5 of 5

January 31, 2014 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Photography, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Hobbies, Images, Life, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Photography, Pictures, Thoughts

The very best of the take, photographed by Birdy.

Trust me, this just a sampling of some of the truly amazing specimens we were able to recover: Red and Yellow Jasper, Jadeite, Black Agate, Quartz (Amethyst, Amatrine, Citrine, Rose and Smokey), Feldspar and Chalcedony of varying colors.

The bulk of what you see here was recovered at the secret spot in northern Jacumba, CA. The crystal-clear smokey is from the Red Rock Canyon region of the Mojave Desert. We’re just touching the tip of the iceberg here. Just what would photograph well. There are dozens more pieces of Agate and Chalcedony ready to be used as stunning jewelry. The best one ever, right here.

Concorde

January 27, 2014 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Photography, Rant and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Dreams, Images, Life, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Pictures, Thoughts

Snapped By my Daddo at an Arizona Airshow in 1988, one of only 20 ever built. Even with an otherwise flawless record in 27 years of service, 1 crash is to many. More then one hundred dead. Decommissioned in 2003, three years later. A symbol of our cultural decadence, and ultimately, just as flawed.

I’ve been thinking some about disasters of late. I really really feel itchy inside sometimes, like I’m somewhat expecting something to happen. Soon. I mean, sooner rather than later. I can’t explain it any more then it constitutes radical anxiety. Because that’s all it really is. An itchy, disturbing, prickly feeling that makes me ever-alert for the first disturbances from the ground. I know what should do in case of emergency. That’s not the point.

I feel like it’s looming. That’s all. And scientifically, I am 100% correct. It’s at minimum 180 years past a normal release of tension from the San Andreas. It’s easily been 300 years since anything larger than a 6 hit that area. Pressure has been building for a good long time now. Pressure. Pressure. If it moves just as fast as my fingernails grow, rock is compressing against rock for some nearly unfathomable distance imho, CONSIDERING WE’RE POUNDING TWO SOLID ROCKS TOGETHER. JESUS. Last time I checked, that’s hard to do, and creates pressure. Pressure. I would have like, YARDS of fingernail growth after 300 years, like turning a roll of toilet paper loose across the floor and watching it vanish into the horizon… whhifflewafflecracklsskunchkt… cunk.

Seriously though, we’re fine. Palm Springs, you need to gtfo right now because damn, why did we EVER build a metropolitan area right there? I mean seriously? On alluvial deposits as well? That’s not going to have been a good move for someone, at some point in time in the future. Will I be around to see it? Who knows. Ever see a giant sand wave destroy a city? Ever see a wal-mart disappear to a dirt-nami and be under 70 feet of sand in a few seconds? Yeah, I brought that! DIRT-NAMI, you can quote me.

Needless to say…

I’m still itchy.

Diablo True!

January 26, 2014 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, PC Games & Theories, Rant, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Dreams, Hobbies, Images, Life, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, PC Games, Thoughts

Blizzard Entertainment’s version aside (which was decent, but needed patches before it had any hope of endgame potential), the core of the game has remained the same, roughly, until 1.13 was released. It stopped there for some, but I was determined to see this game back to its grief-enduing, ridiculous, potion-slamming 1234-fests such LAN matches used to be. In my recent memory, you used to be able to die horribly in Hell mode, and thus was done so, many a time, and with glad hearts all the while. Back then, nostalgically speaking, in the glory days of PUB NIGHT, we used to game for a long time, like, 10 hours straight or more, and into the morning. We’d just go from one to the next. BAM. BAM. With high-fructose corn syrup intakes enough to kill a partially already dead donkey. This digression serves the function of recalling that happy, yet, vulnerable feeling of walking into Diablo’s Throne-room, around 3 am, and slowly coming to realize that the things AROUND him are like six hundred times gooder then you… Aaaaannd I’m dead. Need better portals next time, farther from the fighting. I CAN’T HELP IT, THEY WAS RANGED SORCERERS AND SHIT. I TRIED. No, Morgan, you failed. Thanks Scooter, we wipe. WHAT GOOD ARE YOU MEATHEAD IF YOU CAN’T KILL 600 SORCERERS ON YOUR OWN!!??!! eat it. barbarians rule.

With no portal, so now we have to run naked all the way back and get killed again, and have to run back and then WHICH BODY? GUESS RAPIDLY! Aaaand I’m dead again. FML.

