Diluted and going

Sliding through

Gravity yanking down

Grabbing with cold hands

Into the dark

Under their footfalls

Beneath the boards

Dwelling in filth

Crawling with insects

Consuming the flesh

From within

Careless walkers

Blinded by normalcy

Uninterrupted by pain

Churning forward like machines

Gripping the real and falling free

Mashing into the ground

As the worth is draining away

Choking on turbid air

Dying on an un-watered limb

Crinkling into sand

Blown away on the wind

And gone

40 Days And Struggling HARD

We Haven’t gone below the normal line, but we’re headed that way in a big god damn hurry. I’m holding on, restless, perturbed, and seemingly hated by the general public. I’m an unreasonably retarded asshole most of the time, which is why I have no friends, no social life, and only one brave soul on my team who gives a shit.



I must look like the kind of person who can be openly disregarded or abused without fear of reprisal. I have the face of a sucker. Someone who could and should be exploited. I must be an idiot, because I let people treat me like shit, step on my throat and coke me out. And I lay there all the while not doing anything. I just get the shit kicked out of me. And I’ll never do anything about it. I’m a gutless motherfucker. Come one come all, I’m ready and willing to be your bitch. Thieves run free, taking whatever they want from anyone with no regard to how I cried in my car and had to go back to work right then and felt like everyone was ganging up on me. No one cares. Not even the people who make as much as I do could give a shit if i have a problem… I mean, I only WORK here, why the fuck should I do anything for you?  No one wants to do anything nice for anyone, they are just looking for a way to fuck you in the ass and run away with your stuff.

Soul-Crushing Nightmares And Meaningless Tears

When I dream, and my deepest fears come to realization, I sob in my sleep. I  cry, because the pain is so real and deep that I feel dead inside  I was under a house, being smothered underneath forever, bugs crawling on me, stabbing pain from their biting me and things on the ground grinding into my flesh, dirt in my eyes, crying, sad. Buried alive in my pain. She was choosing another, in the final seconds of our union, at the height of my love. I was left, alone, realized as inferior, not wanted, cold, abandoned. I can’t tell you how hard it hurts to feel the deepest love in my life ripped away as a matter of casual circumstance. Desperate to dream, I tried, and received heinous nightmares until I surrendered my attempts to rest for the night. I will have a harder time today, because somewhere in me, I have toe poison of deep aching sadness.

I’m tired of crying over something that never happened.


I have the realness of my love to lean on. And reassurances.

Countdown Again

Hunting Girl – Jethro Tull

One day I walked the road
And crossed a field to go
By where the hounds ran hard.
And on the master raced:
Behind the hunters chased
To where the path was barred.
One fine young lady’s horse refused the fence to clear.
I unlocked the gate
But she did wait
Until the pack had disappeared.

Crop handle carved in bone;
Sat high upon a throne
Of finest English leather.
The queen of all the pack,
This joker raised his hat
And talked about the weather.
All should be warned about this high born Hunting Girl.
She took this simple man’s downfall in hand;
I raised the flag that she unfurled.

Boot leather flashing and spur-necks the size of my thumb.
This highborn hunter had tastes as strange as they come.

Unbridled passion: I took the bit in my teeth.
Her standing over — me on my knees underneath.

My lady, be discrete.
I must get to my feet
And go back to the farm.
Whilst I appreciate
You are no deviate,
I might come to some harm.
I’m not inclined to act refined–
If that’s how it goes.
Oh, high born Hunting Girl,
I’m just–
A normal low born so and so.

Even On Christmas, I’m Still Mentally Ill

Merry Christmas Blog. Jesus wasn’t born today, and there is no Santa Claus.

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 = serious problem, 10 = not a problem), rate the following:

Emotional Health:    7

Physical Depression Symptoms:     9

Physical Anxiety Symptoms:    4

Racing Thoughts:     9

Depressed Thoughts:     10

Self-Esteem:     9

Concentration:     8

Enthusiasm:     9

Charisma:     10

Motivation:    9

Paranoia / Fear / Anxiety:     7

Outlook / Hope:   10

OVERALL:     9/10

Parting Ways With The Stars

Meade 2080/LX3 8″ (203mm) f/10 Schmidt-Cassegrain Catadioptric Telescope + ACCESSORIES

Classic, in near perfect condition (cosmetic blemishes only). Primary concave mirror totally refinished 2 years ago. Lots of manually adjustable features. FULLY WORKING, CLEANED, READY TO USE. Includes the following accessories:

Original Manual
Original Quartz Drive control pad
Extended length power cord
Orion 1.25″ Moon Filter
Orion 2x Barlow Lens “Shorty”
Sirius Plossl 26mm Eyepiece
Meade Series 4000 6.4mm Eyepiece
Meade Series 4000 9.7mm Eyepiece
Meade Series 4000 20mm Eyepiece
All stock Alan wrenches
Heavy Duty Tripod

I’d prefer to have someone pick this bad boy up locally (southern California), but if I need to ship it, I will. AND IT WILL BE PACKED VERY CAREFULLY BECAUSE THIS IS A DELICATE PIECE OF EQUIPMENT AND SHOULD BE TREATED RESPECTFULLY. If it’s any consolation, I originally got this telescope from ebay, and it was shipped to me in perfect condition (needing to be collimated, obviously). I will return the favor, to any interested buyer.









Defying Gravity – Wicked

GLINDA (spoken) Elphie – why couldn’t you have stayed calm for once, instead of flying off the handle! (sung) I hope you’re happy! I hope you’re happy now I hope you’re happy how you Hurt your cause forever I hope you think you’re clever!

