Weight

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and many anxious thoughts to go along with them. My family wants to move back to Sacramento so they can be with my sister and her son (in August). They want me to come too. 

How smoothly I would be able to make the transition? The more I think about it the more rife with peril it is. My mom wants me to come live on her dime while I find work. I can’t do that from a strictly moral standpoint. I’m an adult, and I make an income. I will not be a dependent. That’s a road that leads straight to loss of identity and depression. What if it drags on? Then what? This situation presents many problems that there aren’t solutions for. 

At least for the foreseeable future, I invision myself here. I’m stable here. I have a job with status. I make more than I ever have in my life. Giving all of that up is pretty dramatic, and in exchange for a very unstable circumstance. I want to be there at this special time for my family, but I don’t see how they can ask me be, being who I am. I am constantly cost benefitting this situation. My results have been pretty consistent, as has the tone of this post. 

I think I need my independent life. I have never really had it, and now I want to nurture it. I’m surviving out here. I’m so fucking proud of that. I want to continue to show myself that I can hang in the real world. You can’t ask me to push the reset button and move half way across the state. My whole life would change, and I can’t handle that thought right now. I’m already doing so much to get myself right…

Blog, I’m very torn. My psychologist said I should do what’s best for my mental health. Yeah thanks. Very insightful. My only course is just to keep on going. My lease isn’t up until November. I don’t have to make a decision until then, even though I think I already have. 

These thoughts and the anxieties they create have been my anguish of late. Hopefully rest tonight pacifies them. 

Union

Fingers,

Tenderly through damp hair,

Along the soft curve of her neck–

Lost in deep pools of blue.

Somewhere in that moment–

When in union,

Entwined in the act,

Eyes that drive into the soul–

Laid bare and exposed,

Dripping and moving,

Two worlds become one.

The wells of her beauty,

Captivated in her many places,

Those precious seconds,

Given gladly in adoration.

 

Firmly

I feel on remarkably good footing lately, in terms of my mental functionality. There are all the ingredients to instability here, but I am not indulging a collapse. In fact, I am utilizing this opportunity to get stronger. 

There is a lot of raw fuel for trouble laying around: are my parents moving away in the winter? Will my arrangement with Carly become more permanent? Do I like the way I am leading my life right now? It’s up to me to balance these questions and not tip the scales with anxiety or projections. I am a responsible adult and fully capable of making rational assessments and choosing what I get worked up about. 

This brings me to my confidence level. Right now, I feel great about the person I am. I am genuinely proud of what I have been able to accomplish given my circumstance. I’m not going to let one undecided question tear all of that down. I am in control. Even if things in my life remain undecided, the anxiety will not shred me. Life is full of unanswered questions. 

So I plow forward in the world knowing who I am and finding ways to succeed. I am confident I will persevere despite ambiguity. This is the test for me; maintain my form despite forces trying to tear it apart. 

I’m having a Good Friday blog. Going to see my parents tonight and we are set to have a fantastic time, as we always do. A nice, long and restful two days off up ahead has me in a great mood. Just got to slog through today and then cut loose to freedom. 

I hope you have a Friday depleted of stress and replete with happiness and smiles. Optimism rules. 

A Good Talk

Carly and I had a very frank and realistic discussion together today and we went over our current “relationship” and what it means for each of us. I was greatly reassured by this discussion and ever the more interested in getting close to Carly. She struck down some of my anxieties about how she felt, and gave our situation the perfect description: “more than friends.” That’s what it is really, and it’s very good to be more than friends with her.

My anxieties stem from paranoid suspicions and misinterpreted facts. The main concern was that I thought that even though she was busy, she still didn’t really want to talk to me. That was quickly dispatched with reassurances to the contrary. Her life has become temporarily busy with family and friends, and I understand that. She does want to talk, she just can’t as often.

I don’t really want to think about the future, as this tends to be the realm of anxiety. Instead, I want to think about now, and how rapidly I can get some Carly over here. I’m going to do everything I can to spend time with that girl blog. I will not let this situation fall apart because of a lack of effort on my part. I have an ultimatum: I must see Carly before end of day Sunday. The more time I spend with her, the better I feel. The deeper we talk, the more I grow to admire her. She is living as a proud, independent woman, and I fully support that! That’s something I can look up to; a person with goals and dreams and a will to get there. Why wouldn’t I want to spend my time around that?

 

I hope that by adding me to her life, I will help make it more possible for her goals to become a reality (either directly or indirectly). That is my ultimate hope. I want her to stay a vibrant and independent woman, but also choose to have me around too. If things coalesce, then I will be happy. So that is what I am going to keep in my mind, and work towards with my actions.

