Permanently attached to the menu of my blog is a very neat little document. It’s about as old as any sequence of words I have come to create. It began 16 years ago when I was much, much different. It was originally a WordPerfect document, was then converted to a .doc file, and has been preserved ever since. It’s survived dozens of computer transfers, dead hard drives, and has prevailed in the test of time. I took the contents of that file and posted it in the blog. Since this file began, I have promised to follow the rule: whenever you find it for the first time in a long time, add an entry, and see how many times You can do that. And so it has endured to this day. Ultimately, It is a testament to the kind of person I am. I have had so many changes in my life, and all those names are a kaleidoscope of my transitioning identity. I am a person in flux. A mentally ill male who has this record keeper to put my disorder into perspective: a lifelong story detailing more than half of my reality as a fractured, changing, evolving individual. I know to you this document doesn’t have any of the memory of having kept it for so long that I possess. I KNOW I didn’t just create those words in 2012 (when the blog was started) like it would seem to you. I remember a time when it was down to being on 2 flash drives. It came so close to being totally erased on several occasions. There’s no way I can convince you of the truth. I have no way to prove it. Other than to hope that after making THIS FAR down the post you would probably think I was being straight with you. I stand to gain nothing by deceiving. And besides, you can tell by my enthusiasm that I’m proud I’ve had it for so long. It’s really quite amazing. It’s not much, but it has been with me through it all, and there are very few things in my world that can say that.
Not that I’m “in the market” for one of these, but for my own reasons, I’ve decided to articulate my lofty expectations if there were ever to be one. Why? And not certainly because I deserve anyone like this (nor would this fantastic person EVER want to be in a relationship with me). It’s not about articulating a reality, it’s about expressing the things I have learned I will need in order to ever do it again. This slim chance is still a chance, and anything is totally possible… but it would take a set of extreme circumstances to unfold and become realized. I have a list. And believe me, I practice what I preach:
1. Be mindful. The greatest gift you have is being aware, and being able to reflect on yourself. Your mindfulness keeps you from rushing to judgement, and keeps us from escalating our disconnects into fights. You are observant and respectful of your feelings, and you articulate them precisely, and without context, so that I too can see what you’re feeling, and respond appropriately.
2. You’re realistic, with your head firmly in this reality. You don’t expect lofty dreams to come true without a great sum of labor. You are a practical thinker, with your mind defaulting to a more thought-out less rambunctious mentality. Your actions are accordingly predictable, and you find joy in stability and consistency.
3. You are aware of the value of trust, and respect. These two things typify your interactions with others, and you seek to build these two elements in all relationships that have value in your life. You don’t condescend, you corroborate. Working with you is being on a team with an equal, and you both deserve and dispense these two virtues.
4. You are intelligent, and more importantly, curious. Your ambition is only rivaled by your love of knowledge; the pursuit of understanding. You are not satisfied with common beliefs, and seek a personal truth to your existence. Your qualities are emphasized by your observational, rational mentality. As a result, your keen understanding of your world reflects in the thought-out actions you take. Your mind is never sated, you pursue answers regardless of the difficulty in understanding them.
5. You are trustworthy, not a cheat, or a liar, and you detest these things as they have no place in or near your moral compass. You have a good heart, and it is not in your nature to deceive, as this brings you guilt, not satisfaction. You are, rightfully, appalled by most people and consider yourself apart from them in most all aspects of how you conduct yourself through the world.
6. You understand the value and commitment of love. To you, love is a sacred bond between two people that is not at stake in every fight, and not a bargaining chip. You respect love as the core expression of both appreciation and desire, and you are aware that without maintenance, love will grow cold and become dormant. Love is not passion and it is certainly not driven by lust or attraction. Love is a compromise of the soul, a merging of essences, a mutual prerogative. Love is not to be created in haste, and takes an act of deliberate treason to abolish. Love is made stronger by openness, trust and grows with respect and patience.
7. You know who you are, and you are proud of that person. Your opinions may not matter to anyone else, but because they are yours, they are the most precious of all. You respect your mind and your body. You do not wish ill upon yourself, even though you sometimes doubt, the core of who you are is never in jeopardy of being forgotten. You know yourself, and you aspire to be the best “you” you can be.
If you’re out there, I’d sure like to hear from you. It’s only 7 virtues long, but you would be the only person I’m still looking for in this world. I don’t expect to find you, mostly because it’s hopeless to look, and I have nothing to offer you in return that would compare to the sort of person you would have to be. But a boy can dream.
