Misguided Mind of Mine

I’m pretty sure I’ve won the award: easiest to fall in love with, but easiest to break up with also. 3 masterful romances, 2 ending in divorce, 1 in an arrest, and now 1 hospitalization!.

And I literally went insane on each of them at least once. None of them wanted much to do with me at that point. Dust settling, and realizing: “Yes, I can do better then this overweight guy who treats me like crap.” Paraphrasing, albeit. But basically giving you no reason to stick around since losing his job.

An abandonment at his weakest, most fragile juncture. Deciding whether or not it was worth living anymore because the one woman he loved more than anything in the history of his love was losing interest, or had lost her motivation to try with him much longer. She was ravishing, and knew it. She can have anyone she wants. She’s proportionality sexy. I imagine her spark for me had been out for a while. We had infrequent sex for months now. Once every few weeks, and for whatever reason, it was just trial and error. She had lost focus, or had driven herself into anxious states in which PTSD trauma became present in our lovemaking. I can understand why, mainly, because I invoked it by letting Jacqueline’s lack of enthusiasm for sex not take priority over my desire to come insider her. And so, she opened herself to me post pleading, and let me come in her despite a clear lack of involvement. I am now accused of “getting carried away.” Which is true, sorta… But Did I rape you? You were moaning softly the whole time for Christ’s sake! I’m not making it up. I remember, because I’m a sex-starved man who never took for granted a chance to make hot sex with a beautiful woman. Respect and want shared between two people is JUST SO FANTASTIC. We had that once. But it died and I already know why. But It can’t all hang by this thread, can it?

But she’s only been getting sexier since coming here. And I the opposite, until very recently, and that seems to go hand in hand with a disintegrating mood situation. Becoming less and less stable as time monkeyed on. And the reasons you got together, to understand and mutually cope with mental illness… the WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF THIS BLOG (which shared the conduction of your love to it’s current state); we let that die. We should be better friends to each other and try to help us get stable. First. To each, their own journey into cause and effect; let the spiral of independence come into focus. I am making alterations to how I will be living my life in the next few weeks. I am imminently considering a move to Northern California. Tech market is vastly superior to San Diego area markets. Much more opportunity for success.

I really wish we could just get in the truck together and go up there on a brand new adventure. Start the whole fucking thing over again.

Hi, I’m Westin, but you can call me Eric.

The struggle for dual mental-healthily-aware individual cohabitation was damaged irrevocably. I don’t believe in that hooligan mumbo-jumbo! I still love you. Why don’t we keep growing and changing together? Why can’t we be the masters of our mutual destinies? I firmly believe if we could get our individual lives together again, sell down, and reboot existence in a whole new world, we could make it work again. You are the family I chose. You are who I will be looking for when the apocalypse comes.

It hurts me to think of you out there just rocketing off away from me. Fueled by deep resentment. Regret. Hate.

“I’ll never let go…”

And I’m fairly certain “my heart will go on.”

Hand out some fucking tissues. I have a feeling a heartbreaking moment approaches….

If I have really done wrong here. If I am truly the linchpin of misery in these 3 relationships…

I’m sorry. And I cry inside with regret for how I’ve hurt you. I’m a terrible-great man. I have a callous-shoulderborn heart. I trust. I stay loyal, despite insanity. I try not to think about the short term, but how will this look in 4 months, 2 years… so on and so forth. Where there is a willingness, there is a way through. We may have the pegmatite seam in the granite, but we will need to chisel to get to that pocket of Aquas under there. Lookin’ gemmy! REAL GEMMY!

Hold on.

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