The times are changing without me these days. I’ve rendered very little raw decision-making power on my life, but, holy crap, how the circumstances change. After 2 relationships that fell apart around my hospitalizations, I get the hint, be sane and get the girl; be yourself and die alone. My wife of VERY NEARLY 1 year has abandoned our relationship. though we are still legally married, she refuses to have anything to do with me, and sleeps with another man, and has gone on as if there were no reason to give a shit about me, or my plight. Truth be told, it was not a story told from the perspective of one who is right, and one who is wrong: its guarded secret misgivings and circumstantial arguments that led to this catastrophic breakdown. I had NO designs for things to end up this way. I just wanted my life back, with my lovely partner, and my 2 snuggly kitties. All of that is gone now.
In short (for the telling of it oft dredge the creeks of peaceful thoughts with raking machinery of judgment): We had minor issues. Problem there, is minor issues become large problems if they never get talked about or addressed. Communication between the two of us has always been an issue. She doesn’t like to listen, or be told things (whether helpful or not). Talking about a disagreement or situation or feeling would often result in her entering “lockdown mode,” where talk became useless because she refused, simply fuming within, like a tea kettle on the heat. I was often promised “we’ll talk about it later,” or, “just leave me alone. I’m only going to get angry if you keep pushing me to talk,” which was fine (I guess), only that resolution (or attempts at it) occurred 1/3 of the time. The other times were simply ignored, or neglected utterly, and still, not addressed. I could have put more effort into understanding her, and her way of coping with things. FUCK. Even as I say that, I’m not sure what the hell else I needed to do, besides show myself to be willing to work things out, talk, share, sympathize compassionately, and get on with life. It’s not as though I NEVER tried, I did. It doesn’t work unless BOTH parties agree, working things out and talking is a good idea, and leads to more good things, rather then bad stuff lingering, unresolved, waiting.
This lack of mutual ambition towards relationship goals was the root of the problem. That, and I don’t know if Jax actually understands what being married is all about. There’s spoken commitment (worth as much as its corresponding deeds), but nothing compares to making a LEGAL and BINDING contract to represent your dedication to the long-term relationship. Taking that step means: hey, I like you. We should be partners in life for as long as we are both here, alive, and stuff, forever. At least, THAT’S WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR WHEN I SIGNED THE MARRIAGE LICENSE. I can imagine no better way of living than to spend my life with you there to help me. BOOM. I mean, right? Isn’t that the objective or desire when marrying someone?
But I was wrong, because I think of relationships not as an errant grocery bag dancing between cars on the interstate… I think of it as a wall. Solid. Strong. Pure. True. Just. Lean on your wall, because it is strong, and built to endure.
I honestly think: that she had a lot of built-up resentment from not having her issues addressed. Then, I got fat (er), and she quit being sexually interested in me. COINCIDENCE? Then, when tensions began to mount, she only contemplated how to run away, get free, break out of her relationship, so something easier, superficial and impermanent would come along to make her feel happy again. She admitted to loving me less than I love her. She admitted before leaving me in the lurch, that she often contemplated leaving the relationship. I guess she ultimately wanted something that forced a relationship to begin-again, going through that puppy-love phase where the guy fucking you can do no wrong, and is a savior from the hell you were just recently enduring, and has brought you happiness (at least, for now). Brilliant.
What bothers me is that nothing here has been addressed. Memo to guy who is fucking Jax currently: If you sit down with her, and let her become a part of your life, TAKE HEED OF THESE WORDS. You will certainly want to know this shit before you decide, like I did, that she is the one. She may go on not addressing her own issues for some time. Currently, I believe her to be in stark denial about what is healthy, good, right, and what is garbage. She has made some major decisions lately. Life changing and irreconcilable. She will do so at the whim of a spark. If you can somehow get her to open up and be somewhat introspective of herself, then hey, you did what I could not. Go for it tiger, you earned it.
She looks at me with eyes clouded by hate, resentment, frustration. So, I’m naturally the target of a lot of bad press. Which is fine, because I feel like I deserve some/most of that. But we here at my blog are concerned with presenting a balanced view of life, its struggles and tribulations: so all words must be said, and learned from.
Ask yourself, guy who is fucking my wife, has anything been resolved? She might be falling in love over again, but what’s to say the same lack of communication I experienced will be true for you? Maybe you are the perfect dude, and can give her anything she wants to keep her happy. Maybe you will have better luck trying to cage the Birdy than I did. But I really doubt you are a “better” guy than I am. I’m a spectacularly intelligent rarefied wacko. I find it hard to believe you are anything more then a hard-cock and a cute face. Your time in the sun is fading fast.
For my part, I see that my communication skills are still TRYING to do their thing. I just need someone who will actually play the introspective understanding game, and try to be good at it. Jax is a poor role model for good mental health. Drinking regularly is a great way to ruin your medication’s benefits. So, not sure what the master plan is over there in “betrayal-ville” but it’s your life to sail away in, or scuttle. I’m always going to be here, hoping for the best, but fearing the worst for you.
For the future: I need to be EVEN MORE CLEAR about what mental illness entails (for me), and what to expect from someone who struggles actively as I do. I have all the right pieces to make a great relationship work, for the long-haul; my perspective then only enhanced by the addition of another who can help me navigate these treacherous seas. In the famous words of one cancer-stricken multi-billionaire engineer S.R. Hadden: “Wanna’ take a ride?”