No One Like You – ScorpionsĀ 

Girl, it’s been a long time that we’ve been apart,

Much too long for a man that needs love,

I’ve missed you since I’ve been away, 

Oh babe, wasn’t easy to leave you alone, 

It gets harder each time that I go,

If I had a choice, I would stay,

There’s no one like you,

I can’t wait for the nights with you, 

I imagine the things we do,

I just want to be loved by you,

No one like you,

I can’t wait for the nights with you, 

I imagine the things we do,

I just want to be loved, by you. 

Girl, there are really no words strong enough,

To describe all my longing for love,

I don’t want my feelings restrained,

Oh babe, now I need you like never before,

Just imagine you’d come through this door, 

And take all my sorrows away,

There’s no one like you,

I can’t wait for the nights with you,

I imagine the things we do,

I just want to be loved by you,

No one like you,

I can’t wait for the nights with you,

I imagine the things we do,

I just want to be loved by you. 

Called Into Question

Score: +3

For the most part today was great, but I had some run-ins with ineptitude at work. I’m, largely, surrounded by people who are not interested in putting forth their best effort in their endeavors. They would much rather socialize and laugh all day than put forth the extra energy to accomplish the work that is otherwise being ignored/neglected. It takes initiative to succeed, and I have asked my supervisors at every turn if there is more I can do. I’ve been aggressive about reporting failures to the right people. Things are a little frustrating at times, but I am going to try and relax a little. I could learn a lot from Amanda in this regard. She is ridiculously calm, and easy-going. I really like that. I’ve been with such sensitive, high-strung partners in the past. I’ve always been terrified of saying the wrong thing, and having to walk on eggshells all the time. Jennifer would pounce on the slightest miscalculation in speech and a huge fight would ensue. Jax took EVERYTHING personally, like I was attacking her at every opportunity. Amanda is impregnable. Tonight I felt like I was really rude in bragging about going to my parent’s place to smoke when she can’t because she has Tristan. But she reassured me. She wasn’t angry with me. She just brushed it off like it was an unwanted fluffy on her shirt. I really dig this girl. 

Tomorrow is Friday. It’s been a pretty solid, productive week. My mood has been pretty good. Not fluctuating much at all. I’m working hard and making myself proud. All good things. One more day to go…

Straight To My Heart – Sting

In a hundred years from now

They will attempt to tell us how

The scientific means to bliss

Will supersede the human kiss

A subatomic chain

Will maybe galvanize your brain

And a biochemic trance

Will eliminate romance

Why ever should we care?

When there are arrows in the air

Formed by lover’s ancient art

That fly straight to my heart,

A future sugar-coated pill

Will give our lovers time to kill

I think they’re working far too much

For the redundancy of touch

What will make me yours

Are a million deadly spores

Formed by lover’s ancient art

That fly straight to my heart

Come in to my door

Be the light in my life

Come in to my door

Never have to sweep the floor

Come in to my door

Be the light in my life

Come in to my door

Come and be my wife

I’ll be true

To no one but you


If it’s a future world we fear

We have tomorrow’s seeds right here

You can hold them in your hand 

Or let them fall into the sand


If our love is pure

The only thing of which we’re sure

Is that you can play your part

And fly straight to my heart


If I’m to seek immunity

And love you with impunity

Then the only thing to do

Is for me to pledge myself to you


Only dealt one card

So for me it is not hard

Your the bright star in my chart

You go straight to my heart

Attitude

Score: +3.5

It could have been a very stressful day today, but I chose to have a different take on it. I decided that I was doing the best I knew how, and even though people on the phone were mad, I would not let their misdirected anger affect me. I had 2 irate people to deal with today, and by the end of one of them I was laughing and joking with the lady. It couldn’t have gone any better, to be honest, I’m sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it may, but I feel like if anyone listened to my call they would understand what was going on. I still have a lot to learn, but I’m doing really great at my job overall, and earning the respect of my supervisors. Things are going good, due in large part to my attitude. 

I had a good session with Margaret today, and I made it not be as much about me. I was feeling bad because we never talk about her at all. I understand that therapy is supposed to be about me, but I need to see my therapist as a human being first. How can I trust her point of view if I don’t have any idea what kind of person she is? She’s not a cardboard cutout that I yammer at, she’s a real person with feelings and a life. I need to understand her (somewhat) in order to consider her words valid. So I found out she is in a new relationship that started about the same time mine did. And she is feeling spoiled by a chivalrous man, much the same way I take care of Amanda. And her relationship is built on friendship, not lust and passion. She has real feelings, but they don’t all have to explode out all at once. This is congruent to how I feel in my own relationship. Funny how things line up? 

