Victory Condition: Assassinate (Part III)

Finally, this saga comes to a close. I’m satisfied with the evidence I’ve gathered.

It looks like, for as long as I skirmish against the AI, I will not enable victory condition: assassinate. Yes truly, I’m sad to see it go, but there’s a sum of good reasoning behind this action. Namely, the AI’s reaction to this gameplay policy change is alarming and uninteresting. There was never a moment where I caught the AI with their commander out somewhere he shouldn’t have been, and greased him. NEVER. That’s not ok. That only means the AI is opting to let the commander sit in their base collecting dust. Not putting him to any use… that’s not a solution either. It just means he’s hopelessly outgunned when it gets down to my army encroaching on his “circle of safety.”. If he’s the last line of defense, it’s not a good strategy to begin with. Even upgraded, he doesn’t stand alone as a powerful unit. He will still eat shit and die at the hands of any number of moderately powerful squads. It’s sad, BUT THAT’S THE WAY IT AUGHT TO BE.

He can make a difference, if used in combat situations. Why not have him cutting down units as a support unit, versus just not using him at all. My way seems better.

Alas, the AI does not agree. And games are DONE by the time I’m punishing their commander. Hiding behind the power generators at the back of the last stand. Sad way to go, as I mentioned.

But this is not my desire. So, AI. I’m letting you off the hook. Go frivolously use your commander as a primary combat unit, like you do when the victory conditions are only: annihilate. It’s much more interesting to have the AI using it’s fullest potential to beat me, but “assassinate” only made the AI weaker in my opinion.

For the purposes of training, I may keep the AI in the bind it finds itself in every time we launch a game. Because it will be useful to TEACH the skill of careful commander management, and not let that skill lapse because of lax victory conditions.

For now, this is Miracle Max, signing off.

“Have fun storming the castle!”

ANECDOTE: Tyranids. I swear, you can’t turn your back on them. XV22 was out front at FbR watching my relic point, but a big swarm of genestealers came up from somewhere, and while I got distracted by the carnifex they brought along, those fucking genestealers DEVOURED my XV22 like he was dog kibbles (and that’s not a L1 but more likely a L4-5 with all the nifty items purchased). Literally had 2 seconds to myself, checked the strategic icon to find it had disappeared from my HUD (A very very bad sign) followed promptly by a popup message informing me my commander was found to be “tasty.” As well as “dead.” I lose. =(

Victory Condition: Assassinate (Part II)

So, I’ve had about 3-4 games and already I’m laughing my ass off.

The AI holds on to the commander in a zero-risk policy of complete base-isolation lock-down. BRUNG.  I’m dying, because it’s a totally useful unit, when upgraded with patience. But the AI doesn’t get that. It has no way to compute the risk involved of sending a commander out into ANY SORT of combat at all. It thinks minor risk is far too great, so their commander stays home until the bitter end. When it’s basically down to the last few structures, their economy is crippled, the commander is usually the last freestanding unit to die. Which seems right… by my understanding of the game.

I just don’t quite understand why it keeps him home all the time. Do they still upgrade the commander, but just sit on him? They have no problem moving secondary commanders at me, but they keep the primary back somewhere where nothing could ever happen to him. Until, aforementioned calamitous death sequence is scheduled to transpire.

It’s nice to not have to raze an entire base. NOTED.

Hey, I get the real life implications of using my commander in game combat. I get it. Think me not irresponsible. I’ve had a few tries at it and I haven’t killed him yet. Haven’t even been close to the best of my knowledge. On that note, I’m continuing to use Tau, WHICH IS A RISK IN AND OF ITSELF HOME SLICE. Primary commander is my ranged commander, who has shit for hit-points and does nothing but die really really fast at melee range. So I have him to either use carefully, or be destroyed while trying to use him to some end.

I believe that this game’s AI might be a bit wacko about this victory condition, though, I’ve not had enough practice yet to officially diagnose anything. I’ll keep trying.

Few notes for experiment parameters:

Using maps Moonbase (A straight up fight) Frostbite River (A rush of power and requisition) or Meeting of the Minds (A crafty fight with a rush of power if done right). Facing a HARDER random foe with standard resources and game-speed. I would tell you if there was something truly off the beaten default setting. Ultimate Apocalypse allows you to also enable a heroes xp gain “mod” routine for units to get better as they live longer and gather combat experience. It’s fantastic, because it brings scrutiny to the task of keeping the things you build alive, and make them worth your while by keeping squads reinforced and upgraded with heavy weapons.

I tried to grab some screen-caps, but it failed.

I’ll probably have a resounding conclusion to this chain of articles, but consider a 3rd portion utterly necessary, as I have yet to see the AI beyond these few maps and have a very limited number of “games played,” recorded as usable data. Time will have better stories, as is often the case with the RTS genre.

Victory Condition: Assassinate (Part I)

This is a complicated theory, because it exercises a new set of criteria for victory that would not be normally available. These additional conditions and their corresponding strategic exploits are the subject of great fascination on my part. Namely, it seems like this mode of gameplay was SPECIFICALLY CONCEIVED with the intent that one was to come up with newer, cleverer ways to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. It’s a lot like billiards. The commander is the 8 ball. Don’t miss the 8 ball. Take good care of the 8 ball.

This gameplay adjustment works on unit-based RTS games, not tech-based. In a tech-based (see Age of Empires) game, you can’t put THAT high a price on a single unit. Your civilization has endured time and trial not because of extensive resources spent on combat-ready units, but spent on technology and other required items for advancing the civilization. These games focus on combat as a crescendo, whereas, in unit-based RTS games, building combat-ready units happens fast, and becomes parallel to survival and success. Techs are around, but they’re not focal to the advancement of the game. Dawn of War is different in that it can maintain a healthy and diverse unit population while also weighing in a good amount of techs to research to improve units and one’s economy. In a tech-based game, great stretches of time pass before the first real engagement of any worth takes place, but in a unit-based game, confrontation is immediate and fully necessary for territory control and resources (gained, see economy). So, I draw a line here: Dawn of War will be the relative middle-ground between these two opposing forces. It seems logical enough to classify it this way, considering there are still tech tiers to be researched through, but they are not at the absolute center of activity and gameplay.