ELPHABA I hope you’re happy I hope you’re happy, too I hope you’re proud how you Would grovel in submission To feed your own ambition
BOTH So though I can’t imagine how I hope you’re happy right now

GLINDA (spoken) Elphie, listen to me. Just say you’re sorry: (sung) You can still be with the Wizard What you’ve worked and waited for You can
have all you ever wanted:

ELPHABA (spoken) I know: (sung) But I don’t want it – No – I can’t want it Anymore:
Something has changed within me Something is not the same I’m through with playing by the rules Of someone else’s game Too late for second-
guessing Too late to go back to sleep It’s time to trust my instincts Close my eyes: and leap!

It’s time to try Defying gravity I think I’ll try Defying gravity And you can’t pull me down!

GLINDA Can’t I make you understand? You’re having delusions of grandeur:

ELPHABA I’m through accepting limits ”cause someone says they’re so Some things I cannot change But till I try, I’ll never know! Too long I’ve
been afraid of Losing love I guess I’ve lost Well, if that’s love It comes at much too high a cost! I’d sooner buy Defying gravity Kiss me goodbye I’m
defying gravity And you can’t pull me down: (spoken) Glinda – come with me. Think of what we could do: together.

(sung) Unlimited Together we’re unlimited Together we’ll be the greatest team There’s ever been

Glinda – Dreams, the way we planned ’em

GLINDA If we work in tandem:

BOTH There’s no fight we cannot win Just you and I Defying gravity With you and I Defying gravity

ELPHABA They’ll never bring us down! (spoken) Well? Are you coming?

GLINDA I hope you’re happy Now that you’re choosing this

ELPHABA (spoken) You too (sung) I hope it brings you bliss

BOTH I really hope you get it And you don’t live to regret it I hope you’re happy in the end I hope you’re happy, my friend:

ELPHABA So if you care to find me Look to the western sky! As someone told me lately: “Ev’ryone deserves the chance to fly!” And if I’m flying
solo At least I’m flying free To those who’d ground me Take a message back from me Tell them how I am Defying gravity I’m flying high Defying
gravity And soon I’ll match them in renown And nobody in all of Oz No Wizard that there is or was Is ever gonna bring me down!

GLINDA I hope you’re happy!

CITIZENS OF OZ Look at her, she’s wicked! Get her!

ELPHABA :Bring me down!


Rockhounds Cometh

Pegmatite dykes are uncommon in San Diego County, but pretty fucking rare as geologic features go, overall. There are a bunch of factors that contribute to the development of these dykes, but again, the minerals deposited within are usually byproducts of the matrix that was already there before the intrusion of volcanic material. In the case of the Peninsular Ranges, mostly Mesozoic granitic (gabbro) rocks. These were intruded by basaltic volcanoes after the batholith came above ground and began to weather-down.

I’ve been out to the desert hills, looking for undiscovered Pegmatites, but so far, have only found deposits of Tourmaline and Amatrine on surface / alluvial areas. For me, this is unsatisfying. Scouring for a very rare occurrence is likely to end in frustration.

INSTEAD, I’ve decided to allow nature to do the work for me. In east county San Diego, there are old volcanoes that intruded upon the granitic and metamorphic deposits already on the surface, and in all likelihood, produced uncommon minerals from the interactivity of heat and pressure from the intruding magma. Anywhere igneous rock runs into something that was there already, I get interested. I have found an area near the Peninsular Range’s Table Mountain Volcano, where quartz and feldspar from the granitic pluton are heavily concentrated already.

My speculation is that by investigating the wash-out areas from the lowest levels of the volcanic area, I’m likely to find good mineral deposits on the surface. It might take half the day to FULLY INVESTIGATE the area. We’re talking about a mile or so of open desert riverbed. Wash, down from generations of rainfall on soft, sandy, eroded desert granite. It’s a neat place, and I can’t wait to hike the volcano with Birdy.

How about February?



Deep in the ash and dust

A rising twist of ranges

A surprising tear

Bent and crooked life-aligns

New courses fetching faster

And headlines beguile

Wordless noises entwine

And the rules–



Tangled in old needs

Logic’s deep desire

A fueling fire forms

Embarking on new ground

Consuming heat


All tethered to realness

She entrances and inspires

With wisps of notion

I know she’s mine

Left wanting

Life @ No Aderall

I’m suffering without my ADD medication. It’s REALLY hard to focus my thoughts, like shitty brain-eyeglasses; I have a hard time bringing issues into my mind, executing them, and moving on to the next thing smoothly. Work, which in computer repair is very detail oriented, has become more arduous than it should be. I am embracing responsibility without the chemical backing to be as successful as I could be. It’s a tough spot, when you are low-income and the free insurance people don’t want to give you what you need to be functional. I have a clear idea of what things are going to help. Aderall provides a remedy to the ADD symptoms, which POTENTLY manifest as unfocused thoughts, very rampant daydreaming, fantasizing, departing the reality of whatever was going on and becoming lost in my imagination. This is truly frustrating when I’m driving. I also totally lose LITERAL focus of my eyes. EVERYTHING gets blurry, and then I have to REALLY STRAIN to get my attention re-centered and my eyes back to normal. Sounds pretty fucked, eh?

Today, I will try to go get my Aderall, AGAIN. Please oh please LIHP Insurance people, HEAR MY PRAYER. Give me MEDS!!!!

Mood Graph, 32 Days

30 Days

Light grey line = 11/20/12 – 12/21/12

Dark grey line = 2/7/08 – 3/16/08 (39 days)

I noticed a big dip there in the light grey. Environmental factors were LEANING on me, forcing my overall mood down. Parental disagreements as well as the stress of NOT knowing where I was going to live, or if I was even going to get the apartment I wanted. It was a hard few days, and it CLEARLY wore on me. Things are doing much better now. Really, much better. I love her so much; I hold on to that when I get scared.

Moths – Ian Anderson (Jethro Tull)

Oh, the leaded window opened,
To move the dancing candle flame.
And the first moths of summer—
Suicidal, came.
Suicidal, came.

