Looming

Do you ever get this terrible feeling like bad things are about to happen? Today the feeling nearly flattened me. I struggled then and now. I try to put the thoughts out of my head but to no avail. I even try to process logically, but it just comes back. I don’t know how to quantify the anxiety. I just feel crippled. 

I’m here in bed after doing some exercise. Getting my blood pumping helped. I feel less edgy. I just want today to be over, but it’s too soon for that. Sun is still up, despite how tired I feel. It’s hot too, but not as bad as yesterday. I think I am going to spend more time on the elliptical. 

I’m swimming in a sea of feelings, some rising to crest, others pulling down into troughs. I just want this to stop. 

The Cycle

Score: +2

Down day for me today. I had difficulty at work and only put in a half-day. I am feeling cripplingly lethargic and achy. But I am going to exercise today because I feel that helps in times like this, when the body feels stiff in decay. I need the blood pumping, the juices flowing. Clear my head of the negative thoughts I have. Amanda is having similar difficulties this week. She did not go in, and will not until Wednesday at the earliest. I talked with her some today about the things that have been on her mind, and we walked through rationalizing some fears and anxieties. We also discussed the source of her sadness, and how we can frame things differently to take the pain out of those recollections. After the Jesse letdown, there was bound to be fallout.

But I hope that tomorrow brings a newfound energy. I seemed to take a step backwards over the weekend. Whatever the reason, I need to redouble my efforts to have a better Tuesday. I know things are going to be fine, I just need to get back on track. We both need to get on track. She goes to see per lame psychiatrist tomorrow and he will tell her nothing of use and send her away without changing her meds. I’m pessimistic because I have good reason to be. Though, we are party to deception, as she does not take the anti-psychotics he prescribes.

Hope you all have a good evening.

Progress

Score: +4

This was for Friday. I have completed my first week as a part of the management team, and life is very good. I’ve never been given the sort of creative freedom I have now, nor the responsibility. This is all quite uncharted territory. However, I feel immersed in my new role, and very capable of executing the tasks involved. I was in a big meeting on Friday with the chairperson of the whole customer support department, spanning 4 different call centers across the US and Europe. So we had a good chat. I felt “in the know” on some things. All in all, it was a fantastic experience that I’m glad as fuck will be my regular routine.

My scores have been off the charts this week. +3.5 almost every day, and a 4 on Friday. I’m feeling a HUGE resurgence of enthusiasm for my job and the new direction I’m going. This is all very exciting. Amanda has been missing work, and a lot of it is her pain, but some of it is her fighting with Jesse still. In the end, she would like to build a friendship with her ex, you know, since they have a kid together. But he outright told her that he would never be her friend, and she took that kinda hard. She hasn’t been able to fully detach from him because of Tristan, and now that relationship is relegated to an awkward exchange of responsibility every now and then, I can’t imagine she will have an easy time coping. Also, that’s not a great role model relationship dynamic for Tristan to grow up with. I hope he looks at Amanda and I as an example, since we have a healthy, functional partnership. We never fight, we talk and laugh together, we don’t discipline with violence… compared to Jesse who does the exact opposite of what we do. Negative reinforcement. It is the way it is, and Tristan will be able to make up his own mind soon enough about how he likes to be treated. He will also be getting a break from Pentecostalism while he is with us.

It’s heading into the summer season and temperatures are on the rise. Out poor little apartment is about to become a permanent hot-box of excess heat from the air and from the sun beating down on our roof all day long. The fucking walls are hot, ok? The bed is hot to the touch. It’s a fucking nightmare. But we have big powerful fans that can keep air moving over us at all times, so that’s a relief at least. But my sister and I were discussing the woes of living in the upstairs apartment when we were having dinner Thursday night. It’s miserable no matter the precautions you take.

Things are going splendidly blog. I hope all is well with you. I hope to provide an example of a mentally ill person who fought really fucking hard and got stable and built a life for himself. If I can do it, YOU might be able to do it too. Maybe things I have done might help you in your own mental health journey? That’s all this blog is about, an example, a case study. 500+ days of scoring, data collection, trend observation and analysis. It’s not a fucking joke, your mental health. If you don’t own it, it will utterly own you. I would prefer not to be owned, as I’m fucking prideful. I fight. So should you. Rawr.

