My profile blurb, as it stands now on OkCupid (not really looking for a relationship, but friends for sure). I want whoever I may meet to know who they are getting involved with. Seems fair to me, as I would expect the same. I also want to use this as a reference point, in the event that my opinion of my circumstance changes one way or the other:
Hi there. I’m not a very “mainstream” fellow, in both mind and body. I am an ever-learning intellectual, and “idiot savant” burdened with BiPolar II disorder. I have great capacity for expression, but at a huge cost. My moods are irregular, and while nonviolent, I can be hard to deal with. It’s shocking for someone who has never been with a MAN who has severe depression, because most women need that guy in their life to be STABLE and STRONG, forever SUPPORTIVE and SOLID (nice alliteration, right?). That is not me. I am inconsistent, often anxious, fleeting of thought, exuberant, forgetful and occasionally brilliant. I am not for you, if you don’t know what mental illness is like.
So, for the 1% out there who might catch a look at this, hello there! I’m Westin, and I am a great example of how to NOT be successful in the world. It saddens me to say, but I have tried to be an independent person, husband, full-time employee, college graduate and equal relationship partner, and I have failed at each and every one. Over the course of my independence, I squandered resources, burdened my family with debt, and eventually required rescue from a continuing deterioration of my life.
Look… if you’re going to get involved in my world, you should probably know this shit. I want to be straight with you. I’m not a liar, and I won’t try and obfuscate my mistakes. I’m learning from them, and trying to be a better person instead. Isn’t that the right attitude to have?
As I was saying, my current situation is what we sports people refer to as a “rebuilding season,” after the “fire-sale” of high paid talent, we’re down the bear-bones and trying to create “winning-mentality” and a great ballclub for the next few seasons. Sounds good, right?
I was saved by my parents, who are, quite possibly, the two most unconditionally loving people I have ever heard of. They respect, value and care for me with all their crinkled old rasin-like hearts. We all live together in an apartment in La Mesa, where we can all help each other get by on a daily basis. Our awesome little family-unit is working together (since my Mom has Major Depression disorder) to get mentally healthy, and if you are one of those savvy individuals who has an open mind or first-hand experience, you might be right for the part of “new friend.”
I have no car that I own, though have access to a vehicle whenever I would potentially need it. I am by NO MEANS wealthy. I receive state disability (and federal soon as well), for now, while I adjust to a brand new cocktail of meds (which takes MONTHS to get working correctly). I have goals for my future, and unlike your average dude, they look more like:
1) Get the correct neurochemical balance in your brain to function on a daily basis.
2) Meet with your doctor regularly and therapist to follow through on continuing good mental health.
3) Classes, group therapy and studies designed to help me cope when symptoms happen.
4) Smoke a huge bowl.
5) Play Age of Empires III.
6) Eat a food and have a nap.
In my heart, I have big emotions and HUGE romantic love. I trust with my whole self, and absolutely melt into a puddle when I fall for a girl. I am a great person to relate to, ladies, as I have to be REALLY KEENLY AWARE of my own feelings, all the time, as part of my effort to belay BiPolar symptoms. I get what you feel, and if you happen to be mentally ill as well, we would probably have a lot to discuss.
I say “never finished college” up there in my list of fails… to be fair, I’ve completed 98% of the units to have an AA in English / Liberal Arts (emphasis on biblical literature and the Libertine era & Restoration in Great Brittan), but, as things tend to go in my life… I can phase rapidly into depression, which can cause a total lack of focus, interest and motivation. It becomes painfully hard to do anything repetitive for any measurable length of time. My brain and its chemicals are changing all the time. It’s an ever-renewed battle, day to day; I have to be vigilant.
I’m not high-strung. I’m not violent. I can be mean when I get depressed, but if you KNOW A DAMN THING about mental illness, you will understand what being depressed is all about. I don’t ever want to hurt anyone, and if you don’t take my depression as a personal assault on your virtue and existence, I think we’ll be ok.
I am going to have a good life. I am not a quitter, despite my HUGE IMPAIRMENT, which causes its fair share of problems, I will not give up on having my life the way I want it. I want to go back and fix computers again (which I’m damn good at). My good family friend wants me to be her IT Manager at her AC repair business here in town. That is something to look forward to. I have applicable, money-making skills. I can put them to use, and make enough money to get by, have a little place and buy an 1/8 of weed every week or so.
If you made it down here, for whatever reason, I thank you. I am a smart guy, a loving huggy-bear. A great listener and a truly loving + caring man. I am lonely, out here dealing with my disorder all by myself. I could use a friend to talk to, relate to. I don’t expect a miracle. I’ve been in love, been married, tried to be a functional partner for a woman, but I failed at it. I would not get my hopes up for that type of relationship, but I will never close the door. Never, because I still hope, and want to fall for someone, and do all that shit all over again. I want a chance to make it right, with someone new, and not have an 0 – 3 record in said relationship super bowl.
I am proud, despite all the bullshit I’ve fucked up in my time wandering the Earth. I am out here, looking for a like-minded soul. If you want to get to know a real goober faced idiot poop-tard, shoot me a message. And thank you for reading.
Since music is such a big part of my life, I include this playlist, which is a benchmark for who I am, right now, and what my life is like, right now. Please only consider thematic or genre-related observations about the music. Lyrics and titles are less important that imagery, tempo and overall message:
For Whom the Bell Tolls – Metallica
Holiday – Green Day
Portrait of Authority – Bad Religion
Better Man – Pearl Jam
No One in the World – Anita Baker
Yesterday – The Beatles
Mad World – Tears for Fears (Covered by Gary Jules)
Dun Ringill – Jethro Tull
The Sign of Fire – The Fixx
Is This Love – Bob Marley
You Make my Dreams Come True – Hall & Oates
Wild Sex (In the Working Class) – Oingo Boingo
Let’s Groove Tonight – Earth, Wind and Fire
Off the Wall – Michael Jackson
Sweet Emotion – Aerosmith
People are Strange – The Doors
It Keeps You Runnin’ – The Doobie Brothers
Second Hand Store – Joe Walsh
Karma Police – Radiohead
While You See a Chance – Steve Winwood
(1 hour, 12 minutes)