#880

Score: +3

Average: +2.75

I stand apart from most these days, and not because I have a superiority complex, but because I just don’t understand most people. It’s voluntary alienation, and I rather prefer it that way. I’m not looking to be cool, or compliant, I’d rather pilot my own ship on an atypical course and heading. It presents fewer complications and limits the need to be dependent on others. 

But it was lonely, going it alone. Doable, but isolatory and limiting. I talked to myself a lot, as a result. I didn’t abandon any of my principles when I sought companionship, as this would be the wrong way to approach change. It should be about nourishing and revitalizing life, not compromising its integrity. I needed an answer to the place in my heart that was longing. 

Amanda has been amazing: she is relatable, understanding, compassionate, and honest. She has become a valuable friend to me, above all else, and is someone who’s opinions I can trust and respect. But I also love her, and this intamacy fosters a deeper, more primal bond of loyalty and acceptance. There are many reasons for my distinction from the herd, and I doubt Amanda would have noticed me if I were just running along with them. I stand out, and even though I have made some serious mistakes, it is that common denominator that unites us rather than divide us. She sees me, and I see her, and together we make the endless wastes more bearable. 

Life can be a lot of calamity wrapped up in unpredictability, but it is that curious gambler that keeps coming back to find out what happens next that I embody. No I don’t lean on faith to explain my reality, I rely on my own senses and logical judgements to explain it. A gambit that is far less troublesome if you have a teammate working with you to sort things out. 

Blog, I’m rising to the occasion. I’m doing great and ready for the next twist in the road. Whatever that happens to be. Random though train now off the tracks and on fire, I bid you farewell. 

Scrambled Eventsauce

Saturday Score: +2.5

Sunday Score: +3.5

I know things are changing. New variables have been introduced and the climate of my environment is altering itself rapidly. My only remaining grandparents are dying (well, one of them). Amanda told me that she loves me. As one chapter of this story draws to a close, a new one begins. My sister moved to Washington DC on Saturday while I was at work. My parents were on the brink of leaving for a months long road trip to Florida, when my grandpa hurt his back trying to lift a 30 lb flower pot. They got him to the hospital and found MANY problems with him. He has a growth in his liver, and needs a biopsy. I spent Friday night and Sunday with Amanda and Tristan. We saw the Sponge Bob movie, and spent hours together acting like a single, healthy family unit. I met Amanda’s ex husband Sunday morning and he asked me a few questions pertaining to my integrity. I was anxious leading up to it, and glad it’s over. My grandparents are in their mid-late 80s and my grandma is an alcoholic. My grandpa is holding over 25 lbs of stool in his body because he can’t defecate. Things are coming apart. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m aware that things are changing. I told Amanda I loved her too, because it is true. I’ve been falling for her for some time. I understand that she accepts me for who I am. Baggage and all. We are very connected, and bond is only getting stronger as we dive deeper into each other’s worlds. Tristan cuddled with me today, and I put my arm around him and cuddled him right back. On Saturday night we had a seafood feast at my uncle’s house for my parent’s going away party (they were leaving on the 1st, but plans changed when my grandpa hurt himself). We had yellowfin tuna and Scottish salmon sashimi to start, followed by baked salmon filets on garlic mashed potatoes and a side of asparagus. 

Blog, as I write to you, it is Monday morning. I’m supposed to meet Amanda’s parents tonight after my shift. I think that will go great. Her dad is a real geologist. I’m sure we will have things to discuss. I’m in a good mood today. I started out today very drowsy. I laid around in bed for a good 50 minutes before willing myself to go take a shower. I think this will be another good week. I’ll keep you posted. 

Rock Or Marshmallow?

I’m meeting Amanda’s ex husband on Sunday. Why you ask? Because he doesn’t trust Amanda’s judgement about what a “good guy” is, and wants to vet me before trusting me around his son. I don’t blame him for this concern, because in and of itself, it’s legitimate. But to base this encounter on a lack of trust is not a good motivation to meet someone. This is not about curiosity, it’s a security concern, one that I must both adhere to and comprehend fully. I’m thinking that this may not be a very friendly meeting. I’m also hoping to reveal zero percent of my flamboyant, emotional self, as this would be interpreted as general weakness. Apparently, Jesse is a robot; both callous and cold. I can say that I have been those things at certain times of my life, but never as a trait. So I have raised shields to maximum and armed the photon torpedoes. I’m prepared for whatever he asks, and I don’t intend to mislead or otherwise lie. Not at all. I just only want him to see some of me. Not all. I intend to put his fears to rest. Hopefully. But this whole encounter has me thinking lots of anxious thoughts. Nothing I can’t handle, but I feel the wheels turning about this. So wish me luck.

