40 Days Beyond The Intended End

I was thinking: “I’ll take a sample size that compares with the first data series I collected, then stop.”

But that was more than 40 days ago. I still find it useful to chart my moods, because it provides both current and relevant data on my stability.

40 Days Since

About every 10-15 days, I swing down pretty hard. And unexpectedly, based on previous results. Now, I’m beginning to see my BiPolar pattern emerging, despite the medications. I may need to increase my mood stabilizer, Lamictal. We’ll see when I talk to my doctor on the 12th.

Brighter days ahead. With luck…

Response from JaGnAr… I Must Be A Fucking Asshat

Sorry it has taken me a while to get back to you. Honestly, your email really offended me. I am not out of the loop. You were calling me all the time when you needed things from me before Jax came- hotel, flights, I sent you money for xmas to help you get furniture for the new place I knew you were trying to get, I responded to your emails when you were having a hard time living with Mom and Dad. We have been out of touch since she moved to San Diego, but I ask Mom and Dad about you guys all the time.

My life is no more important than anyone else, especially not yours, and it really bothers me that you blame the reason for our disconnect on an assumption that I am doing things that are “vastly more relevant”. You have never been a great communicator with me and I feel like you only reach out when you need something or, in this case, when you are justifying something that you realize hurt my feeling. IE- positing your engagement on Facebook before telling me.

So I will be honest. I do not agree with your rushed need to get married again and think you are making a selfish decision. I was supportive, albeit apprehensive, about your quick move to fly Jax out and just start living together even though you had never met in person. I am really happy that you have found someone that can help you through your struggles and that you want to spend your life with. I think you have taken enormous steps the last few months but don’t understand this sense of urgency to get married. From my perspective, you are doing the same thing that you did with Jen and Em.

I think that getting married is an adult decision and a big deal. You are not fully independent from Mom and Dad and yet want to make all these decisions as if they don’t impact us. Why not wait until you’re financially stable, have a car and have had more time to get to know Jax before getting married? Mom and Dad have been there for you financially and emotionally and will always be there for both of us but it feels like you are taking advantage of that by making a decision that in the end, if it doesn’t work will greatly impact them, and me. We have all been there for you after Jen and Em. Can’t you just take this a little slower and try to get all aspects of your life together before getting married again? You love Jax, she loves you, just be in love and live together and save money and be your own people.

You live in a world were you think your mistakes and hardships in life have not effected all of us. You stopped talking to us for a year when you were with Jen and  let her treat Mom and Dad like shit in there own home .  Your rushed relationship with Em, and not really knowing who she was when you moved in together resulted in such terrible fights that the police had to get called and she went to jail! I know you say you don’t want to be the center of attention, so don’t be. Just have a normal relationship for a while. Please don’t take advantage of Mom and Dad anymore by making decisions as if they won’t effect them. ALL of your relationships have had huge impacts on our family and this one seems no different. If you want to get married again great, but why don’t you become your own independent person first. Stop taking money from Mom and Dad when they don’t have money to give you. Prove that you are an adult and act like one instead of making all these irrational quick decisions that hurt all of us when they fail. Stop being so selfish for once Eric.

It sounds like it doesn’t matter how any of us feel, you are going to do what you want to do, but I am not going to pretend like I don’t care. You are not my kid but my sibling and I have sat back for a long time when I thought that your decisions were irrational and would hurt the family and they have.

If you and Jax are happy and in love then work on that, work on being financially stable and then get married. Why do you have to rush to the last step when so many of the other steps to staying stable are not in place. Mom and Dad can’t support you forever, think about them and show all of us that this is the real thing by making it real and not rushing into as you have in the past.

I hope for the best with you and Jax, but I am being honest that I will not support your decision to rush your relationship again,  regardless of where that leaves our relationship.



So, I’m really sorry that the first message I sent produced any fuel for this response. I feel genuinely crushed about that. I’m not sure what to make of your reply to my message. A lot of emotions are wrapped up in this charged response, I think. If anything, I thought myself resigned and subordinate in tone and demeanor, not assertive or presumptuous. Or, that was my intent.

I’m really sorry you are upset. That’s honestly the last thing I was hoping to do. I’m regretful of the way I phrased things; or perhaps disregarded something that has now struck a nerve. I’m not sure, but either way, I’m sorry. Truly.

