Failing Me?

I can’t make rent this month on my own. I am a solid $200 in the red, or more.

I’m heartbroken over my current state, as I feel myself sliding down towards depression. I hurt, I struggle and attempt to endure despite disadvantages. Social security turned me down as well, as they think I’m not mentally ill and can handle the responsibilities of a mainstream person. Truth is, I am barely holding on. I’m doing the best I can to keep my little ship afloat.

I wish for stability. So far, I have not found it. I have been making side-jobs and extra money go a long way, but that is not going to last… as this month is a perfect indicator of. I can’t do this alone.

My parentoids are helping me this month. I know they love me, and understand what hardships I face, and what I go through to make my little snuggy life possible. It is just SO HARD to take that help, when I have such pride. I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN I say to myself. I CAN SURVIVE; I AM ALL GROWN UP NOW.

But I am coping. Dealing with these feelings of failure, and at the same time, reminding myself of how far I have come. I am doing good things. Working hard, pushing forward to a brighter tomorrow.

Hanging in.

I have not yet been handed my hat.

I love my wife, I love my direction. I am thankful, so very grateful, for all those who are helping me to succeed. I will not let you down. I will keep trying, and not give up on myself, or this life I am making. I have pride, for good or ill, and it drives me onward.

The Name Of My New Band!

In honor of the hysterically funny Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw radio program here in San Diego, I present the collected list of MY OWN PERSONAL names of my new bands collected over the past several months. Thanks for the GREAT IDEA Dave! Love your show!

  1. Sock On My Penis
  2. Pee In My Pie
  3. Poontang Nightmares
  4. You Have Butt In Your Mouth
  5. Underwear On My Head
  6. Dirty Sock Birdy
  7. Never Had Spicy Butthole
  8. I Can Taste The Chunks
  9. Slowly Open Your Butt
  10. Dicks On Fire
  11. Don’t Throw The Paper Doughnut
  12. Ripped-Up Butthole Syndrome
  13. Vaginal Farts
  14. Shart The Bed
  15. Spiky Butt Hair
  16. Pee In My Face
  17. This Sucks My Ass-Balls
  18. Secret Handjob In My Face
  19. Because My Penis Fell Off
  20. Making Duck Pizza
  21. Blind Me With Your Beard
  22. Rusty Dog Farts
  23. Underwear Bats
  24. I’m A Marshmallow Cactus
  25. Ride The Pickle-Pony
  26. Two Blobs Of Jelly Fighting In Space
  27. Oh Shit On A Noggin Toot
  28. Twitching Piles Of Piss And Shit
  29. OMG My Burritos Are Already Too Fat
  30. Foamy Butt-Spray
  31. Pinch The Brown Dog

And SURELY more to come as time passes…

Energy Chart

I will keep a numerical assessment value for mood as well as overall energy level each morning. These two integers represent a complete picture of symptoms, and how they correlate to my overall well-being. Or lack there of. Lately, I’ve been heading downhill… crying my eyes out yesterday before work feeling like I was a piece of shit. Feeling alone, and not worthy of love. My battery does not fully recharge anymore. Maybe it will soon. Initiating defensive measures against depression’s onset now.

Energy Level and Mood Score 1

Crontogulated

Feeling achingly slow lately. Chewing away at time, gnawing the precious marrow of happiness. I’m perplexed by emotion, and a victim of chemical imbalance. I began a very new regimen, designed to improve my constant twitching, sweating and otherwise anxious thoughts. My mind is cloudy, like a pond covered in lily-pads. The frogs of thought elude capture, and butterflies of reason flutter to higher altitudes. Persistent nightmares and uncomfortable rest keep me in a conscious torpor, as I bumble through reality on limited reserves. Plagued occasionally by symptoms and side effects, I journey on, despite the ever increasing weight of the one ring.

Metaphors and literary references ftw.

Wish me luck.