There are multiple reasons for Dawn of War’s success as an RTS, but mostly because of the correct initial equation = keeping balance between these two distinguished classes of RTS yet having enough to differentiate. Running the Ultimate Apocalypse Mod v. 1.73, the equation is only improved; adding deeper levels of unit-specific customizations, and much more involved conditions for achieving victory. The AI was also dramatically changed, and performs very well in skirmishes. All of that should be said, clearly, the game is at the top of a short list of sensational RTS games. Dawn of War (henceforth UA) is classic fun with the right configuration settings popped on (or off). All my skirmishes are 2 victory conditions: annihilate (destroy all structures capable of unit production = win) or assassinate (Kill enemy commander = win).

Which brings us back home: the assassinate victory condition. Truly, a ton of fun fort players. It’s a lot like the great ancestor to all these games, chess, in that you’ve got just 1 piece that can’t be put in danger, EVER. He just can’t die. If he dies, you lose.

I have actually never tested the AI’s ability to manage their commander on the assassinate victory condition.

I’ve played a zillion matches with annihilate, and killed commanders all the while. But this next time will be different. Because the AI is going to get a pre-built commander right from the get-go, and I wonder what it’s programmed to do with that. Will it use the commander to snag territory from me early? Will it cripple its own economy in order to cache in on the upgrades first-thing?

I will have an articulate post about how that goes, as soon as I’ve collected enough data to be satisfied of its eventual integrity.

For now, I offer some game theory and conjecture: since my commander can’t help my economy, he really has very little use in UA. He’s going to sit around for a while not getting into trouble, while my economy gets going, and then once I have a few hundred requisition laying around, I’ll buy some upgrades for him. That could EASILY take the first 10 minutes of the game to get him up to level 4 with all items upgraded. AI is in my base at the 5 minute mark almost every single time EXCEPT when they play Necrons. Then I don’t see them until it’s already too late.

I’ll be developing a build order much the same way I have it down now. But it’s the actual combat gameplay that worries me. Sure the commander has a HUD icon that will tell me if he’s in trouble, but it’s the having him out and about that worries me. He has no build function, so I can’t use him to help me in any other way than to have him go out and fight shit. Which he can be good at, but if he gets mobbed or runs into something of consequence, we’re going to have a big problem.

Commanders are hard to kill, but easily within the realm of possibility on your average game. I lose my primary commander at least once a game, which now, I can’t do. Can’t just build him again if he houses the central consciousness behind my entire civilization…

Well folks… I’m going to go try my hand at UA again after a long respite with Forged Alliance. Mainly, I need to get refocused on this core game, because it so clearly illustrates the RTS genre, and is a great tool for teaching. Jacqueline is going to come over Saturday night, and we’re going head-first into UA. If she’s going to learn, it had better be with the best.

Like I said, here ends part 1. Stay tuned for more.


Dazed sweet caress

Of gentile down & dew

Brought spoiled sunlight bare

The burden of heat wanes

Past scorn her servant

A solution same

To reason through doubt

Fissured in hate

Divided by lands crossed

Vexation plain

But avoided all the same

A trial by the fire

A steward’s course is laid

Take hold the mantle

Of times


Supreme Commander: Forged Alliance (Total Mayhem 1.20) GAME NOTES

So, I’ve been exclusively playing Forged Alliance with the Total Mayhem 1.20 mod: and there have been some pretty awesome games, and some unexpectedly bad endings. Let me clarify a few changes the mod has implemented, for anyone who has played an unmodified version of FA and happens to wonder why this outdated RTS is so damn captivating NOW. First off, each faction has 1-3 new units per tech level, usually a heavy ground unit or even additional aircraft or (rarely) a naval unit. These new units are factory produced, so you have to build and tech-up a factory to get access to them. NURP. Next, in addition to these factory-bound units, each faction has 4-7 freestanding individual units they can build PER TECH LEVEL. Your commander and all subsequent engineers you build will all have the ability to do this, producing some of the game’s best units, like devastating battle mechs, very very large and well armed tanks, and behemoth aircraft that obliterate everything in their way. These units take some time to construct and usually require several people to come help in order to have them done in a timely fashion. Well worth the price, mind you. These units are hard to stop, or at least, some of the larger ones are. There are smaller, less powerful options as well; allowing the possibility of making lots of units versus just one big fucking-chonga-huge game-ender. So, it expands the strategy options, either way you look at it. More units = more like TA which is the greatest RTS ever. Duh.

Like I was saying; the unmodified version is limited by comparison to Total Mayhem. I love having diverse armies, especially with Aeon’s options: two heavy one assault tank at tech 1, and the same at tech 2. Plus more medium and light options. If desired. Heavy/assault units tend to have spectacular weapons. Aeon weapons are all charged particle emitters and high energy lasers. PERSONAL FAVORITES! Especially Tech 2 fixed defenses. They have a sexy high-energy particle emitting laser and it damn near kills anything of consequence with a single shot. And from… over there, as well.

So, the game is diverse. You have a lot more to think about than in most any other game. It’s not a clear-cut BO every time. My Build Order changes rapidly based on circumstance and the AI type I’m playing. I do rather well against Rush AI in its various permutations. Sorian Rush dies nearly every time because of an over-stretched commander wandering WAY too fucking far out there doing no good at all. I NEVER LEAD WITH A COMMANDER. It seems pretty obvious to me that if we’re going to have a knife fight, I better not shield myself with my testicles.