I’m sad that you would be ok with sending me this response. It really hurts to read some of the things you said in there. I’m not taking offense, or even holding any of this against you in resentment. You are always my sister, and I love you. Regardless of trauma, or extenuating circumstance: we are blood, and I never stop caring about you. I accept that I only see a small piece of the whole picture of your world, and don’t fully comprehend how or why these words came to be directed at me. I am deeply sorry for my contribution to your frustration. I must seem rather deplorable to then deserve this letter’s contents .

In short, I apologize. It was never my intent to seem anything other than appreciative of the life I have now. I am thankful, every day, to and for those who have contributed to my continued existence. I continue to work hard, and be respectful. I’m doing the best I can. I try really hard to do right, I fuck it up sometimes, but overall, I think I’m doing good.

I hope you can understand that I am only sad, and sorry.

Ridiculous Frozen Water Behaviors

So, it snowed in the local mountains, and since Birdy has never actually been in the snow, we pretty much had to go.

But who is the bigger idiot in the snow?

What That Taste Like

Think I have the market cornered on stupid.


Yes, I just did that.

Ad it only gets better…

Boy Meets Snow

A good example of someone who is not going totally insane because the water on the ground is frozen. But still pretty fucking excited:

First Snow Face

And then there’s me…

About to Regret

Just a couple of dorks enjoying the snow. Hope you enjoyed the freak-show…

Cold Dorks

Letter to JaGnAr (My Sister)

So, It’s been like 1/2 a year since I’ve seen you or something. It’s been long enough that I’ve let you, stupidly, fall out of the “loop.”

It’s my fault, and I just assume your life is WAY more important than mine, and the things you do are VASTLY more relevant. So I haven’t bugged you in a while.

Truth is, my odd little mentally ill life has taken a turn for the better since early November 2012. I met someone through that blog I have where I talk about being mentally ill, and expressing creativity. I fell for her, even though she lived in Gainesville, FL. Rather, WE fell for each other. Since that time, I have been aggressively working towards independence, and a life that includes her.

I saved, got a job, got an apartment, got her a plane ticket, and now we are physically together. Working on an etsy site, looking for opportunities, and generally, living life together in a productive and beneficial way.

It’s pretty obvious to me that this wonderful woman is going to help me be healthy. AND VERY AWARE of my mental illness, it’s tendencies, down-swings, all that. She too struggles with deep depression. We watch out for each other. We are keenly aware of the plights of this condition, and are actively involved in maintaining a healthy, happy environment to thrive in.

I hope this sounds different than before. I have struggled with a partner, in the past, who really didn’t get my illness, or know how to cope with it, when things got bad. Jax is like me… so in short, she gets it. She understands. I understand HER too. It’s a “click” that I never thought possible.

I wanted you to know, that getting married to this woman is, in my mind, just not a huge deal. We are basically as close as two people can get to each other, and effusively in love. I’ve never been as happy as I am now.

I did not think this would be relevant news. I have already been married once, and BOY DO I NOT WANT TO BE IN THE SPOTLIGHT AGAIN FOR THAT REASON. People wasted time, money, and energy on a relationship I KNEW was doomed to fail. I knew it, and didn’t do anything about it, because I can be a real chicken-shit person sometimes. I didn’t want you to be all like: “Oh, again? Really?” That’s how I feel other members of the family might see this.

We are going the courthouse-to-social-security-office route. No frills whatsoever. I just want to be a family with her. I want her to be with me forever. I want no one but her.

But I ALREADY KNEW THIS. Hence, the whole flying her out here and building a life in the same apartment… thing. So this move is no surprise to me. And not much of one for Moo and Daddo, as they have seen first hand how insanely ridiculously in love we are.

So, It’s not really news. And it’s not something I’m bragging about, or even telling anyone. I just don’t see it as important enough for anyone else to interrupt their life for.

Mom wants to have a party… I’m not sure we’ll even do that.

Again, it’s not because I don’t care about you JaGnAr, I’s because I don’t want you to pause your whole life to hear about your mentally ill brother’s SECOND marriage. I mean, as long as I’m doing well, that’s what’s important. Which I am.

So, I’m sorry if you feel slighted. It’s just not a big deal. We act like an old married couple as it is. Seriously. So, have a good day. And keep kicking ass.


There Are We

Wed in the deep

Bent to sorrow

And closed to outside blows.

Cool, crisp winter wind



Follow the trail of pain together

Winding through groaning trees–

Biting the sky

Fighting for breath

Don’t let me go.