Carly

It has been a while since I wrote directly about Carly. To be honest, my feelings in this area are a tad turbulent because of the unstable footing I find my self on. We are holding in a pattern of intimate friendship, but I feel like our bond is weakening even as my feelings for her grow stronger. I enjoy spending time with her, whether we are just chatting or if we are actually together. I know that, especially lately, her time is highly limited. I am doing the best I can to maintain a healthy interaction with her going forward but it has been hard.
I see the road we are on, but I don’t know where it leads. This has caused me to be nervous that I could just as easily be cut loose as I could be asked to stay on board. I have started reaching out to other women on Match, but my heart really isn’t in it. I still have feelings for Carly, but I don’t know if she will ever be ready to date me. I can’t put all my eggs in one basket. As a responsible adult, I mist keep my options open in case Carly finds someone she would rather try to date.
It’s an interesting time blog. I have a lot of feelings that would very much like a stable place to grow, but can’t be afforded one yet. I am not going to date anyone else while I am seeing Carly with an intimate component to out relationship. In my mind, I’m still dedicated to giving her the first shot. The opportunity to be my partner will run out eventually, and if no progress has been made, then I will disconnect from Carly physically and just try being her platonic friend. I can’t wait around forever, but I can hang on a long time.
I only hope I get the proper respect I deserve in this situation, as a proud man who deserves adoration and attention. I will not be happy until I have found that. Hopefully my ongoing enthusiasm for Carly and the life she and I could live together continues to grow and build strength. I want to try and make something with her, but I need her to be ready for that at some point. We will just have to wait and see.

Who

I often wonder if I am living a good enough life; as though I were being evaluated for my use of the gift of existence. Did I have a good life? Was I ever truly happy? 

I doubt myself based on my past, and this makes me think skeptically for the future. I don’t trust my life the way it is now. I feel like there’s one string somewhere out there, that when pulled, will unravel everything. It’s happened before so I can expect it will happen again. It’s not something I know will transpire, but fear will be my doom someday. I live forever in the shadow of that fear and there’s nothing I can do about it. 

In light of recent events, I wanted to take the time to speculate about my own life. This reality I have here, is it enough? Is there something I’m missing? When I look inwards, I see a man who can carry himself forward in the world but hasn’t come into that role fully. I’ve only had a few years of being stable to practice, but I am practicing. 

My life has become about harnessing the power I have within me to direct the course of where I am headed. I want a bright and promising future, and that’s exactly what I will try to make for myself. Is this all under my control? No it’s not, but I can push it forward as best I can, and hope events unfold in my favor. Sometimes the future is about chance. 

I’m feeling more isolated and alone than ever, and I need to get used to that feeling. I am all I can depend on in this life. I am very likely to end up alone going forward, or at least, be prepared to face things as though that were the case.

Self-reliance comes from a place of inner strength, one that I am still developing. Someday I want to be in full control of my independent self, and that is a goal I work towards every day. If you read this blog, surely you will see me fail and succeed at different points along the way. I have little doubt if that. My question remains, will you see me crumble, or get up off the floor and try again? 

Resting

I was off my feet today for the most part because, holy shit, I needed a break. Work, social and physical realms have all been costing a great deal of energy. It’s up to me to manage that better, but sometimes I just need a day to recover. I’m still with the bug so I’m back to a nearly liquid diet. My point being, the energy level is already low not to mention the side-effects of a restricted diet. So I’m taking this time to recharge my batteries and gather my strength for the week ahead. I will get past the bug in the next few days I believe and that should help. Mainly though, I want to just take it easy while also being responsible for my shit. Relaxation does not take ultimate priority. 

I watched science shows and did housework. I know, so fucking exciting!!!! I don’t need exciting right now I just need stable. Practicality affords me the strength to have a decent future because it keeps me from spending energy I can’t afford to. Sometimes I try to add too many things onto my life and I become crushed under the weight of it. I’ve been pretty good about not doing that lately though. Right now I feel pretty steady, but I recognize the difficulty involved at maintaining this level. It’s something I want to do because it is really hard. Hard things are great because I feel proud when I do them, and that builds me up inside. 

Pride is important because it’s real and no one can take it from me. I really did do all those great things over the years, and I believe they have made me a better man than I was. So too have my mistakes, but indirectly. I know life is difficult, but that’s the way it is. I intend to face it head-on. 

Tonight the confidence battery is also recharging. I’m pumping good thoughts through my brain and I’m headed to bed in the right frame of mind. I hope sleep takes you as peacefully as I will be.