Back To Basics

That is my new mantra. I will get back to the core of who I am, and what I represent. Like fuzz, animal noises and talking to myself (among other less impractical things). I find I make some pretty insightful commentary, regardless of the subject matter. My point being, this new mantra encapsulates what I’m trying to do both cognitively and physically. 

I started today by resisting temptation and having a good dinner. I’m retiring early hoping to be lulled by the sound of fling rain. Turns out, I got my wish, and a little cell just opened up overhead and it poured for a few blissful minutes. I even stopped blogging to listen. After I continue to resist temptation, I intend to start my exercise again and incrementally increase the difficulty. As time goes on, and I can hold true to a good diet, I should see results. I expect I weigh 225 right now, and my goal is thirty pounds lower. I believe I can do that with diet and exercise alone. 

I really kinda just barfed it all out there with my last post. At the same time, I needed to express it again since there should be no misinterpretation of my actions, by myself or anyone else who may have read.  I am accountable and very open in my processes. This is how I express and understand thoughts and feelings. It’s not interesting material, but it is real and 100% my life. A life I am proud of and won’t be taken for granted in. I have so much to offer, and still a lot to learn. So if my trials and tribulations prove worthy reading, thanks I guess. My process is not a secret, it is a model for success. 

I had a great time gaming this evening. Just getting back to me. It feels really good blog, like I’m on to something positive. I hope to follow this feeling in the days to come, and see where it takes me. 

Open Letter to the Woman I Love(d)

Dear Amanda, 

I believe we were headed to the point of collapse for a while, but your insistence in making bad choices resulted in my withdrawal from our relationship that occurred a few days ago. I have struggled to provide you with keen insight, motivation and endless caring through your deterioration, but in the end, my words couldn’t help you as you were unwilling to hear them. You chose to surround your frail existence with violently unstable elements, and this I would not stand for. I was fully invested in our future, with the hope that you would step up and fight for your life and get what you deserve. Instead, you were willing to just let things happen to you, rather than take charge of your situation. I can’t abide the attitude of non-involvement when your entire livelihood and future depend on your action (or lack thereof). I endevoured to instill some fight in you, and I believe I largely failed. 

I was able to rebuild my life after losing my apartment, relationship and mental health back in 2013, and I did so with the help of my family, and the willpower in my heart to get back my independent life. I pushed myself to rebuild, starting at first with my mental health, and progressing to a job and a place to live. It wasn’t impossible, but it was very hard. I had to want it badly enough to where making those logistical steps became a reality. If I can do this, so to could you have. I was hindered by my illness the whole way; anxiety and depression were at every turn. But I never gave in, and I never stopped pushing for the life I wanted to live.

Amanda, you can’t honestly tell me you are trying your hardest. I know you are not, and it’s clear based on your actions that you have energy, you just choose to spend it in the wrong places. You don’t have the spark of initiative; you’re not thinking of solutions, only complaining about problems. Your life is mired in a state of being the victim of outside action, which is a powerless and uninspiring place to be. In that way you must feel resigned to your fate, because of your own lack of action and your attitude in stagnation. Nothing is getting any better with you just sitting there. Life is won through effort. What gets dealt to you is never the best you can get, because the best is EARNED. 

This letter would fall on deaf ears if allowed to be read by her, but that’s not why I write. I write to drmonstrate to myself that I did not walk away from Amanda’s life before she did. I was right there even after she had surrendered herself to her poor choices. I tried everything I could to help her, including the consequence of me leaving for good. That didn’t make a difference, as indicated by the state of things today. She would much rather live an easy, no effort life than be pestered by me and my insistence she take control. Now no one is “nagging” her anymore to solve her problems so she is free to be the victim of them. There is nothing at all I respect about that. 

Amanda, you had your chance, and you passed it up. I was willing to fight tooth-and-nail for you, if only you could have demonstrated you were serious about your life. Instead, your life owned you, kicked you to the curb, and left you for dead all while you did next to nothing to stop it. You are content knowing you are going to lose everything and be homeless. I can’t support you if you are going to let those things happen to you. You quit on your life, and forced me to do the same. 

