JaGnAr,

I have been thinking a lot about how to write you a response to recent events and words exchanged. Not only that, but a reply to a history of things that has never been fully addressed. To be honest, I have hoped to mostly forget the bad things that have happened in the past. And I have for the most part; but I realize that this is not a solution. It’s a way to not take responsibility for my mistakes, and there are legitimate reasons to “own” my actions. For my own self-dignity, and for all those involved in my past actions, I write this letter.

I want you to truly know that I believe, in my heart, that I have been a terrible brother to you. I have abused you emotionally, physically and betrayed your trust on countless occasions. I hardly ever stood by your side. I rarely defended you from Mom and Dad, when your situation would have benefited from it. I never “covered” for you, I consistently “ratted you out” instead. I was unreliable, malicious and seriously inconsistent. I have been violent and disturbed at times, and other instances uncaring and apathetic. I know many things happened; trauma repeated upon itself and never answered for. I was never accountable for my actions, and you know I have been deserving of discipline for the things I have done, but never had my comeuppance. I tried to escape responsibility for a long time, but I realize we will never be friends, let alone kin, unless I fully embrace and become the owner of my past actions.

I regret… so much that it hurts and burns inside me. I could have been your friend, but I chose not to understand or be empathetic of you. I set myself in opposition to you, and set us on the path of conflict. I truly and deeply ache with sadness over this. I know now what kind of manipulative and ignorant person I was, and in some ways, I still am. I am sorry. Honestly, and deeply… I regret how I treated you, especially during that time when you and I “held down” the house while Mom and Dad lived in Sacramento. I have betrayed your trust, and made myself an alien of friendship and familial bonds between us. I am sorry. I apologize, and ask for your forgiveness for these things.

I have been subject to manipulation in the past, especially the way I cast out our parents during the time I was with Jen. I let myself be manipulated, controlled and dominated by a truly bitter and arrogant woman. I had no strength to stand up for what I believed in, and I regret this tremendously. I betrayed you first, then Mom and Dad. I have hurt our family, many times, and I am crushed by the weight of guilt over these things. I would also ask for forgiveness for this as well.

Most importantly, I want you to know I have always loved you as my sister. I am forever your brother, despite how different we have become, and how distant our lives are from each other. I care about you, as a brother should for his little sister. I have been misguided, broken and altogether wicked in my past behavior. I know I hurt you. Badly. And I am so sorry for that. It’s not who I am now. But I own that it was still me, and still my responsibility to account for it. I did those things to you, and against you. And for that, I will forever be at the mercy of your forgiveness.

I want you to also know, that without the right daily medication supplements, I am a very fucked-up, disturbed and not-normal person. I can’t function like you can, unless I take several neurochemical inhibitors, every single day, for the rest of my life. My brain is actually broken, and does not work right. It uses up transmitter-chemicals that otherwise allow it to function normally, and does not replace them as it should. I have tried to kill myself in the past. I have been in altered states, where I have done and been capable of terrible abuse, both mental and physical.

It’s still my responsibility to own these things, and I know now how hard I have to work so that I don’t become that reprehensible person, who is totally out of control otherwise. I don’t ever want to go back to that state of being, and I have vowed not to. For as long as I am here, alive, I have to constantly fight my dysfunctional brain. It’s terrible when the enemy I fear most is me. I have a lot to atone for, despite this disadvantage, because I 100% am still responsible for what I do, say and condone.

I know that now, though I had not known it before. I am asking you, sincerely, to understand that I am permanently disabled, but willing to acknowledge what harm I caused you and others, and ask forgiveness for those actions. I am still me. I still direct my life. I will never forget the things I have done, the hurt I have caused. I ask you to let go of your animosity towards my past, and look beyond my mistakes, to who I am now: A person struggling for independence, and a life where I can be a part of the functioning world. I could be, instead, your mentally ill brother, who is in and out of psych hospitals, addicted to hard drugs, and living like a scab on the asshole of the world. Many people who have my disability are resigned to living that way. They surrender. But I am fighting. Every single day, I want to do good, be better and try my hardest. I am trying; I recognize that part of that is knowing how I have done wrong, and “owning” it.

So, I ask again for you to forgive me my mistakes, my inflicted traumas, and the hurt I have caused. Please Jenny. I just want to be your brother again. I feel like I have missed out on your life. And that is entirely my fault. I want to be a good person, and a helpful friend to you. Maybe this impassioned plea will reach accepting ears, but I will take whatever reply you form as a result of these words. I want to be your brother. Desperately. With all my heart, I want my sister back from where I pushed you: Far, far away. Please accept my most heartfelt and soulful apology I have ever given.

I truly look forward to seeing you in May. Hopefully, you can share that feeling with me.