Cherish, Hold, Try

Better days are ahead. Every day, I do the best I can. I try hard, I don’t give up. I wonder if my job will keep me on… but I’m not sure. Really, they have been reminding me FREQUENTLY of my apparent lack of productivity. Maybe they will cut me loose. I can’t see why, though. I can do better… I know it. I am learning a lot of new things. AND I am willing to learn, every day, how to do better; how to be a better person. I’m trying SO HARD. I hope I get to keep working. I want to show how much I care about doing it right.

I want to believe things are getting better. I know I will not stop trying. Giving my effort, and time, to proving myself… really only to myself. I have nothing to prove to the world. I EARN my own pride. I am responsible for my own respect. I am in charge of my life, as much as one can be. I’m taking steps forward; not falling back too far. It’s ok though. I have to keep chugging along. I try to head in a forward direction…

I hope for the best. Hope. Hope. Trying.

I want to write a poem soon… trying to find the words behind these wild feelings. I don’t really know how to describe the frustration of trying hard, and being unacknowledged, and instead, scrutinized. I know they don’t INTEND to criticize, but, have I earned this? Have I really done so poorly as to warrant such action? Is it not evident to those who care how HARD I try? I’m doing the best I can.

I want. But instead, I struggle. I ache inside, sometimes…

Hold on to thoughts for me. Hold good feelings inside you, for my sake. I don’t know what it means to do that… but somehow it makes me feel better, knowing SOMEONE out there has hope for me.