Noise and Flailing Limbs

I can’t really comprehend my sister most of the time. Even the allegedly sacred domain of family is often a place easily trampled… despite my personal beliefs. I guess it’s easier to abuse family, since you somehow know they’re in it “for the long-haul.” Stuck with you… regardless. It’s easy to take them for granted, excommunicate them, or otherwise torture them with words, whether they deserve it or not.

My sister must have some extenuating circumstances that I am (blissfully) unaware of that cause her such resentment of me… or so I hope (as this makes more sense than outright hatred of me). Frankly, at this point, I just don’t want to “play” anymore. I’m not in this to create meaningless drama, or subsequently respond to abuse with anger. I just don’t care. I have a lot of other, meaningful things to be concerned about. So, I go forward, not backward.

I have such a great life right now: my WIFE and I are happy, stable, and getting better every day. I don’t have the time or inclination to entertain the ignorance of one perturbed family member.

She has continued to spew vile and noxious words in my  “general direction…” and I’m tuning them out at this point. Since even the public forum by which I share my thoughts here is scrutinized for gossip, I chose not to play, or evoke any more tantrums; though this transmission my incite more flailing of limbs, gnashing of teeth and subsequent tearing of clothes. Possibly shoe-throwing as well…

Maybe she thinks my past behavior is a result of intentional action, and not the byproduct of the beginnings of my disability? Maybe she could care less that I am disabled, and struggle DAILY to be a high-functioning person? Maybe she just doesn’t get it, or care to, because it’s too foreign a thought to her? I’m tired of speculating. I wish for understanding, not prejudice. I get judgement and am chastised unfairly. Am I really such an asshole?

I have nightmares about this situation. My sleep has been affected the last several nights. I tried to “hurry” my life along recently, by applying for a loan to get a car… but many around me have noticed this, and pulled the reigns back on me. And with reason: I was taking on more than I would have been able to support, based on a feeling of pressure from my sister’s high-standards of life-scrutiny. Like I still wasn’t good enough to get respect, or anything at all that could be looked at as positive. I have to be fully independent and well-established, and perhaps meeting some “yet to be decided” criteria invented to make me struggle harder. Meh.

It’s not like I have not tried. I admit, we are VASTLY different people. And under normal circumstances, I would not befriend a person similar to her. She has nothing in common with me. She shares noting with me, and resents me for a disturbing childhood full of fights, angry words, and regret. I can’t fix that. I have moved on, hoping for something new to grow. Frankly, I just don’t care anymore. It’s worth little to me to invest in a dead-end relationship. She has made that abundantly clear of late.

I guess, in that sense, she’s right. I really have not given it the effort it probably deserves. I should have tried harder to be a better brother. But I can’t change the past, and I’m doing my best to make a better future.

In the end, I’m still without a sister, and dealing with a nonsensical drama created by her, which has more collateral damage for my parents to deal with. As usual, her bad behavior has her locked in her room, screaming and crying through the seams of the shut and locked door, demanding attention, expressing contempt and outrage, and for what? Who cares…

2 thoughts on “Noise and Flailing Limbs

  1. There will come a day, believe me, that your sister will regret her treatment of you. It may be a long way off, but if she has a shred of decency, she will be sorry! Until then, you are playing it smart by not playing her games and living your life as you see fit and you are able!

    Remember the old adage, you can pick your friends..you can’t pick your family. But, you can make the choice to let them in your life or shut them out if they are hurting you!

    • I talked a lot about this in therapy, and how I have no real reason to take her words to heart. I am living a good life that I am proud of, and that’s all that really matters. Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate the understanding. =)

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