So it would go on, with appropriate levels of free-radical humor and voracious judgment and finally, blame. Ah, good times. In the end, these good times stopped, mostly because we were so elite and well- geared, that even when combined and placed under duress, we prevailed. We dominated, In fact. The game faded from interest, and entered a long dormancy falling prey to graphic irrelevancy.

I had a Diablo II Lord of Destruction Assassin named Venom during these times of plenty. I used the claws, and they ruled. I obliterated everything because of attack speed, and chance to hit procs like +5 Freezes Target, and Hit Blinds Target. They just stood there, and could do nothing as I shattered them, one by one, hurling Phoenix Strike and finishing it with Dragon Claw. Slam, 1, 2, 3, SLAM, 1, ,2, SLAM (Chain Lightning [2] shatters all the things frozen by Sphere of Ice [3]).

That character ceased to be. The original file, the sacred copy, was lost to an A: floppy disk malfunction. Gone forever.

REBORN IN REDEMPTION AND EVEN MORE OUTRAGEOUS POISON DAMAGE!

The newest permutation is that, I wanted to see what class I could exploit to render an insidious flow of damage while still hanging tough with skills that help carnage-reign supreme. I came up with a couple ideas: Paladin, with shields and slamming people. Meh. Lot of talent tree points get wasted on stupid shit. Assassin, yes, fast. Druid, yes, very fast, and gross 2h damage when Fury and Lycenthropy are maxed. But Assassin, ah, your sweet sweet 1h sword speed kept calling out to me: make me a 4 socketed runeword weapon. I Indulged.

And Venarex was born:

BOOM. Now working her through SHEER COLD’S Perfect Drop Mod (with several other fantastic changes). Namely, Hell mode is AGAIN FUN AND RELEVANT. Even with the best gear possible, best uniques, best runewords, you better bring your fucking A game, and be ready to scramble, and for god sakes, the portals as backups… never… forget…

Buffed with in-class skills only and gear. Where is her attack? It’s gifted by a runeword Passion, and provides both +1 Zeal and +1 Berserk. When combined with skill bonuses from gear, she has level 13 Zeal and level 13 Berserk. You do the math. Let me know what you think. SWORD-AND-BOARD Assassin you say!?! Why yes sir. Thank you may I have another!?!? And we’re going to need that sort of school spirit where we’re going. Because Hell mode Act 2 (with PDM installed, mind you) is basically impossible. Bugs win. They truly, truly win. KILL EVERY EGG QUICKLY. And hope you like being poisoned. Get used to everything being tinted green. Woot. Anyway, I look forward to having a substantive challenge again, as this modded Hell mode is really fucking hard to solo. Halp meh. I’m good, but I get OWNED on my own. OK. OWNED. Wid dis setup: 4srs.

Parasol-ing

January 25, 2014 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Dreams, Life, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Poem, Poetry, Relationships, Sex, Thoughts

Thin, blue, light.
Heat-remembering daze:
In linked regrets, lament,
Aches old and new–
Stranded towards pain.
The promise of new ways.

In simple tossing–

Hairpin, dropping–
Whimsical day.
Shining bound, blocked anyway.
A colored banner will fly.
Reminiscence’s stare–
The fate of the bold–

And glad, laid bare.

Respite from heat!
In toe-dangling strays–
Who cuckolds play at–
Being one with the stream.
Down our roads had heard–

That we’d been gone astray.

All Said and Done…

January 24, 2014 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Dreams, Life, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Sex, Thoughts

I’m truly happy inside, because I’m proud of the life I have made for myself. I have, deep within and beyond the murk of anxiety and depression, an ember of growth within my heart BURNS ever on. It drives me forward, to try and get things to be better, stable, safe; constantly improve, and always “give it your all.” I had a good therapist once earlier this year, and his name was Robert, and he would still be proud of how I am continuing to push forward. I try my hardest, at every opportunity presented to me. I have forever sought to improve my lot, and here I am, trying to forge an independent life, an identity beyond anything I have thus far attempted to nourish and preserve. I’ve given the thing my hardest, most concerted effort to shine on past obstacles and flourish.

I owe my stability, my joviality, my smiles to Jacqueline, my rock. She’s basically saving me, and my puppy-like deterioration into Poopertown (which is a way to put it, I guess). She’s holding us together as I struggle to fight through symptoms, panic attacks, restless nights and intimate frustrations. We’re bonded like bunnies with banana on their foreheads. WORD TO THE LAGOMORPH.