And the new breeze chattered,
In its May-bud tenderness,
Sending water-lilies sailing,
As she turned to get undressed.

And the long night awakened.
And we soared on powdered wings.
Circling our tomorrows,
In the weary month of Spring.
Chasing shadows slipping,
In the magic lantern slide.
Creatures of the candle,
On a night-light-ride.
Dipping and weaving,
Through the golden needle’s eye.
In our haystack madness—
Butterfly-stroking on a Spring-tide high,
On a Spring-tide high.

Life’s too long:
As the Lemming said.
As the candle burned, and the moths were wed.
And we’ll all burn together, as the wick grows higher,
Before the candle’s dead.

Oh, the leaded window opened,
To move the dancing candle flame.
And the first moths of summer—
Suicidal, came.
Suicidal, came.
To join in the worship,
Of the light that never dies,
In the moment’s reflection—
Of two moths spinning in her eyes.

Moldy Fucking House

So, my apartment was supposed to be ready for me to move into today. Turns out, no one really bothered to clean it well, or even make sure someone could live there. With no shower (enameled and disassembled) and no stove, I am basically stuck IN MID MOVE, unable to complete it and move in BECAUSE MY DAMN HOME IS NOT READY TO BE MY HOME YET. Mold in the windows, shit in the cupboards… I’m pretty fucking pissed, needless to say.

It sucks when you have no choice but to depend on the incompetence of others. I’d be better off DOING EVERYTHING MYSELF. As I really can’t trust anyone ELSE to do it. No dependability where it CLEARLY should be.

I’m going to have to beat people over the head with my dick to get anything done.

Sounds like miserable fun. Giddy-the-fuck-up.

BiPolar Beebops Christmas CD Contest RESULTS REVEALED

My CD, Bipolar Beebops, was OFFICIALLY SUBMITTED for the Christmas CD Contest. Today, my “judges” sat down and partook of the musical insanity-driven roller-coaster that is my 2012 CD. They thoroughly LOVED it, and might easily hand me the crown this year, after Daddo makes his submission tomorrow. I CAN SAY that I TOASTED Moo’s submission. ROCKED IT RIGHT OUT OF IT’S COMFY LITTLE SPOT IN 1st PLACE.

My CD was not only a musical journey, but an EXAMINATION of their MUSICAL PROWESS. The 21 track CD was ALSO a fill-in-the-blank examination worth 50 points (with some tracks being HARDER to name than others, and therefore, worth 3 instead of 2). Below is the scorecard I used to grade their answers. Admittedly, there are some seriously “difficult to identify” musical selections in there. This is not a test for the faint of heart. Have your shit together, or you’re not getting far.

  1. (3) The Big Rock Candy Mountains – Harry McClintock – O Brother Where Art Thou
  2. (2) Somebody To Love – Jefferson Airplane – Apollo 13
  3. (2) On The Road To Find Out – Cat Stevens – Harold and Maude
  4. (2) Holiday – Madonna – The Wedding Singer
  5. (2) Main Titles – Danny Elfman – Beetlejuice
  6. (2) I Just Can’t Get Enough – Depeche Mode – The Wedding Singer
  7. (2) The Entertainer (Orchestra Version) – Marvin Hamlisch – The Sting
  8. (3) The One & Only – Chesney Hawkes – Doc Hollywood
  9. (2) Cheer Down – George Harrison – Lethal Weapon 2
  10. (2) You Make My Dreams – Hall & Oates – The Wedding Singer
  11. (3) Son Of A Preacher Man – Dusty Springfield – Pulp Fiction
  12. (3) If I Can’t Have You – Yvonne Elliman – Saturday Night Fever
  13. (2) Kissing You – Des’ree – Romeo + Juliet
  14. (2) What Would Brian Boitano Do? – Matt Stone and Trey Parker – South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
  15. (2) Scarborough Fair/Canticle – Simon and Garfunkel – The Graduate
  16. (3) Du Hast – Rammstein – The Matrix
  17. (2) Top Gun Anthem – Harold Faltermeyer & Steve Stevens – Top Gun
  18. (2) I’ll Fly Away – Alison Krauss & Gillian Welch – O Brother Where Art Thou?
  19. (3) Tequila – The Champs – The Sandlot
  20. (2) Footloose – Kenny Loggins – Footloose
  21. (2) What Would Brian Boitano Do? Pt. II – D.V.D.A – South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut

So, then I had them sit down and listen to BiPolar Beebops, and take the exam at the same time. THE RESULTS ARE SAD. be warned, music GURUS. This is a woeful, truly dismal display of musical knowledge. View the test results at your own risk. First, the WINNER of the exam portion of the presentation. Congratz to the winner… though, I’m not hanging my hat on your score.

Moo Page 1

Moo Page 2

Daddo Page 1

Daddo Page 2


EITHER WAY: I like my chances at becoming the next “GRAND CHAMPION KING of Christmas.” Oh yeah. Bring it on, Holiday BITCHES.

If I Can’t Have You – Barry Gibb (Yvonne Elliman)

Don’t know why,
I’m surviving every lonely day,
When there’s got to be,
No chance for me–
My life would end.

And it doesn’t matter how I cry.
My tears of love–
A waste of time,
If I turn away.
Am I strong enough to see it through?
Go crazy is what I will do…

If I can’t have you:
I don’t want nobody, baby–
If I can’t have you.

If I can’t have you,
I don’t want nobody, baby–
If I can’t have you.

Can’t let go.
And it doesn’t matter how I try.
I gave it all,
So easily–
To you, my love.
To dreams that never will come true?
Am I strong enough to see it through?
Go crazy is what I will do…

If I can’t have you:
I don’t want nobody, baby–
If I can’t have you.

If I can’t have you,
I don’t want nobody, baby–
If I can’t have you.

