I’m A Jerkus

Score: +1.5

It’s true, and I know it. But at least I managed to catch myself in the act of being a jerk and correct it. I snapped at Amanda about something she posted on her blog, and I really had no right to do so. I’m a little wound up right now and having a tough go of what was supposed to be a better week for me. In truth, I have not felt great at all so far, and my sleep patterns are all fucked up. It’s going to be hard to push through the rest of the way with a smile. 

I did get to see old high school friend Angi today, and we basically just went through all the trials of the last year. It was tough going over all the really terrible things that have happened, but I think I was resolved to rise up in the face of said obstacles and overcome. I must move forward, I must endure. Yeah life is a motherfucker sometimes, but that’s just the way it is. Like it or not. 

Amanda and I had a great talk when we came home. I feel much more resolved and complete at this juncture. Being home for the evening is very nice. I’m full of food, well conversed, and feeling everything winding down. Tonight I will rest soundly, and wake up at a decent time, I hope. 

Goodnight, and may better days lie ahead. 

Returning

Score: +2.5

Coming back from a busy weekend can be hard, especially when I’m stressing about fantasy football (in this instance, anyway). I needed some time to diffuse from both the boss visit and the boy, and I didn’t really get it. I know at times like this I need to prove to myself I can handle my workload and not crack, but I did bend. I took my work home with me today, and that was sort of a compromise. I was still productive, but I got the chance to be in a better environment. I got some sagely advice on how to compose myself as well. Signs are pointing up. 

I am at a loss for complex thoughts today blog. I feel jumbled up. Lost. In transition with no clear objective. I do believe this is temporary. I got back to my discipline today after letting it go all weekend and most of last week. I knew I couldn’t handle doing everything I wanted to do, so instead of push myself and burn out, I incrementalized my energy. Worked out ok. 

Amanda has been going through some things. Her moods have been running on high-octane anxiety and obsession, which I am largely unable to do anything about. I try to help, but I feel useless. We have good talks, but there is still some interference in our communications. I’m not sure what to call it. Sometimes, were just disconnected. This is me being overly-analytic. We are just two people who are different and we do the b st we can. Our relationship got started because of how we communicate to each other. We are very good, but there’s always the issue of time and trust. Once I’ve been a fixture for a while, I think we will blend even better than we already do. 

I hope this week works out better than last. I felt good, but the exhaustion was out of control. I need less toxic stress. 

Mellow. Breathe. Shhhhhhh. 

Summary: Week 3

So I felt it noteworthy to say something considering I may just win both games this week. One is still undecided because my opponent has three Falcons going (Sanu, Ryan, Freeman) but needs 70+ points to reclaim the lead. This week Minnesota’s DEF/ST came up big in the work league, along with waiver add Charles Sims putting up big numbers. DeAngelo Williams disappointed against a tough Philadelphia defense. Chargers gacked away another W, but Melvin Gordon did well for me. Stefon Diggs finally had a down game, of course, when I put him in my lineup. 

I spent some time watching the games at my Uncle’s house, while my sister’s bridal shower took place. I was regularly monitoring the scores, and it felt like a solid day of entertainment and fun. This weekend has been pretty good. I feel good going into this less-stressful week. 

I hope my lead holds and I can celebrate my first 2-0 week of the season. 

Grind

Smashed on a white-hot-press,

Busted bean endures the stress,

Tempered in a twirling fray, 

Beat to dust, but not gone away. 

Poured over a blistering blaze, 
Mixed, churned in a blurry daze. 

Steaming up with coiled heat,

Waiting to steep–a morning treat. 

Liquid rich and pouring down, 
The goblet rich with brewed renown,

Who’s bite and sigh is worth the wait, 

Old is the cause to anticipate,

Every moment a new delight,

But it might just keep you up all night. 

Cruelty

Score: +1

Withdrawing from extreme cannabis use has its consequences, namely, turning my mood permanently sour for a few days. That, coupled with the unbelievable stress load at work has turned today into a mess. My temper is on a short fuse. I am infuriated by even the most trivial slights. The world is a flaming, shit-soaked motherfucker headed straight for me. 

This explains my tirade against the former friend who tried to slip one past me in fantasy football 2015. More to the point, he did fool me, until the season was long over. He bailed out of this year’s league and has been ignoring my emails. So I got pissed. Called him out with rage and ire, some deserved, but mostly inflated by my symptoms. I even unfriended him and his wife on Facebook. I was pissed. I still kinda am, but more reflective now than upset. But either way, it was clearly a withdrawal fueled rant and I’m sorry for that. 

Now that today is almost over, I’m starting to settle down. I have given myself this time to be introspective and see if I can rationalize some thoughts. Especially those that trigger my frustration. I know that this week has been super tough with my boss and her boss (see: supreme boss of all bosses) flying in from out of town. The microscope is right above my head at all times… scrutinizing. It’s a high-pressure state to exist in, and I do not do well in that environment. At all. 

