tumbler 2 was done though, and I switched it over to the 500 grit. So now we are a bit out of sync, and I am making daily trips down there to make sure they are behaving normally.

For now, adieu. Amanda’s son Tristan is sickies today, so have him and his wellbeing in your thoughts.

**UPDATE 8:35 am**

I just checked the tumblers, and they are both still going. No stoppages of rotation as far as I can tell.

I’m waiting for the bank to open at 9 so I can make my rent check. I have a bit of time to kill.

Today is going to be a good day. Last night sucked when Jason just decided to not take any incoming calls for the length of the final hour. So it was all on me. He’s a very skilled tech, but that was a lame thing to do to me. I was pretty pissed when I left there. I don’t care what kind of personal problem he might be having, don’t abandon your teammates.

**UPDATE 1:00 pm**

I got my new glasses today!!! I can see again! And it’s like having high definition vision. I had been used to everything in the background being out of focus, and now I can see with laser accuracy. I mean, laser. I feel great, and I fucking love my new glasses.

**UPDATE 3:30 pm**

It’s rad to be able to see again. I feel great. I had myself a big coffee and I am still tired. I guess the double shot is not going to do the trick anymore. My friend Will is going to call me tonight after I get home. I’m going to tell him all about the stuff I have been doing. He’s moving back to Portland in the coming days, and giving it yet another try with his (now) girlfriend Sandra. They have broken up several times and I sure hope this is a healthy thing for him to be doing. Though I would have no clue considering I know little about their relationship.

Anyway. The final quarter of my day is here. Time to make a mad dash for the finish line. See you tonight.

The Learning Stage

I’m at a special time in a relationship when the preliminary hurdles have been overcome: what mistakes were made in the past, what socially unacceptable things are a part of who I am, what sour chapters of my history that have been etched in the obelisk of my life, and so on. Once you get past the brutal reality, there is only green grass and warm sunlight for miles. The next task becomes exploration of a vast new land, full of secrets waiting to be unearthed. I’ve done this part of a relationship many times before, but I feel like I held back my preferences and beliefs, because they were not compatible with my partner. Some things I found caused me concern, but I never voiced it. I kept those things a secret from my partners and stuffed them down, stranding them in an oubliette of forgetting. I cannot do that again.

In this time of discovery, things begin to feel safer. The things that could have caused major differences are past, and what remains is largely about appreciation. The tumble into understanding hastens, and intimacy deepens as the pages are turned. I want to fall in love with Amanda, and I think I will. As I open up to her, I will unfurl my emotions and they will solidify into connections that bring us closer together. My heart already beats for her, and that energy invades all parts of me. My manhood is electric for her physical self, rising even with just a few words of trust from her lips. I am a machine, pumping the fluids of eccentric joy. I have found someone who I desire to know deeply, of who’s respect I yearn for, and who’s body I’m enslaved by.

Tonight is a night of peace, as the fertile land of my uncharted journey lays beneath me; a welcoming landscape I pine to explore. And soon I shall, and I will find myself neck deep in enthusiasm for her, as if I wasn’t already.

Have a tranquil and restful night. On the cusp of great things, I bid thee farewell.


It’s been:

331 days since I tried to kill myself, and my life with Jax came to an end.

218 days since I started working for Mood Media.

115 days since I moved into my apartment.

63 days since I was officially divorced.

12 days since I met Amanda.

Get After It

It’s the start of a new week, and I feel great. I spent a wonderful weekend with someone I care about, and even got some shit done all the while. I woke up ready for my day, and now that it is upon me, I find it to be pretty laid back and event-less. No one is calling, even though it is typically busiest on Monday morning.

I got a bit of a workout this weekend doing things with my body that I had not done in many many months. Not that I’m complaining; it’s the good kind of sore.

Today is already a slog. I will keep this little post updated over the length of my shift.

**UPDATE 2:30 pm**

It got busy for a little while there, but has slowed down again. Amanda wants me to meet her son, and it looks like we are going to do that on Sunday at 9. I’m excited that she wants to take that step. We are happy together, and we’ve already covered so much ground. Our conversations have been deep and meaningful. Our understanding of each other’s pasts has been extensive and optimistically curious. We are engaging on deep and meaningful levels in multiple regards. I’m very pleased.

I hope your afternoon is rolling by without being a pain in the ass. Peace.