I am so very proud of her, every day, I see her working diligently on her passions, and her interests. She struggles too, and some days are full of stupid customers and frustrating innuendo, coupled with general mismanagement woes. Department of Redundancy Department on hold for you. Line 11. It can spiral, and I hold the line of reason up to bring the reality back into it. Her self-determinative power is truly amazing. I look at how far she came in a year, and I only see her life getting better, and replete with happiness, support and positive reinforced acts of genuine care or love.

Because I love her. INDEED. I love her so much, because she’s admirable and worthy of love of the highest quality. She deserves, so much more then I feel like I can give sometimes. But that’s not why we’re in this; we desire to both understand the plight of being mentally ill, and ride the roller-coaster together. For better comprehension of the nature of the foe, why not trust in someone willing to look RIGHT AT YOU and be your honest assessor, your legit source who you trust most of all? She’s my secret-keeper, with my loyalty and respect well earned. She has my back, even when I don’t.

I hope to keep her example in mind when I struggle with symptoms as I have lately. I see how she tries, and how she succeeds. I honor that as best I can with my devotion, unceasingly rampant lust, flow of warm-feelings, fondness, affection, and unending impregnable slave-like-love. You has my heart. But I’m pretty sure you know all this. I do the best I can to reinforce these feelings regardless, because you should be aware of how your tremors across my languid pond have mixed up the whole situation and made it right again. “For the first time in forever!” We’re becoming a better team as time goes on. Advancement is slow, and importantly, earned.

So, I write this letter of love to you, my Birdy. May my positive thoughts, snuggly-feelings and mushafied perspective find you at some point when you need to be reminded of how I worship the soft side of your pillow. It smells like happiness. Proven.

Larf to the Fu

Woogity woogity woo!

Dawn of War – Soulstorm (Ultimate Apocalypse MOD)

January 20, 2014 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, PC Games & Theories and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Hobbies, Life, Mental Health, Mental Illness, PC Games, Thoughts

Of all the community-based mods I have tried for the multitude of PC Real-Time Strategy games I’ve played, NONE compare to this one.

The fantastic mod group over at MOD DB/Relicnews forums have been working on this total conversion for years, and are constantly endeavoring to change the mod, it’s gameplay, and innovating new elements, modes and ultimately, strategies for this complex and superb RTS. I can’t tell you enough how fantastic this game is, thanks to their hard work.

In light of this, I’d like to present a few game theories that I have come to develop as a result of playing my talented and constantly adapting foe: Will (Rotz). Because we are always challenging each other, and looking for the advantage, we’ve developed tremendously fun and interesting new strategies for this modded PC game.

-Early Build Order-
To ~1:45

Clearly, the most important phase of the game occurs within the first 3.5 minutes of the game. If your not executing some form of this build order, you’re probably doomed. A solid, consistent plan is key, as future development and progression through the technology tiers is dependent on your ability to execute these initial procedures.

Your going to get 1 builder, and an HQ building which produces 2 units of immediate use: more builders, and an offensive unit (usually a really weak unit, later, completely expendable). Starting sequence looks something like this:

1st builder = 2x to 3x power generators
HQ = 2x offensive unit, 2x builder

1st offensive unit = captures nearby requisition points, which can have listening posts built on them.
2nd offensive unit = goes out to the “middle” somewhere and grabs a strategic point, for line-of-sight and to get some early requisition gain, then works it’s way back grabbing additional points.
Schedule both of these units to cap every requisition point between the middle, and your start location.
Builders = help build the power plants, split 1 off when a post can be built, or split one off if you need a barracks (or pre tier-up building) to advance to tier 1.

-Developmental Build Order-
~2:00 through ~4:30

You should have every point capped, a post on each, and IMMEDIATELY begin upgrading those posts. Just the first upgrade, then stop.
2 offensive units = standing around near the middle providing LOS. They will die. You don’t really care if this happens.
Go to tier 1 right as it’s available. Do not build any additional offensive units yet.
Buy both economic upgrades.
Go to tier 2, still not building any units (they’re going to get dead if built now, and will represent a waste of resources as the game develops).
By the end of this phase, you’re in tier 2, and ready to buy the second set of economic upgrades.

-Combat Readiness and Developing a “Battle-Line”-
From ~5:00 until the end

Part of my game theory is the Battle-Line, or, the point at which your “claimed territory” collides with your opponent’s. For clarification, your ground represents area on the map you believe you can hold if challenged by opposing troops. THis makes the Battle-Line the place where combat, albeit, on several fronts even, is taking place to contend for said ground. It’s pivotal to success to push this area of contention towards your opponent’s base. Doing so usually results in a win, until you get down to last-minute desperation maneuvers (like scrambling to some secret area to build a new HQ or production building to keep from being eliminated outright), keeping oneself alive at all costs. THis is a good attitude to have. As Commander Peter Quincy Taggart would say: “never give up, never surrender!”

