I tend to think badly about myself, despite what other people may say. I think I am right to try, at least, to be aware of my faults, as to not repeat them. I am, as my personal ad mentions, a different fellow. I am reflective, cuddly, but also disturbing and morose. My demeanor can change rapidly. The point of this is: that unless you are interested and educated in mental illness, you will not understand me at all. This was the fate of my last relationship, where I fell for a girl who I thought would “get” me. And in a lot of ways she did understand me on a deeper than usual level. We had a lot in common, and could always make each other laugh. However, the part of me that I struggle with the most is the part she could not cope with or understand.
I am to blame here, because the end of our relationship together was marred by a 2 month dive, for me, into a depressed state. I tried to live a life that I was just not able to keep up with. I wanted to win her, so I tried to keep her by promising the things she wanted: stability, money, residence and hope for a future. I got depressed, and the tension between us built until it snapped, and she became physically violent. I had her arrested for assault, as I was rendered beaten, bloody and bitten.
In my heart, I KNEW that if I had been “on top of it” I might have noticed the depression creeping on, or if we had been better mental health communicators, we could have worked together on it. But she’s not that kind of girl. Seeking knowledge does not inspire her, nor does it entertain her. Even if someone she loved would forever need to battle mental illness, she would not really try to understand it enough to know what to do, or what symptoms look like. similarly, as most uneducated people do, she usually reacted with anger, sadness or frustration at my unpredictable moods, and disconnected stoicism often caused by depression. People who don’t know about mental illness take the symptoms as an attack on them, and thus, defend themselves as if being verbally / mentally attacked. This just compounds the problem, and creates a depressed rage which can quickly escalate.
I’m not violent. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to be snuggled by someone who loves me when I get sad. I don’t want to be yelled at. I already know I’m fucked up.
I felt bad, that I basically “tuned out” of our relationship, because I got depressed and stopped doing all the things a decent boyfriend should do. I lost that “zest for life,” and that knocked the wind out of our partnership. She took this as a sign of disinterest, or took personal umbrage to my behavior. I regretted this greatly, so, after the dust settled we tried to be friends again. I had a different set of criteria in mind for the new way we would relate to each other. I wanted to have an exchange, where we can help each other, in a given circumstance, to cope with life’s hardships together (via Skype).
I was perturbed to find she had abandoned hope of getting free healthcare and continued psychiatric medication. For people who ARE mentally ill, as she is, it’s almost mandatory to have and take medication daily. It sucks when you do not. Really.
I also have a fundamentally different attitude about life: I strive, and I know it’s really “all on me.” Personal responsibility is my guiding principle. I am decisive, informed and diligent about maintaining a healthy life and a positive but realistic attitude. She had none of these attributes, and insisted on the standard model of coping, which is to vent frustration regularly while failing to address the source (often a matter of overreaction or misinterpretation), or self-regulate in any way.
In truth, I just got tired of talking to someone far less intelligent, and also NOT INTERESTED in being a “better, stronger, faster” person. I’m always looking to improve. If I don’t know something, I go find out about it. I learn constantly. I’m not content with ignorance… but she is. And that I knew was true in the beginning, but I thought her potential fount of love and affection would overcome this flaw. It would be a welcome trade-off, IF I could get someone who could comfort me when I was at my lowest and stick with me to show me that love is stronger than depression. Instead, she cut me off from said fountain for being too fucking crazy and left me to deal with my sorrow, alone. She demonstrated how love = stability, money, possessions, automobiles and getting “what she deserves.”
We deserve only what we earn in the world. We only have one chance. We must not waste it.
I do blame myself for having my depression be the catalyst. I love so strongly, but behind that is a fucked up mess with stuff on the floor and shit just piled up all disorganized. It’s the truth, but I still hold out hope that someone may stumble upon me, and consider a relationship as “a good fixer-upper opportunity.”
I’m not sad. Her reaction to my sorta-hospitalization was appalling. She just does not get it, and makes no effort to get it. So I tuned out, for good. And I feel ok with that, because I need a better human in my circle. I need someone I can trust. Can’t trust a liar with no self-control, can you?
I hope she does ok in the world, I guess. She’s in with the herd now, and headed wherever they all go together. I doubt we will meet again.