40 Days Beyond The Intended End

I was thinking: “I’ll take a sample size that compares with the first data series I collected, then stop.”

But that was more than 40 days ago. I still find it useful to chart my moods, because it provides both current and relevant data on my stability.

40 Days Since

About every 10-15 days, I swing down pretty hard. And unexpectedly, based on previous results. Now, I’m beginning to see my BiPolar pattern emerging, despite the medications. I may need to increase my mood stabilizer, Lamictal. We’ll see when I talk to my doctor on the 12th.

Brighter days ahead. With luck…

Response from JaGnAr… I Must Be A Fucking Asshat

Sorry it has taken me a while to get back to you. Honestly, your email really offended me. I am not out of the loop. You were calling me all the time when you needed things from me before Jax came- hotel, flights, I sent you money for xmas to help you get furniture for the new place I knew you were trying to get, I responded to your emails when you were having a hard time living with Mom and Dad. We have been out of touch since she moved to San Diego, but I ask Mom and Dad about you guys all the time.

My life is no more important than anyone else, especially not yours, and it really bothers me that you blame the reason for our disconnect on an assumption that I am doing things that are “vastly more relevant”. You have never been a great communicator with me and I feel like you only reach out when you need something or, in this case, when you are justifying something that you realize hurt my feeling. IE- positing your engagement on Facebook before telling me.

So I will be honest. I do not agree with your rushed need to get married again and think you are making a selfish decision. I was supportive, albeit apprehensive, about your quick move to fly Jax out and just start living together even though you had never met in person. I am really happy that you have found someone that can help you through your struggles and that you want to spend your life with. I think you have taken enormous steps the last few months but don’t understand this sense of urgency to get married. From my perspective, you are doing the same thing that you did with Jen and Em.

I think that getting married is an adult decision and a big deal. You are not fully independent from Mom and Dad and yet want to make all these decisions as if they don’t impact us. Why not wait until you’re financially stable, have a car and have had more time to get to know Jax before getting married? Mom and Dad have been there for you financially and emotionally and will always be there for both of us but it feels like you are taking advantage of that by making a decision that in the end, if it doesn’t work will greatly impact them, and me. We have all been there for you after Jen and Em. Can’t you just take this a little slower and try to get all aspects of your life together before getting married again? You love Jax, she loves you, just be in love and live together and save money and be your own people.

You live in a world were you think your mistakes and hardships in life have not effected all of us. You stopped talking to us for a year when you were with Jen and  let her treat Mom and Dad like shit in there own home .  Your rushed relationship with Em, and not really knowing who she was when you moved in together resulted in such terrible fights that the police had to get called and she went to jail! I know you say you don’t want to be the center of attention, so don’t be. Just have a normal relationship for a while. Please don’t take advantage of Mom and Dad anymore by making decisions as if they won’t effect them. ALL of your relationships have had huge impacts on our family and this one seems no different. If you want to get married again great, but why don’t you become your own independent person first. Stop taking money from Mom and Dad when they don’t have money to give you. Prove that you are an adult and act like one instead of making all these irrational quick decisions that hurt all of us when they fail. Stop being so selfish for once Eric.

It sounds like it doesn’t matter how any of us feel, you are going to do what you want to do, but I am not going to pretend like I don’t care. You are not my kid but my sibling and I have sat back for a long time when I thought that your decisions were irrational and would hurt the family and they have.

If you and Jax are happy and in love then work on that, work on being financially stable and then get married. Why do you have to rush to the last step when so many of the other steps to staying stable are not in place. Mom and Dad can’t support you forever, think about them and show all of us that this is the real thing by making it real and not rushing into as you have in the past.

I hope for the best with you and Jax, but I am being honest that I will not support your decision to rush your relationship again,  regardless of where that leaves our relationship.



So, I’m really sorry that the first message I sent produced any fuel for this response. I feel genuinely crushed about that. I’m not sure what to make of your reply to my message. A lot of emotions are wrapped up in this charged response, I think. If anything, I thought myself resigned and subordinate in tone and demeanor, not assertive or presumptuous. Or, that was my intent.

I’m really sorry you are upset. That’s honestly the last thing I was hoping to do. I’m regretful of the way I phrased things; or perhaps disregarded something that has now struck a nerve. I’m not sure, but either way, I’m sorry. Truly.

I’m sad that you would be ok with sending me this response. It really hurts to read some of the things you said in there. I’m not taking offense, or even holding any of this against you in resentment. You are always my sister, and I love you. Regardless of trauma, or extenuating circumstance: we are blood, and I never stop caring about you. I accept that I only see a small piece of the whole picture of your world, and don’t fully comprehend how or why these words came to be directed at me. I am deeply sorry for my contribution to your frustration. I must seem rather deplorable to then deserve this letter’s contents .

In short, I apologize. It was never my intent to seem anything other than appreciative of the life I have now. I am thankful, every day, to and for those who have contributed to my continued existence. I continue to work hard, and be respectful. I’m doing the best I can. I try really hard to do right, I fuck it up sometimes, but overall, I think I’m doing good.

I hope you can understand that I am only sad, and sorry.

Ridiculous Frozen Water Behaviors

So, it snowed in the local mountains, and since Birdy has never actually been in the snow, we pretty much had to go.