We have Tristan this week, and he was being his usual exuberant self. He doesn’t listen to much, and that can get frustrating. But he’s 6, and as Amanda has said again and again,this is to be expected. I’m having good chats with him though in the mornings when I would drop him off at school. His dad thinks I’m a fucking psycho, and in large part because Amanda detailed my suicide attempts to him without asking me if that was ok. So it created a shitload of drama, and he threatened action to take Tristan away because I “[was] not safe for Tristan to be around,” but in the end,it washed over and beyond us. Now things have returned to some semblance of normal. 

I just want to start next week off on the right foot. I need rest, clean clothes and silence. I need to not be spinning around on the thought carousel at 600 miles an hour. Looking back, at least I know now that I fundamentally lose my shit when the stress level gets too high. Also, I’m withdrawing, so there’s that piling on making it worse. I do believe that I should be good to go come tomorrow. No work, no aggravating instigators, just happy family time. I’m looking forward to that immensely. The tribe and I are going to a water park tomorrow. Fun fun!

I hope your week was less smothering more liberating than mine. I intend to rest long and soundly until chirpy birdy friends wake me up. If only… 

Cheaters

Tonight I wish to retell the tale of 2015’s fantasy football season. In the league that I ran, I invited a friend from a previous job to come play with some friends from my current job. Draft time was getting closer, and I was still 1 manager short to complete the league. My friend Ian from my old job said he knew a guy who would play, and so the final invite was sent out and the league completed. 

As the season went on, it became apparent that the new guy was derelict. Not what I was hoping for, needless to say. However, he did do 1 thing all year, he made a huge blockbuster trade to Ian for some priceless talent in exchange for injured talent. Ian then antagonized me by claiming the key to his success was picking up people I cut off my roster, which was partially true. But also true for everyone else. 

His team and my team made it to the championship, and I soundly defeated him. When I look back, it became clear to me that there was no new guy, it was just Ian managing 2 teams so he could harvest the talent from two rosters and make one mighty mega team. This plan failed miserably, and the evidence speaks for itself: no waiver for the new guy, 0-15 record, never changed lineups, no messages or chats, one trade with Ian. Odd? I agree. Ian tried to cheat his way to a championship and it backfired. Good triumphed over stupidity and my victory was all the more tasty because of it. 

Moral is, if your going to cheat, win… don’t humiliate yourself in the attempt to do so. Now he has nothing to show for his cheating, and is left with only shame. 

Or, you could not be a loser and play fair and earn your victories. Morality much? But then again, he is a Patriots fan. Nuff said. 

Now this year I invited Ian back. He declined for some bullshit reason. Can’t play for real with the big boys? Too chicken shit? I figured. 

Well, at least I know what it feels like to be a champion. Even if I never get to again. I made it. He didn’t. Ha fucking ha. 

BigtimeĀ 

Score: +4.5

My boss from Austin, TX came in today, along with the mega boss of all bosses, the head of the entire customer support department. Gasp!

Today, I was truly a part of the management team. I was in meetings nearly all day, trading observations for feedback. I’ve never been in the closed-door room before; it was both humbling and exhilarating. I really did feel like I was a part of the team that will decide how we do business going forward, and I know my contributions made a difference. 

I feel uplifted and suddenly very relevant. My hard work has indeed paid off. 

But also, my personal life is going very well. Amanda has really done a lot of expanding her social sphere. She joined a mental health forum as well as several other sites and groups. She even found someone local. It has been a largely rewarding experience. However, there was one user who attached himself to Amanda right from the get go on the message board. He almost reminds me of a significantly more desperate me of, say, five years ago. But he’s taken it to the next level. His incessant pleas for intimacy got so bad it actually drove Amanda off the forum altogether. Also, let me be clear, she explicitly expressed her relationship status and intentions as committed and benign. Nevertheless, he’s telling her how she lights up his life, she makes him smile and other such inconsiderately applied fondnesses. I get how people who are really depressed can be like this, but being unwilling to listen after being deterred is a conscious choice, not a symptom. I pity him, but vaguely understand. My relationship with Jax started in a slightly similar fashion; born of depression and loneliness. So there’s your evidence that relationships forged from the fires of sadness rarely, if ever, work out. 

I’m doing much better managing my boundaries lately. I’ve found it easier the further I get from the time when I was not disciplined. Each day, the fog clears a bit. I feel confident in my direction going forward. I know it’s working; it has already made a significant difference. Genuinely, I’m glad I did this to myself. I have garnered success and confidence. 

Well, I still owe myself a mile on the elliptical. And then, to bed. Unlike most of you weirdos, I can drink coffee and exercise AND still hit my bedtime right on the button. So goodnight for now; more to come from the inner-circle tomorrow.