Shameless And Sleepy

I still have little monkey thoughts in my brain. I often wonder about my future: we have to consider the path of torment I so often subject myself to. Things are already pretty hard being mentally ill. I make it even more treacherous by ruining my chances of success. I chose to evict my loneliness with companionship instead of learning how to stand by myself. It’s just so damn tasty at first. Love can be like a warm muffin in the beginning. But this variety of emotion doesn’t have much else going for it. Pretty soon, all that’s left is that annoying paper cup where once there used to be wholesome goodness. My time here has been short. I was willing to keep the muffin pants and go forward having no more to eat. But alas, if the muffin is gone, the joy is sucked right out of the everything and no one eats the pants.

My analogies are a tad strange. But I think you get my point. What I’ve been doing is avoiding eating my muffin. I don’t want the muffin. I put it into the refrigerator (intact) and have no intention of eating it. Not sure where this is headed. Point being: anyone can just eat the muffin. That’s the fun part. But what then? What drives sustainability of the thing worth keeping has lost all its value? I don’t want this to happen to me, as I have grown fat on muffins and know better than to keep buying a new one when the old one is gone.

Blog, I have confidence. Not a whole lot can really dig at me. I’ve got no part of my life that can’t be managed by me. I have no circumstance which could decide my fate, then being vastly out of my control. In the inevitable act of comparison, I have no desire to replicate the lives or actions of my exes, and I don’t look at them and say: “hot damn, I wish I was doing that.” In short, what I have is just what I want, and nothing less. Did I screw up? Sure, I mean, don’t we all at some point? But did I go from living a life that didn’t work, to then living a similar life expecting a new outcome? Isn’t that a really dumb thing to expect?

I think it’s foolish to hope that life moves on. Life doesn’t do anything for anyone. It constitutes a stage where events take place. It doesn’t know how to adjust, WE adjust, and WE dictate the outcomes. No one is going to take the responsibility away from you. It’s yours, whether you choose to own it or not. Life goes on, much like the oven where my metaphorical muffin is baking.

Do I find it hard to imagine anyone else being at fault for my mood, my life’s events (at least, at this juncture)? I did the very thing I set out to do, and I didn’t go back on my words and edit them to fit my choice; I proceeded with the intention of following through with what I had originally said. I can now look in the mirror and know I didn’t lie, cheat, mislead, or hurt anyone getting my muffin baked. I told you all I was going to bake a muffin and so I did. And I don’t have to eat it. I can save it forever, as a tangible sign of the physical achievement of my success (and baking skill).

And I’ve made good decisions for my long-term health and stability. On that front: I’ve also been weeks without pot, something I could have continued to do but declined for my own health and wellbeing. And now I will be giving up alcohol. And to follow the parade of sacrifices; I have resolved to stop drinking coffee. Frankly, good coffee is an unnecessary expense, and my kitchen is all about efficiency.

Like I said at the start: this is all a big mess of monkey thoughts. But it’s my blog and I’ll natter on about whatever I want. But now I’m kinda hungry…

Poisoned By Stupidity

So I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I can no longer drink alcohol, as this substance ruins my mood and upsets my stomach. My parents came over today to watch football, but I was not having a good time after I drank the beer my mom brought. I made matters worse by then drinking an entire pot of coffee (albeit, in an effort to stay awake for them). Needless to say, the drowsiness brought on by the beer has thoroughly won, and all that remains is a gurgle of unhappiness. So beer, at long last I am done with you.

Lesson learned. I was up at 3 this morning, and I’ve struggled with exhaustion all day, coming to this point of total collapse. It’s not my bed time yet, but I see no likelihood in my remaining conscious beyond this afternoon. A disappointing football day followed by a less than friendly chemical war in my stomach.

But what can you do? I tried to make the best of it, and I failed. Things happen. My upset stomach will pass. My fatigue will be cured by rest, and tomorrow is a new and exciting week as a regular employee. Huzzah. I’m looking forward to starting, and hammering out the hours as a member of the team officially. I have had my rest, and now it’s time to get after it. And I can do that.

Blog, I know things are moving along. I’m more certain than ever that companionship is not a good road for me. All my attempts to reach out to others have ended in my enthusiasm being ignored. I’m not going to fall in love with anyone. I’m not even remotely interested in the prospect. So why all the attempts to reach out and meet someone? Am I even slightly inclined? Frankly the whole line of thinking is flawed. I don’t even want it. So why beat myself up over not having it? It’s probably a lot more trouble than it is reward. And the emotional energy it takes to keep a relationship alive and healthy is not a commitment I’m interested in making. I have so many good things going on in my new life; I wouldn’t put that at risk for anyone else. With all my efforts driving me to keep myself balanced and healthy, I don’t have enough left over to make anything work. I could just wing it, but why? To say that I got over Jax by getting a new relationship? Or that somehow we were racing to see who could be happiest first? It all seems like rather petty motivations for such a life-altering thing.

