Failing Me?

I can’t make rent this month on my own. I am a solid $200 in the red, or more.

I’m heartbroken over my current state, as I feel myself sliding down towards depression. I hurt, I struggle and attempt to endure despite disadvantages. Social security turned me down as well, as they think I’m not mentally ill and can handle the responsibilities of a mainstream person. Truth is, I am barely holding on. I’m doing the best I can to keep my little ship afloat.

I wish for stability. So far, I have not found it. I have been making side-jobs and extra money go a long way, but that is not going to last… as this month is a perfect indicator of. I can’t do this alone.

My parentoids are helping me this month. I know they love me, and understand what hardships I face, and what I go through to make my little snuggy life possible. It is just SO HARD to take that help, when I have such pride. I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN I say to myself. I CAN SURVIVE; I AM ALL GROWN UP NOW.

But I am coping. Dealing with these feelings of failure, and at the same time, reminding myself of how far I have come. I am doing good things. Working hard, pushing forward to a brighter tomorrow.

Hanging in.

I have not yet been handed my hat.

I love my wife, I love my direction. I am thankful, so very grateful, for all those who are helping me to succeed. I will not let you down. I will keep trying, and not give up on myself, or this life I am making. I have pride, for good or ill, and it drives me onward.

The Name Of My New Band!

In honor of the hysterically funny Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw radio program here in San Diego, I present the collected list of MY OWN PERSONAL names of my new bands collected over the past several months. Thanks for the GREAT IDEA Dave! Love your show!

  1. Sock On My Penis
  2. Pee In My Pie
  3. Poontang Nightmares
  4. You Have Butt In Your Mouth
  5. Underwear On My Head
  6. Dirty Sock Birdy
  7. Never Had Spicy Butthole
  8. I Can Taste The Chunks
  9. Slowly Open Your Butt
  10. Dicks On Fire
  11. Don’t Throw The Paper Doughnut
  12. Ripped-Up Butthole Syndrome
  13. Vaginal Farts
  14. Shart The Bed
  15. Spiky Butt Hair
  16. Pee In My Face
  17. This Sucks My Ass-Balls
  18. Secret Handjob In My Face
  19. Because My Penis Fell Off
  20. Making Duck Pizza
  21. Blind Me With Your Beard
  22. Rusty Dog Farts
  23. Underwear Bats
  24. I’m A Marshmallow Cactus
  25. Ride The Pickle-Pony
  26. Two Blobs Of Jelly Fighting In Space
  27. Oh Shit On A Noggin Toot
  28. Twitching Piles Of Piss And Shit
  29. OMG My Burritos Are Already Too Fat
  30. Foamy Butt-Spray
  31. Pinch The Brown Dog

And SURELY more to come as time passes…

Energy Chart

I will keep a numerical assessment value for mood as well as overall energy level each morning. These two integers represent a complete picture of symptoms, and how they correlate to my overall well-being. Or lack there of. Lately, I’ve been heading downhill… crying my eyes out yesterday before work feeling like I was a piece of shit. Feeling alone, and not worthy of love. My battery does not fully recharge anymore. Maybe it will soon. Initiating defensive measures against depression’s onset now.

Energy Level and Mood Score 1


Feeling achingly slow lately. Chewing away at time, gnawing the precious marrow of happiness. I’m perplexed by emotion, and a victim of chemical imbalance. I began a very new regimen, designed to improve my constant twitching, sweating and otherwise anxious thoughts. My mind is cloudy, like a pond covered in lily-pads. The frogs of thought elude capture, and butterflies of reason flutter to higher altitudes. Persistent nightmares and uncomfortable rest keep me in a conscious torpor, as I bumble through reality on limited reserves. Plagued occasionally by symptoms and side effects, I journey on, despite the ever increasing weight of the one ring.

Metaphors and literary references ftw.

Wish me luck.

Productivity Pancakes

I feel scrunched sometimes, but I get through it with happy. I have a partner who understands my plight, and supports me when I am most toast-like. I am so deeply indebted to her for having found this silly little blog. She discovered me, and I would not let go of her having found the quality of her personality. Her radiance warms me when my zombie hands are cold. I feel her struggle, and I try my best to understand where I can help, and how. She learns, and laughs and genuinely brightens my life. I work hard and get crunched because it’s what makes me proud. And when I am most down, I remind myself of who I love, and I feel about her. Every day, I am snarfled, at least once, by the cutest girl I have ever seen. She adores me too, which is nice. I want to impress the holy monkey shit out of her every day. I want to be a productivity pancake for her, every day. I am a lucky man, because I was found to be hers.

