Life-Speed Ahead

Things in the world are moving right along. My life takes a new shape, based on the intention of individual success. My prerogative being: establish a healthy environment that will allow for good mental health. This is my paramount concern, when developing independence. Climatological factors have led to my steep decline in the past. Steep and rapid, amidst HUGE stress from all directions. Now I am asking a lot of myself, and approaching the dark of winter, I grow anxious.

My condition tends to decline in the low-light of seasonal change, but I can’t put the blame on that, or any singular thing. Typically, my environments have been secretly toxic in some facet. Most of the time, my significant other was poisonous to my mental health, and inevitably contributed to its escalation. I’m to blame here as well, but fuck, what do you expect the mentally ill guy to do… not be mentally ill? If I’m freaking out, the LAST response should be to scream at me, hit me or throw dangerous objects at me… I mean, right? Am I way off-base in thinking that?

I needed someone who could comprehend my PERMANENT MENTAL DISORDER. Someone came into my world who willingly took up that responsibility, as I have for her. Through the qualification of mutual pain, we can relate to each other in a deep and profound way. I find that this is a ridiculously rare quality to possess. So, I’ve decided to build a life around Birdy, and I’ve found in her someone who can make the journey of existence quite enjoyable. Considering how far and long we can BOTH fall, it’s REALLY NICE having someone there to catch you, just in case. Someone who gets it.

I can’t tell you how good it feels to be inspired, and crafting my own destiny. I am the boss of me, fool. I have taken my life, and utterly reformed it, given it a new healthy, round shape, and set it to bake. The wheels of change are absolutely in motion, and at a point where they can’t be stopped. Things are happening now, FOR SURE. no doubt about it.

I eagerly await the new year. A chance to rebuild myself from the rubble of previous environments, and change my own life for the better.

2 thoughts on “Life-Speed Ahead

  1. I once read that K Redfield Jamison or someone had described bipolar as something along the lines of “a disorder of physical origins whose expression feels entirely psychological”… well something like that. Well I’d beg to differ. From what I recall of intense mania it feels extremely physical… all those terawatts of energy… same deal with depression ~~~ an awful lack of energy and drive and ability to feel anything much except absolutely terrible! I hope you do manage to pick up all those pieces you talk of… and that there aren’t just too many to deal with (know what I mean?) :-) :-( ;-)

    • Yes. I’ve been making such SMALL steps for a good long while. It’s hard to feel crushed over microscopic failures, and not easy to be exuberant over minor successes. The physical symptoms make it just THAT much harder to manage consistency. I am glad to have your input and support. Truly. Thank you. I am doing something wholly terrifying, and still going forward, every day… holding on for dear life.

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