I had a constructive session with Margaret today. She called me “one of my shining star clients,” which I was flattered by. We talked a lot about my other therapist Robert, who I liked but was not very honest with about my marriage. I had started seeing him before I even got together with Jax and I slowly deteriorated on his watch. Now, we must remember that I was misconstruing the truth that things were in a bad way. I was hurting myself and spiraling down. Not good. But he never knew because I never told him the truth. A truth I would have been unable to see anyway, as I was right in it, and had no perspective. I can’t address the problem if I won’t even acknowledge that there is one. Right?
So we went over my downfall, hospitalization, and slow recovery from that point. I started working with Margaret shortly thereafter, and things have been slowly climbing back up the slope. I just had SO FAR to go from that starting point. I was determined though, and clearly that has paid off. I’m in a better way than I have been in years.
So the client plan is done, but I have to go back tomorrow because I forgot to sign it. No big deal. Extra 15 minute car ride. Today has felt fast, but I know it’s actually slow. I’m so glad I’m not in a relationship with Jax anymore. I had a chance today to remember all the bullshit she used to pull. Like ignoring my opinions when it ran up against something she wanted. Or the constant delinquency of attention and the complacency with things like her health and mental illness. I have since realized that I was more like a parent than a partner, always trying to bring her ridiculous fantasies about stupid shit back down to earth. The girl just had no idea about what was really important. Things like motorcycles, piercings and more tattoos were a priority. Sigh. Well, at least I know now that I’m far more practical and less outrageous than most people. I’m concerned with really fundamental issues, not insane random dreams or inclinations.
I’m genuinely happy to be on my own. I make the rules, and I have only myself to blame if things were to go poorly. I vastly prefer it that way. She was never really onboard with what it meant to be married. And grown up. I still think she probably wants to be someone’s boss, like I was in our relationship. Like I tried to be until she would rebel and disagree with me. Ah yes, good times when I was utterly ignored or not taken seriously.
So a lot of stuff came up with Margaret. But all in all, it only reassured me that what I was doing was right for me. And that was a good affirmation of my actions thus far. I hope your day is as thought-provoking as mine has been. Take care.
**UPDATE 3:50 pm**
Dinner is cancelled due to Angi’s popularity. Just too busy today. So I’m going to have yet another quiet night. I appreciate this blog being a receptacle for my conflicted feelings. More often than before, I try to express them and give them life beyond being just a thought in my head. This takes them from irrelevancy to permanence, and after, they don’t hang on me as much. But I still have upwellings. I’m just learning that expression is a fantastic way to cope.
I’m about to head in for therapy. Though it’s not likely to be an exfoliating session, but rather, my annual review with an intern present for training. Not that I mind any of that. It’s just going to be a “business” rather than “personal” session. But weeks overdue, so it’s about time we got to it.
Other than that, I’m not on any coffee, and I’m also conducting an experiment to see if my drowsiness because of the Geodon is linked to eating food with it. So far, I seem to be ok. But we won’t know anything until about 9:45 once I’m at my desk and trying to concentrate. Lately, focus has been a huge problem because of the fatigue. I was even fearful I had been so out of it that I may have messed up an order because I couldn’t keep track of what step I was on. Hopefully it’s the food that’s causing the drowsiness to take hold, and if I stay away from it first thing in the morning, I’ll be fine. Test in progress.
Other than that, I’m doing fine. No crazy feelings that I can’t control, no moments of collapse to speak of. My dinner with Angi might be postponed until Friday as she has plans already for Wednesday. But that’s probably for the best, as I don’t want to be strung out all day from having to get up and go around 6 this morning.
Have a good day out there. I know I will, regardless of what happens.
**UPDATE 10:15 am**
Not drowsy at all. This is great news. I have to stay away from food in the morning. Done deal. I’m back.
**UPDATE 12:00 pm**
Still going strong, but I did break my no coffee rule for today. But I do vow to stay strong there. I’m not buying any for my house, and since the coffee at work is just so foul, I have little motivation to deviate. I’ve been getting some just some silly slash stupid calls today. Moving on.
I’m having a bit of a mental debate: what constitutes a good decision, if we can truly see no farther than what is directly ahead? I think back on mistakes I have made, and I wonder about why I made them. So many critical, time-sensitive factors come into play at these junction points. But I clearly didn’t comprehend more than the immediate, and later perished under the strain of badness come to light at delayed intervals. Is this a common problem? Because now I think I’ve gone radically conservative to prevent such decisions from even being on the table. Why burden myself when this whole line of thinking can be avoided?
I’m not saying apprehension has become my way of life, but I am trying to think about my decisions a lot more. Albeit, I haven’t made any risky ventures which would put any portion of my reality up for grabs. This presents me with an unwavering routine (a concept I have failed to follow at every turn up to this point), that I must adhere to or perish. My life depends on my consistency. So preserving life should be my ultimate goal.
