Getting Hammered

I’m taking billing calls now at work, and boy is that frustrating. It’s not like I have much in the way of preparedness for this stuff. I’ve been working on studying a vast new area, only to forgo using it. Instead, I was handed 4 hours of training in which I needed to have completely learned an entirely new skill, to be implemented immediately. It’s rough going, but I’m really trying to ask important questions and not assume I know how to do anything. I don’t pretend to have it all figured out. I’m gonna need some time before I get the hang of it.

But I will still keep trying hard, every day, regardless of the obstacles set against. I will surely get to resolving SOME of these billing issues, or get the ball rolling in the right direction. With hope. I think I am being appreciated for just being willing to try. I’m making the deep silence these people get come to life. I’m the only response from guided telephone menu hell. It’s sad. They just really NEED us answering their billing calls. Wait times over 2 hours is just no good.

So I had a lot to talk about when I got home. I have so little chance to share at work, I often neglect saying much of anything. I have found my desk to be the latest greatest hangout spot for any and everyone who wanders by. My little cubicle, with its chest-high partitions… it’s so very tempting to just lean in and start gabbing. I find myself entertaining at least one spectator every few minutes… and if one is there, two will surely form as others are ensnared by the clog. I don’t often have much to say, and I’m often times very busy with other tasks which need to be completed. I tried to keep myself either on the phone or doing Oracle data entry and task creation. I never really had downtime, save right at the end of the day. I was down to the last 20 minutes and that seemed to account for a day’s worth of boredom. So I have little doubt I’ll be busy again tomorrow. All day.

It’s getting to be stagnant and hot at night, not cool or refreshing like you might think. It’s balmy, and my single cover is nearly too much. I run the risk of dramatic overheating as the coolness creeps in perilously slow.

Prayer Of The Unwise

I’m stuck in a land of quiet disbelief. My hand is shaking from the terror of your reckoning. You brought down the big hammer and won the day. I was left no bones to your contentious judgement. Precarious want is the only desire remaining. And for a better run do the others wait. I’m not so easily lured for a second try, but the advancement if the blame remains.

I long for a better release. But my short term preoccupations make not for a full blown mandate. I’m knowingly unready for the precarious fate that would surely await me. A roller-coaster I’d rather not ride. The nature of the thing has been flawed each time I’ve ridden it. And while not squarely in my doing, I have had my share of blame. Times spent making sad excuses for the behavior of another. How much life did I spend pursuing a malignant variety of love? I do believe I’ve lost count of the travesty and done away with the debacle. It’s now on some other circumstance to make it right.

I’m lost in a sea of mismatching puzzle pieces. I’m not looking to have the answer sorted out just yet. But I know soon I’ll be there.

I have to forget my heartache and soldier on much as I have for these new days. I don’t particularly have a choice. Do I?

Drunken Murmurings

I’m way too drunk on alcohol right now. And you’d be surprised at my spell-check for this short portion that I have written. It’s alarming. Needless to say, I’m glad my ex has found love again. Or some semblance of the security she seeks. Whatever it may be, I hope it brings her the joy she’s so eagerly craved and deserved. I feel like she’s had a pretty tortured life and needs something she can just lean on to get her through the years. Or some such alternative. Well, however the scenario is posed, I’m still abiding my sadness alone. I’m still unfulfilled and yearning. I’m still keenly aware of how unready I actually am, and not just snapping up love from the first real opportunity presented.

I can’t blame her though, she has all the attractiveness of a shiny new plaything. It’s the question of longevity that pervades, and can only be truly answered by the test of time. This is the test I put my conceptualization of love up against. And it was felled by time. And patterns that refused to change. I wonder if she will do this all over again with this new guy, or some permutation of disaster yet unknown. I tend to think my cautious approach the wiser one, not leading me back into love before my divorce had gone final. But I leave everyone to their own devices, as I have no control over this. I wish she would take the time to change within herself the things that would need to be different if new love was to arise in her life. I’ve had and have chances to advance the cause of love in my life, but frankly, I don’t really want love right now. I’m not ready for it and my body is tired from having to do what I do already. If she’s so “on top of it” and “together” that she can handle a new healthy relationship right now than so be it. I have my disabilities, my disadvantages. I work up from the bottom of understanding.