 

Uncharted

Score: +3.5

I’ve been doing my new job for two days now and it’s fucking awesome. The experience has been wonderful. I’ve been in video meetings, helped lay the groundwork for a new department and learned two new software interfaces. I’m absorbing and doing the best I can to stay busy. The work is compelling. Though, I will probably be the new most hated person in the office. I deliver one-on-ones after doing my evaluations. Everything is documented. So those will be tough. But overall, I’m going to enjoy it. 

More importantly, this feels like a graduation moment in my life. I’ve never been promoted before, and never conceived of a 33% raise. I feel relieved that the evaluation process is over, and sorta still in shock about the new job. Is this really happening to me? You mean, hard work really does pay off?

Right now, things are as good as they’ve been in a while. Amanda’s flare up is finally subsiding, and she’s going back to work tomorrow. We bought an elliptical (which I assembled) and are planning on daily cardiovascular exercise. We set it up in the living room behind the couch, facing the tv. This is a positive activity which will yield substantial health benefits over time. We could both use it, and there’s no telling what secret energy we have yet to unlock as time passes. So plus territory, that’s for sure. 

I’m doing great blog. I’m really finally feeling like I’ve moved on from my past life. I’ve let go of even the faintest curiosities. My life is so fantabulous right now, why bother dwelling in the past? I’m too preoccupied enjoying every perk of my cushy new existence. 

Have a great night. 

Transition Time

Score: +2

It’s my last week of having to be the master of three ticketing systems. The guy I was supposed to teach to be my replacement didn’t show up today. I don’t think they can expect the same quality of service that I delivered. I’m just looking forward to having a lighter workload. 

We locked in to a 9 month lease. Part of the reasoning being that I need to recessetate my savings, and stabilize financially. It keeps our rent from going up for a while. At least. Amanda just had a huge family adventure getting her parents out of the squalor they were enduring. So the kids rallied together and saved the parents, much to their protest. I got to meet older brother David, who seems like a level-headed fellow. He’s been through some shit, and it’s good to see people who have strive for normalcy. 

Things are ok in my world. I’m not as tired as I usually am on a Monday. Tomorrow is a fresh start. Just checking in. 

…To Those Who Wait

Score: +3

At long last, after a month of application qualifications, the promotion is mine. I had an idea all along, as I put in above and beyond energy in all stages of the analysis of the candidates. I didn’t know for sure until today, and BOY am I relieved. I was struggling to make ends meet, and kicking the can farther down the road. Now, I won’t have to worry about that again. I am so relieved. I was spinning and spinning last night thinking about it. I have been given stability, and a fresh start doing something unique. I’m really happy about all of this. 

Life has been stable of late. I have not missed any work in a good long while. I find myself thinking about how far I’ve come. Remember when I was living outside an RV for 4 months?  

I met the whole family tonight with David there in celebration of Amanda’s mom’s birthday. I had not met David, and he’s a cool guy. Kathy was there too. It was good. We talked and they congratulated me on my promotion. We ate dinner and laughed. 

I’ve been so tired. I have to energy for games anymore. I play scrabble now and that’s the extent of it. Maybe bookworm but meh. Anyway, I think my energy is indeed going to improve as the new life takes effect. 

I’m going to bed. More early mornings still ahead in my calendar. At least, for now. 

Rub Some Dirt On It

Score: +2.5

Hello blog. I have been pondering my current situation, and marveling at how vastly different it is from any other point in my life. I have been in a truly stable place for three years, and have enjoyed unprecedented good mental health. The meds I’m on are working great, and I am generally positive about things. I mean, I’m not unrealistic or delusionally happy or anything. Being stable has caused me to think more practically. I try to have a process and slow things down. I find this helps prevent situations from getting out of hand. But even my emotions are regular, not all hopped-up on neurochemicals. In reflection, I find I don’t have much to complain about. 

So that’s where the dirt comes in. I have to talk to myself sometimes and give myself a firm kick in the ass in order to get where I need to go. I suffer, and I get all pudding-brain, but that’s life, bub. It’s not easy to get what you want. You have to fight constantly, and do your best to gain ground. I have my moments of weakness. I try to keep the distance between them far, as I have been lately. I’m coming up on a full month without a missed day. Sometimes I just have to tell myself that I can do it! That I can get right back out there and go for it. Scrape your knee? Rub some dirt on it and go get ’em there, choppy. 

Sometimes a good thump is just what I need. Even if it has to come from me.