Crushed Into Dust

Score: +2

I’m moving in with my parents (by their insistence) Friday. Smash.  The plan is, to save money while I look for a place to live on my own. Then I am to re establish myself while not losing my relationship (hopefully). Amanda needs this time too, in an attempt to try and find her own independence and self-reliance. Overall, I’m shaken by the trauma this will bring to my life. I don’t know what to expect from the future in a way that frightens me. Usually I have a path that I am following, but now, my road is fraught with peril. I will have to remain strong through this time. 

I’m scared my relationship will die in this process, but that won’t be because I give up on her. I won’t. I will stay committed to her throughout this trial. Hopefully we come out the other side of this more resillient than before. I don’t know what’s going to happen though. 

Amanda is going to force herself to go back to work. She hates it there, and gets sick not long after she returns from absence. Usually within a few weeks. She wants to work part-time to avoid said burnout. Again, a lot is up in the air. She would need to continue to push for disability but try to make as much money as possible leading up to that. I want her to be able to be at home, creating, pondering life, and making new memories into a future full of hope. Disability could grant her that. It could set her free, and finally allow her to heal. But much remains unwritten. 

So there you have it. Total life shake-up. Road uncertain. Trudging forward. Sigh. Gasp. 

Our Shattered Life

Score: +2

Well blog, it has all come to a crashing halt. Amanda is dedicated to pursuing disability long-term and we will lose our apartment in the process as we can’t afford to live here on my income for the time it takes disability to kick in. It’s a terrible day, both shocking and bewildering. I have been given direction to take cover someplace else while the shitstorm ensues. We are not breaking up, mind you, but our lives will never be as they once were. It’s not like she has a choice. She’s catatonically depressed, immobilized, sobbing uncontrollably, and buried in a mountain of debt. She’s putting the only life jacket on me while the ship of our life slips beneath the waves. 

I must now find a way to forge ahead. I need a place to live, and I am working on that now. I will also need to budget like I never budgeted before. My life will become constricted, needless to say. I’m hopeful that if I do my job, I can save money and, eventually, find a place to live with Amanda again where we can both be stable. Her disability would need to be in effect, and that process can take a very long time. She has a little money that she can survive on, so that should keep her going through the next few months. I will be helping her however I can going forward, but this is largely on her to figure out. 

I’m scared that this forced distance will put a strain on our relationship. I’m still very much in love with her, and reluctantly accepted this path we are on. I want to be with her, not away from her. Things are all jumbled up right now. These next few months will be hard. The cats are going to go apeshit with me gone. 

The promise of a much better life is still out there. If all the pieces fall into place, we can have a beautiful future together. I wish for that more than anything. I will do everything I can to get us there, within my power. But this is Amanda’s time. She has to be the one to get this life moving forward. Without her motivation, everything will collapse and we will be ruined. I’m confident that she not only fights for our relationship, but also providing a healthy role model for her son. She has temporarily given full custody to her ex husband, that being said. She doesn’t want it to stay that way, but also realizes that she is but a shadow of a parent to him right now. She doesn’t want her son to remember his mom as an introvert locked in an internal struggle with little time for anything else. It was a tough call, but the right one. 

So blog, things are a tad crazy right now. Where I am headed is an utter mystery, at least, as of today. Things will resolve as time goes forward. Plans don’t form instantly and take time to complete. Right now, we are in the initial realization stages. The problem has only been recently identified. There is a long way to go. Hopefully, every forthcoming day brings us one step closer to being where we want to be. But I am scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen anymore. The uncertainty and risk are overwhelming. I must be brave, and confident. I have only myself to think about now, as I bob helplessly on the open sea, hoping for rescue. 

Angst & Woe

Score: +2

It’s been tough this week, but I am slogging through. My boss has been particularly understanding of my anxiety and has helped me get to this point: being mostly functional. 

Amanda and I are transitioning. She has decided to go on permanent disability, which I am very much in favor of. I’m nevertheless concerned that we will be hard-pressed to survive given our new potential budget. She is thinking we will move out of the apartment and into a mobile home park to save on rent/mortgage. How we are going to survive up to that point, and what resources we will have when we get there remains unclear. We have some ideas about what needs to happen, but as of yet, there is no secure path to the future we want. Everything is hinging on when disability will kick in. Too late, and we will be fucked. Royaly. 

I’m scared. I want things to work out and for us to land in a safe space for the long term. I’m just not sure how that is going to happen right now. I’m trying to be supportive, but my anxiety is getting the better of me. She is picking up on that and becoming distant. It reminds her of her mother. We had a rather frank discussion about her isolation today. I wasn’t very sure that she cared for me or for our relationship anymore, which should give you an indication of how distant things have become. I know that she’s going through s very tough trial right now, and that has a lot to do with her introverted state. I was getting anxious that she had grown tired of me, but that is not the case. Our discussion was good, and resolved a lot of my worry. 

I’m still holding on to hope that this will all work out and we will be together and happy again in a future that is stable and safe. It was a huge step forward that Amanda started the disability process… now I can only hope there are not extensive delays before she is accepted. I just want things to be ok again. 

I’m trying to be supportive, but I’m scared too. I’m the man and I need to buckle up and stand firm. I can’t destabilize right now. I am strong. I can be a pillar of strength. I have it within me. I just need to grab a hold of it. Now. 