My commander is always at home somewhere, or in the kitchen absorbing map-bound resources. Or if I’m feeling zippity-doo-da daring, I’ll run him out there and absorb front-line corpses and wreckage that is usually found in areas of contention. I’ve recently been testing whether it’s prudent to upgrade the commander’s independent systems (an innovation from it’s counterpart TA), like making the commander capable of building tech 2 stuff, or maximizing the range of his primary weapon, or making his overcharge (see, nerfed d-gun) more effective. I’ve been giving him the ability to go tech 2 once my factories make it there and my economy is doing well. His engineering suite, I assume, is the best, so there’s no reason not to have him help build or independently construct T2 shit. If needed, mind you.

I’ve never made him more offensively useful, though I can only imagine that someone out there uses the commander that way. Fuck, if the game allows you to do it, someone has “that way” of winning all figured out. And someone is already figured the best way to win with an upgraded offensive commander as the lead dog in the vanguard. Why the hell not I say? Isn’t that what a good RTS is all about?

So, I’ve had some practice against Sorian Rush AI, classic Rush AI, and Sorian Adaptive AI all on either 10km or 5km maps. 20, 40 and 80+ are insane. I don’t even understand how you can just “well, OK then” play on such a giant ass map. You’d be to T2 before you even bumped faces with your foe. Which is boring, and managing so much BASE. MAH BASE IS HUUUUUUUUUGGGGE. I’m not really a fan of that, so 10km is plenty of wiggle room, and 5km is a heated scrap. No game-timers running past 25 minutes. UNTZ *FLEX*.That’s how we DO IT.

So, these previously mentioned AI settings all lead commander, which as you know, I think is silly. So, therefore: I tend to win via stupid neglectful over-maneuver by said AI. My T2 gunships get commanders almost every time I play on 10km maps, because the middle is JUST TOO FAR from safety at the 20 minute mark. No AI builds decent stationary defenses, with the exception of the Sorian Turtle, which I have yet to defeat. Either way you look at it, it is more often than not a bad way to die by losing your commander as part of your front line defenses. Losing him to a nuke or powerful unit is another matter entirely. Acceptable, yes, not IDEAL to die, but it happens.

This is my pickle: I can’t beat the Turtle AI. Its got a better build order than I do. Now, if you’ve come this far, maybe you’ll go a bit farther and review my Build Order variant to check it for strategic flaws.


1x land factory

1-2x adjacent mass extractor

3-5x adjacent power generator

Land Factory:

5x T1 Engineer


1x T1 Assault Tank

2x T1 Heavy Tank

Commander repeats w/ Air Factory instead of Land Factory

Air factory IMMIDIATLEY goes T2

4 T2 Engineers

5x T1 Engineers fan out capping mass and building AA turrets all over the place. Hydrocarbon if it’s around, surrounding with power storage and surrounding mass with mass storage.

At this point, I’ll send commander to make a second Land Factory and have it go T2 as well. Economy permitting. I’m usually in the red on mass for some stretch of this tactic, but having a few engineers break off and reclaim trees, rocks (whatever happens to have mass and be reclaimable) and just do that for a while until I can get some stuff built. Once a mass extractor with 4 mass storage goes T2, I flatten out and go green in mass.

I don’t start building T2 independent units until after my factories are producing T2 tanks consistently. Then when I do go, I start in on the Aeon’s T2 Advanced Battle Mech. It’s sturdy, and kills damn near everything it bumps into. Commanders included.

I’ve either won if I kept my mass out of the redline long enough to get to T2 extractors, or I died from any number of foul-ups along the way. Like not absorbing enough mass to get through the T2 transition, or popping off to many auto-builds at one time, or having 5 engineers cranking on various long-term projects simultaneously. My economy being crippled by early agitators is also another way to lose, and lose quickly. I’ve surrendered 1 commander kill, due in large part to aggressive gameplay, and straight-up neglect. I forgot about WHERE he was patrolling, and he got wiped out by some T2 tanks in a bushel. Bah. Not my fault. I was focused on my blob of units making it’s way through his outer defenses. And I got gut punched in the guts and now my guts hurt. Narm.

Anyway, this is certainly an arbitrary review and gameplay theory rant.

I’ll conclude by stating that the better the RTS game is, the more free one is to individually craft a gameplay style from the available resources of the game’s interface and capabilities. To have an RTS which captures the essence of Total Annihilation by preserving a diverse array of units and build orders, while also innovating enough new game features to captivate us all over again, is truly a great thing. Forged Alliance might be a bit outdated, but honestly, I couldn’t ask for a more unique and unrivaled gameplay experience. It is truly designed with an RTS gamer in mind. The absence of the minimap is terrifying, UNLESS you can zoom out and see every single thing on the game-field with the scroll wheel on your mouse. NO NEED for a minimap now. And strategic icons, because units get too small to see individually. INNOVATIVE I say. So far, I have run up against a firm challenge in the Turtle Sorian AI, so I shall surely have something new to write about soon.

Farewell gamers, and long live your commander.

As Gandalf would say:

“Keep it secret. Keep it safe!”

Lost My Marbles!

Seriously you guys. I have no one in my world to talk to about all these crazy-insane feelings I have inside me. There’s no one to listen to my hurt, my alarm, my dismay… and all the extra fun bonus shit I don’t have a quick name for. I want to be heard goddamnit! So, I yell into the ether of cyberspace. And it’s my right and responsibility to represent myself at all times as an honest appraisal of the real me, otherwise, what’s the point if I’m just lying about everything? I’m certainly not growing or learning anything by doing that. I try to garner something useful from all calamity, anyway. In reality, I’m much more contrite about all this stuff. It’s underneath the floorboards of my home. Ever present Edgar Alan Poe-esk beating heart still haunting me, I reckon. I guess my unreconciled feelings are largely corked because in therapy I’m not dealing with these emotions specifically right now (Jax). We’re looking at the deeper trauma, older relationships, ancient hurts. Maybe that’s just bringing back more nasty memories into the forefront. So I’ll be frank, that my last utterance was harsh, but also reasonable in most respects.