Back to the BO: You’re into tier 3, and rapidly heading to 4 after all available economic upgrades are taken (pending +3). Now, it’s time to queue some powerful units and pummel your opponent’s offensive front. It is at this point that a BL will develop on the map, and collisions of armies will begin taking place. Hopefully, you’ve planned for a solid balance of ranged and melee offensive units. Right? Important to strike a fair-proportion here, because up front units can be considered expendable (in my mind), or, in place with the sole purpose of giving your ranged units some LOS and firepower advantage over whatever your opponent has brought to the battlefield. YOur stuff may die, but so will theirs, and by that time, you’re ranged have control of the BL and can push. Melee-type units should be tough enough to hang in there a while, until the ranged units have done the bulk of the damage, according to this player’s theory, anyway. =)

Now, do upgrading of troop-based technology in instances where it poses some tactical advantage to the units you are mass-producing. Make ONLY the troops you need to have buffed receive technology upgrades. no wasting resources on useless techs.

There is no Build-Order beyond this point, really. It’s up to your own personal strategy to win or lose the fray.

IMPORTANT TIPS:

1. Keep squads reinforced and eqq\uipped with relevant bonus weapons for whatever situational challenge you’re dealing with. Do this only for squads that are tough enough to hang in while the BL fighting is going on. Do not waste time upgrading low-level units that will perish at the hands of much bigger things. 2. Manage your economy until you get queues rolling, then go all out and build powerful units and basically forget about your economy. If you have to worry about it again, it’s because you’ve lost, and the BL is being pushed your direction.
3. Cap your opponent’s listening posts and strategic locations as they are destroyed/surrendered due to the BL crossing over them. This will damage their economy and make your romp more success than brutal, unwelcome collision.
4. Micro manage your units as you push the BL around. Don’t let anything sit there firing for long. Your opponent will strike down (or should) idle units with targeted attacks, so make sure to scramble things up with lots of MM-ing.

This is the strategy and theory I’ve developed. It’s working so far in my matchups of late. It should vastly differ from yours, which is what makes this game great, am I right? These are suggestions and ideas for debate, not the WAY that if adjusted or digressed from will result in failure. Not at all. GO out there and wing-it! Complex, adaptive and competitive gameplay are all necessary to have a good time challenging your mind and wits in the Ultimate Apocalypse.

“FOR DE DARK GODS!”

The Minstrel In The Gallery – Jethro Tull

January 19, 2014 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Life, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Music, Poem, Poetry, Thoughts

The minstrel in the gallery,
Looked down upon the smiling faces.
He met the gazes–
Observed the spaces,
Between the old man’s cackle.
He brewed a song of love and hatred,
Oblique suggestions–
And he waited.
He polarized the pumpkin-eaters,
Static-humming panel-beaters,
Freshly day-glowed factory cheaters,
Salaried, and collar-scrubbing.
He titillated men of action,
Belly-warming–
Hands still rubbing,
On the parts they never mention.
He pacified the nappy-suffering,
Infant-bleating one-line jokers.
T.V. documentary makers,
Overfed and undertakers.
Sunday paper backgammon players.
Family-scarred and women haters.

And he called the band down to the stage–
And he looked,
At all the friends he’d made.

The Point of Don’t Return

January 17, 2014 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged Creative Writing, Depression, Life, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Thoughts | 3 Comments

I was let go. Or rather, I was backed into a corner, then forced to “not come back.” I’m unemployed for the first time in more than a year, and I’m stricken with sadness. My fragile day-to-day financial struggle just got exponentially harder to maintain because of my actions. I am in pursuit of several opportunities, but have not signed any papers yet. Despite the crushing ache of loss, I know, in my heart, I am going to have another job very soon. All signs point to “hired.”

The real problem here is that I worked very, very hard to earn the respect and trust of my former employer… but that was never what they had in mind for me. I had the aspirations to be something more than a Field Technician, but they would rather pay me barely above minimum wage and keep me locked in where I was. After a year of hoping fruitlessly for advancement or recognition, I was becoming desperate and discouraged. Why wasn’t my value understood? Why was I constantly running up against a petty regulation and only drawing attention for the negative things? The people who counted never saw me as anything more than what I was hired to be. I was in stasis, and when I tried to voice my concerns that I was not going to be able to continue this way, I was shot square in the chest with the reality that no one was going to care whether I stayed or left. I was not valuable enough, in their eyes, to make any kind of monetary sacrifice to keep.