The One – Elton John

I saw you dancing out the ocean,
Running fast along the sand.
A spirit born of earth and water,
Fire flying from your hands.

In the instant that you love someone–
In the second that the hammer hits;
Reality runs up your spine,
And the pieces finally fit.

And all I ever needed was the one.
Like freedom fields where wild horses run.
When stars collide like you and I,
No shadows block the sun.
You’re all I’ve ever needed,
Baby you’re the one.

There are caravans we follow,
Drunken nights in dark hotels.
When chances breathe between the silence,
Where sex and love no longer gel.

For each man in his time is Cain,
Until he walks along the beach–
And sees his future in the water,
A long lost heart within his reach.

And all I ever needed was the one.
Like freedom fields where wild horses run.
When stars collide like you and I,
No shadows block the sun.
You’re all I’ve ever needed,
Baby you’re the one.

Rental Agreement Part 2

So, I signed the docs, and now it’s official. I move in on the 18th. I have done it! I have been given a chance at a new life, and a new fuzzy glow happens in the world forever. And then I have a life with Birdy, a career life where I learn new things, every day. My work is constantly good. If there are things to do, and once I get “up to speed” at the specific procedures of my occupation, I will be locked in to my career. I am really excited about my life right now. I anticipate that it will improve dramatically when Birdy comes to live with me too. And then WE can have our life together.

What a soggy sponge-head I turned out to be. I’m a love panda. I can’t help it. It’s bubbling out of me all the time. I tried to be this way, and being mentally ill AT THE SAME TIME can be a bit of a roller-coaster. One that most people are not prepared for. So I found someone who rides the funky-voodoo-lightning-snake. AS I DO.

We have a special club. It has membership cards.

So, I’m happy about my life. Happy. I have a good.

Shiver / Shine

Shattered trembles–

To take flighty-wing heights,

Granted, they have dangling toes.


Nifty sky of hopes.

Tasting pancake dreams and Saturday sun,

Warm mornings with holding and love.


Whisked on a fantastical tour.

Strange tastes and excitement running,

A hot electric arc–

A sparking furnace of my heat.

Burning, breaking over hills,

Cresting like a sunrise,

Day in, share with me,


Straight To My Heart – Sting

In a hundred years from now,
They will attempt to tell us how,
A scientific means to bliss–
Will supersede the human kiss.

A sub-atomic chain,
Will maybe galvanize your brain–
Or a biochemic trance,
Will eliminate romance.

But why ever should we care,
When there are arrows in the air,
Formed by lovers’ ancient art,
That go straight to my heart?

Straight to my heart.

A future sugar-coated pill,
Would give our lovers time to kill…
I think they’re working far too much,
For the redundancy of touch.

But what will make me yours,
Are a millions deadly spores,
Formed by lovers’ ancient art,
That go straight to my heart?

Straight to my heart.

Come into my door,
Be the light in my life.
Come into my door,
You’ll never have to sweep the floor.
Come into my door,
Be the light in my life.
Come into my door,
Come and be my wife.

I’ll be true…
To no one but you.

If it’s a future would we fear,
We have tomorrow’s seeds right here–
You can hold them in your hand,
Or let them fall into the sand.

But if our love is pure,
The only thing of which we’re sure,
That you can play your part,
And fly straight to my heart.

Straight to my heart

If I should seek immunity,
And love you with impunity,
Then the only thing to do,
Is for me to pledge myself to you.

Only dealt one card,
So for me it is not hard.
You’re the bright star in my chart,
You go straight to my heart.

Straight to my heart

Come into my door,
Be the light in my life.
Come into my door,
You’ll never have to sweep the floor.
Come into my door,
Be the light in my life.
Come into my door,
Come and be my wife.

I’ll be true…
To no one but you.

Straight to my heart.

Not Acting Coherent

So, a fairly large life changing event hangs pending. Am I going to live independently, or will I be cast down into some other type of unknown arrangement? I have not really foreseen where this will go upon distinct failure. I am deeply troubled, but will know my fate, one way or the other, soon. I don’t really like the thought of being forced to rapidly find a replacement plan. This would be so fucked if it collapsed in on itself now. I can’t allow those fears to get the better of me. I really can’t afford to go diving into my deepest fears and reservations about life and living. Now is not the time. Now, I need to hold my fucking shield out there and deflect some fucking arrows.  Seriously. Who the fuck am I kidding. Life is my bitch, and I just hacked its fucking face off with a razor-sharp glaidus. SUCK IT FRENCHITA. I just pwned you in 2 languages. WORD.

A World Inside My Head

This world came to me in a dream, though not nearly all its grandeur can be represented in a cartographic way. Since having that very vivid dream, I’ve  tried to tell the history of this world, but have failed each time. My attempts to capture this huge universe are not wasted, as MANY have enjoyed storytelling from this reality, or have made their own adventures within it.  It is a huge world, full of people, cultures and environments. It is vivid in my mind. Each city, each location. Everything. Enjoy a detailed map of my world, from my ongoing saga: The Epic of Realm.

The World

Complaint to Weather Underground

Not the underground terrorist organization, but the weather website that many aspiring amateur meteorologists (such as myself) used to get their info from. I wrote this complaint earlier this morning, after the “NEW BETA” Wundermap was forced on everyone over the weekend. It has since rendered a perfectly good resource totally useless.

I hope every aspiring amateur meteorologist who USED to use your nifty Wundermap has since written you an email, explaining how you have ruined a perfectly functional tool for thousands of end users. Your “new ans improved” Wundermap is counter intuitive, functionally awkward, poorly designed, and LITTERED WITH ADVERTISEMENTS.

I am ashamed, at this point, that I have recommended you to other peers in my field. Your recent change of direction and policy has taken you off my bookmarks, to say the least. I may not have any reason to visit your site anymore as a result. I wish you’d at least host a server with the OLD Wundermap, and allow people to pick. Instead, you forced a garbage product on me, and tried to make it seem like it was a “new and improved” or somehow better service.Without alteration, you have certainly lost my interest, and my future recommendation. I will be SURE to tell my peers, now, how you blew it by crap-a-fying your once awesome weather service website.