Because: I still wanted to try though, to make it right between us, and you broke my heart. Smashed it. I still wanted you after the affair and all that, but you’ll not have me back, a shamed cuckold who is more angry and bitter about his downfall into darkness than he is acknowledged and understood. Easily said!

But hey, I have a right to my feelings, whatever horrible form they decide to take. In this case, brutally honest. AND HEY: I’ve been nattering on about all the things I’m trying to do better, to get right after a mistake was made. I try endlessly to figure out my part, my problems, my mistakes in this whole falling out. I think I have a pretty good handle on my issues. Want me to rattle off a few here that I’ve specifically been working on:

  1. Acknowledgment without judgement or implication
  2. Self-regulation of emotional responses based on known triggers
  3. Middle-mindedness and introspection as part of a healthy world outlook

I still need some practice with 2 and 3, but I’m great at helping identify and understand feelings, and I’ve been practicing my skills at my DBSA meetings. I hope to continue to improve at these things and reach my goals of being self-sufficient and personally responsible.

It’s lofty, but I deserve something better than the standard lot for someone with my diagnosis. Seriously.

I think I have a right to be pissed. It’s my feeling, so I’m going to have it whether you think it’s a good idea or not. My life as I knew it has been rotting in the sun for some weeks now. I’ve had to go back to square 1 and try to reassemble a new reality. From nothing. With nothing to hold on to. From the brink of suicide, to abandonment, to the slow march of progress as done by the retarded.

Yes, I’ll admit, I’m pretty fucking retarded. No doubt. It is both endearing and frustrating. My brain might as well be silly dough. My intellect is keen, but all the pieces around it are fucking hopeless. Pretty much.


So, yeah. I’m still angry inside me. And I have a right to blast my ex right off her port bow. KABOOM! So be it!



Even though I hate them, I still get why. I don’t happen to AGREE with why, but I get it.  Isn’t that love though? You have to be proactive, and re-woo her constantly or she’ll get bored and leave you. Sounds like a great dynamic.  I think the way we express love is really dumb. We overextend, then to be forced to retreat when the price is too high for stability, then struggle anew. Women, to love you endlessly seems beyond your comprehension. I’ve loved, LOVED 3 people in my mercurial little life. 3 distinct ways of loving, now no longer needed. I’m actually thinking of boarding up the whole place and abandoning this road for a while. What the fuck do I need love for? It’s a frightful mess of unexplained expectations and unrecognized feelings. I couldn’t have picked 3 worse fits. Each person I loved, without restraint or barricade. Instead of being loved back, I was scrutinized and found unworthy of being loved back. My definition is different that your piece of crap way of understanding love. So, goodbye to romance and the silliness of love. There’s no reason to think I’m going back to that zone anytime soon. So get it off my wagon, we’re already overloaded. And to my loves, who don’t give a shit what I have to say, I still love thee, though, I also don’t want thee back. Our lives are over. I’m never going to be with any of you again, and I’d rather it that way. In my opinion, love was a test that I passed, and you failed. You utterly failed to understand the depth and seriousness of the bond I tried to make with you. A “for life” bond that you threw out like a used condom. So, you fail. And as a result of your abysmal, selfish, brutal failing in this department, you are disqualified from my concern or worry. It’s a solid feeling, this whole “being over you” thing I’ve got working. I feel liberated, free. Free from your oppression, your ignorance, and perplexing yet different view of this world and it’s worth. How does it feel to be chucked into the nearest waste-bin like so many soggy bouquets? I’m spiteful because I have the right to be. You fucked me. I was left wanting. You are the quitter. When I wanted to try again, you wanted to fuck me in the ass. So, adieu. I’m through feeling for you. I’m long since done with caring. To extricate myself from your world would be a pleasure, so let’s divorce. Really, I have the Summary Dissolution paperwork prepared, so let’s get this over with. And woe to you who fall in with these pestilent serpents of love: they will choke the life out of your dreams and replace them with lies. Promise things that they have no intention of doing. Cheat, lie and betray your way to the next victim. Good luck out there. Sarcastically.

I’m not saying you are alone in the blame. But we’re not talking about how I fucked up today. We’re trying to hold you accountable. But you are a liar, and you take no personal responsibility for anything you do.

I do not feel I cheated but I do feel it wasn’t a good idea, wasn’t a good time, and that I shouldn’t have told you. I asked for a divorce before anything happened, but when you came home you acted as if I never asked.”

Right. Because that’s how the world works “I got permission to fuck other men, so I will.” Is that what you’re saying? That I knew what you were going to do and I was fine with it. After, in your dramatic fashion, told me you “just can’t do this anymore.” What choice did you leave me? Could I have said: NO WE’RE STILL MARRIED YOU HAVE TO STICK WITH ME REGARDLESS? If you wanted out, admit it, embrace it, and move the fuck on you coward. Regardless of what you think you “got permission” to do, the LAW doesn’t see it your way. What you did is called adultery, not OK sex with another guy while LEGALLY MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE. Sorry, I just don’t see how me saying ANYTHING gives you the right to cheat on me, irregardless of words I spoke. WE ARTE STILL MARRIED RIGHT THIS SECOND. And this makes you a delinquent to your marital responsibilities, and most definitely makes you a cheater in addition to several other undesirables. Embrace it Jax… you’re not going to get far if you just lie to yourself and make believe it was all OK and you did no wrong. You are what you’ve done. Spin it how you like for your own deluded purposes. I’ll have no belief in your story, because it is a self-serving lie to cover your ass for fear of being held accountable for your misconduct. IN THE EYES OF THE LAW. Not me. This is the state of California you owe an explanation to. Not that you will…


Wow. I’m so glad I have this blog where I can freely express my hair-brained theories and thoughts. Please don’t take me too seriously. I’m largely detached from this crisis. It just baffles me the way she can go around lying, living a fake life built on the foundations I helped establish. All of which have been quite abandoned, albeit. But whatever, it’s your life. Run it into the ground as you see fit. Live like an ignorant 23 year old does, blindly fumbling about for companionship but lost to the cause of self. Oh there’s so much more to say, but I’m tired of railing against the deaf, dumb and blind. It serves no gain other than my own, now indulged, is sated.