I hope that you are able to rebuild your life some day and be a fully functional and effective person again. You are such a gifted artist, and beautiful too, but your attitude and personality that fosters it make you wholly unappealing. If you could discover a reason to fight for your life again, maybe we could rediscover the future we once had together. There is still a chance for you and I to have a life like we wanted, but only if you own your reality and stop letting it own you. 

For now, I will never forget you, and never let go of the love I had for who you are, and who I thought you were going to be. I treasure your time, and the time I got with your son. I grew to love you both, and that has been taken away from me. It doesn’t have to be this way, but it seems like it is going to be no matter what I wish for. I will hold my heart open in case one day, she comes back. 

Almost There

I feel like the logical mind has prevailed in my situation. The world is going forward in a new way, regardless of my feelings about it. I have come to a point of swallowing my pain over this and moving on. I feel like I’m headed out of a bad place, and on to a warm blanket of self-compsssion. I really know I tried to make the best out of my relationship, despite its shortcomings. I have no guilt over not giving my all for her. I can’t say she came even close to demonstrating the same courtesy. There were lots of warning signs, but damnit, I wanted to be loved. I needed someone. 

Right now, even if I got a hit on Match, I don’t think I would pursue anything more than a talking buddy. I’m not going to get involved before knowing really deeply, who she is. I must have my standards met. I must have an equal, or no dice. The chances of finding said person are next to zero. There’s no way anyone as brilliant and intuitive as that would want anything to do with me, and my bipolar disorder, and my divorces. I’m damaged goods, which is why I was willing to stick it out with Amanda. She would have me. But then the relationship became too disrupted and sporadic. All signs pointed to termination. 

I’m getting used to being alone at home. I have a nice place, perfect for me, and I do feel at peace here. I’ve been playing Edain and coming up with new strategies. I’m going to be just fine. Things are getting better every day. 

Gone

It’s the end of my evening. I spent it alone crying and remembering things I’ve lost, and the emptiness of solitude. There’s no one to talk to except you blog. You always listen, even when I’m psychotic. This place has been my mental health coping mechanism since 2012. It has seen me at my highs, and lows, so this moment is no different than others like it I have had. This blog chronicles my failures, and triumphs. Tonight though, it is listening to me be sad about Amanda. I’m reflecting, and I seemed to only make her life more miserable the longer we were together. Her depression got worse, treatments got more severe, and the good things we had in the beginning of our relationship were lost as conditions deteriorated. I have no regrets as I supported her every step of the way. I supported her after countless costly mistakes further compromised her position. I know in my heart I put everything on the line to try and save her, but she wouldn’t hear me. She chose her path away from where the rest of us are headed. Maybe she did associate me with getting more ill. I don’t honestly know how I made her more depressed… like by showering her in love you mean? I think that I couldn’t get through to her because she won’t listen to anybody else tell her what to do. I just regret compromising my scruples to have someone to love again. I should have held firm to my values and standards. I wouldn’t be disappointed now if I had. So, mistakes are learned from. 

I think about the great expanse of solitary life that lies ahead of me. Will I be able to cope? Will I falter? Will I compromise yet again? My mind is churning over things that remain to be seen. Outcomes. Meh. Everything is so unpredictable, you can’t really have expectations. I don’t hope for anything anymore. It’s too painful to be let down after risking so much. I’m tired of feeling heartbroken. I’m resolved to depend on only myself and leave my expectations at home. 

It’s not going to stop me from crying about it though. Resolutions are great, but I’m alone and very sad… there’s no resolution that is going to help me feel normal right now. In the real world, there are consequences for your actions. End a relationship, feel a great deal of pain. Boom. So I’m well prepared to go on this sad journey through my wonderful memories of Amanda. I have many recollections of good times with her son, rememberances of fun nights and long conversations where she really seemed to want to get to know me. Like I said, I don’t regret my relationship, it had many beautiful moments. 

I’m full of contrasts tonight. It’s taking its toll. 

Spun Until Drippy

Score: +1.5
It’s cold in my apartment since all these storms started rolling in. I’m working on a remedy as I write this. I will probably have heat by tonight, which will make my evenings much more enjoyable. I’m huddled up on my couch with almost no exposed skin and multiple layers. It’s cold. 

