Lucky

I guess I owe a lot of my recent success to being pretty lucky. Like how I got my current apartment: I was the last one they interviewed and they didn’t even know I was coming (they thought I was going to show up a day earlier). I got in, and no more than 40 minutes after that interview with Ken and Jan, they called me to offer the place. I was lucky before that to get a call from Paula, a recruiter for Eastridge (the staffing company that put me on assignment at Mood Media). And I was lucky well before then that my parents happened to be in town when my life fell apart, lending me at least some temporary shelter at their RV. I was lucky to have family in town who could lend a hand when I needed to move. I can see a pattern here. Maybe I really did bust my ass and make the most of those opportunities, but I was still lucky to get them.

Isn’t a lot of what happens to us luck? Sometimes we get a break, and a random good thing happens instead of a random bad thing. I’m a big fan of putting life-events into perspective, and I owe a portion of my success to the whims of chance. I can both know that, but not let it downsize the effort it took to capitalize on those situations.

Like a wide receiver catching a short pass in the flat. He has to make a guy miss in order to gain any yardage, and he is presented the chance to make the most of that opportunity. He has to turn upfield, break a tackle, and get a first down in order for that short throw to have been worth it. The catch he makes is the luck component. His move after that moment is what he will do, given the opportunity to take that luck and make the most of it.

But come on. We have to give credit where it’s due. The hard part is making something of the opportunity. There are just so many ways to blow a chance and squander a lucky break. It’s all too easy. Realizing it for what it is, and then doing something about it is on you.

Today, I’d like to appreciate the favorable breaks I have been given. I just had to put it into perspective. It’s not like I walked out into the nothing by myself and made a whole new reality. I had luck on my side, and I put in the work to expand my potential. Makes sense?

So that’s some food for thought. I hope that this post rings true for you in your life, and maybe you haven’t taken advantage of luck, or maybe you have. Point being, we aren’t 100% in control. We live, at times, on chance. We need those breaks in order to advance our lives by greater than normal steps. Life can be ground away at. It can be shaved down over time, and worked (slowly) in to a more desirable shape. But it’s luck that cracks the whip of progress. And on this evening, I’m quite thankful for it.

Down To It

So I’m kinda bored. I get 2 billing calls an hour, and that’s no fun. This has been a silly day. Kids came by asking for candy, the music on the overhead speakers has been nothing but Halloween music today. 100%. I’ve heard the Ghostbusters theme and Thriller at least 4 times each. This has been a very odd day, with a low volume of calls and most everyone has left for the day. It’s me and Gabriel and Jason the whole rest of the way. And believe me, I’m counting down the seconds until I can blow this joint.

I look forward to going home and making another round of coffee and having an actual night of fun. I intend to try out the newest release of Ultimate Apocalypse 1.73.7 which was released a couple days ago. Not sure what kinds of changes they’ve implemented in this third pre-patch before the big 2 race expansion. They are not going to call it 1.74 either. They’ve got some Daemon type name that they plan to use to designate it as the big one. But they’re whetting our appetites with these little gameplay tweak type mods releases. I’m not complaining at all. Just curious about what they’ve done so far. But I think I will be giving some of my attention to Act 4 of Diablo II as well. I managed to utterly pummel Mephisto in my last run, along with the High Council, who stood no chance against my mighty assassin. I’ve dumped most of my skill points into her Burst Of Speed ability, which has a huge payout in insane attack rate, and being able to zoom through stages at 150% base movement speed or whatever it is. It’s nuts though, and I have it skilled beyond 20 with charms and a Stone Of Jordan ring which I made by harvesting fragments until I had a full moonstone. Nice. I’m wishing I was there now, instead of trapped in work purgatory. Sad but very true. Still 45 minutes to go.

8 Days A Week

Well blog, it doesn’t take much to make me happy. Clearly. I find joy in the passive reassurance that my life is stable and set-up for a long run. If you had been on the roller coaster ride I have been on for the last few years, you just might see my enthusiasm differently. Personally, I find my fulfillment comes from consecutive acts of normalcy; to be free of a world bound to unpredictable change. Like so many of my past relationships, which tied me to the crucible of someone else’s prerogative (or mood), I have finally taken the liberating step towards establishing safety for the first time in a good long while.

So my heart is saying: hey, aren’t you lonely? Don’t you want somebody to love? Don’t you NEED somebody to love?

But to be honest, I’m not really interested in it. I’ve had so many consecutive bad experiences with others (and with myself going through the changes that love brings on), that I’m inclined to stay away from it altogether. I mean, I don’t hold it against my ex for going out and finding love again. I’m just not even on that page in the story. My needs have surpassed what love can offer, and my desires are not inclined towards needing love back in my life to feel complete. Love has made me feel fractured and out of place, not reassured and whole. With a mountain of evidence suggesting I steer clear of relationships, I’ve only done what is logical in this regard. It is not my mission to replace Jax in my life with someone else. It is not even necessary to replace anything in the first place. We’re two people in vastly different chapters of the life-story. There is no way or reason to compare the two.