While I ramble on about her, let me remind you of what a fucking kook I am. I am, seriously, the most ridiculous retard in the La Mesa area, and possibly the entire 91942 area code as well. I’m waiting on the results of the recent poll. It’s like me versus one other guy who is just a head in a jar. Stay tuned for a winner. Maybe by the end of this sentence, they will have counted all the votes…

Jacqueline, I utterly adore you, and am a goof-tard for you, every day. I’m so happy to have your love, and I promise you to take good care of it, and you, for the rest of my big dumb life.

I love you.

I’m a marshmallow cactus. Adieu.

A Sister Who Wants To Be Found

Hi Eric, I just wanted to say that it really meant to a lot to me that you wrote this. I know that we are not the closest but I think that talking about the past is a good step to getting closer in the future. As much as you think you have hurt me I believe that I have not been  as understanding of your mental struggles and am sorry for that. I agree, despite our differences and that we may always be really different people, you are my brother and I am happy for you. I am really happy that you are so happy.
I will write you more later, I’m not as good with words as you are but would like to talk more before May.




Condition of rampant exploding hate,

Perked with a taste of sadness,

Bellowing in the growling deep dark–

Where aches are born.

Alas, in false tranquility,

The ever-churning tumult–

And stagnant sweat on my fingers,

Gurgling and drowning in liquids,

Somewhere underneath this itch.

Peeling skin and chewing flesh,

Worthy of the pain,

The gnawing perturbations,

Ceaselessly twitch in the mire,

Succulent treat ensnared–

To be drained of its fluids–

And discarded as a husk.

Nails reduced to soggy nubs

Twisting rot of innards spilled

Boiling in a hot sidewalk sun

For all to see–

And laugh as they do–

Or do not…

But truly, unknown.

I can’t see behind the door–

Where the terror is surely waiting for me.

To My Sister, Who I Lost



I have been thinking a lot about how to write you a response to recent events and words exchanged. Not only that, but a reply to a history of things that has never been fully addressed. To be honest, I have hoped to mostly forget the bad things that have happened in the past. And I have for the most part; but I realize that this is not a solution. It’s a way to not take responsibility for my mistakes, and there are legitimate reasons to “own” my actions. For my own self-dignity, and for all those involved in my past actions, I write this letter.


I want you to truly know that I believe, in my heart, that I have been a terrible brother to you. I have abused you emotionally, physically and betrayed your trust on countless occasions. I hardly ever stood by your side. I rarely defended you from Mom and Dad, when your situation would have benefited from it. I never “covered” for you, I consistently “ratted you out” instead. I was unreliable, malicious and seriously inconsistent. I have been violent and disturbed at times, and other instances uncaring and apathetic. I know many things happened; trauma repeated upon itself and never answered for. I was never accountable for my actions, and you know I have been deserving of discipline for the things I have done, but never had my comeuppance. I tried to escape responsibility for a long time, but I realize we will never be friends, let alone kin, unless I fully embrace and become the owner of my past actions.


I regret… so much that it hurts and burns inside me. I could have been your friend, but I chose not to understand or be empathetic of you. I set myself in opposition to you, and set us on the path of conflict. I truly and deeply ache with sadness over this. I know now what kind of manipulative and ignorant person I was, and in some ways, I still am. I am sorry. Honestly, and deeply… I regret how I treated you, especially during that time when you and I “held down” the house while Mom and Dad lived in Sacramento. I have betrayed your trust, and made myself an alien of friendship and familial bonds between us. I am sorry. I apologize, and ask for your forgiveness for these things.


I have been subject to manipulation in the past, especially the way I cast out our parents during the time I was with Jen. I let myself be manipulated, controlled and dominated by a truly bitter and arrogant woman. I had no strength to stand up for what I believed in, and I regret this tremendously. I betrayed you first, then Mom and Dad. I have hurt our family, many times, and I am crushed by the weight of guilt over these things. I would also ask for forgiveness for this as well.