Superzippy With Boo

Score: +3

This is not a good thing. The last two days, my anxiety has been running at system-critical high levels. Amanda and I have been discussing possible triggers, but almost everything falls into that category. On football Sunday, I was out of my mind. I did 1.5 miles on the elliptical and took two warm sit-down showers… nothing. No reduction of symptoms. And things that continue to trigger me are relics from the past that have no implication now. Such as things that might have made me anxious years ago, situations at old jobs, awkward interactions, but why are they relevant now? I can literally feel my blood pressure spiking, and my breathing constricted. It’s not ideal. 

Work was fine today. Had my fingers in many pies. I’m feeling increasingly confident there. New round of evaluations coming up so that will be keeping me occupied for a while. 

Amanda had ECT this morning and the doctor prescribed her a stimulant to help her with her energy and clarity of thought. I’m hopeful it will benefit her, and we will just have to wait and see over the next few days. My mom has been helping out bigtime with getting her to The hospital and back. Oh, and I will be 33 on Sunday. We’re supposed to have dinner at my parent’s place: I requested Jesus Christ alpha and omega burgers with bacon and guacamole. Phe-nom-i-nal. Needless to say. 

I went 2-0 again this weekend even when I was sure I would lose the more important of the two games. Dropped my cousin last week and she was in the championship with me last year, and dropped the guy who beat me in the championship the year before this week. Vengeance is a dish best served on a gridiron. So both my teams are 3-1, with a very uncertain future ahead. I’m scrambling for waiver wire moves this week as injuries have become a problem. 

Well, I’m going to bed. Still have a very fast moving carousel in my mind, which I know will be better tomorrow. Goodnight. 


Score: +3.5

I was in a rut a few days ago, but I got back to introspection and things are going better now. The heat and humidity has caused a slight divergence from my regular pattern of exercise, but I will be regular with it again soon. I’m still not smoking and not even thinking about it much. I think I like who I am now, without all the haze. 

Work has been good, and much less stressful than the week before. So I’m happier with that being the case. Amanda and I have also been having some really good conversations lately. Some deep shit; contemplative subjects. Our relationship is strong and balanced at this time, even though Amanda will still be in treatment for most of this month. She started to relapse and told the doctor. He prescribed another medication and more ECT. I do believe the treatment is working overall. 

I have done three Blue Apron dinners since I am cooking-disabled and have very little skills in this area. But they bring you all the untreated components to three meals and it’s up to you to prepare it properly. Personally, I had a great time making these unique dishes. It was hard work, but a lot of fun and very nutritious. I’m going to keep paying for it for the foreseeable future as I think it’s fucking awesome. Not cheap, but now that I’m not buying weed, very doable. 

Tomorrow is NFL Sunday starting at 6:30 am pacific time with a London game. Football from sunup to nightfall. I love days like that. It’s even better if my fantasy teams win but I think this weekend will be a split. But who knows. 

There were some disturbing signs that the San Andreas fault is starting to buckle. Hundreds of earthquakes began swarming under the Salton Sea a few days ago, at the plate boundary. I’m concerned because things will become intolerably bad here when it hits. No water, no power, no functioning. My plan is to leave town if it goes on too long with no power. I’ll head for Arizona. Most likely. I haven’t given it much thought. But I guess I should have a better plan. 

Have a good weekend blog. 

I’m A Jerkus

Score: +1.5

It’s true, and I know it. But at least I managed to catch myself in the act of being a jerk and correct it. I snapped at Amanda about something she posted on her blog, and I really had no right to do so. I’m a little wound up right now and having a tough go of what was supposed to be a better week for me. In truth, I have not felt great at all so far, and my sleep patterns are all fucked up. It’s going to be hard to push through the rest of the way with a smile. 

I did get to see old high school friend Angi today, and we basically just went through all the trials of the last year. It was tough going over all the really terrible things that have happened, but I think I was resolved to rise up in the face of said obstacles and overcome. I must move forward, I must endure. Yeah life is a motherfucker sometimes, but that’s just the way it is. Like it or not. 

Amanda and I had a great talk when we came home. I feel much more resolved and complete at this juncture. Being home for the evening is very nice. I’m full of food, well conversed, and feeling everything winding down. Tonight I will rest soundly, and wake up at a decent time, I hope. 

Goodnight, and may better days lie ahead. 


Score: +2.5

Coming back from a busy weekend can be hard, especially when I’m stressing about fantasy football (in this instance, anyway). I needed some time to diffuse from both the boss visit and the boy, and I didn’t really get it. I know at times like this I need to prove to myself I can handle my workload and not crack, but I did bend. I took my work home with me today, and that was sort of a compromise. I was still productive, but I got the chance to be in a better environment. I got some sagely advice on how to compose myself as well. Signs are pointing up. 

I am at a loss for complex thoughts today blog. I feel jumbled up. Lost. In transition with no clear objective. I do believe this is temporary. I got back to my discipline today after letting it go all weekend and most of last week. I knew I couldn’t handle doing everything I wanted to do, so instead of push myself and burn out, I incrementalized my energy. Worked out ok. 

Amanda has been going through some things. Her moods have been running on high-octane anxiety and obsession, which I am largely unable to do anything about. I try to help, but I feel useless. We have good talks, but there is still some interference in our communications. I’m not sure what to call it. Sometimes, were just disconnected. This is me being overly-analytic. We are just two people who are different and we do the b st we can. Our relationship got started because of how we communicate to each other. We are very good, but there’s always the issue of time and trust. Once I’ve been a fixture for a while, I think we will blend even better than we already do. 

I hope this week works out better than last. I felt good, but the exhaustion was out of control. I need less toxic stress. 

Mellow. Breathe. Shhhhhhh.