So today is another silly day. It’s Halloween, a truly pointless and unrewarding holiday, and I’m just glad for the ongoing distraction from the regular grind of work. I go back in for training tomorrow at 8 am, and we’re learning three new drive-thru systems that Mood now supports. It should be no big thing. I’m good with the learning. So have a great candy day, or indulgence day or whatever we’re calling it. Be well.

**UPDATE 12:15 pm**

It’s a mad house in there today. Between people running back and forth with food, laughing and little kids walking around asking for candy, it’s a wonder I’ve even done work today. And it’s just silly. I already had some tasty food, and have this little break to relax from the insanity of my workplace. Pretty funny though. How often can one say that their work comes to a grinding productivity halt on Halloween of all days. I can’t even imagine what Christmas is like at Mood. Just bonkers. So I hope your day is going well. Mine sure is, and with a flair for the bizarre.

**UPDATE 3:15 pm**

Deserted. Most people have gone home, or are barely involved in work. I’m starting to go a little bananas over not having much to do. I handle like 2 billing calls every 45 minutes. And they typically only last for a few minutes. So this will be a long afternoon. A long, numbing, boring afternoon. Le sigh.

Familiarity

Hello and good evening to you. I made a rather remarkable observation just now as I was doing the last several things I do before I get into bed: I turn my computer off, use my left hand to turn my desk lamp off, and plunge my domicile into complete darkness. But it only lasts 1 second, because when my monitor shuts off after the computer has, the screen’s backlight comes on, and the glow of it makes my room visible in a very faint way. In this brief illuminated moment, I reach out with my left hand and click the fan at by my footboard on, which has a blue LED on it which sends new light in all directions. With eyesight restored, I click the fan into high mode, which sets off two more LED lights. I take one last look at where I am about to walk in total darkness, and try to remember it when I click the fan’s LEDs off. I walk three steps, reach out with my left hand and touch the top of the metal knob at the end of my footboard, pull my shirt off directly over my head, take one more short step, and remove my pants. Then I sit, facing right, and while still in total darkness, I lay down on my bed. I pull the covers over me with my right hand, and then reach out into the empty space directly across from my pillow, and grab this iPhone to make a blog post. I’ve done this series of things enough times to have created some kind of permanent mark on my brain, which has become accustomed to these nightly actions. I feel almost overjoyed by this revelation. Frankly, being severely bipolar, it’s nothing but a relief to find myself arrived in a routine. Stability is my most precious commodity, and to have it makes me feel like a new person all over again. There have been many times where my emotions or some mental unrest has caused me vacillate between extremes. I have hoped something like this would transpire, and leave an indelibly positive mark on me. I can’t tell you how happy this little pattern makes me feel about all the work I have done up to this point. I just had to come out here and share that feeling. It’s the greatest thing a mercurial fellow such as myself can ever hope for. Goodnight.

Eventful

So hello again from yet another workday morning. I’ve found it increasingly hard to get rolling first thing in the morning. For whatever reason, I’m hopelessly groggy and have a difficult time getting going. I get more than enough sleep. It seems I’m just not able to pop right up and rock it like I used to. No matter.

I’m going over to my Uncle’s house tonight to watch some Thursday Night Football, as my plans to go help trick-or-treat with the kids got called off due to their early bedtimes and my late shift at work. So scrub that plan, go with this new one.

As for the self check in, I’m doing fine. I have a couple of days left at the office, but will be free for Sunday. Emotionally, I can’t complain. The meds are doing what they’re supposed to, which is to keep my neurochemestry in order. The mental part is up to me. And this new policy of not looking back has helped me cope. There’s a lot of temptation to go back and relive the trauma of my past, or beat myself down over my mistakes. I know in my heart I could have been better to Jax. However, I don’t think I really liked her after I got to know her. I should have just told her that but I’m kind of an idiot when it comes to being introspective about love. I just lose my head in new relationships. Like, detached from my body and rolling some distance away. So a lot of this mess is on me. And there’s nothing left to do with it but learn a hard lesson and go onward.

Part of The Lone Bull Project was to be deeply introspective, and gain a better understanding of the practice of mindfulness. My therapist Margaret is especially proud of how I’ve handled this difficult concept. I find it most useful (oddly enough) when I’m driving. People get so apeshit over being in their little cars, that they endanger themselves and others with reckless behavior. I slow everything down, have a good look at all that’s going on around me, and exercise patience when possible. I let cheaters cut in the offramp line, because they stop in the right lane trying to get in and cars not trying to leave the freeway could easily smash into them. I give people a wide berth, never following close at speed. I am constantly checking my blind spot for tiny cars or motorcycles. It’s dangerous out there, but mindfulness helps me slow everything down. It’s truly awesome.

So have a great day blog. Things are going to be wild and crazy at work for the rest of the way, for sure.