**UPDATE 3:45 pm**

Last break of the day. Things have slowed again. I’m feeling like I could use some coffee, but I don’t have time to go get any, and there’s no way I’m drinking work coffee. Rancid pig vomit that stuff is. Also known as Folgers.

Amanda has her son this week, and I am glad she will be with someone who loves her. It’s an invigorating feeling to be the twinkle in someone’s eye, to have an everlasting hold of their heart. I admire and respect the mother-child relationship.

Things are good blog. I will be happy to be headed home, despite my need to go shopping before I get to jump into my jams. All good things to those who wait.


Rapture of night,
Hues bent and pale,
Sullen as the arctic sea,
Crisp snap of white fire.

Skirts caught in the wind,
The promise of hands–
And forgotten regret,
Shadows under the stars,
A distant whisper.

Run ragged in passion,
Exploratory fingers,
A taste of soft seams,
Subtle to yearn,
Desperate for release,
The clutch of together.

Child of moonlight,
A story in her eyes,
Wear the hat of chance,
Ever embraced,
The search is over.

Sunday Bliss

I have had an awesome day, and feel fantastic about how I spent my weekend. Amanda and I got back together this morning and had a day of talking, sharing, gaming and intimacy. I did my laundry with her, changed the rock tumblers as well, and found myself enjoying my day off tremendously, in the company of someone I find very special.

We fit together, and we are already building a bond that I intend to last. I don’t know what the future will reveal, but with every fiber of my desire, I want to spend it with her.

I feel amazing. Today is usually a sullen day, one that I spend alone, watching TV or playing games. But I have no one to talk to, and the stone floors are so very cold and unforgiving. I have been truly shocked by how good I feel with her, and how sweet and thoughtful she is. I find her interesting on many levels, and we still have so much to talk about. The learning has only just begun, and I am captivated by her at this moment in our journey. I don’t know what else to say, I’m happy right down to my core, and the empty hole inside me left vacant by love forsaken is being nurtured and healed.

I’m pretty tired. I didn’t get to bed until around 1 last night, and I will have to do some cleaning in my bathroom tomorrow morning. I had started to clean it, but then I shaved and messed it all up again. My dishes are done though, and that was bothering me that I hadn’t done them.

Have a good night blog. I will rest easy and peacefully, and dream of my Luna.


I’m up WAY past my bedtime, and with good reason. Plans changed rapidly today as towards the end of my shift Amanda and I got to talking. We agreed that instead of meeting for coffee we’d much rather play Diablo II, so she offered to host a LAN party at her apartment. I thought it would be way more fun than me sitting alone at home on Skype so I agreed. I went home after work and gathered up the essential computer components and headed over.

We got into a conversation, and soon Diablo II was nearly forgotten as we shared stories of trauma, past relationships and general philosophies about our perceptions of the world. It was the most refreshing and amazing discussion I’ve had with anyone in a long time. We held nothing back, and told each other the unadulterated truth. I asked her if we could see each other exclusively, and if she would be my girlfriend. She said yes. I reached out and held her hand, and then I sat beside her and wrapped my arms around her shoulders. We held each other for a while, and then we kissed. Fireworks.

We talked, drank coffee, and grew closer as the evening was spent. It was unlike anything I have known to be possible. We connected on deep, essential, fundamental points. Passion and synergy captured us, and soon we were together, as one, looking into each other’s eyes and sharing a moment of unity. It was an explosion of understanding, a raging fire of passion, everything I had imagined and more. She was incredible.

We luxuriated in our underthings and talked about our tomorrow, which was rapidly approaching. I knew I had to get home and take my meds, even though I wanted to stay the night there with her. I made the only choice, and we resolved to reconvene in the morning.

Blog, this was most unexpected, but completely welcome. She’s someone who I have grown very fond of, and want to go on a journey with as I understand her better. There are still many things we have yet to learn; the first chapter of our tale has only just begun. I’m not in love. How could I possibly have such a profound emotion at so early a stage? We are resolved to discover each other over the course of our relationship. We have a physical magnetism that cannot be denied, and we held nothing back tonight. We fit together.

I am on the path to discover someone who shares a remarkable number of commonalities with me, although I have learned much, there are many chapters yet to be written. Next week she will be with her son, and I will be in a holding pattern. I respect the irreplaceable bond between mother and child, and in time, I will come to know him too. I’m not going anywhere, and I don’t want anyone but her.

It has been quite a night, and now it is time for me to rest. Until tomorrow blog, be well travelers.