But I’m listening to music… this is how I work okay blog? Music has tremendous emotional power. Tremendous. I can be pumped-up or brought to tears from one track to the next. I had several songs of significance in reference to my relationship with Amanda. Those songs all foreshadowed what was happening between us, as was the case when I went through the end with Jax. “Cowboys and Angels” was just one good example. “More Than Words” touched on a thread of contention in our physical relationship. I was here sobbing my way through the lyrics, missing her touch, her smell. It was all being ripped away by my logical mind. But my logical mind has the moral high ground on this one. Theres no victory to be had for sorrow. 

More music, this time “Lovesong” by The Cure. Wow. It’s spot on. It’s a promise I couldn’t keep. I will always love her, I just can’t help her anymore. It is a crushing weight on me every minute since I had to turn my back on her. I feel insanely horrible about it, but it would have meant I would have to change something fundamental about myself and perception of what is right and wrong in order to continue helping her. She walked somewhere I was not willing to follow, so I had to let her go. I miss her. She was a good friend to me for two years. I wanted that life with her. I’m sad she didn’t. Ok I probably shouldn’t blog and cry at the same time. 

Smashed

“Cowboys and Angels” came on, a song that strongly resembles the dynamic between Amanda and I while we were together. It reminds me acutely of how broken she is. I abandoned her to her own fate. I gave up on her. I’m really the quitter here, aren’t I? Who am I? I don’t want to live on a delusion. I know what I did was the only thing left for me to do. But I feel sick about her alone in the world. She’s in the world somewhere, and I’m not looking out for her anymore. I cried and cried here in front of my laptop as the song made me think of how she was as gone, just like I knew she would be someday. 

Thirty minutes later and I’m crying again. I really wanted to be with the girl I would spend my life with. I wanted to be a role model for her son. I wanted to come home to her smile every day. Now I will probably never see her again. That thought is a dagger in my chest. It cripples me with sadness contemplating her absence from my life. I’m having a hard time logicking my way through this tsunami of sadness. Now I have no one. Now I am not loved by anyone outside of my family. It’s depressing. 

Steady Improvement

Well it has been a cold, rainy morning and I’ve heard “Clocks” twice in the last three hours, so I know the universe is trying to fuck with me. A day when everything is pushing me towards sadness, I am finding I don’t feel acutely sad. I’m not crushed over this relationship dying. I was when Jax cheated on me, because it largely took me by surprise. This time, I had been contemplating the possibility that my relationship would be ending soon for some time, as warning signs were becoming apparent. I don’t feel guilt or regret, because I know in my heart I tried to do right by her, and get her pointed in a more successful direction (since I believe she deserves to thrive). In the end, she didn’t take my advice and went her own way, which I made clear was not a way I was going to follow her down. She made lots of bad choices and never learned from any of them. She just went forward making more poor choices despite my warnings. I can be a stalwart ally, and she advocate for positive decisions, but only if my partner is willing to invest in fighting up from the bottom (if that’s where we happen to be). I admire people why push back against circumstance. I respect people who don’t give up. I cherish the quality in people that makes them strive for something better. Amanda had none of these. She was willing to take what was dealt and do nothing to improve her lot significantly. She did try, but not enough to earn her life back. Now everything is being taken away from her, and it’s too late to save any of it. I’m sad for her, but she’s not my problem anymore. I don’t have to keep trying to rescue her from her situation. I wasn’t very effective anyway. 

Well blog, I’m coming to a bit of a turning point. I do still really miss her love and conversation, but there’s too much negative now to overcome. I can’t balance things anymore. Now that the equilibrium is gone, I have started to transition on. I am beginning to feel confident, and even started up my page on Match.com again. I’d be willing to go back to that well, though I’m not putting much time into it. It’s more of a personal statement to myself that I have moved on. I am purging my Amanda thoughts and starting my journey into independence. I will undoubtedly meet people along the way, but the priority is still me. 

Well we have no internet here at work so things are stalled. I’m thinking about my life. Introspective time.