Good luck handling the complaint emails.


Turned in on pride,

Foul like a raging sea,

Crested in biting blue’s white teeth

About to go down hard.


Dying words fail me.

When tempered steel breaks,

Shattered thoughts–

Scrambled eggs…


Un-write my ways

And give rise to tides,

Pulled tall by a stretched moon.

Waves over me,

Down and gone,

Into a crushing depth,

Of darkness.


Awaking pain–

The clock runs on, measuring my ache.

A vine without water,

A night without day.

Homeward Frowned

I’m being ripped apart by circumstance. I have too many things that are no longer in my control. I wait patiently for my best efforts to be rejected because of my colorfully lame past; because of how I seem, not because of who I am. I expect to be declined the apartment, because mercy is not abundant, and chances are, my fragile life is of little fiscal concern to anyone. Without SOMEONE taking a risk on me, this whole plan will totally fail. It would be a whole different type of failure. A new personal low. Risk everything, be rewarded with rejection. Lose everything, gain only heartache and pain. I find this world to be cold and cruel, if its merciless continue thus unabated. I stand passive, in the face of bullies. I’m sad, and anxious beyond hope. Beyond reason. Lost in panic and worry. Waiting for Wednesday’s mandate to decide my fate.

DinoJax’s Personality Quiz Results

  1. Called: DinoJax
  2. Height: 5′ 3″
  3. Demeanor: Spastic Mumbler
  4. Character:  Workaholic
  5. Self-Image: Hopeless Wanderer
  6. Attributes (5): Creative, Determined, Dorky, Loyal, Loving
  7. Nature: Endlessly Optimistic
  8. Abilities (2): Jewelry Technician, Foodie
  9. Human vs. Animal Ratio?: Human 65% Animal 35%

Which best suits you?

  1. Fight or Flight?: Fight
  2. Brawn or Brains?: Brains
  3. Truth or Dare?: Dare
  4. Sky or Horizon?: Horizon
  5. Introverted or Extroverted?: Extroverted
  6. Night or Day?: Night
  7. Red or Blue?: Red
  8. Yellow or Green?: Green
  9. Risk or Reserved?: Risk
  10. Lies or Honesty?: Honesty

One word.

  1. Who you are now?: Struggling
  2. Who you want to be?: Secure
  3. What is the best part of you?: Loyalty
  4. What is your biggest flaw?: Loyalty
  5. What drives you?: Purpose
  6. What inspires you?: Happiness
  7. What is your conscience like?: Harsh
  8. Who were you?: Young
  9. What do others see in you?: Aloofness
  10. What do you see in yourself?: Jaded

Barfroogamus Chabongabeef

Life is a strange thing. I’m never sure how things are going to go. I’ve THOUGHT, many a time, that my fate was somewhat set-to-course. HA. That was dumb, apparently. Time changes things… every second that passes some variable in the surrounding sphere changes. A permutation to the structure of the thing occurs, and it sends a ripple through worlds. I understand this concept, and thus, the chaos of random life events does not irritate me the way it had. It can be abrasive, to have a predetermined goal, or some long-term objective that was to be accomplished over the span of decades. It is damaging to one’s reality when those goals are not actualized. It causes despair.

I just don’t know how, with all the random bullshit that happens in the world, how anyone can arguably depend on anything or anyone but YOU. Perhaps a very trusted ally in life, such as a partner… I can see how strength in numbers is the better way to go. It’s very hard thing to accomplish, however. Finding “that person” is part of the random chance equation.

This is, in large part, why we will never TRULY be able to predict the weather. There are WAY too many variables for anything we have ever built or theorized be built could handle calculating them. And even if you could equate for chaos, let’s just say, how much computational rendering power are we talking about here? What’s the processing speed on a task that huge? How could this possibly work for a regular forecast, if it takes seven thousand years to calculate all the variables involved?

So, as there is no point in the exercise of prediction, I try to refrain from looking too far down the metaphorical road. I try to limit my thoughts and actions down to the day-to-day consistencies of success. What “tasks of substance or relevance” can I accomplish daily? I don’t believe in complacency. It’s a silly word that means stagnation and lethargy, and then FEELING SATISFIED WITH IT. I always push, if I can, for the next thing… whatever that ends up being. I know my limits, however. I do not go bananas with responsibility. I can’t, if I plan to stay healthy and stable.

I’m a disabled person. I KNOW for a SOLID UNDENIABLE FACT that I can’t work a full-time load. Not even close. I WILL BECOME BURNT-OUT AND GET SYMPTOMATIC. It’s happened every time, EVERY TIME, for 9 years or longer. I finally have part-time work, and disability, so, I might actually be able to have a REAL person life. Not a life dictated by the limitations of my permanent mental illness.

Mental health and stability are achievable. A cure is not. A symptom-free life is probably not going to happen. Unless you are a mild-case and can get by with mastery of the 3 keys to stability (medication, therapy, and environment). I will fight, like one does, if they want to “make their way” in the world. I desire to blaze a bath of glory and fire through the desolate heart of darkness and despair. MY HELLFIRE WILL RAIN DOWN ON THOSE WHO STAND AGAINST ME.

I really think that I’m doing a good job handling stress, considering the magnitude of what I have undertaken. I’m impressed with myself, and more so with Birdy. She not only has to hunker-down and grind under the strain of moving, but ALL the people around her are DUMPING POOP ON HER HEAD. It fucking sucks. I hate that mentality, where vulnerable people are seen as imminently exploitable. Or insecure, shy and coy is taken as inferior and weak, because most callous pricks can’t see past their own retarded personalities. Dysfunction and insanity abound in what so many of us mentally ill folk come to desire as “normal.” Most mainstream people are oblivious. People who have broken brains PAY SUPER CLOSE ATTENTION TO THEM, more often than not. This tends to make us better self-stewards. I value this about who I am. I find most other people baffling as a consequence.

