Ping Pong Plop

JAX to MOO: I know nothing I could say could mend what I’m doing. I’d been going back and forth on myself about staying with Eric only because I valued you and Bill’s relationship so much. I can’t however remain in a situation where my trauma and mental health is in constant battle or put on the back burner. I feel like when I got with Eric I believed him to be a lot more stable than he his. I married him thinking that we would make the last stretch of stability into a real life, and instead I feel he’s only become worse and inconsolable. I will not pretend I don’t know that pain I’m causing because at the same time it kills me to do it. I can not, however, keep taking care of somebody when I myself need the care. Marriage is supposed to be about mutual respect and care, but I feel for a while it hasn’t been that way. I don’t need you to completely understand. Eric needs to be around people far more stable than I. He needs his parents who will continue to love him regardless of anything. All I wanted to make you understand was that I never lied, and I always loved you guys.

MOO to JAX: Jax, I won’t lie…we are all in pain.  My love for you was as if you were my daughter.  Given the nature of both your illnesses, it is not surprising that it would come to a head.  It’s just unfortunate that the communication between you and Eric wasn’t mutually respectful and honest.  I understand that with the trauma you have experienced, you have a difficult time stating your needs and desires until it’s too late.  But communication in any situation is vital if a relationship is to last and thrive.  All that aside, I am dealing with this the best way I know how.  As a family unit, we are strong and we will survive.  Love and family are the key to healing.  I don’t wish any ill for you.  I hope that you, too, find a way to heal and move on.  This is all very sad.  Please let us know if you find a home for the kitties.  We always loved you too.

JAX to ALL: this was my mother in laws response to an email i sent. i find myself a bit angry. it takes two to fucking tango. i didnt just give up.  didnt wait til the last fucking moment to state my needs and desires. i had been for months. ever since he pushed himself on me after i kept saying no, i’d been telling him i needed space because i didnt feel safe. didnt rape me? maybe not, but those moans were ones of discomfort and pain as he entered me when i wasnt prepared and wasnt willing, not of pleasure. time and time again he tried to initiate sex after even though he told me he would let me be the decider. he’d take my hand and try to make me stroke him and when i responded poorly he’d get angry. yell at me about how i didnt want to have sex and it wasnt fair. ask me if i could at least give him a blow job or watch him masterbate. even after saying how uncomfortable it made me feel and how if i said no to sex that meant every aspect he would still get angry and frustrated because i wasnt dealing with anything. my needs were heard but never acknowledged. i was put on the back burner time and time again because my husband wanted an orgasm so bad he couldn’t keep from traumatizing me. i’d begged for months for him to try to get some of his impulses under some sort of control including his sexual ones. yet he’d rather ignore them completely than try to get them under control. he once said if it were up to me making the moves we would never have sex. you just never gave up the control to see. i’m done being controlled and manipulated into love. you can’t alienate me or make me feel lost enough to want to be in a situation where my trauma is used against me. and as for cheating? i asked you for a divorce days before any of it happened. but your lack of acknowledging my pleas are the same ones that convince you i’m some vindictive whore. i don’t care. i’d rather find people i can feel safe with then continue to try to make it work with someone who clearly doesnt want to deal with anything and would rather keep me in a submissive hole.

ME: Um, wow?

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