I get back from therapy and I feel tired in my brain. Robert challenges me to use my logical mind to “unpack” the totally bullshit things I say. Then he makes me look at it, and prove to myself that in there was some sort of positive message or lesson. Some introspective moment of self-realization. I sound like an ass. I AM an ass. Robert is great, I’m a fucking idiot.

I’m mad at Uncle Phil. He’s being a shit head in the Li’l Y Memorial Fantasy Football League. I’m not going to let his insanity ruin my fun, damnit. But it has my attention, and I keep fucking talking about it…

I had to go back into relationship stuff again. Fuck, was that ever a BLAST to talk about. Look, come see how I ruined a marriage (albeit, a shitty one), married a bitch, tried to kill myself, got divorced, accrued tens of thousands in debt… and that’s just the fucking first half of the cookie we just got into.

I really despise myself. I’m such a fucking loser. I’ve ruined so many lives. I’ve wasted nearly all the years of life. I have little chance of making enough right to undo the colossal wrong I have done. I deserve to be reminded of how I’ve fucked this up. I’m trying not to repeat said action, so I can have a better life. Or something.

Robert wants me to appreciate my small, incremental steps toward positive short-term goals. That makes sense. Logically. I don’t like to give myself praise, EVER. In fact, I never do it. NEVER. Big fucking waste of time. Oh? You need a pat on the back? Tough shit pork-chop. The real world just dick-slapped you in the fucking face and now everyone is laughing at you because you are a sorry sack of shit. How does it feel now?

I’d rather be aware of my flaws, than in denial. I guess. Great path I’ve decided to walk down, totally alone and surrounded by sadness and rage. See you later.

Pwned U

So, for the last 5 weeks, I have enjoyed wins in both the Bailey Friends ‘n Family league, as well as Li’l Y Memorial. 5 weeks, 5 straight wins. Went from worst, to first in the Bailey league. I own the top seed in the Li’l Y league, and have for the last 5 weeks. Jessica must fucking hate me for leaving her back there in the cellar (1-7).

Needless to say, this trend was somewhat unexpected. I planned to have a better season than last, where in the Bailey league I was last of 6 teams at 4-9. I am currently 5-3.

I had a league that I used to be in… the one that got me involved in Fantasy Football in the first place. My ex friend Tony introduced me to his Electric Apprenticeship league (named INDEED!), which he had at his work. I was the lone outsider. In my first year, I was 10-4 and eliminated from the playoffs, finishing 4th overall. the next year, I finished 2nd overall with a 10-4 record. Coming into this year, of the 3 leagues I had been invited to play in, I was MOST SURE I could or needed to win it all this year in the INDEED! league.

I wanted to show those guys I had what it takes. After the draft however, that plan was totally derailed when a colossally unfair trade was posted (R. Rice, P. Harvin for V. Jackson, C. Johnson). My subsequent distress over the HUGE advantage one team was clearly getting earned me immediate ridicule from the rest of the league, and I was made fun of publicly, and totally disregarded. It was clear to me, but not to them, that one team was going to become a statistically unstoppable juggernaut, and the other would have zero talent remaining. I quit the league that had shown me a passion I did not know I had in me, and that made me pretty sad.

So, with 2 leagues left to manage (which is about all I think my mentally ill brain can handle), I have high hopes that my core philosophical change, and new approach to Fantasy Football will pay off. So far, I’d say that’s the case. Li’l Y Memorial, I’m GOING TO BE 7-1 after a stat correction on Thursday hands me my 5th straight win. In both leagues. 5 weeks. 10 wins. 0 losses. Scoreboard bitches.

bLoRp [Can Google translate this page for you?]

Bajookafred Mundangledorf lagoobradurg Montackular smult. Bajongabeef Zabookachoad nargleplarf. Entrogroogen plorperbloop murgurbonoig plangdeef skroob.Pongaplarg boop garpacklefreds nargbooberchoaf. Glorp spleeb blerper blorp. Bloop bloop pleeb. Morp margatakroaf gralp froag turb blorp. BLORP?

Put that in Google translation and post what you get. 404 errors do not count as valid entries. I haven’t done it, and it’s probably not interesting. It was fun to suggest though… AS IF GOOGLE WOULD KNOW?

You”re (Moo) always saying “oh you have to write ‘word’ that down and make a dictionary…” well, look what you made me do! Look at it! Does that look intelligible, or dictionary-worthy to you?

The miracle of my insanity-inspired gibberish ‘language’, is every time I need a way to describe something NOW, and a real adjective escapes me… I improvise. Result usually works to the benefit of both parties, as MY words are far more descriptive of what it is that I am trying to describe. Eat it Miriam-Webster. Interjected alongside highly articulate discourse, I find it breaks the pattern, gets a smile going, and usually conveys the point accurately. All involved parties subject to said revisionist language can comment as testimony.

Another Early Morning Numerical Check-in

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 = serious problem, 10 = not a problem), rate the following:

Emotional Health:     6

Physical Depression Symptoms:     9

Physical Anxiety Symptoms:     6

Racing Thoughts:     4

Depressed Thoughts:    9

Self-Esteem:     5

Concentration:     4

Enthusiasm:     7

Charisma:     7

Motivation:    5

Paranoia / Fear / Anxiety:     6

Outlook / Hope:     5

OVERALL:     6/10

Night Goes Day

In forests tall standing,

One match high in the dark.

Yellow leaves are falling.

Sighing in the pine needles,

Tower hills and rocks bluffed–

Scraping cold skies of stone.

Shining stars, rising, faint–

Cactus palms open dark

Shadows in the night,

Finger-leaves up.

Glory of the dawn

Reach in and breathe me,

The day has begun