The pleasant news is I’m doing well, and striving to be more than I am, and hoping sincerely to expand my potential. I’m not ready to be your partner, I’m still comprehending my role in the most recent disaster to affect my life. I’m not so rapidly forgetting my responsibility in this thing that I’m willing to make a whole new relationship. I’m not “getting back at you” by doing that. I’m not proving anything to anyone. I’m just doing what’s right by me, for the time being. And it’s hard to do the right thing, and obey the laws of moderation and respect my mental illness. I have no desire to repeat the same mistakes I have made. If I truly felt that I had learned everything I needed to learn from my divorce with Jax, then I would be the first guy to leap at new opportunity. But honestly, I’m a work in progress, and I know what my limits are, and what I can handle, and I’m not pretending to be ok with myself, I ACTUALLY AM OK WITH MYSELF,  which is a big improvement. I’m not abusing my body and eating crap. I’m working hard and applying myself fully. I’m trying to learn new things, while keeping myself in the priority seat of my life. These are benchmarks on the way to self improvement. Something my ex has little need of, apparently. Her admissions have been limited and her comprehension of the tragedy seem stunted. I’m not sure if she’s just going to do the same thing over again, or if my life has had any change over hers whatsoever.  I sense that not much has changed.

I feel more alienated from my peers, yet I revel in my pride over my accomplishments. Without distinguishing myself, I would have very little to praise. It’s my unique nature that makes me do the good job that I do. And I’m all the more excited to get started tomorrow and really hammer out the nature of people’s issues. I find I’m at my best when I can apply myself fully. I don’t know where we are in comparison to each other. How have we both changed? Fucked if I know. I can tell you how I’ve grown, not about how I was the victim. I’m not going to flower it up and make it seem like it all was their fault and I was just doing what I had to do. I’m a realist; if it’s anything I’ve learned from reality, it’s that nothing moves without growth, and growth comes from learning the full scope of things that took place, not just the parts we pretend we only see. Reality is brutal, and unforgiving, and not judgmental. It’s WE who apply the judgement, based on how it affects us. In all honest truth, the facts remain the same. Inarguable. Indistinguishable from the ultimate truth of their being.

I’m a person who accepts his flaws, and proceeds forward. The easy thing do do would be to cover up my flaws and re-engage love under the auspice that everything was going to be just fine and that there was no problem in the first place. I think this would just lead to disaster again for me. Honestly and truly, I’d fail trying to cover up my flaws and dysfunction gone untreated or without remedy. I would be prone to the same catastrophes that had befallen me earlier, only repeated and twice as painful.

I’m never going to suffer the way I did. I promise myself not to fall into the same pit of sadness and despair. I promise.

 

Jax, I hope you are all done learning, and can have a full and wonderful relationship with that guy. But I’m not so quickly healed from such a devastating blow. I have a deeper well of being that reaches it’s depths deep into suffering, a place you’re decision to vacate our life has left me. In times of anguish, I remember myself and hold firm to a belief that all things are dealt to us so that we may learn. And learn I have. I wonder if that feeling is mutual.

Goodnight Check-In

I’m rested well this weekend and I’m sure to have fun on Sunday with the Bailey tribe. Then I’m on those phones full time. You know? I’m a little daunted by the billing stuff because I don’t know that area of Oracle well enough yet. I have my own phone and extension. Am excited to get started. Really. I’m gong to have fun trying to figure out people’s various issues.

In other news: my emotions have been a little wacky of late and I’m regretful that my sister got to thinking I was being mean. Which maybe I was gruff and sweaty and exhausted. That’s my thought. I should tell her that I’m sorry I gave her the wrong impression.

My thoughts venture back to my collapse a mere 5 months ago. I still keenly remember being hauled off in a cop car. Being admitted to the ward. The first night alone, and how sleep came somewhere through the tears. I imagine it was at that time that Jax must have figured on getting out. It was a perfect time to bail. But now that I finally feel back on top of things again is when I miss her the most. I’m lost in reflections and fond memories. We had a lot of fun together. But she’s long since moved on and is finding new love. Not surprising. She’s pretty cute.

My domain has been myself, and I’ve come to restrict actions down to the utmost essential functions. I’m surviving as I should be, and going beyond the original ideas of containment. I wish there was a way that I wouldn’t have to face the impossible future alone. It’s a whimsical thought, because I probably have more to learn about myself still. My introductory period to ME has not quite ended. I’m excited to keep going the way I am. I have another lead on a place to live. Hopefully I hear back again about coming by to see it.

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 = serious problem, 10 = not a problem), rate the following:

Emotional Health:                             7

Physical Depression Symptoms:     7

Physical Anxiety Symptoms:           9

Racing Thoughts:                              10

Depressed Thoughts:                        7

Self-Esteem:                                       10

Concentration:                                   9

Enthusiasm:                                       8

Charisma:                                           10

Motivation:                                        10

Paranoia / Fear / Anxiety:             9

Outlook / Hope:                              7

OVERALL:                                   8/10

Interview #7: Unidentified Male

ssnri:

These are my responses to some fantastic interview questions. I was only to happy to render some unique perspectives on these issues.