It’s nice though, this life I have. Perhaps not when I have nuked my system with chemicals, but good for the most part and definitely headed in the right direction. I still have many things to look forward to. I’m in the rather boring business of living life for myself, and doing the same thing for a long time. I sometimes scare myself: thinking I don’t have enough sanity to keep my head out of trouble, or that I will somehow blow it and lose my life again like I have in the past. But these fears are unsubstantiated. I can go back into my past and say: look, here’s the point where I lost it, and understand why it happened. It’s not 100% because I lost control. Other people have s huge influence on me, and can greatly accelerate my deterioration. I’m currently thinking: without anyone else to poison my well, will I do it to myself, or will I be ok?

I’m pretty tired. I think 12 hours of rest is an order. Goodnight to all these mixed thoughts, and you.

The Art Of Spin

I could be miserable, but I’m not going to let myself feel that way. I have some say in the matter when last I checked. And I have been struggling with feelings for the last day, but it happens and that’s ok. I have a choice, and I can decide to take it easy on myself, or, find a way to make my situation somehow unbearable. I may be lonely, but it’s not a sensation that will command my actions or determine much of anything. I’m choosing to rest because my body is asking for it. My feet are tired and my boring disposition does not have to reflect a declining mood. I had fun today, got to go walk around outside, take in the air, and do one of my favorite activities. One that I took advantage of while my rockhounding buddy is still in town. Eventually they’ll be on the road and I will have to inspire my own adventures.

And I am playing Diablo II again with the perfect drop mod, which is not as lame as it sounds. Rares drop infrequently and you might only expect a unique item off a named mob, sometimes an elite mob or ghostly or whatever nomenclature that distinguishes it from the trash. It grants experience at a rate comparable to the level cap as the end result of beating the game in hell mode, so there’s actually a decent chance of successfully leveling up into the high 80s, thereby granting use of some of the game’s finest equipment. I always hated how the game would become impossibly hard and there was no chance EVER of completing a set off the weak-ass boss drops. Sets are just so rad, and to actually play a version of the game where picking up the elements on the drop becomes a reality is the best ever (slight exaggeration). I love that. I’m not going to, but if I wanted some pre expansion set, all is have to do is grind. This game keeps the fundamentals intact, and makes item drops exciting again. Hooray for that.

Blog, I also find writing to you to be helpful. I get all these words piled up in my head and sometimes I just don’t know what to do with them all. I can get lost interpreting them negatively, and that can lead to a rapid decline in mood. But today I did a fun, and I just now called my mom to thank her for taking me rock collecting. I wanted her to know that I had a good time. Which is all try and should be reiterated as often as possible. I really do think I just needed that one extra day to not have to go grind my face off at work, to be able to sit back for a bit and let myself refill with energy. Blog, I feel fine, and even now, I’m excited to get back to work. I’m starting out my first day as a real employee now, not just a temp. I’m certified. I feel just so awesome about that.

So I’m in bed a bit early, but I’ve already eaten dinner and taken my nighttime meds. I know all my body is asking for is tranquility and rest, which I am only too happy to oblige. I want you to know that I’m going to be fine, and my spirit is lifting, and the rain clouds are passing by. I’ve got a ton to look forward to out here. My life is in the best way it’s been in years. I have a loving family, a solid support structure to catch me if I were to fall, and a sense of worth I haven’t had for years. I took the broken bits of my life, gathered them up, and glued my leg statue lamp back together again. It’s a major award you know?

Have a fantastic Saturday night doing whatever makes you smile. It’s a little early for A Christmas Story jokes, but I couldn’t resist.

The McCain Valley Rockhounding Trip

We woke up and got this thing rolling. We were on the I-8 East by 7:00 am and the morning marine layer had just started to lift up and away as we rapidly gained elevation outside of El Cajon. Then we were cruising through the mountains, with the yellow sun beating us head on over the ridge-tops. Then the oddest thing happened… the temperature plummeted to 43 degrees and this insane mountain fog showed up, thick, wet and freezing. I had to document:


So we drove through that, and got out to McCain Valle Road, which is miles of dirt road all pretty well maintained, to my surprise. And there were lots of open use campgrounds with no rangers but pay boxes for your $6 per night fee. Pretty cool. We saw some people camping in the freezing cold and I remembered my recent trip to the so-called Lake Morena. Ah, memories.


We went out to the spot I picked, and did our best collecting at that first site. I knew the back of the valley would have the highest chance of yielding collectable samples, and I was mostly right. The terrain was far more bushy than I had thought it would be, and my uncovered legs got pretty scratched up as we hiked through narrow granite riverbeds and low brush. Eventually we had walked out into another campsite, and just took the road back. Actually, we collected some nice samples right out of the gravel road, which had been seeded with local till as well as gravel. I picked a very nice rose Quartz while we went on our way back. On the way out of the valley, we stopped at a lookout and I used my pitiful iPhone camera to capture the Carizzo overlook, and the desert floor below.


