Blog, this week is a toughie. I’m nearly half way there and feeling my energy fading away. I just found out today that they plan to give Amanda 20 treatments, not 12. 20? Fuck. I thought we were almost out of this phase to find out we’re not even 50% complete. Missing work taking Amanda to and from appointments is killing me. The stress of it is overwhelming.
I don’t have much to say. I’m struggling to hold it all together. I am trying to fulfill my responsibilities and also manage more responsibilities. I need a break, and I will get one after work tomorrow. You know, to have the bullets taken out of my pistol. Some relaxing break right?
Just get through tomorrow, and things will be easier. Try to rest peacefully.
I quit the ecig. Just got tired of it. Just to put things into perspective, that’s 3.6% nicotine, the strongest I can buy, cold turkey. Just put it in a drawer, closed it, and never thought once about taking it out for a hit. I’m done for now. This is how I get with tobacco products. I get all into it for a while, but then I get tired of it and drop it altogether for months or more, sometimes indefinitely. It’s been more than a year since I even wanted a cigarette. I’m fortunate to have the neurochemistry to handle that abrupt termination. Don’t know why, just always been that way.
I needed to vent some stress. I get crushed under it all sometimes. Cracked to collapsed. But I hope to push through regardless of circumstance or condition. I need to be strong right now, for Amanda, and for myself. This is a tough challenge… will I rise up to meet it?
I’m an ass sometimes. Or absurdly direct. I don’t mean to do any harm, but sometimes I do. I recognize that Amanda mah feel this way. It’s imperative that my observations not be viewed as a criticism, but a call to change. It’s not wrong to sit and do next to nothing, but it is not good mental health behavior. If we are both trying to get healthy and stable together, we should! I won’t leave her behind as I go forward in life. I love her, and I want to be with her alone.
I’m sorry if I was frustrated. I just had a lot of stored up stuff about this issue. I just want what’s best for her. She can have a beautiful life, but she has to be able to rise up to it. Right now, she’s shackled down in a hole somewhere far from the light. She deserves is to be up with the rest of us. Flying, free.
Anyway. It’s been a crazy week, and it’s not remotely over. Tomorrow will be a long day.
Here I am going from one pole to the other. Don’t get me wrong, because I am both this post and my last together.
Amanda has spent most of her time out of the hospital behaving the way a very depressed person would. She sits, does things on the computer, and little else. This last week I had a talk with her about what she’s doing with her time. My alarms went off when her world became one-dimensional, and her motivation to do much of anything at zero. I mean, if your partner was feeling good, but acting depressed, would you just let it go on that way? After two weeks she wasn’t able to see the problem, so I brought it to her attention. I need her to see it, acknowledge it, and find a way to break out of this rut. Things can’t go on this way, stagnating, making no mental progress. I won’t sit by when I know she feels good enough to be more proactive than she is.
I framed it like this: the thought processes are the thing that the ECT can’t give you a fresh start on. You have to start thinking differently to break out of those depressed processes. Her downward thoughts have dominated her life unchecked for years. She doesn’t have the perspective to see what’s wrong, but I do. And that’s all I wanted to do, to call attention to this pattern and vow to help her break it. I told her I would fight for her as long as she as the ability to push forward. If she gives up, she’ll eventually lose me.
I know she’s a beautiful woman, who’s creative and clever and soothing. She has SO MUCH to show this world, and right now, she can’t get out of her own head. I’m no therapist, but what is a partner if not a mirror? I can help her grow, and get out of this negative place.
It was hard, and my frustration boiled over a bit. But I just couldn’t take another day like that. I know she wants to live, she just needs help expanding her sphere. I want to be there to help her every step.
Stressful day. Deep and emotional conversation, feeling tired.
I was just reflecting on how fortunate I am to have such a resilient and consistent partner. In the past, my world has been turned upside down because of my partner. Outrageous fights, hiding in the bathroom while being yelled at, curling into a ball in fear and dodging projectiles are all things I have not had to do in a while. She’s strong, beautiful, mysterious and always has a way of bringing a smile to my face. To this day, I have yet to raise my voice in anger to her, nor has she yelled at me. From what I gather, this is a rare thing.
I am thankful for her. She has helped usher in a new era of stability and confidence the likes of which I have never seen or imagined. I have struggled so hard, and for so long, that stability was more like a distant wish. She has brought to me something I never thought I’d know. A full life.