But who is the bigger idiot in the snow?

What That Taste Like

Think I have the market cornered on stupid.


Yes, I just did that.

Ad it only gets better…

Boy Meets Snow

A good example of someone who is not going totally insane because the water on the ground is frozen. But still pretty fucking excited:

First Snow Face

And then there’s me…

About to Regret

Just a couple of dorks enjoying the snow. Hope you enjoyed the freak-show…

Cold Dorks

Letter to JaGnAr (My Sister)

So, It’s been like 1/2 a year since I’ve seen you or something. It’s been long enough that I’ve let you, stupidly, fall out of the “loop.”

It’s my fault, and I just assume your life is WAY more important than mine, and the things you do are VASTLY more relevant. So I haven’t bugged you in a while.

Truth is, my odd little mentally ill life has taken a turn for the better since early November 2012. I met someone through that blog I have where I talk about being mentally ill, and expressing creativity. I fell for her, even though she lived in Gainesville, FL. Rather, WE fell for each other. Since that time, I have been aggressively working towards independence, and a life that includes her.

I saved, got a job, got an apartment, got her a plane ticket, and now we are physically together. Working on an etsy site, looking for opportunities, and generally, living life together in a productive and beneficial way.

It’s pretty obvious to me that this wonderful woman is going to help me be healthy. AND VERY AWARE of my mental illness, it’s tendencies, down-swings, all that. She too struggles with deep depression. We watch out for each other. We are keenly aware of the plights of this condition, and are actively involved in maintaining a healthy, happy environment to thrive in.

I hope this sounds different than before. I have struggled with a partner, in the past, who really didn’t get my illness, or know how to cope with it, when things got bad. Jax is like me… so in short, she gets it. She understands. I understand HER too. It’s a “click” that I never thought possible.

I wanted you to know, that getting married to this woman is, in my mind, just not a huge deal. We are basically as close as two people can get to each other, and effusively in love. I’ve never been as happy as I am now.

I did not think this would be relevant news. I have already been married once, and BOY DO I NOT WANT TO BE IN THE SPOTLIGHT AGAIN FOR THAT REASON. People wasted time, money, and energy on a relationship I KNEW was doomed to fail. I knew it, and didn’t do anything about it, because I can be a real chicken-shit person sometimes. I didn’t want you to be all like: “Oh, again? Really?” That’s how I feel other members of the family might see this.

We are going the courthouse-to-social-security-office route. No frills whatsoever. I just want to be a family with her. I want her to be with me forever. I want no one but her.

But I ALREADY KNEW THIS. Hence, the whole flying her out here and building a life in the same apartment… thing. So this move is no surprise to me. And not much of one for Moo and Daddo, as they have seen first hand how insanely ridiculously in love we are.

So, It’s not really news. And it’s not something I’m bragging about, or even telling anyone. I just don’t see it as important enough for anyone else to interrupt their life for.

Mom wants to have a party… I’m not sure we’ll even do that.

Again, it’s not because I don’t care about you JaGnAr, I’s because I don’t want you to pause your whole life to hear about your mentally ill brother’s SECOND marriage. I mean, as long as I’m doing well, that’s what’s important. Which I am.

So, I’m sorry if you feel slighted. It’s just not a big deal. We act like an old married couple as it is. Seriously. So, have a good day. And keep kicking ass.


There Are We

Wed in the deep

Bent to sorrow

And closed to outside blows.

Cool, crisp winter wind



Follow the trail of pain together

Winding through groaning trees–

Biting the sky

Fighting for breath

Don’t let me go.



When she, yes

I am bright with smiles

Tearful in reunion,

Gambling on destiny,

Part from me, not–

In these, vows, screaming

On the air and in the shrill of night:

I love you!

I love you!

Be mine, in darkness.

We dance slow; burning,

My wife.

My only,

Until we are at the end









That Was Close…

Far too close to have NOT BEEN NOTICED WHATSOEVER. We have thousands of eyes looking for these NEOs (Near Earth Objects) and yet, we let this MONSTER get by totally unnoticed. I thought my parents were kidding when they said that this happened. I don’t know… but maybe we should be looking a TAD closer at these potential CIVILIZATION ENDING objects more carefully.

I live 18 miles from the Pacific Ocean. It’s the largest ocean on the planet. It has, by far, the most open surface area of water ANYWHERE. If one of these fuckers hits in the middle of the ocean, the tsunami generated would kill me, and every other person living on the west coast of the US. There would be no escaping the wave. I might survive if I started driving IMMEDIATELY after impact, and took off for the 4000 feet above sea level mountains. Even then, a shock-wave tsunami might stretch thousands of feet into the sky, and go inland for miles before losing inertia.

Now I have a real reason to have a backup plan. But really, if THAT is the way I go out, It’s not too bad a way to go. I’d LIKE to survive, but he probability is pretty low.

Time will tell.

It’s pretty difficult to locate a piece of spinning soot-covered, non-reflective black rock in the vast empty dark of space. We only REALLY notice NEOs when they obstruct something. That’s not a great way to find our potential doom, methinks. Maybe we could spend some of our budget on making sure that does not happen…?