I had plenty of chances to destroy myself today. I did not. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, my mind was running on with bad thoughts and music that wouldn’t stop. A sign of a potential psychotic episode. But I woke up today feeling rejuvenated and functional. Even though it was ass early. 

Have a good night blog. 

Slammed

Score: +2.5

I had a +3.5 most of the day, but it all fell apart at the end of my shift. My supervisors gave 2/3 of the evening shift guys the day off, leaving me as the only call agent in the queue between 5:00 and 6:00 pm. There aren’t an excessive amount of calls IF you have 3 guys handling them. But one guy? I was inundated with time-consuming issues while incoming calls piled up in the queue. The second I was off one call, I was right back on another. Kaiser hopped in to help out because I was floundering. So that +3.5 I had going into the final hour quickly evaporated off and left my brain starved, depleted and done. 

I had an evening with Amanda and Tristan, but I was deadpan, listless and tired. We had chicken, rice and salad. It was really nice, but I couldn’t really express much. I was drained of my vital energy, and I must have seemed unhappy to Amanda. In reality, being there with them was the thing I was most looking forward to all day. But I couldn’t enjoy it or prosper much in being there: I was mentally out of gas. 

Amanda works so hard. I admire her, for what obstacles she has to clear on a given day. She does it calmly, and with dignity. I can learn a lot from her example. 

Tomorrow I go see my therapist, and for once, I don’t really want to talk about me. I want to know what challenges she is facing with her bipolar daughter, and how she is dealing with them. It’s been tough on my parents, seeing my whole world shatter on several occasions. So I can’t imagine that Margaret’s daughter will have a completely benign experience with bipolar disorder. My life is going along fine. I’m taking the right steps and I’m being mindful. I want my therapeutic relationship to go both ways. 

Have a good night blog. I’ll see you tomorrow. 

Just A Ham Sandwich

Score: +3.5

40 Day Average: +2.95

Hello. I’m doing swell. Life is both interesting and challenging. Some days my neurochemicals are balanced and everything is good. Other times, I must commit a great deal of energy to fending off sadness, and largely fail at doing so. But these off days are few, as indicated by the graph. I seem to be more on top of things than I have been in a very long time. I’m succeeding at work, and striving for a balanced, healthy lifestyle. I want to be here, to see things change with my eyes, to be alive in a meaningful way. I value having a purposeful way of inhabiting the Earth. I try not to judge or generalize, and I’m always willing to give anyone a try. 

It was back to work today, but I really didn’t mind. The work was steady, and the time between start and lunch got there in about 30 minutes. I was able to catch a few words with Amanda, but she was busy. It never really slowed down until around 4:30 pm. I took maybe 2 calls the rest of the way. I’m all alone tomorrow night. The supervisors gave 2 of the 3 closing shift guys the night off. Which means it’s me and Kaiser from 5:30 on. I don’t mind. If anything, I take it as a sign that they trust me enough to hand the wheel over to me for a while. I’m the only guy answering the phone at the DTOC. I sure hope I have a good night. 

Anyway, I’m in love blog. Duh. I’m having fun with a great woman. She inspires my enthusiasm and churns my desire. I’m looking forward to continuing to love her, and her son. I feel very welcomed into her world, as this weekend was total immersion. I feel great about it. There’s still a lot to learn, and understand, but I’m content with the speed at which I learn it. We’re not taking premature action, we are contemplating the next minor step. 

I’m a happy boy, on a roll. 

I have been playing the expansion to XCOM: Enemy Unknown called XCOM: Enemy Within. It is a remake of the original but with a new storyline and some added content. One of the primary differences is meld, a new resource for you to collect. It is to be found on the battleground maps, hidden in the fog of war, but on a self destruct timer that will destroy the meld if it is not found before it expires.  Meld is used to create and upgrade mecs (more new content) or, cybernetic battlesuits with a human body and head but the rest machine. And you can spend meld on biological enhancements for your soldiers, loading them up with special abilities. 

It adds a new storyline with another covert agency called EXALT vying for control (like XCOM would have) after the invasion is thwarted. You spend a good deal of time going on data recovery missions and killing genetically modified EXALT agents. Plus, the aliens attack XCOM headquarters with many units. Soldiers die faster because the AI is more aggressive about standing in the open and taking clear shots on flanked targets. I have turned over many, many soldiers in my current game, and if I haven’t killed them, I’ve injured them severely. My hangars are near having a firestorm in each country, and UFOs getting away is my current major problem. 

I’m maybe 3/4 of the way through the game. It’s fun. I’ll play it to the end and I’m sure it will be good.