I struggle with self-confidence. Being “strong” is a trap in concept, because it implies that there is a level of internal fortitude that grants some form of immunity from the various struggles and circumstances of life.
Even though I am not a believer, I still smash myself against this unreasonable standard; attempting to validate my worth through an idealistic self.
I’m acutely depressed lately. Fragile and brittle; slight disturbances to the norm can cause emotional failure. I am burdened with a lapse of reason. I struggle in the momentary fray to rationalize emotions. I trend downward, as life’s burdens press in on me. Demands on my existence are many, so I toil, and endure the pain in order to have a functional life.
I don’t know where this road leads. I walk anyway. I never want to stop doing what I am doing, despite the heartache and anguish it can sometimes provoke.
Perturbed by calamity, but ever endowed with hope, I will press forward. I make my best effort towards independent life.
Although, my most recent trends signal a repetitive trend of failure. I repeat past mistakes, neglect love, disregard compassion for frustration…
Maybe this is because I am poorly possessed by depression, or just drained of the energy it takes to live.
Either way, through all the sorrow and joy, I go on.