When she, yes

I am bright with smiles

Tearful in reunion,

Gambling on destiny,

Part from me, not–

In these, vows, screaming

On the air and in the shrill of night:

I love you!

I love you!

Be mine, in darkness.

We dance slow; burning,

My wife.

My only,

Until we are at the end









That Was Close…

Far too close to have NOT BEEN NOTICED WHATSOEVER. We have thousands of eyes looking for these NEOs (Near Earth Objects) and yet, we let this MONSTER get by totally unnoticed. I thought my parents were kidding when they said that this happened. I don’t know… but maybe we should be looking a TAD closer at these potential CIVILIZATION ENDING objects more carefully.

I live 18 miles from the Pacific Ocean. It’s the largest ocean on the planet. It has, by far, the most open surface area of water ANYWHERE. If one of these fuckers hits in the middle of the ocean, the tsunami generated would kill me, and every other person living on the west coast of the US. There would be no escaping the wave. I might survive if I started driving IMMEDIATELY after impact, and took off for the 4000 feet above sea level mountains. Even then, a shock-wave tsunami might stretch thousands of feet into the sky, and go inland for miles before losing inertia.

Now I have a real reason to have a backup plan. But really, if THAT is the way I go out, It’s not too bad a way to go. I’d LIKE to survive, but he probability is pretty low.

Time will tell.

It’s pretty difficult to locate a piece of spinning soot-covered, non-reflective black rock in the vast empty dark of space. We only REALLY notice NEOs when they obstruct something. That’s not a great way to find our potential doom, methinks. Maybe we could spend some of our budget on making sure that does not happen…?

Cherish, Hold, Try

Better days are ahead. Every day, I do the best I can. I try hard, I don’t give up. I wonder if my job will keep me on… but I’m not sure. Really, they have been reminding me FREQUENTLY of my apparent lack of productivity. Maybe they will cut me loose. I can’t see why, though. I can do better… I know it. I am learning a lot of new things. AND I am willing to learn, every day, how to do better; how to be a better person. I’m trying SO HARD. I hope I get to keep working. I want to show how much I care about doing it right.

I want to believe things are getting better. I know I will not stop trying. Giving my effort, and time, to proving myself… really only to myself. I have nothing to prove to the world. I EARN my own pride. I am responsible for my own respect. I am in charge of my life, as much as one can be. I’m taking steps forward; not falling back too far. It’s ok though. I have to keep chugging along. I try to head in a forward direction…

I hope for the best. Hope. Hope. Trying.

I want to write a poem soon… trying to find the words behind these wild feelings. I don’t really know how to describe the frustration of trying hard, and being unacknowledged, and instead, scrutinized. I know they don’t INTEND to criticize, but, have I earned this? Have I really done so poorly as to warrant such action? Is it not evident to those who care how HARD I try? I’m doing the best I can.

I want. But instead, I struggle. I ache inside, sometimes…

Hold on to thoughts for me. Hold good feelings inside you, for my sake. I don’t know what it means to do that… but somehow it makes me feel better, knowing SOMEONE out there has hope for me.

Ground In Time

Decayed places

Faces, lost in the turning cog

Distant polarity

Swinging on the pendulum

Twisting in the wind


Burning with friction-fire

Blue and purple flame

Bright star in the dark


I live in shadows

Doubt precludes want

In the mire of memory

Straining with the constant–

Never-ceasing regret

Of error

Of lives shattered and gone

Can’t forget



My eyes are streaming

Windows breaking

Lenses bending the light

Into violet nothings



Birdy and I are playing Unreal Tournament (the first one). And BOY DO I REGRET IT. I am now REGULARLY PWNED by her, as she has become rediculously accurate with the Flak Cannon. Not much to do there but get my shit handed to me, consistently, regardless of my weapon selection.


Far and away the leader with that weapon, and leader overall with a weapon, period.

I USED to be good, and my numbers reflect SOME of that goodness. I guess I need to figure out a way to own her without getting anywhere near the constant death that is my fiance.


I guess this is good… but I was able to do this PRIMARILY while she was getting better. Before the rise of JaxMaster, I used to have some STELLAR games. Just, crazy.

Settings on our server look like this: 75 frags and you WIN OUTRIGHT, but leader after 10 minutes is automatically champion.