With Moo up to her usual antics



After that, we drove down into the Jucumba flats area, and hit two more collecting sites, a dirt turnout near old highway 80, and a long river-wash near some hilly outcroppings. The last site yielded some fine Feldspar samples, mostly white, but with remarkable features.

Once home, we washed the samples and laid them out for a picture, which didn’t come out very well. But hey, I’m not expecting much from my phone after all.


So, a successful, and fun trip. I should not have forgotten my sunglasses, as the white granite and sand was utterly blinding me. But you can see the rose Quartz I picked up, as well as a nice Amatrine my mom found, and the Feldspar is the white stuff.


Great adventure, fun day, phew, I’m tired. Good show. See you later.

Little Pieces

I’m crying. For having done next to nothing all day it sure has taken a toll on me. I’m feeling unquenchably alone, and unwillingly so. Everyone who has ever been close to me has left. At some point, the truth of my undesirable disposition becomes apparent. It’s these times where I struggle; thinking back on all the personal failures of my life. I’ve had many opportunities to be happy with someone else, and they’ve all come unraveled.

Blog, I try to keep my head on straight about these feelings. But sometimes I just break down; I lose sight of the good and become immersed in negativity. Being at work lifts me, and drains me simultaneously. It’s a net gain, but I knew something was wrong today. I was in a funk and I haven’t been able to lift myself out of it at all. Now we’ve come to the low, and the bottom of the grade is here. Even as I write this, my sad little tears are drying. I haven’t talked to anyone today. I’ve been almost totally silent. I put on some music, but I couldn’t sing. I just didn’t feel the music at all. My fingertips are numb and my face is straining underneath a frown.

I’m expecting a call from Ray my MHS case worker. He’s still working on making sure I’m doing ok, even though my 90 days at Mood have already passed. So there’s that.

I’m calling it quits for today. I took my nighttime meds and I’m not leaving my warm bed for any reason. I just want to go to sleep so this terrible feeling will go through me and let me be. It’s never that easy. I have only the internal dialogue of pessimism and slanted arguments to contend with. Blah. My sadness is fleeting, which is why I’m resigning.

I know I’m not fundamentally sad. I am occasionally haunted, which is not very fun when it happens. It comes with the territory of being who I am. I wish I could be normal, and have someone, and not be ripped apart by it all. Maybe companionship is just not possible for me. Who knows?

Well. It’s been an uneventful but dreadful day of what was supposed to be rest, and what has turned out to be remorse. Tomorrow is another day.

Adventure Season

We’re going rockhounding this Saturday, and I already have our site picked out in the McCain Valley, right at the top, in the Anza-Borego State Park. All through the valley is primarily Indian land, but this one secluded corner is still in our reach. I’m not quite sure what to expect, besides schorl. I don’t even know if we will be able to get there, but we could sure try, as the pickings in the McCain Valley are good.

I’m at home, and so is everyone else, so the Internet connection speed is pathetic for websites. It usually times out, and I’m now contemplating reconfiguring my entire setup to maximize connectivity to the router, which is up and deep in the main house. I’m not positive what sorts of things disrupt a wireless n signal, but I know it’s happening. I’ll reposition my wireless antenna so it’s closer to the ceiling and maybe that will help.

As I paused in writing this post to test my theory, I report success, and a now 130mbps signal almost entirely uninterrupted and very near the ceiling.

I’ve been trying to nap for hours, and nothing’s working. I drank my last beer hoping that would make with the sleep, but no dice. I downloaded and installed Diablo II earlier this morning, running the famous drop mod, which will be fun starting over with as I have long since deleted my old toons. I used to play with Jax, but that was a disaster, and just another complaint that I was too controlling. We never went back to it because we could never talk about and address our problems. She would get mad about something but never look to fix it, or at least talk it out. That wasn’t her way. She buried problems deep and waited until the breaking point to uncork everything. It must have made it easier to cheat on me; all that unresolved anger. Why not cheat on him? He’s a fucker.

Blog, I think I needed today, but I always get frustrated with myself when I can’t perform at an optimal level. I mean, I forget that I have s disability which can hold me back sometimes. I’d rather be normal, and be able to grind out my days and never have to think twice about it. But I’m not, and beating myself up over my shortcomings isn’t helping me.

At least I have the weekend. I’m hopeful that tomorrow’s adventure is fun and good, as most rock collecting trips tend to be. McCain Valley or bust.

I would have been wholly useless at work today. I barely have enough energy to keep myself conscious, but too much to fall into sleep. It’s a tough spot. Goodbye for now.


Shameless corners dust and dirt,
Parched ever in the wilting sun,
Made brave in the blasting heat,
Long shadows come undone.
Whispering in the stale air,
Their cries of want and endless thirst,
A mellow red sunset long,
The clash of color due to burst.
Reckless, cringing scrape of night,
The heat of day did not belong,
When eyes are groping for the light,
And crickets make their special song.
Arise again the break of dawn,
Emboldened, clutching hand-in-hand,
Another pale promise gone,
Buried deep beneath the sand.