I just dropped the fucking mic. How about that?


It’s my blog…




Eyes in the sunlight

Gleaming twins of razor

Sharply the dagger still

But mortal no more

The disdainful murdered

Conveyor of mischief

And adulterer to reason

Mourn battered hatches still

A traitor’s regret pooling

Flood-waters encroach

The harbor of sanity

Roll back the tide of gain

Reduced to rubble

The firm against change

The lost without roads

A wanderer’s peril is fancy

Havens are warm

With the sounds

Of harmony

Progress is a step


But hindered is the fallow way

Towards dismay

Alone but aware

Together and the same

An new dawn is breaking

On the world of fear

Stand amidst bridges

Prevail all the same


So, that’s me closing the book. I tried to be overtly civil, and that just got argued with. Frankly, I’m having a good enough time to not jeopardize it to worrying about Jax. My friend circle is growing, my DBSA meeting is going well, I have time to grow and be at peace if need be, and I’m on the cusp of entering a program which is sure to get me back in the workplace sooner rather than later. I’m excited about these things. My life is not where I want it to be, clearly, but we’re building the thing up right. I feel like my head is above the trees, and at last I’m getting a good look around. It’s refreshing!

Jax, I’m really sorry about your life. It’s going to get a lot worse before it gets better, I believe. You’ve made none of the steps to ensuring good health for your brain. That usually leads to disaster.

Meanwhile, I’ll be rebuilding the mansion. Brick by brick, this bitch is getting done. I am terse because it’s a crime to read something and not in any way understand it. Like my post, for example. Which is not malicious in any respect.

Regardless. Done. Moving on.


Why not forgive? It seems like, if you are complicated enough to experience joy, pain and boredom, you could manage to release the negative feelings associated with me. It’s only a burden on you, which is why I petition you to forgive and forget me. I’m not the one you want, but I could certainly do less harm to your fragile world than I already seem to. If you could let go of the animosity, the disdain, the hate even. It seems to me that since you have no way of expressing or receiving gratification and acknowledgement for said harbored feelings, that it might just be easier to release them from concern. I am willing to listen, and hear your feelings. Though, I doubt you will take me up on this offer, but if you want to call me just to express your contempt, I would be ok with that. You WILL be acknowledged. Recognized as valid and the importance of said feelings reiterated and recorded. It’s really the last thing I have left to offer you. So, take me up on that if you want to exercise healthy recovery from poisonous feelings held tight to the self without hope of release. It sounds to me like a lot has been going on, and maybe it would be nice to know someone out there still thinks about you, still cares about what you do or do not do. I still contemplate a way out of this pickle and on to something that works. That does not have the same stigmatized feelings as before, but is universally new and intended to suit our now independent lives. Is animosity worth holding on to?


If it’s any consolation:

I have written before that I could not forgive you. I’m mistaken. I CAN and DO now forgive you for ending our life together. For leaving me and taking up the arms of another while I was in the Psych Hospital. I also forgive you for the anger-driven words, the intentions and the scalding nature of our break-down. I am strong enough to recognize your feelings and move beyond that. It’s washed clean, as far as I’m concerned. If we meet, it is as distinct adults, drifting on the open sea of time and change. But I doubt we will cross paths. It seems like that’s the way you want it to be. I’m not one to argue anymore, so there we have it.




Game Theory: Forged Alliance

I’m using the Total Mayhem Mod version 1.2.


First, let me say that no game will ever usurp Total Annihilation as the greatest RTS of all time. It’s just not going to ever be like that again. TA was free-form RTS, with the action largely dictated by personal style rather than the obvious path to victory. Never has the influence of the chaos principle been so relevant. Every match, especially against a human opponent, had any number of random things happen during the course of a game. And I mean RANDOM. One time, no shit, I sent a nuke to Eric Madigan’s base indiscriminately targeting an industrial complex, but before the missile hit it’s target is smashed into a scout aircraft and exploded in the air doing no damage. Games could last 2 hours, because TA made it really hard to put the kibosh on your foe until finding their commander hiding in a pool of water somewhere. Fucker.

Anyway, TA with the Units Compilation Pack is deadly fun. However. The AI on medium made me look like a retard humping a doorknob. Worse, so did the easy. So I surrendered attempting to play that game for a time. I’ve since moved on to the spiritual successor to TA, in the Supreme Commander Series. Specifically, Forged Alliance, a stand-alone expansion to the first Supreme Commander game. It introduced a 4th race, the Seraphim. So, using a heavily altered  version of that core game, with the Total Mayhem 1.2 mod integrated, I’ve been having a go at this innovative and tactically marvelous RTS game. I’ve stuck with Aeon, as they have the juiciest particle weapons and high energy lasers. And they do it from… over there (see, ranged units). I go into thinking about how just a few automatons made this game such a smash hit. It kept the raw input style like TA had, but gave you some neat options that were before TA’s time. Like Re-positionable waypoints, waypoint ETAs, refueling aircraft, upgradable commander units, adjacency bonuses… the list goes on. But it makes a few things clear: some thought went into how to make this 4 faction game as successful as the 2 faction “legend” of TA. It has the right pieces, and looks pretty, so it has enough going for it to serve as a unique bridge-game between fixed-position resource RTS games like Dawn of War, and free-form games like TA, where user input dictated nearly all aspects of unit production and base construction. So, Forged Alliance, running the TM Mod, turns out to be distinct and brilliant. Let me share a few poignant moments as I have run through a half dozen full games or so and have anecdotes:

MEMO TO RUSH AI: All those years of TA taught me how to manage a commander. If he’s killed, the game ends, so really don’t let THAT be the way you die. Inevitably, it is though. And since there is no obliterate-ingly powerful d-gun to dispose of your foes with, you have a durable and upgradeable warrior who can take and dish out punishment to manage all the same. So, I treat mine very well. I don’t run my commander out in the front of the fucking offensive to prove a point. If he goes there, it’s for a damn good reason and there most likely is not one handy, so he stays in the kitchen cooking a pie where he fucking belongs. I’ve had T2 gunships (3) ace a commander who got WAY too far from his home base. Another time, I finished building one of TM’s freestanding advanced units, and their commander waltzed right into him and ate a fat turd. I’ve gone commanders fighting commanders, and then I gave up and built a stationary defense to chase the other commander away. I’ve even torpedoed a commander who was trying to get the hell away from an aircraft. HA HA.