Did you know I had a $1 raise pending, but upper management declined to give it to me? $1?? Are you fucking serious? It would not have made the difference in keeping me financially afloat, but damn, it would have been nice to be appreciated. It would have meant a lot for them to reach out and say “you’re worth this, and more.”

But I’m not. I’m not worth $1 more than what I was making. And hourly, that’s literally like $15 a week extra. I took this as an insult, which I think it was intended to be.

Naturally, things began to fall apart, as I was hammered by criticism, consistently told not to make my own decisions, to fall in line with the other robots. I had no desirable leadership qualities, despite my personal ambition.

I feel bad for leaving the way I did. But I gave them notice of 16 days first thing, and essentially, they said “don’t come in until we call you.”

So, I responded with “you’re punishing me for giving notice? Hope unbelievably petty.”

“I’m done.”

I hope it hurts you, losing me. I really hope it reminds you of how stupid you were, when customers who call in asking ONLY for me find out I’m not there anymore. Why? Because I’m not worth $1. Great trade-off. I really, sincerely, hope it burns you, right now, in your chest, and makes you angry. I hope I hurt you, because I’m petty too, and you hurt me first, and FAR MORE OFTEN. I stayed loyal to you, despite this. But that time is over now, and I dropped a bomb on you on my way out, and up, and away; to better things, and days full of promise, hope and desire to succeed… for someone other than you.

Vexation

January 15, 2014 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Rant, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Life, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Poem, Poetry, Relationships, Thoughts

Through the tides of disregard I am held by the waving standard of disgrace. A moral purpose, guided by the utmost intentions are oft regarded as threats to the infrastructure. The stagnant hierarchy of power unwaveringly stout amidst the screams and moans of those slaughtered during the insurrection. Soul-stomped and hemorraging, the answer is risk. The gamble is teetering on the giant shoulders of the ever consuming flow of advancement. Pondering momentary vibrations; leaking confidence through gaping fissures in the sides of the real. A diatribe suffocated in the merciless vacuum of the deep, empty cold of space. The very life clinging desperately to not but bones rotten to their cores of stale marrow. Turned down and unwanted for ambition, as punctual as moments, as thoughtful and considerate as experience, as demotion pouts in shame. Shock is the mercy-killing of lies, beguiled by greed and rife with ulterior motivations. There is no time to thrive. No rain falls in the shadow of a mountain.

Lost as guide-less ships carried east on the wind. Fortune’s penultimate fool. I’ve strived and failed.

Not for more than a bookend. Placeholder in transition; as the monstrosity grows to regardless ends. Mired by its own reflection in the sullen, brittle glass of progress. Sand is dripping by, succumbed willfully to the hunger of gravity. Blood is the toll of fate. Tears are the demon that pries.

Farewell to summer. The age of velvet; scorched in Jovian gasses. Storms of regret expunge vitality from its rigid anchors. Forgotten is the wandering idiot who spun his fate in straw.

Goodbye familiarity and fraternity. Welcome to the new-dawn of agony. A tumult in which there is no air to breathe; no hope of survival beneath the ceaseless onslaught of terrible waves breaking hard against the rocky shore.

Ponderation

January 15, 2014 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Rant, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Dreams, Life, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Poem, Poetry, Thoughts | 10 Comments

Tripped up snare a root-gut state,
Bind me to an empty slate.
Pieces come the sunder-down,
Ruined-oft a son renown.
Chalked and dry the bitter bite,
Blankets shrouding like the night.
Deep in hollows bone and bare,
Looking with the sunlit-stare–
A wanton change, a reckless blow,
Pale as the driven-snow.
Care aside the want is torn,
Unduly bare the bitter-scorn,
Of skill alone the die is thrown,
Away from where the path is known,
Though change it must towards better days,
But bound and weary in the haze.
Gravity pulling hard and cold,
Takes the life out from the bold.
Wearing thin as fractured-stones–
Tired, deep within my bones,
But strive and try towards an uncertain end,
With each new letter that I send.
Lurid and stale the call to be,
Something more than what I see.
It all comes down to solely this:
To seek a fortune that I’ve missed.

2 of 5

January 14, 2014 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Photography, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Hobbies, Life, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Photography, Pictures, Thoughts

With the bulk of the shaping work done, I wanted to snap some pictures of the stones as they are nearing the middle of the cycle. They have a little more than 2 weeks to go, and are really starting to take on their beautiful final shapes.