As the tendency, at least for me, is to be more introspective than ignorant, I “tend” myself as a good farmer does his land. My personality is all that is really truly mine to control. My mind is powerful, but WAY crazy. That sentence makes it seem like I have some kind of super hero consciousness-altering cosmic brain-power. Which is crap. I can read Birdy’s thoughts, however. Pretty clearly, as a matter of FACT. Her emotions come through to me OVER THE PHONE. Or during periods where we are not actually communicating with each other in any way. Part of why I think it’s a good idea to keep her around.

Life is a gambler’s chance; it’s random events, colliding with other random events, and sparking an incalculable sum of additional contingent events. It’s all about chance. It’s the dare that keeps us alive. It keeps ME living, for each new day’s chaos-wheel-spin. I have the flavor of change about me, and the passage of time is just the new hot show on TV. I’m wide open to whatever comes. I’m SURE it’s going to be interesting, either way.

An Evening Check-In

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 = serious problem, 10 = not a problem), rate the following:

Emotional Health:  7

Physical Depression Symptoms:     7

Physical Anxiety Symptoms:    8

Racing Thoughts:    8

Depressed Thoughts:    8

Self-Esteem:     9

Concentration:   7

Enthusiasm:    9

Charisma:     9

Motivation:    9

Paranoia / Fear / Anxiety:     8

Outlook / Hope:    10

OVERALL:   9/10

Your numbers would be up too, if you had done what I am doing. Work gives me a sense of purpose. Having goals gives me something to strive for. I have identity, purpose and a meaningful life. Another day awaits!


I am finally launching my life, with the help of my loving parents. They have given me a “launching pad”, and safe-haven when I most needed rescue. They are prepared to take chances WITH me, because we all trust and love each other. That’s so fucking huge. I mean, come on. Broken families are everywhere. Trauma and abuse are more common than anything else. My family UNCONDITIONALLY LOVES, and has taught me to do the same thing. So this is how I love: with everything I am. Which is heartbreaking for everyone when I bring in the wrong girl, let her get into everyone’s hearts, and then watch her ruin our tranquility, and send things into chaos.

I found the right girl. She’s going to be mine forever, and I hers. I have no doubt about this. There is no hesitation with her, as opposed to the disturbing differences between myself and my past women relationships. None of them, none, would have me as I was. As I HAVE TO BE. They rejected some part of me. Jen threatened to dump me if I got symptomatic, which she then did. Emelia had no fucking clue how to deal with any stress or anything at all in her life, so she’d melt down and go violent. Bad.

I am with such a pure soul. She guides my intuition, and inspires me to be proud of myself and my life. I am reaching for the stars, not FOR her, but WITH her as my partner.

This is a dream I have had for my whole life. It is coming true, in the most precarious of circumstances. I am bound to my love for Birdy, and I will never let go of it. Because there is no end to how much I love, and how deeply. I can’t be stopped. I’m a lovecamotive.

I’m excited about life again. You must have some vague idea what that’s like… It’s WORTH striving for. WORTH EVERY AGONIZING SECOND. For pride.

My First Poem is 20 Years Old

Seriously, this is the first poem I ever wrote, 20 years ago. I was 8. It was before Microsoft Word, and decrypted from a old WordPerfect now extinct file type. I first present the poem in its original unedited glory, as typed, by me, 7450 days ago today.

Sacred Shadows

In    the   midnight   glow.    a    crie   of   deth.   A   soden
flaer     thers     fire     in     the    aie.    It   thins  of  us   soe
dangerous     but    we    are    bkus.   Sacret  Shadows   upon   the   walls
youl  finde     deth    cmes    shoety    fo   you   bkus    you   are  not
dangerous.     My  name    is   michael   jackson  wat   are   you doing to my
home?  You   are   brning. Thes    is   are  planet. Ho  sacred shadows  upon
The  walls.  youl   finde   deth    coms   shoety  fo  you  bkus you  are  not
dangerous.  The    flame deseperde.     long   lost   sol of  a  ded   man.



My Dad added a”translation” and note to the file, in an effort to make some sense of the insane chicken scrawl above.

This is Eric’s first poem translated into the stodgy, predictable 
format in which all “good” poetry is presented. To appreciate
fully the creative and unharnessed manner that an imaginative
8-year-old mind takes for granted, read the unedited original
version that follows.

I wanted to put my original poem up there first because, it’s, um, THE BEST. Here’s the interpretation provided by Daddo:


In the midnight glow, a cry of death;
A sudden flare- there’s fire in the air.
It thinks of us so dangerous
But we are because.
Sacred Shadows upon the walls
You’ll find death comes shortly for you
Because you are not dangerous.
My name is michael jackson
What are you doing to my home?
You are burning.
This is our planet.
Oh sacred shadows upon the walls,
You’ll find death comes shortly for you
Because you are not dangerous.
The flame disappeared.
Long lost soul of a dead man.


I think that’s fucking hilarious. I’m so fucking BiPolar. Even when I was a mini-me. Ha! Classic.

Just Like Heaven – The Cure

“Show me how you do that trick,
The one that makes me scream” she said.
“The one that makes me laugh” she said,
And threw her arms around my neck.
“Show me how you do it,
And I promise you I promise that–
I’ll run away with you.
I’ll run away with you.”

Spinning on that dizzy edge,
I kissed her face and kissed her head,
And dreamed of all the different ways I had,
To make her glow.
“Why are you so far away?” she said,
“Why won’t you ever know that I’m in love with you
That I’m in love with you?”