Anyway. Games are hard, but fun when they end in a strange way. Especially with these types of games, where the outcomes are never the same. Where the fights are different, every time. The disputed territory is always somewhere new. The strategy may feel the same, but is different every time it gets executed. That’s the brilliance of it: you decide your fate. Winning strategy results in, duh. Everything else is just a bad try or simply, a flawed strategy. I will get good with Forged Alliance and then try my hand with the UCP turned on. There are literally 4 pages of units per factory. 4 pages of kbots, and 4 pages of vehicles. I might even be underestimating. That’s just tier I. Tier II is twice as big. It’s gotta be like 250 units a side, counting buildings. FUCK.

Peace brothers. Game on.


Dispatches From The Front

I have had some time to sit here and think. Boy. I really had the hammer fall on me. It really breaks down to a few sordid details: can I be a good steward of my life? Will I be able to handle the next dramatic thing that is sure to happen? I’m not making anything unnecessary happen, so that’s good. And by that, I mean to say I’m not adding any more drama to the situation by managing my life. The circle is expanding, yes, but these things take serious time, and should be done right lest they need be done over again. I have to make it this time, and the weight of that is smashing me down… sometimes.

I’m still achieving goals. The next one is looming: on the 29th I have a Department Of Rehabilitation appointment to be processed into their program. That’s really exciting, because things are going to rapidly pick up speed once that happens. I will be enrolled in a recovery program that will help me get a job, and maintain that job for a long time. HOPEFULLY.

If there is one thing I can say about myself in comparison to my ex wife, it is that I continue to strive for self improvement. My ex is now actively dating other men. I have a difficult time thinking that is a grand idea, but it’s not my life. Maybe she’s stronger than I am and can handle having a partner back in her world. Maybe?

It’s sad that people are treating her poorly. EVEN THOUGH I have no reason to give a shit, I still care about her. I still want the best for her. How could I not? I loved that woman. I don’t just throw that out like she would (did). I was supposed to be tied to her for the rest of my life. Not so, yet, there is still room for decency.

Things are going along nicely, other than the occasional hiccup with momentary issues overriding the primary goal: independent life. I am going to get back there this year, and I am going to be stronger and more able than ever before, because my independent life is a matter of my self worth and pride. I still have pride, despite being a humiliated cuckold. My life deserves to be lived with a sense of importance and merits therein.

Me and my friend Jacqueline are talking regularly sharing the arbitrary pain of life. She works really hard, and I can see that and admire her effort. She’s a good person to look at as a role model: sticking with it despite suffering. It’s all too often true that we make life harder than it has to be, so realistic people like Jacqueline but things back into perspective. Heck, my life looks pretty sad by comparison… but eh. It’s a project I continue to work on without need for noticeable completion or marked by pauses in progress. Things are happening, I know that, so why stress unduly?

I honestly hope my ex wife finds some peace. Her turbulent life is not a good place for healthy mental habits to form. She’s got a lot more to sort out, I think… being the one who dumped me, being the one who cheated and broke the whole world so she could go have a life she would get excited about. It’s going to take a lot for that whole thing to be right, like in her head, where it all must make sense and be justified despite clear violations of morality. I hope that pill is not too tough to swallow. Life is hard enough.

I’ll close with some placid thoughts: got 5 RTS games on my PC right now, and they are all so vastly different from each other. I’ve been thinking a lot about game design and mechanics, as I am prone to reflect on my own RTS game called PRIME. I will make a new blog post where I lay out the incorporated elements me and Will once planned to introduce once we had the available resources to launch this game theory into reality. It’s profoundly advanced. Uses sound unlike any other game. Makes improvements to the existing standards which innovate and stand apart from the market’s current saturation of RTS games.

Something to look forward to?


Cap In Hand

Betwixt the lines,
Of self and hate:
A mood declines,
And can’t abate,
Implication steady,
Cap in hand,
Arise already,
And make thy stand!
Behind is done.
Tomorrow is new,
The learned have won,
This moral true:
A disparaging down;
Breeds only a rise.
To shout through town,
“I wear no disguise!”
Behold I parry!
What foes presume,
And again contrary,
To normal views.

Returning The Serve

Hello again my dear friend,

I have had a hard time writing. Things are a bit blocked-up or clogged in my brain. Lately, I’ve been feeling the pinch of urgency and the rapid need for progress. I’m making steps, just in my own way and time; that’s got everyone a bit nervous that I might somehow find this proxy living situation to be permanent. That I may want for stagnation, and make no progress advancing my goals. I endeavor to avoid this doom, but I remind myself that I face it, which can drive down my mood. AND that last sentence incorporated “doom” followed by its anagram. Thanks, I’ll be here all week.

Your words this time around I found particularly inspiring. Driven with the cause of desire. Propagated and externalized with the insistence of a plea. I’m humbled by your concern, which is far more then I feel I deserve. I sense that my life’s pendulum antics have given rise to a common feeling; we both possess the ability to experience it. What we do from here, at the pint of recognition, is the key. Either I can start doing battle with this thing, or I can supplicate and let it own me. I’ve been fighting hard against the desire to cave-in and surrender. It’s harder when I truly detest myself and wouldn’t mind it if I was dead.