Even though they may not look it, these stones are perfectly smooth. Any detail you see is a visual effect made possible by clear portions of the stone contrasted against a more solid inclusion or separate mineral area. The take shown here was collected from various sites all over California.

Fire Agate, collected in the Coyote Mountains, due north of Ocotillo, CA.

A stunningly clear Smokey Quartz, collected at Lone Pine, CA.

Yellow Jasper, collected at Red Rock Canyon, off state route 14 in eastern California’s Mojave Desert.

Red Jasper, collected in the foothills north of Jacumba, CA, in the Table Mountain volcanic area.

Moss Agate, collected at the Coyote Mountains, in San Diego County’s eastern desert.

Jadeite, collected in an alluvial iron-rich soil deposit north of Jacumba, CA, in the shadow of Table Mountain.

Heavily, but beautifully included Chalcedony, collected north of Jacumba, CA.

Brown Chalcedony collected at Lone Pine, CA, in the Alabama Hills area.

Chalcedony, collected in the alluvial zone east of Table Mountain volcano, just north of Jacumba CA.

A 2 colorful and included Quartz specimens collected at the crest of a granite deposit near Jacumba CA.

A truly outstanding included Chalcedony, found in the “secret spot” somewhere in the western alluvial zone near Table Mountain volcanic area, in the high desert of eastern San Diego County.

Keep digging, rockhounds.

Soul-Crushing Jams

January 10, 2014 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Life, Love, Mental Illness, Music, Relationships, Sex, Thoughts

Not sure why I made this playlist. It’s trapped on my iPhone because if I sync it, it will go bye bye. There is no copy on my PC to sync with anymore because I got too sad last time I listened to it and deleted the fucking thing.

Now I sit here in the dark waiting for Birdy to be off work. I have thus found a new place and time to crush my happy feelings into goop and revel in bad memories these crappy songs invoke.

I may have already posted this a while back. Disregard if that is so.

It’s supposed to have a “happy ending…” but I’m beginning to doubt the validity of that claim.

1. George Michael (Elton John) – Tonight
2. Gary Jules (Tears for Fears) – Mad World
3. Christina Perri – Jar of Hearts
4. Chris Isaac – Wicked Game
5. Heart – Alone
6. Elton John – Sacrifice
7. Anita Baker – No One in the World
8. Earth, Wind & Fire – After the Love is Gone
9. The Beach Boys – God Only Knows
10. K.D. Lang – Constant Craving
11. Crosby, Stills & Nash – Helplessly Hoping
12. Dan Fogelberg & Tim Weisberg – Lazy Susan
13. Sting – You Still Touch Me
14. Basia – Yearning
15. Des’ree – Kissing You
16. Oh! Darling – The Bestles
17. Chicago – Just You ‘n’ Me
18. Al Green – Lets Stay Together
19. Joe Satriani – Always With Me, Always With You

Tribulations and the Untenable Want

January 9, 2014 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Life, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Thoughts

Dear Enir,

“I’m sorry for taking so long to reply. I really enjoyed your letter, naturally. I like that we are in touch again, since we have so much in common and always had a neat and unusual connection and friendship. I have always admired your use of words, your grasp of the language, your knack for making any decent reader wish your words were a drink and they were a cup. Simply put, you are one awesome dude.”

Your words are profound, Tunguska-like impacts on my sense of self. I am flattered to hear such analogies pertaining to things I write. It means a lot to me, so truly, thank you.

I would care to dance on with you, if you wouldn’t mind. We have strange histories, mixed and mired in various tangents of the stale swamp of memory. I, for one, have both found you to be strikingly insightful, witty, brilliant and beautiful. I know these qualities have only been perfected with time, or sweetened underneath so many moist corks. I lusted for you deeply. I was a man lead by his loins in high school. There is always a reason; and finding rare humans who match the ridiculously narrow criteria of acceptance sponsors a yearning. You have earned such feelings by the natural properties of starlight radiance. Flattery hereby returned, and redoubled.

For my part, I have tridden the trodden trail for a long long time. And yes Dave, I do have so much to say. There is a place and a time for all things. As I have come to understand the miraculous unfoldings of each subsequent moment, I do what innate thing best suits a freely radical future. I learn.

Or, I strive to learn. It’s not easy being so very impossible, as I am. My mind is both summer-salting squirrel circus and dank oubliette of suffering. I have clear moments of brilliance… sometimes I hate myself so much all I can do is cry for hours. The screen gets fuzzy from time to time. I take 8 distinct medications. 3 times a day. It’s a galaxy class federation starship held together with electric tape and tongue depressors

I am here in the dark of my day, writing this letter to you on my phone. My floppy clown feet are both tired and somewhat smelly. I have felt the itch to blog lately. Poetry is like spastic language vomit on a wall dropping down and contorting as it does so.

