My Wishlist – (Pearl Jam + Me)

I wish I was a wholly desirable person. I wish I was free of mental illness forever. I wish I wasn’t so easy to betray. I wish my heart wasn’t so easily won. I wish I could just be 100% done with my love when it dies. I wish I could have someone who would make me feel like I was worth something. I wish I was worth cherishing. “I wish I was a neutron bomb, for once, I could go off.” I wish I was capable, steady and wise. I wish my healthy states were taken seriously, and my insanity taken not so. I wish I had no reason to lose my mind. I wish I had loved my partners better. I wish I wasn’t such an asshole-licking shit-raper. I wish people would get their heads out of their asses and SEE each other clearly. I wish my life was something that it will never be. I wish I could have what I need to thrive, and not be subject to causeless humiliations. I wish I could have sex with someone I love, nearly every day. I wish love was as exciting for me as it would be for my partner. “I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun.” I wish I had the time and patience to write out all my brilliant ideas. I wish people would not just remember the bad, but the good times as well, and weigh them out before making conclusions. I WISH I COULD LIVE THIS LIFE WITH SOMEONE I COULD BOTH LOVE AND GROW WITH. I wish education and “rightness” would rule the day. I wish my morality counted for something. I wish I had never got drunk and groped my sister’s friend while she was sleeping that night more then a decade ago. I wish I had taken advantage of all the women who wanted to fuck me in High School but never told me they did. I wish someone besides ME would make the effort to keep this thing alive. I wish. I wish I was flying through the sky, with the wind ripping back my hair. I wish I was the man you loved. I wish that you thought of me when you cheated on me with some guy from old town. I wish this list would stop being about how much I still hurt, but for how much I still YEARN. I wish I could be alive to see my death come in a natural, not forced, way. I wish I still had her. I wish I wasn’t going where I have been circumstanced to go, but will try hard for what I want regardless. I wish it wasn’t 100% over, but it is.


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