It’s a road rife with peril: but it’s the one I’m bound to in this life. I’m not a strong-enough person to pull myself free of the calamity… I soldier on with well-dipping hopes regardless.

I will take to heart and hold on to the words and suggestions you have given me. I especially appreciate the Church of Billy Joel. I am The Stranger.

What is important is that you care, and it is your intention to see nothing but benefit come of this exchange. I wholeheartedly agree. I can see no better use for a friendship that to stimulate and encourage the growth of life, peace, prosperity from said arrangement. This seems to be your objective as well as mine, which is a find-and-dandy thing to have in common. Since we pursue goals, our struggle with no doubt be festooned with plagues and peril, but it’s too good to not fight for.

I find myself at a loss to continue, only because I have no direction for which to take the discourse. My struggles will continue much as they have for weeks, until I am strong enough to have and keep a job, and provide. I am a ways off from that objective, mostly because my mental health has to be rebuilt from shambles. But I’m still here. Still fighting.

If you have a question that you’d like to have answered, feel free to inquire. I am an open book. I’ve recently become friends with a new person with the same name as my ex wife. Nice? She’s kind and listens. Seems interested in casual sex as friends but I’m terribly unsure if this is a good idea. I yearn for something that feels good, but at the same time, recognize my state as fragile. Thankfully, none of this is a secret to her. Being aware of the problem helps to make with the intelligent decisions.

Well. It’s morning and I am drinking my coffee in my humble tent-like abode. I have a busy end of the week coming up here. Good. Busy means no time for unwanted creepy thoughts to get back in. I plod on. One little footstep in front of the other to success.


Rocks came out the tumbler today. They look pretty sweet. Lots of color.

IMG_0052 IMG_0054

I also reinstalled Total Annihilation with the Unit Compilation Pack. I’ll let you know once I actually play a game. Rumor has it: TA is really hard and I’m not mad skills enough to make much progress against the AI. It seems to use the new units well. More betters then me does.


It’s a mercurial world I reside in; the temper of which is inexplicable. My desires and intentions are muddied and lost in the still clear pond water of my consciousness. Somewhere along the way, I get turned in to a frog or some other undesirable, or the language in which escape is written becomes an illegible scrawl on the side of a cave. I’m both agitated and befuddled. Both culprit and clown. There is no end to the axial dysfunction, so why not stretch the thing as far as it will go? An offer coded in the temptation of despair. I am banished to the oubliette of want.

In times such as these, I find myself at a loss to initiate progress. JUST THE THING that might help stem the tide of rage; perplexed, forsaken, and used to further bludgeon my state into a wallowing mire of despair. I find no solace in accomplishment, only an insistence that it was not done soon enough, or done too late for it to be of any worth. So there you have it. Logical mind poisoned. Spreading malicious filth wherever it goes.

This is my escape. My outlet in words. So that somehow, someway, you might hear me. You might just hear the heart being ripped free of my body. You might be privy to the collapse of my will. Ambition might finally turn to arrogance. Love might go away and not look to be found again.

It’s a good thing I’m loved. Otherwise, the hell I experience as part of my life would be unusually unbearable. My parents saved me, and continue to do so despite my attempts to wriggle free. I have nothing I can give back to them. I’m temporarily useless. Saturated in guilt.

For the immediate future, I have booked items that are to require my attention. I have a reminder app that tells me what I have still to do. I look at it every day. Some things are easier to handle than others. At this uncertain juncture, I appeal to mercy to show me some way to get my head back where it belongs. Grounded firmly in a variety of reasoning that is unlikely to lead me to suicide, or nagging thoughts therein. Unworthy and temperamentally unwanted, I strive for something better than what is. Consistently endeavoring to be alive again. With help. I just might get there.


I’m stuck in a bad place. I have vivid thoughts of hatred permeating my every action. Sulking, head down, loping along like a diseased animal, I pathetically wait for death. My courage is frail and my will to survive is all but whisked away like so much unwanted dust. Trying to combat, I vary approaches to tasks, introduce new elements but to no real avail. I still stagnate. Hating myself. HATING. I’m lost in dread, obscured by pain. I’m driven to write, only that there be some break in the monotony of feelings overloading me. There is nothing to hold on to. So I fall.


Notwithstanding change
Bring me words, tastes
The dire emblem forgotten
Placid on the row of dreams
Bitterly clutching remember me’s
Of bygone eras opened to love
Scuttled on sorrow
Blasted by disdain
Chimney soot ridden
Old elephant memories
Arrogantly abated
By the riggers of time
But where does trouble end?


I had to bail on last night’s get-together. It got to be after 8 and I was feeling very exhausted. I couldn’t imagine being MORE tired later and need to drive home still. So, I had to put the kibosh on that plan. I take the Doxepin in the evening, and it usually knocks me out right before bed-time. So I would have had to postpone taking my antidepressant until much later in order to stay out and play. I was weighing things and it was not looking like a smart decision to go. Too many unfriendly variables involved. I feel sad for having missed a chance to be social, but then again, this recovery has to happen on my terms, and being a good steward to myself and my mental health is the top priority. Nothing I do from here on out can be based on anything less than that absolute ultimatum. That’s going to limit my options, yes, but in the end, it’s only symbolic of my whole life. I’m a limited person, reduced in full capacity and to be handled with care. I have been through many hands, and no one wants to hold on for long. So, this too contributes to a desire for limited contact. I can’t be who you want me to be, so why are we still pretending I can be?

Jax had good reasons for jumping ship. I’m not saying that it was the right choice, but it had reasons for being done the way it was done. There’s this guy who came to my peer group last time named Robert. He was looking for family member support because his wife has major depression. So, he wanted to learn as much as he could about mental illness and how he could help his partner. Because he loves her, and continues to keep her in his thoughts and concerns. And this mental health / depression “thing” was just a difficult obstacle that they had to overcome as a team going forward in life.