I would have a longer response… my brain is all used up for today. I wish to take you back through the lurid fields of my regret. My past. A broken line drawn on a dusty driveway.

“It’s not like I even know what I want to be when I grow up. Actually, here’s a short list, just off the top of my head:

Voice actor (going to get the ball rolling on this once my cold clears up and I don’t sound like Fran Drescher when I talk)

Rock star (always)

Regular musician (actually had this going anyway, but haven’t gigged in a couple of years)

Hair stylist (again, the cost of tuition is the major obstacle)

Antiques collector/dealer, or even a buyer/picker for movie or TV sets (find the good vintage stuff, etc)

Ballerina (don’t you dare say a word)

Artist of some type (I actually had some pieces in a gallery a little over a year ago!)

Wolf-whisperer wilderness woman (I don’t know, like hang out with rescued wolves or something? They are amazing and I’m obsessed and they’re my spirit animal. I can see myself in jeans, hiking boots, and a tacky three-wolf-moon t-shirt, getting down on the ground and letting wolves lick my teeth while I give an educational speech to a group of students or 6th-grade-campers. I am actually looking into buying a membership to the wolf sanctuary in Julian! I’ll be able to go visit the wolves AND I’ll get a sweet decal for my car so that when people see me drive by, there will be no doubt as to whether I’m one of those weird mountain-hippie ladies. Because deep down inside, I totally am).”

Your responses and personal reflections are hugely appreciated. Personally, I feel like we tell ourselves that we HAVE to become something other than who we already are in order to gain acceptance. This is conformity to a culture sick with misguided ideas about the core of worth. Being who you are, or trying to hold on to what makes you both fulfilled and happy is the entire point of life. Ballerina would be nice. But clearly, I’d rather you be someone I can talk to. A real person who knows herself.

I’m proud of you Erin. Your life has been hard. But beautiful. And with love. Few things are more sacred than making a child, carrying it inside you, and taking part in the shaping of a person. Someone who is unique… But also you. It’s amazing what you’ve accomplished.

Sincerely,

Fro

Bitter and Blue?

January 8, 2014 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Life, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Thoughts

I do want to apologize for the slanderous tone of my post: Liars. It’s hard to concentrate on the rightness of things when you are unbelievably tired and can’t sleep. Insomnia put me in a foul place (needless to say). I’m truly a much more reasonable person. I just got hurt feelings, seeing my exes off doing their lives and in total disregard for the past. They hurt me so badly… even beat me; physically mutilating my body with violence. All of that is swept away in the haze of blissful ignorance. I guess.

I am constantly reminding myself of how I have failed. I never stop remembering mistakes I have made, people I’ve hurt. Things I’ve said. Trauma.

This is not necessarily a good thing, because (more often than not), it’s fuel by which I burn up my confidence; my self-esteem. Remorse.

Other parts of my personality are subjected to hateful recollections, polluted by what reprisals I feel I deserve. I’m not the best judge of things when depressed, or hurt, or angry.

I’m trying to be more introspective, and keenly aware of these varying states: what they insinuate, encourage or imply. At least, as it pertains to who I am, or who I strive to be.

I will continue to be observant, and also, I feel like I’ve neglected sharing on this blog. Which I am now more inclined to do, considering the help it has provided me in the past. It’s a valid mirror by which I can understand (if not unnecessarily scrutinize) the varying terms of my arrangement with unquenchable sadness, turbulent moods, and haunting regret.

I appreciate your time. Thanks for reading.

Liars

January 8, 2014 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Dreams, Life, Love, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Relationships, Sex, Thoughts

My bitter insomniac self emerges. I sit here pondering the loves I have had. People who were, at one time, important to me. We fell into disaster together. I learned a great deal from the calamity of broken, beaten love.

But it would have been possible to delude myself into a blame-free memory of this. It would have been possible to lie and deceive myself and others into believing a reality of events that never transpired.

Or would it have been easy? I doubt it. I’m honest to a fault. Brutally logical. Calculatory and stoic from time to time… But always analyzing the data. Not stuffing it away in a cupboard somewhere never to be looked at again.

Some people can lie their way through life. Some people are afraid of what’s really going on. It’s animalistic fear. Fight or flight morphed into useless parameters it has no business being applied to.

With transition comes contemplative regret. At least, I feel remorse for things I did. Moments in which I hold direct responsibility. They are mine forever. I own them. I an proud of this, because I know I am right.