Either way I look at the prospect, I don’t see how I can avoid making terrible mistakes if I don’t have the hindsight of knowing what compendium of variables exist attached to the event. Why am I even frustrating myself trying to? I’m resigned to caution. But how will I ever “spice up” my meager existence without risk?
Poor Marco looks like he let his emotions take control or something, because now he’s not at work anymore. I knew he was pissed about the whole thing, but I didn’t know he would get kicked out of the office for it. Though this is only speculation based on his absence from the queues today. He was here briefly, then he was gone.
I’m struggling through my morning drowsiness. But moving past it now. I was hurting earlier and ate my lunch to get my energy back up. Seems to have worked.
I’ll be checking in periodically as this day has slowed to a crawl already. With loads more time to go.
**UPDATE 3:00 pm**
The queues are sorta slowing down. But not staggeringly slow. I haven’t heard back about my I-9, which I assume is a good thing. Today has 3 hours left to it, and my day will be slow. I usually see a pickup in billing calls because the people in Austin go home and the late night billing calls go straight to us.
It’s going to be a good day. I’m having no trouble with my feelings and generally keeping my head down. feel positive about the steps I’ve been taking in my independent life. Ever do I realize the hard work I put in to get here. And let’s not forget all the fantastic people who helped me. Never forget. But things are slowing down. Conversation getting a bit too off topic for my liking. Up to a pitiful 19 calls handled on the day. I’ll be lucky if I get above 25 today. Slow day. But I’m doing my job at a high level, and boy it has certainly been a while since I had an order kicked back at me. Not even a so-called “coaching” email that I actually deserved. I’ve been on a roll.
I’m packed this week. And I actually invited Joseph over for football this weekend, but I have a feeling he’ll turn me down. I’m just not cool enough for them guys would be my guess. I’m going to have fun regardless. Goodbye for now friends.
**UPDATE 5:30 pm**
Almost to the end. Just me and Gabriel the whole rest of the way. Jason being out today. But we’ve got this. It’s been a day blog, both good and somehow not busy enough. People like to just fuck around and are even sometimes informal when they answer the phone mid-laugh. Don’t like that.
But I don’t get it my way most of the time. Just too many “cool kids” out there. Hangin’. So I’ll see you probably tonight.
Hey. I’m moving right along this morning. I feel like I have more time than I want to have before work, and not enough after it’s over. But this is my schedule, and it also affords me a less-stressful working environment, which I am glad for. I wonder if the guys who sit around me try as hard as I do. I somehow think that with time and familiarity comes complacency. Like they’re so good at the job they hardly even have to try. It’s speculation, albeit. I don’t really have much to go on, as I don’t ask questions that would cause me to dig at the truth.
I was pleased that someone other than me threw one of the delinquent employees under the bus where he belongs. Dominique is a fucking idiot, and on top of that character quality, he just plain doesn’t do his job. Poor Marco had an overnight shipment land on his plate and had to do it all by himself because Dom had only just started the order, then just left for the day. The order would never have shipped, and the customer would have been irate if what Dom promised him he’d do never actually got done. If I had an order that I didn’t finish, it would bother me every second of the day until I got it finished, booked and shipped. I wouldn’t be able to just get up and leave. I have a conscience. I would know that I was failing at my duty. Dom is a fucking moron, and he doesn’t have that problem.
Today I intend to kick a lot of ass, and take names as I go. Or I could go Duke Nukem and say that I’m here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I’m all out of gum.
Tomorrow I go in for therapy. And that night Angi is coming over for dinner. Then the next night, my parents are having a party at my uncle’s house as my parental convoy will be headed north on Friday morning. They’re going up the coast to Sacramento to see my sister. So I really will be totally alone.
But I always have you. And I can get all my frustration out, while also sharing the finer points of existence with you. Seems like a good deal.
**UPDATE 9:00 am**
I’m going to eat some Skittles. Haven’t done that at work since I was a VAO at the San Diego Zoo (at that time, I essentially lived off them). Not exactly what I am planning, but I did just turn in my completed I-9 to HR so I can be an official employee and whatnot. I knew I needed some time to make all the copies and send the completed form as an email attachment. So that’s done. Now all I’m waiting on is for the management staff to fix the confidentiality statement so I can fill out the e-form online. It’s currently broken, as discovered by me.
So I’m going to punch my time card in a little under 30 minutes. I hope Marco has a better day today. Dom is up to his usual loud-mouthery and laughing in that stupid way hacks. Sigh. At least Kevin is out of there. Good riddance. I couldn’t understand half of what that guy said. Truly failed at language.
Goodbye until later, when boredom will bring me back here.