**UPDATE 12:15 pm**

Still a ways to go, and I’ve got actual meetings to attend today. For us new hires. And the band is still yet to come by blasting their tunes. Not sure how they’re even going to fit a whole band in the “so called” large conference room. Exciting. But I’m doing swell and things have been pretty busy. So time goes by. See you later.

**UPDATE 2:00 pm**

So “Wild Party” came and played at our office, and it was rockin’. They even brought a drum set. Right? It’s all pretty insane, and they only played 3 songs, but a welcome distraction. For sure. And now, a new hire meeting for the next two hours. Yarf.

**UPDATE 3:15 pm**

Holy crap that benefits conference call sucked my brain out. But I already know I’m getting the “top of the line” plan because I’m just positive I’ll be using it all the damn time. I want to have frequent therapy, and semi regular psychiatry visits to keep my brain doing what it should. Plus I’ll be enrolling in the 401k as I have every intention to remain at Mood for the long term. I mean, the job isn’t getting harder, my level of understanding being the only thing that will need to grow over time. And a general familiarity with the policies and procedures involved in this job. It’s not like work has been before, either dependent on commission or fluctuating hours. This is as locked in as it gets for me, and the rewards pay out over time. I also get up to 20 paid days off a year, and 2 paid floating holidays. Though I only get 1 this year and I have to use it in December. I know this is truly compelling subject matter. But I’m excited to be in a serious job with great rewards and coverages for all the wrinkles of life. It’s an excellent time, and I’m feeling more stable, safe and secure as time goes by. Thanks for being here too.

The Night Noise

I’m off work (yay) and doing super. It was a productive day at work, with a few snarly problems to sort through, but nothing I couldn’t handle. And more stuff learned that I did not really know before, but the contents of which would thoroughly bore you and also make no sense out of context. Point being: I had another day where I worked hard, put up good numbers, and had no one screaming at me about this or that. It was a belt-notch day. I indulged and had a terrible lunch, because I woke up late (again) and did not prepare one for myself. I need to go shopping, but will probably put it off until Saturday after work. THAT’S RIGHT, work on Saturday, all overtime. And it’s cake, as we’re just training on new systems we support, and how to fuck with them and get them working when they fail.

I’ve been having some really fun conversations, both here on WordPress, but also with Jacqueline, who usually has some time at work (like I do) to chitter chat about things. We’re trying to arrange a meeting, which would be fun if she came over on Sunday because we could both have fun watching football. YES. And did I mention that I’m 7-1, and in first place in my work fantasy league? Not bad I say. Next nearest guy is 2 games back. The 1 seed is clearly mine to lose.

I’m also glad to report a huge shift in thinking. I’m really not at all interested in going back to my past anymore, I mean, what the hell good is it doing me to dwell on things that will never change? I’m through with this unnecessary suffering nonsense. I’m resolved to improve as a person, and the best way to do that is to get up and move on. And So we will! No more depressing posts about memories and other such useless garbage. The future is nigh!

And on that note, I’m on a roll, and really actually enjoying not living outside my parent’s RV anymore (believe it or not). Even the loss of constant human contact has not been able to phase me. I still get lots of words thrown at me everyday, I have the internet and my little iPhone which manages all my social connections. I’m trying to be active to keep myself from stagnating. It is my hope that this somewhat 4G dependent connectivity is enough to keep me happy.

I’m doing fine though blog, really. I must keep putting one foot in front of the other for many consecutive days. It is on me to be a good steward of my life, and that is precisely what I intend to do.

P.S.

We’re having a live band come to the office tomorrow to blow our minds with some wild rock. I know. What the hell is a live band doing at an office (and a call center at that)? Beats me guys. I just know it’s happening, and we’re all invited. I also know Halloween is going to be a monkey mess, with little kids coming to trick-or-treat. I mean, WHAT? Is this my work, or insane party town?

So this is the end of my productive days and likely the beginning of the circus. Weeeeee!!!

Progression

I just found out my debt consolidation payments will be lowered to $10 a month which is like: how will it ever get paid off at that rate? I guess they just need you to be actively trying to pay it down, not actually forking over an amount that would make a short-term difference. But I’m excited to get these loans out of default. That will be awesome. I have an unsettling feeling that there may be even more loans out there that I still have to pay, but I’ve heard nothing to give me that indication.

If you read the comments you know that a neat WordPress blogger named Sasha has become a new pal of mine and a friend of the Neurochemically Challenged blog. Hers, Rambling For Clarity is another example of a person being determined to better her life through an introspective journey. I especially admire her 90 day sugar reduction health kick. That is hard to do, for sure. And she’s on day 47 so over the hump. Way to go!

Work is slowing down like it does at the end of the day. I work Saturday for 4 hours of training. Not bad. Fatter check this time around.

But things are going great. I’m out here handling my life like a pro. I can’t complain, and know that I’m applying myself fully to the task of managing my life with efficiency and pride. And I am quite proud of all I’ve done. Thanks for watching, stay tuned for more stuff.