Soft and only,
Lost and lonely,
Strange as angels.
Dancing in the deepest oceans,
Twisting in the water,
You’re just like a dream,
Just like a dream…

Daylight licked me into shape.
I must have been asleep for days.
And moving lips to breathe her name,
I opened up my eyes.
And found myself alone alone,
Alone above a raging sea,
That stole the only girl I loved,
And drowned her deep inside of me.

Soft and only,
Lost and lonely,
Just like heaven…

Still Alive – GLaDOS

This was a triumph.
I’m making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.
It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction.
Aperture Science:
“We do what we must,
Because we can.”
For the good of all of us…
Except the ones who are dead.
But there’s no sense crying over every mistake,
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done,
And you make a neat gun,
For the people who are still alive.
I’m not even angry.
I’m being so sincere right now,
Even though you broke my heart,
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because,
I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data,
Make a beautiful line,
And we’re out of beta,
We’re releasing on time.
So I’m glad I got burned,
Think of all the things we learned,
For the people who are still alive.
Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you’ll find someone else to help you,
Maybe Black Mesa?
Anyway, this cake is great,
It’s so delicious and moist.
Look at me still talking,
When there’s science to do,
When I look out there it makes me glad I’m not you,
I’ve experiments to run,
There is research to be done,
On the people who are still alive.
And believe me I am still alive,
I’m doing Science and I’m still alive,
I feel FANTASTIC and I’m still alive,
While you’re dying I’ll be still alive,
And when you’re dead I will be still alive,
Still alive,
Still alive.

Planet WEB5-12052012

  1. Unwell – Matchbox 20
  2. Time Is Running Out – Muse
  3. Dissident – Pearl Jam
  4. Born Of A Broken Man – Rage Against The Machine
  5. 21st Century Breakdown – Green Day
  6. You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away – The Beatles
  7. Still Alive – GLaDOS
  8. Give Me Novocaine – Green Day
  9. Jump – Van Halen
  10. Just Like Heaven – The Cure
  11. Save Tonight – Eagle-Eye Cherry
  12. Photograph – Def Leppard
  13. Californication – Red Hot Chili Peppers
  14. Sunshine Of Your Love – Eric Clapton
  15. I Want You So Bad – Heart
  16. Everywhere – Fleetwood Mac
  17. Drive – Incubus
  18. Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life) – Green Day

Life-Speed Ahead

Things in the world are moving right along. My life takes a new shape, based on the intention of individual success. My prerogative being: establish a healthy environment that will allow for good mental health. This is my paramount concern, when developing independence. Climatological factors have led to my steep decline in the past. Steep and rapid, amidst HUGE stress from all directions. Now I am asking a lot of myself, and approaching the dark of winter, I grow anxious.

My condition tends to decline in the low-light of seasonal change, but I can’t put the blame on that, or any singular thing. Typically, my environments have been secretly toxic in some facet. Most of the time, my significant other was poisonous to my mental health, and inevitably contributed to its escalation. I’m to blame here as well, but fuck, what do you expect the mentally ill guy to do… not be mentally ill? If I’m freaking out, the LAST response should be to scream at me, hit me or throw dangerous objects at me… I mean, right? Am I way off-base in thinking that?

I needed someone who could comprehend my PERMANENT MENTAL DISORDER. Someone came into my world who willingly took up that responsibility, as I have for her. Through the qualification of mutual pain, we can relate to each other in a deep and profound way. I find that this is a ridiculously rare quality to possess. So, I’ve decided to build a life around Birdy, and I’ve found in her someone who can make the journey of existence quite enjoyable. Considering how far and long we can BOTH fall, it’s REALLY NICE having someone there to catch you, just in case. Someone who gets it.

I can’t tell you how good it feels to be inspired, and crafting my own destiny. I am the boss of me, fool. I have taken my life, and utterly reformed it, given it a new healthy, round shape, and set it to bake. The wheels of change are absolutely in motion, and at a point where they can’t be stopped. Things are happening now, FOR SURE. no doubt about it.

I eagerly await the new year. A chance to rebuild myself from the rubble of previous environments, and change my own life for the better.

I Only Sleep For 6 Hours Max Now…

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 = serious problem, 10 = not a problem), rate the following:

Emotional Health:   5

Physical Depression Symptoms:     2

Physical Anxiety Symptoms:    8

Racing Thoughts:    8

Depressed Thoughts:    6

Self-Esteem:     9

Concentration:   6

Enthusiasm:    5

Charisma:     9

Motivation:    2

Paranoia / Fear / Anxiety:     3

Outlook / Hope:    4

OVERALL:    6/10

I have the confidence to pursue my goals and dreams, however, the aching slowness of restless nights and groaning days makes it much harder. I sleep inconsistently and dream often not good dreams. I have difficulty feeling “recharged” on a daily basis. I’m not ready to attribute this to anything major, unless we’re in a deeper hold by Friday. I think this might be the start of my Seasonal Affectation and Depression. I’m keeping a CLOSER eye on this area than usual, and I’ll see if the trend continues. 4 days and counting so far.


Quick darting edges,

Bladed tips with chattering clatter,

Running fast thorough the thickets.


Their spider dance incites–

Hot callous fire of engine energy,

Unending and unabated in a march forward,

Across and through, and back out to the ends of me, faster


Driven poorly–

Bad multipliers–

An excess of etchings–

An itch deep and cruel.

Twitch. Pop. Back.

Oh, to sit still

And breathe.


I’m freaked. Got a lot on me right now. Hoping that I can be strong through this insane crazy time. I need my strength. These words only resonate with my fear, my anxiety and my uncertainty. I know that I must face the ghost. I must be brave, now more than ever. But I’m scared, too. Balancing, trying not to go too far one way or the other. Trying. I struggle on regardless.