You. However. Are a liar. You have covered your trail with fresh dirt. You have built up a new life on a foundation of deceit. I truly feel sorry for you. I am also angry. For all the abuse done to me; it is now clear that you will not learn anything from these mistakes. You may just repeat them with someone else.

It’s shameful. And pathetic.

And I’ve moved on to a better life, though, I know you think you have as well. I hope you make it out in the real world. Somehow, I doubt it.

Sustasis

January 7, 2014 by ssnri in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Life, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Nightmares, Poem, Poetry, Relationships, Thoughts

Pale wall shadows
Reaching dead finger-wicks
Sun-tied horizon mistakes
Banished thought whispers
Stretched out insane

Time-ticked agonies
Reserved soul-peakings
Fortunate self-martyrdom
Proclamation of pain

Dipped in red
Shining like a sunrise
Befuddled and bound
Pale bloodless hands
Pouring out promises
Sweet denials
Again to gain nothing
Taking on buckets
Drowned

Gone down to riverbanks
Crispy-leaves travel
Careless on a breeze
Whisked away-daze
Better for change
Here lingering on shores
In search of tomorrow
But already gone

BOOOOORING

January 7, 2014 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Life, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Relationships, Thoughts | 2 Comments

I get listless, bored, anxious.

It deteriorates to depression, and a feeling of irresponsibility. Like my time to rest is somehow being wasted. I’m puzzled over why this is so.

I also would like you to know I made a Facebook page. Yeah, I caved in to cyber-loneliness.

I guess I got to thinking that I was missing out on something that was, for the most part, a good thing. Social interaction, however menial, is positive.

I have issues with being idle. I need to “relax,” as my wife says. I agree. But how?

I’m working towards better health. Slowly.

I need to let my worries and anxieties wash over me, like waves breaking on the shore. Wishy-washy-wishy-washy.

Sploosh!

A Letter to the Owner

January 5, 2014 by ssnri in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged ADD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Creative Writing, Depression, Dreams, Life, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Thoughts

I guess I needed to say this for my own purposes. I guess I needed to hear myself writing this out, in order to bolster my own confidence; my impressions of myself and what I stand for. I need to raise my spirits, in light of the struggles I’ve been through emotionally. I’m lacking the skills and introspection needed to be powerful, strong and brave against the uncertain future. I wrote this letter to the guy who owns the company I work for:

____________________________________________________________________

You don’t know me very well, but I am a dedicated and honest employee of your company’s San Diego branch. You may know me by, or have heard a lot about my mistakes, namely, with the [a really horrible customer]. It’s important, for me, to take full responsibility for my errors in procedure, especially when they cost us money. I would like to let you know, personally, that I have learned from these errors and will not repeat them.

I wanted to, more importantly, write to you directly because I really have no idea what sort of impression you have of me overall. We’ve met only once, and briefly at that. I have not engaged you in conversation, and therefore, I get the sense you know little about me except when I draw negative attention to myself. I would like you to know that I am 100% dedicated to your company. I am trustworthy, honest and extraordinarily charismatic. I have a fantastic rapport with customers, and generate a good deal of the field service we do in San Diego because of returning customers who request me by name. I’m not your best salesperson. I’m a dependable, outgoing and consistent computer technician. I solve people’s problems, and make them happy.

I think of myself as a career employee of your company. I have no desire to leave [my job]. Regardless of circumstance, I still want to be a big part of this exciting, growing and fantastic organization. I see myself as a part of how we expand in San Diego as well. I have ambition, leadership skills, and a desire to teach. I graduated with a degree in English, and an intention to go on to graduate school and become a professor. I incorporate my learned skills, my personality, and my talents with IT into my current career. I want to be with [my job] for the rest of my time as an employee, and of that, I have no doubt.

I’m proud to come to work. I’m glad to be doing what I do for you, every day. I have hopes that you can see that I am constantly pushing the limits, consistently endeavoring to be better, try harder, and garner more experience doing what I love.

I have asked for a raise, as of my last review. I understand why it was declined, or ignored, and have no intention of arguing reasons why. I can understand why. I am confidant that I will impress you, and earn your respect, in time. I’m not in a hurry. I want to be with your company for the long-haul. Regardless of setback. I am here to stay, and I hope to make that point VERY clear.

So thank you for your time, and I really truly wish to appreciate your decision to hire me, and putting your initial trust in making me a part of this team.

I am doing what I love. I just wanted you to know, from me, that this is who I am, and this is what I believe in.