In response to my request to say goodbye to my ex before I move north: She doesn’t want to see me. She has great contempt as well. I am to never contact her again. Ever. Ever.
Seems pretty final.
Not the way I had hoped things would go. Considering how much I have managed to change and grow over the years, I was hoping the same would be true of her. One of the really valuable things I came to learn is that what I carry with me can either propel me forward, or hold me back. Resentment, anger over past mistreatment, hatred… these are such crushingly negative emotional burdens. The worst part about it, is that nothing from the past will ever change. What was at first glance outrageous continues to be so long after the events are passed. I call these types of people “past-lookers.” Despite the passage of time, they remain anchored to a moment in the past that causes anguish or preoccupation in present times. Amanda was a product of this mentality, and she always wished she was back in high school or earlier in life, when she was younger, when life felt really good. Jax seems to be much the same sort, unable to release herself from the burdens of admitted and unaccepted atrocities. I’ve done and seen some pretty fucked up things, and boy oh boy do I have a lot I wish I could do over again. Living in that regret does nothing to help me now. Wishing I was back in a time when things were good is basically the same thing. Nothing that was will be again.
So Jax still hates me, which I had hoped wasn’t the case. But now at least I don’t have any lingering questions in my mind. Since “[She] only hold[s] contempt for [me], what [I] did and how I treated [her],” it is clear to me that things haven’t changed or grown. All of this is actually great fodder for my ongoing independent status. Jax isn’t right though. I’m not who she thinks I am. I think I became that in her mind, because that allows her to live life despite the truly treacherous things she’s done. Hateful things that I had long ago released myself of concern for. It’s a terrible weight, carrying around that badness. It’s like trying to fly away with your feet stuck in the mud. Going forward is all the more difficult when you can’t release the burdens of the past.
I’m a fucked up guy Blog, but I am not as irreconcilably awful as this woman thinks I am. I have so much more pride in myself than I did then, with her. Since that time, I have grown into someone I can feel good about being, doing a job that returns me to worth. I can feel proud of myself, without blaming anyone but me for my problems. Not very many people choose to do that, because it’s easier to demonize, assign blame, and emerge unscathed. I have taken my lashes, and I wear the scars proudly.
Maybe someday I will meet a “forward-looker” and together we might talk about possibilities instead of regrets. We only have so much time here in the world. I’m not going to spend it regretting. Let’s make a new adventure, shall we? See how fucking eloquent I am? I’m not wasting my time on Jax anymore, these mad skills belong with someone worthy of them.