Originally posted on My Bipolar Roller Coaser:

 People don’t think the brain can fail you just like any other organ can. We don’t despise people who have liver failures, or die of cancer, or some widely accepted norm. Mental illness is hard to identify, and hard to treat, as it’s entirely case-by-case.

  1. Were there signs of your illness prior to the period of time that led to your diagnosis?

Yes, though at the time, I had no idea I was. I had a lot of anger as a teenager, and often times it would come pouring out of me for no good reason. I’d react before thinking, and spiral into deep places of despondency and lamentation without appropriate cause. I had no idea these were just precursors to the inevitable brain disorder that I would grow to experience as my personal mental illness. I’d say the signs started as early as 13, and matured by the time…

View original 640 more words

It’s Been…

Perhaps my standards are too high, because I’ve experienced that if I lower mine, I lose everything in the end. It’s because I’m feeling trapped and contained, because we only have a set few things we can talk about and share, and we are unwilling to change. It seems estrangement is the inevitable consequence of discovery, because once I have learned how vastly different we are, the more I see how I’ll never be close to you. The more separate our islands will become. I seem to think that I’ll do just fine relocating you to my island, but you’d never have that. You want to be your own island.

I get why I compromise, thinking that the short term happiness it all brings will pervade. It never does, because I’m a lot more than anyone wants to abide. I have become a relationship pariah. This is not very accurate. Though I have repeatedly set myself up for disaster, like with Jax. I don’t know what to think about myself, only that now I’m so cautions about making the same mistake that I’ve cut myself off from the prospect entirely. I feel sad that I’m going to make myself really lonely, but I guess with the way I’ve been succeeding, I’ll take the trade.

It pains me some to do this, because I have a lot of affection to pour over you. I had given a different kind of effort each time, making my definition of love a diverse thing. Because I have loved for lust, and loved for settling down, and loved for partnership against mental illness, and I’ve failed in all my times at making this last. I have some idea that I’m a part of why these things fail, but really, It was always more than they signed on for, and it became apparent that I was deep with darkness. I’m sad because this is the mind and body I’m stuck with, and I’m doing the best I can with it. At the risk of shattering more lives, or propelling them in to new directions, I’ll abstain from the game for a while. I won’t do all this in a big fat rush to fill in the gaping hole in myself that COULD be temporarily filled with love. I could rush into things, and end up repeating the same mistakes I’d made in the past. I’d hurt, all over again, and feel love die inside me again, slowly over months and weeks and days. I can’t do that again. It hurts now, still, so badly to go through what I have been through. I am utterly alone in my understanding of that.

I wish only to reestablish myself in the tree of life, to restore a semblance of social presence. I have a long way to go, but I’m impressing the people around me as I go, which I suppose is reinforcement in my positive demeanor.

The world can be a deadly cruel place, and I’m sad that it is that way. But life is not fair, and bad things do happen all the time. I’ve swallowed my regret and I’m proceeding onward. I need to learn some valuable lessons about how and why I fall in love, and when it is a good time to do that. I may face this journey alone for a long time. I guess I’m ready to do that. I’m both proud of myself, and sad too.

A Night For Forgetting

I’m looking to turn in to a vegetable but instead I’m at my Grammies house waffling with the pokes and having no fun. Last night I was up WAY TOO LATE and could not get to sleep until after 3 am. I was so terribly frustrated trying to fall to sleep all night and not succeeding. I was thoroughly bummed that I would have to face my day on 3 hours of sleep. Bummed.

So I’m trying my best after a FULL day of training and implementation. I learned the basics of zeacom VoIP software. I crammed my head with new knowledge and the day slumped over on me. I’m losing the fight to fatigue. I already drank a beer and I feel like sleep is right behind my eyes. It is gnawing on the edge of my brain. Monday I’m in the queue full time and zapping calls all day long. I imagine that I’m going to not lose a second to boredom. It sucks that I had to barf through Friday. It was an agonizingly slow day. They tried to cram my head with knowledge in 4 hours then feed me to the billing queue. I was not prepared. Tried to study. Poured my attention into the tutorials I had been given. I tried.

So it’s a busy weekend turbo. I’ve got engagements every day. I will not have time to vegetate. This displeases me greatly. I’m trying my best to stay with it but this is hard as hell.

I’m going to bed for 14 hours I fucking swear.