I’m doing well, mostly because I’ve been ridiculously busy. I feel like I am missing something…
My heart has been full of love. I cherish my wife. We are together in a constant struggle with mental illness. We are still learning how to be; how to help each other through those hard times. I can understand Birdy’s struggle with independence. I’ve restricted her to a dependent role. Yet, I have tremendous admiration for how she pushes through symptoms, despite loneliness and isolation. I am away from her, leaving her alone with reoccurring symptoms. I wish so deeply that I could make her feel complete; full of hope and purpose. I can’t control the uncontrollable; more often than not, I frustrate myself trying.
I am neglecting this blog. I have been integrated into a different mode of priorities. I drive myself on, in a state of new-found functionality. Am I about to demolish myself against the shoal? I wish I knew what was in store. Anxiety drives me to ponder the future. I live in a state of jittery fluctuation. My thoughts are divided between the logical, and the absurdly emotional.
I hope you can see that I am trying. I push through pain. I struggle with myself, my inner-doubt. I dream, and wonder.
I don’t know where my words go sometimes. I simply cast my arbitrary ruminations out into the void. I have no desire for understanding.
I’m promoted again. To full-time.
As a result, I’ve all but vanished from this place. Things have been so much better, so much more stable. I rarely feel the need to vent, spiral-down or be struck-down by symptoms. I have a soft, squishy environment, as well as a kick-ass job that I love. I keep my head up. I work my fucking ass off. I do the best I can manage, each and every day. Despite occasional setbacks, I still make progress towards a full, happy life.
I am pleased with this development, for many very good reasons. Clearly. I’m on a great roll lately.
20 remotes in 2 days is pretty fucking awesome. I’m thriving under pressure here.
I have days where I’m very tired, and I get grouchy. As one might expect… but shit yo. I’m working harder than I ever have before, and I feel great about it. I really do. I am regretful of my behavior sometimes. And I have been attempting to be diligent about my “I feel this way because” line every time I have a fussy. It’s helping me… though I need more practice.
I hope things continue this way for some time. I am having a very good time of it. =)
If you are still out there, mentally ill readers of this blog, know that me and my friend Will (both dealing with forms of mental illness) are trying, and succeeding in achieving independence and stability in our lives. That with the right meds, a change of attitude, and a subtle belief in yourself, you can take little steps in the right direction, until something slowly accumulates. It’s never going to happen if you give up on yourself.
We are worth fighting for.