Most importantly, I want you to know I have always loved you as my sister. I am forever your brother, despite how different we have become, and how distant our lives are from each other. I care about you, as a brother should for his little sister. I have been misguided, broken and altogether wicked in my past behavior. I know I hurt you. Badly. And I am so sorry for that. It’s not who I am now. But I own that it was still me, and still my responsibility to account for it. I did those things to you, and against you. And for that, I will forever be at the mercy of your forgiveness.


I want you to also know, that without the right daily medication supplements, I am a very fucked-up, disturbed and not-normal person. I can’t function like you can, unless I take several neurochemical inhibitors, every single day, for the rest of my life. My brain is actually broken, and does not work right. It uses up transmitter-chemicals that otherwise allow it to function normally, and does not replace them as it should. I have tried to kill myself in the past. I have been in altered states, where I have done and been capable of terrible abuse, both mental and physical.


It’s still my responsibility to own these things, and I know now how hard I have to work so that I don’t become that reprehensible person, who is totally out of control otherwise. I don’t ever want to go back to that state of being, and I have vowed not to. For as long as I am here, alive, I have to constantly fight my dysfunctional brain. It’s terrible when the enemy I fear most is me. I have a lot to atone for, despite this disadvantage, because I 100% am still responsible for what I do, say and condone.


I know that now, though I had not known it before. I am asking you, sincerely, to understand that I am permanently disabled, but willing to acknowledge what harm I caused you and others, and ask forgiveness for those actions. I am still me. I still direct my life. I will never forget the things I have done, the hurt I have caused. I ask you to let go of your animosity towards my past, and look beyond my mistakes, to who I am now: A person struggling for independence, and a life where I can be a part of the functioning world. I could be, instead, your mentally ill brother, who is in and out of psych hospitals, addicted to hard drugs, and living like a scab on the asshole of the world. Many people who have my disability are resigned to living that way. They surrender. But I am fighting. Every single day, I want to do good, be better and try my hardest. I am trying; I recognize that part of that is knowing how I have done wrong, and “owning” it.


So, I ask again for you to forgive me my mistakes, my inflicted traumas, and the hurt I have caused. Please Jenny. I just want to be your brother again. I feel like I have missed out on your life. And that is entirely my fault. I want to be a good person, and a helpful friend to you. Maybe this impassioned plea will reach accepting ears, but I will take whatever reply you form as a result of these words. I want to be your brother. Desperately. With all my heart, I want my sister back from where I pushed you: Far, far away. Please accept my most heartfelt and soulful apology I have ever given.


I truly look forward to seeing you in May. Hopefully, you can share that feeling with me.

Detail Oriented?

Not sure what I’m going to call the Fantasy Football League I run this year, but for some reason, “Detail Oriented” fits the idea I had in mind. It speaks of a league focused in me minutia of scoring, settings and individual matchups; which is the precise reason I love the game. It’s my own opinions about talent in the NFL, expressed through craftiness, trades, intuition and guesses about matchups.

I’m not sure if my ideas are right, but I sure like them.

So, in order to achieve this “balance” I’ve so eloquently spoken of, I created an amazing MS Excel spreadsheet to do the scoring calculations for me. Since I have no access to the Yahoo! leagues for some time, I’m dedicated to discovering the optimal configuration that will yield a truly “fair and balanced” experience for those involved. I’m the Fox News of FFLs.


So, here’s what my roster card looks like from the Excel document. I make no promises about this being a final version, but it’s about as close as I think I’m going to get on team composition. 11 slots. Sound familiar?


Scores by position will convert game statistics into fantasy points per league rules, which are expressed on a different page. They amount to the EXACT scoring and settings configuration of the “soon-to-be” Yahoo! league that I will run.

Manual entry is for adding “projected stats” or some similar made-up number that is based on a guessed-at total for said player in his position slot. I find comparing actual vs. projected can yield some amusing results, so I added it there for fun.

I have toiled mightily over the precise settings and scoring options. I really would appreciate your feedback, if you have any. I’m 100% open to suggestion, or providing explanation for my logical processes.


I’m thinking, all told, it will be pretty fun. Whether players drop-out mid season or not, I know I’M going to have a blast. With these settings, there’s no chance for exploiting the settings. I’m looking forward to 2013, and I hope you are too.

Did I mention I’ve been given the OK to run my workplace FFL? I’m only a little fucking excited about that. I am probably going to use my scoring and settings there. Try it out on some nerds, see how it goes. I bet it will be a fucking adventure in awesome, either way it goes for me.