As Things Get Better…

Score: +2.5

Things in my life are coming together, and I’m really excited about where I am headed. I have been assertively vigilant about my mental health, and that has paid dividends in stability. I have nourished my social self, which has culminated in a rewarding relationship with a wonderful woman. I have excelled at work, getting a bounty of opportunities to strive and succeed. Things are improving as time goes on, and I apply myself fully to my life.

As things get better, I will find less cause to come here and express my inner-dialogue. Why? Because it’s the negativity that I am trying to get out if my head, and when I have very few problematic thoughts, I find fewer reasons to rant. Trust me, I will still be using this place as a tool for reflecting introspectively, but there won’t be a post a day like there had been.

I have been diligently keeping score, even if I am not posting. I have 16 days worth of entries so far, at an average of 2.7. I’m on the low-end of the good range, for sure. I’m only slightly concerned about my energy, as that has been a little low of late. But I’m really, truly, doing wonderfully. Im happy all the way through me. My body, however, may enter full revolt soon. I have been repeatedly exposed to viruses and believe I may have contracted one. I’m not sure though. I was able to chase off a vile headache this morning with 250mg of Naproxen, but I’m waiting for the hammer. I have been pounding the vitamin c, so here’s hoping it works!

Have a great day blog. Things are at a new unprecedented level. I’m so satisfied with my life. I’m falling in love with an amazing person, and I’m healthier than I have been in years. I think this is the path I was meant to walk; I am executing a philosophy of self care, and it is rewarding me greatly. Thank you for being here through all the crazy ups and downs, your feedback is greatly appreciated.

Words

Score: +2

As the week goes on, I find myself in a stasis between functional and exhausted. I have a 6 day work week, culminating in a 6:00 am to 2:30 pm shift on Saturday. Things have slowed down to historic lows at my job, to the point of wondering why there are as many of us as there are on staff. I mean, I understand the caution in always wanting enough people to handle the influx of potential issues, but our staff seems bloated. We could stand to lose 3-4 people and still be in great shape. Plus, if we cut the weakest ones, then the extra work they were making via their mistakes will also go away, leaving more time for the rest of us to do our jobs.

Today Jojo, a seasoned veteran of the DTOC, came to my desk and asked me a question that he could have asked a manager, but he chose me instead. And I didn’t know the answer, but I went and found out what it was and told him. I was shocked. Why should I need to field a question form Jojo? He should know 7 times as many things as I do. But either way, it felt amazing to be needed, and to provide an answer.

Today is night 3 of my consecutive trips to my parent’s RV. My sister is coming over for dinner too. It’s one of the last few nights we will all have together before they hit the road for Florida and the keys. They will have quite an adventure and I am glad for them. But they will be out of the equation for a long time, and I will have to do without them for months. This makes me a tiny bit sad, but more happy for what fun they will have.

Well shit. It’s time I got back to work. See you later.

One Day

Score: +1

I was in a rut right from the start. I felt down, like the wind had been taken out of my sails. I went to work and did my job admirably, but it was much harder than normal to maintain my composure. Songs would play on the overhead speakers and I would nearly lose my shit. I wanted to cry when “I Will Wait” by Mumford & Sons came on.

This is the result of an imbalance in my brain, which sometimes, cannot be avoided. Occasionally symptoms just happen, given no rhyme or reason. I had a fantastic weekend, and a productive day at work, and I was blue all the while. These things last for a day, but only rarely do they repeat themselves or merit extra attention. A blip on the radar of time, nothing more.

Despite the score, I am at a good, healthy average of 2.79 on the scale which is in the “Goldilocks zone” between 2 and 5 (an area I most desire to stay in because it represents unprecedented stability and also happiness).

Between 1 and -1 there is a significant loss of abundant energy. Things have recoiled to a minimal level, and are operating on low power standby. If that makes any sense.

Between -2 and -5 any number of bad events can cause a decline to this point. It is only problematic if it represents an ongoing trend.

And the polar ends of the scale account for accentuated episodes of extreme emotions, often culminating moments (between +/- 6 and +/- 10). So we need not overly worry ourselves over one shitty day. Bad times are usually prolonged, so as long as we can avoid that, I think things are going to be just fine.