It boils.
Burning white,
Ivory hides rise and fall
But under, the dark…

Close, slight space–
Of electric stillness.
The pressure of the looming predator.
Taking in deep, raging breaths–
Expelled with anger,
Deep in the heart–
Of twisting darkness,
Shrouded by the rain.

Crashing reality,
Scraped with hate–
Scoured by the thunder’s bite–
Torn and fractured, under the burden–
Breathing still, raging further.

Deeper into night.
Only capped, fury reigning down.
Passing, constantly hungry,
Never quenched,
But riding in the chaos,of chance.

Hunting on, towards the next–
Affixed, claim to the real.

Still Coping With Symptoms

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 = serious problem, 10 = not a problem), rate the following:

Emotional Health:    5

Physical Depression Symptoms:     4

Physical Anxiety Symptoms:   7

Racing Thoughts:    10

Depressed Thoughts:     6

Self-Esteem:     6

Concentration:    8

Enthusiasm:   5

Charisma:     9

Motivation:    8

Paranoia / Fear / Anxiety:     5

Outlook / Hope:    8

OVERALL:    7/10

Still dealing with symptom feelings. Doing my best to concentrate on good stuff while the pressure of the world smushes down on me.

5870 Days Ago, I Was Still A Kook


The Tale of the Duck Dragon

Hello young traders, today I have a story for you. It all started in the city of Abuda. In that city there lived a young boy named Ali Kassim. Ali was a merchant, and sometimes he made a good bargain but he wasn’t very popular and wasn’t very wealthy. So one day Ali was looking for a bargain and he herd a story of the Duck Dragon of the desert. People say that the Duck Dragon holds all the treasure in Arabia, and the most valuable jewel in the world the jewel of the Duck Dragon. The merchant who was telling the story Saw Ali and said “You there, Ali Kassim I want to give you an offer.”

“I’m listening.” Ali said

“I’m seeking a strong man who can go out to get the jewel of the Duck Dragon. All I want is the jewel you can have the treasure.”

“Hmm, that is an interesting offer, let me sleep on it then you will have my decision.”

So Ali went home to his mother, they ate figs and talked about the offer. “yes Ali do it!” his mother cried. “We need the money and besides that you are a strong man you can do it.”

“Ok, mom just let me sleep then I will decide.”

The next day Ali returned to the merchant and said

“Will you give me food and supplies?”

“Yes, Camels, Swords any thing you want.  But I do have to advise you about a few complications.”

“Oh, that is all right.” Ali said nervously

“Ali, along your path there many monsters, so be careful of them.

Also there is one more person going after this treasure his name is Abodu Abi, he is a dangerous man so kill him before you get to the cave.” The merchant said “You leave tomorrow.”  So Ali went home and prepared fore the day ahead.

Ali left the following day, he had a map to guide his way

the map said Ali would cross a dessert then a valley on to the hills and to the oasis cave. So Ali crossed the desert but wen he got to the valley Ali was stopped by a giant sand snake. Ali got off his camel and said “giant sand snake I’m Ali Kassim I wish to cross this valley, so let me cross in peace.”  But the sand snake snapped at Ali anyway but as Ali was about to draw his sword Abodu Abi came riding in first he beheaded the snake and pouched it’s head and rode away laughing.

Ali was mad. The merchant had said to be careful of Abodu. With that in mind he rode on toward the hills. When he got there he met Abodu, but Abodu was trapped in the pit of a desert sand lion.  Ali looked at Abodu and said “Abodu you are very unwise for getting trapped there.”

“Ali”, Abodu began “You are as slow and as dumb as a old starved dessert rat!”

Just as Abodu said that the sand lion began to emerge, then it rose from the sand but didn’t see Abodu it saw Ali it struck at Ali then ate his camel. Abodu escaped during all the commotion. Ali fought with all his might, and eventually slain the sand lion.  Ali had dulled his sword and lost all his supplies and don’t forget the camel.

Ali walked on foot for three hours until he reached a oasis.

He walked until he found a brook. This brook was not on the map, so he decided to follow it up stream.  Ali  followed the stream until it formed a pond Ali sipped some of the water, it was warm and it smelt funny so he left the strange pond later to see it was a hot water spring. Ali walked until he found a waterfall, so he climbed the rocks around the waterfall and peered over the top, it was a giant geyser! Then Ali looked down at the waterfall and saw the entrance to a cave behind it, he hoped right in.  As Ali looked around the cave opened in to a large cavern. Well Ali needed a fez, sword, vest,  belt and a shield wouldn’t hurt. he spotted few dead bodies in the corner and he took all he could.

Ali looked at he many passages  trying to decide which one to walk down. Suddenly he herd a voice “Ali Kassim, be gone from this place. The dragon’s treasure is mine!”  Ali knew that voice, it was Abodu’s Voice, so Ali said “Abodu Abi come out here and fight like a Muslim .” Suddenly Abodu jumps out of  a crack and attempts to stab Ali.

As Ali and Abodu fight a shadow is cast upon the floor, the Duck Dragons shadow. The two merchants look in horror as the Duck Dragon rises from it’s den.  First it snaps at Abodu and then it mutilates him and drops the bloody carcass on the cold floor. Ali runs behind a rock. Just then I walk in to the cave, I was there to kill everything and return home with the jewel.  I hid behind a rock, but the dragon herd me come in. In a jiffy it smelt Ali and breathed fire on Ali’s rock, Ali ran for the next rock but the dragon got him.  First it shredded his torso in half and let the bloody,  pulsating body fall to the ground.  But then I snatched up the sword Ali dropped and sliced open the dragons stomach, spilling it’s intestines on the cave floor.

So when it was all over I bagged the gold and the dragons head and flew home on my magic carpet, here it is… it shrunk in the wash.  So remember, stories don’t always end the way you think  Thank You

PS  you know that guy I was going to give  the jewel to … he is washing dishes  five days a week in the castle I own now.  looser!