My love for you Amanda is tied up in the secret that is your inner-self and the struggle you embark on every day. I love how you fight, and push to find answers that help bring your world into focus. I look at you with admiration and respect, for I have felt the burden you carry and it is great. I would not survive under its weight. But you can, and that, I applaud.
I want to be with you the rest of the way. I’m going to be by your side and have your back always, as this is what partners do for each other. We are in this together, and I won’t give up.
I love you.
Today was a day of distractions. I had real life wholly override work. Thankfully, we really just have 4 more appointments to go to. But also this week I have my vasectomy which will cause me to miss Friday as well. Plus I’m picking up and dropping off Tristan this week as Amanda can’t drive. We have him this week. So I’m feeling a tad overwhelmed. But this is what life is all about, one thing after another. You have to cope because that’s what it is to survive in the real world. If you get knocked down, get up.
I know this is going to clear up by mid next week, but it’s going to be crazy getting there. I get panicky just thinking about everything that still needs to happen. But then I take a deep breath, and slow it all down. Just get through tomorrow. Don’t think beyond what you can see. Stay in the box; the box is safe.
I’m hard on myself when I need to be helping myself out. I’m the only one I can truly count on, as long as it’s a united front. That’s the bitch about being mentally ill: how often are we united? Briefly, at best?
I had a fun chat with Will tonight. It was good to catch up. He helps me feel more real, less floaty. I was starting to get worked up but now I feel fine.
I’m going to go have a chat with Amanda and then go to bed.
I used to be a much more volatile person. I was very much subject to my impulses and initial responses. I also partnered myself up with incomplete people who couldn’t handle themselves, or me. Ever since I got out of the hospital three years ago, I have been relatively stable. Amanda brought an additional level of stability with her mellow and unphasing demeanor. My ENTIRE relationship, including marriage, with Jax did not last as long as Amanda and I have been together, and we have yet to fight. Frankly, I don’t think we will. We just talk to each other. Systematically laying out the facts, and interpreting together. It’s the most productively communicative relationship I have ever been in.
This morning, I left early for work, since I had to break my day to take Amanda to ECT. Amanda did not know this, and when she woke up early and found me gone, the anxiety wheel started spinning. She thought I had read something on her blog, become enraged, and stormed out to destination unknown. Things like this make me wonder if all my exes are somehow psychically connected, and the current girlfriend can use the collective knowledge of the others. Then she would have real reason to think I might do something like that. Which I have, when fights went thermonuclear and there was nothing left but to flee. But how did Amanda know to be afraid of that? I’ve never done it to her, so there’s no real history to corroborate. I’m not sure, but I was driving on the 8 when my phone rang at 4:30 am. It was Amanda and I thought: oh shit, something happened.
When I told her I was going to work early, all the spinny spinny came to a stop. She relaxed and felt ok again. Anxiety extinguished. Phew.
But I thought it was totally cute. Like I would just leave and not explain why? I love her, and I want to talk to her, not sleep in my truck like she thought I was.
We talked some more about our upcoming annerversary. Amanda wants a Celtic minister to deliver a Handfasting ceremony, which I think is a great idea. We are doing rings, whitnesses, everything but the legally binding status. I’m excited. I think showing each other just how committed we are is like encouraging something to grow. And then after that we can say we’re engaged. This whole thing makes me happy.
Goodnight. Week’s end is nearly upon us.
Amanda had treatment 6 today. She did good, and felt good after. One of the traumatic side effects of the ECT is damage to short-term memory. However, I have a plan. The damage done is not to the memories themselves, but the mind’s ability to bridge the gap between cognition and recollection. Every day, I ask her what she did today, and together, we figure out what happened from the moment I left until I got back. I ask her questions, and help her remember. The damage is not permanent, and we will work together to help her get her functionality back.
I did a mile on the elliptical. Never did it all at once before. I used to break it up into half mile sections spaced by an hour or so. But today I needed to step it up. I’m fucking tired of my fatatude. I wish for it to be burned away, and so I will grind all that weight off on that machine. That, and a healthy diet, and I will lose it.
Work has been good. I keep myself busy. My schedule is ideal. I couldn’t ask for more.
I tried a sativa this time. I think I will stick with it as long as my anxiety continues to be high. I’m also enacting boundaries. There will be regulation. For once. And I think I will be much happier this way.