NO Redeemer, No Relic of Vengance (but all the others), Chainsaw Melee (fuck the Impact Hammer), Translocator, 12 players total (10 – 11 bots).

Particularly proud of this line:


I had 11 deaths, and at least 2 of those were self-inflicted. Nice.

I’ll let you know IF I can put a stop to her rampages. Not counting on it though.

A love of Geology, turned into art through the natural expression of stone, and skill.

Honor Horology

Something we greatly enjoy about our process is that we actively go out to rock and mineral gathering areas and find raw minerals. We’ll spend all day out in the gorgeous desert collecting hunks of quartz and jaspers, just enjoying ourselves. Afterwards we’ll lug our treasure trove home pick through, ogle, and separate into groups for tumbling. Now they’re not terribly rare, these stones we find, but I think that’s part of beauty. Now a days it seems we put emphasis on the perfect and rare, when there is untold beauty in the very rocks beneath us. We find these quartz, jaspers and agates, and accentuate the already vibrant colors and inclusions they possess. Sometimes the inclusions are the best parts. I love how active a process our jewelry is in creating beauty from the unexpected.

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BlUrK nUrKiD


Brognarp murt bragooble gorp. Dobbnarp hootenfroop nurktargledorf mungplungeatord. Jungplarfertorg, munter proogen blarf. Grapenglorp durknarg mangly storpen bloop. Gropenhaiver nark nark nark. Murpglooben plogerpoid magoobradaze. Nub blecken hoovenproop, matrongaboid murp glop ploop.

Margooben frooberpait. Extroogertor groogle plarf nurkenfroog magoobradishmangleichengrop. Groaf.




On the reaching grass

Down on the bottom

Straining and twanging

Purple with hate

Angry vibrations

Tickle the belly of hate

And water pounds

Crushing despair

Under the feet

Of putrid misery

Stained by bile

The hand turns on the clock

And memories burning

Grinding resilience

Into a fine powder

Cast into the wind

My beautiful Birdy and my Moo together creating new, beautiful artwork. Please give it a look!

Honor Horology

Coral Restoration     The background of this is actually a tree, but when I was playing around with the components I found placing the clock face over the trunk of the tree made it look like coral. Which my roommate at the time also pointed out. I loved it. Wiring the gears on sort of kept with the growth pattern the coral made, and to me it seemed as if the industrial parts were rebuilding the coral.

[ For Sale Here ]

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The Blame Game

An employee (disgruntled) bashed the company I work for on our public email service, informing all the company of his resignation, indignation and outrage. While unfounded, it shook a lot of people up, I imagine. I had this to say in response; emailed it directly to the owner of the company:

Every day that I get to come in to work, I am both thankful and proud. Personal responsibility is a big deal to me. I take care of my life outside work, my well-being and the issues involved in that; I do not expect the company to be accountable for the random or self-induced calamity involved in my personal domain. I agreed, when I joined Tech 2U, that I would provide a service, use my skills and learn, every day, how to be a better employee. It is my personal responsibility to do those things, as per our implicit understanding when I joined this team. I am very happy working for you, and thankful that you would consider expanding my role as a member of a company I am boastful about belonging to.

So, honestly and truly, thank you John. Every hire is a gamble on whether or not your decision will work out for the benefit of the company. I want you to know, personally, that I try hard every day, and will not stop holding myself to a rigorous standard. I aspire to achieve, and want you to be reassured in your decision to hire me. I am grateful, humble and appreciative.

With thanks

Westin Eric Bailey

My mega-boss had this to say in reply:

Thanks Westin. We’re really glad to have you on the team and very proud of the job you’re doing for Tech 2U.

Todd and I are very disappointed in the actions of one of our employees, Mike H, who sent a very inappropriate email last night so it was very nice to read this message from you this morning.  I really appreciate it Westin and I appreciate your good values, virtues and loyalty.  If you ever need anything, just let me know.

Would you do me a favor and resend this email addressed to me and Todd (after all Todd is the greatest partner anyone could ever have and I could never run this business without him) and to TECH2U_ALL. I think it would be a good morale boost for the rest of the crew since everyone was unexpectedly put in an awkward position by Mike H.  I think Tech 2U will get a lot of good responses and turn a negative into a positive today :)



I was happy to share my thoughts with everyone, and did. I am also a good person, and stand for things. This happens to be a place of not compromising, for me. Period. I give my best, and will continue to do so for as long as they let me.