HOW THAT SEEMS ALMOST ROMANTIC in light of my own struggles. I’d date that guy.  Seriously though, my partner got scared of the reality of my mental illness, and abandoned me. This guy’s wife is sick, and he wants to learn how to help, while mine wants to run the fuck away. It really brings to light how much I despise my ex for cheating and quitting on her life with me. What a fucking coward you are Jax! I think that goes without saying, and many other slanderous things could be said, but won’t be.

I have only the evidence of people who are actually trying to have better lives around me to guide my continued steps. As I struggle, I see how the world is different, how it is still the same, but most importantly, how I need to adjust to be a part of it once more. I feel like I need to be in a much bigger hurry than I am. But I’m only going to get up to speed again if I can roll along for a while here and accumulate some velocity. YOU KNOW?


I’m fine with that. It is not possible to heal any faster then it’s going to take to get better. I have a Dept. of Rehabilitation intake on the 29th, which will mark the beginning of the Lone Bull Project objective of exploring employment opportunities a reality. I need to go at a decent speed, one that will not make me feel like shit for how I am bound to do things. I am attempting to avoid major mistakes, and continue to evolve as a person. The principles of my Project are around to guide me, which helps my success-oriented goals become real. I have compassion, understanding and the freedom to heal. Living my life with whom I can and with love I treasure; I could not ask for a better place to re-acquire my sea legs. As it were.

Field Trips

I have made group social interactions a part of my recovery from this most-recent life collapse. I stated going to a DBSA Support Group here just down the street, which will be rewarding once I get over the shock of seeing all those people just LOOKING at me. I can feel their eyes running like ants all over my skin. I mostly kept my head down, and sponged. I have also been invited by Jacqueline (new) to a party type thing tonight. Apparently she knows the dude who hit it big with the Killer Bunnies franchise. And there will be games, fun and laughter, truly. So this is all going well. I’m in a battle for identity with the fear and paranoia of anxiety to strike flame to the kindling. I have a hard time still, understanding who I am. I sit here and write, and I still do not know. Am I a guy who needs someone else to be complete? Do I have the strength to be my own person with my own boundaries in any sort of relationship I become involved in?

But getting out will be good for me. That much is certain. And going back to the DBSA group will only bring good things to my world. Even if the challenge, right now, seems daunting. I still have responsibilities on my plate which require attention, but I find myself unable to resolve them. I sit and stare. It’s like I’m stuck in pause mode.

My Geodon is going up to 200 mg daily instead of 160. I think the psychotic tingly crap is still trying to leak in on the edges. So we have top sure up a bit, to keep all the crazy in the designated crazy holder.

But overall, I know measurable progress is being made. It’s going to take time before I can handle something big. But I am on the surefire road to the promised land of stability. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

EXPANDED REVIEW CONTENT: Ultimate Apocalypse 1.73.4

I’ve found peace at last. The game is, as advertised, exceptionally well balanced across the board. I’ve played 4 different races: they all peak the same way, and at roughly the same time. Tech up to tier 1 has been in 1 minute 30 seconds to 2 minutes even every time. Regardless of necessity. IG Techs internally through the HQ, but Tau require you to construct a Path to Enlightenment. It’s balanced, because it doesn’t compromise the game to have diversity of race. If everyone takes approximately the same time to get to tier 3, then chances are, the game will be more interesting. Wouldn’t it be better to have it out with a fair-fight? I get no thrill from running into your tier 2 base with my tier 4 units. Seriously not why I get off.

I have been winning against H with Tau. Switched it up to a HR and can’t win with them at all now. Finding MASSIVE success and speed with Imperial Guard. They upgrade FAST. And I’m good sticking with the infantry doctrine. Things don’t go well for me when I try to hang my hat on IG vehicles. But hey. I’m open to the possibility of changing. Had to win a long game with a Baneblade OR 2 just yesterday. Sidetracking! So, IG rebuild I’m really enjoying. Tau are spectacularly more powerful on foot. And thought the Skyray got nerfed down to 2 long range missile racks vs 4, It’s still terrific. It does damage now at much closer ranges than I remember it being willing to engage in before. It uses the long range missiles at shit that’s right in front of it sometimes. It’s a bit odd.

Like any good article worth it’s weight ins scratch: I’ve got to drop some meaningless header words in here to divide this boring block of text into something picante!


So far, I can’t say I’m happy with the STILL far too high level of bouncing singly-targeted units receive when being smacked by explosive projectiles. They can still be bounced until they die, which sucks, because literally, there are fleeting spasms of moments that would allow one to control the commander’s independent retreat function long enough to escape. But you have to be laser-kung-fu with the fingers and thinking to do it. Bullshit. THOUGH: still not as much a problem as it was. And commanders are imminently destroyable. As I’ve noted. But I’d be hard-pressed to find another good LAME.

I will have a third post later that will include a full BO for Tau and Eldar (if I can get good with both of them to feel confident dispensing advice). Feel free to ask specific inquiries if they arise. I’ve played many a game with HR at this point, so I know a few moves.

The Police – King Of Pain

There’s a little black spot on the sun today
It’s the same old thing as yesterday
There’s a black hat caught in a high tree top
There’s a flag pole rag and the wind won’t stop

I have stood here before in the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running ’round my brain.
I guess I’m always hoping that you’ll end this reign,
But it’s my destiny to be the king of pain…

There’s a fossil that’s trapped in a high cliff wall
There’s a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
There’s a blue whale beached by a springtime’s ebb
There’s a butterfly trapped in a spider’s web

There’s a king on a throne with his eyes torn out
There’s a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There’s a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There’s a skeleton choking on a crust of bread

There’s a red fox torn by a huntsman’s pack
There’s a black-winged gull with a broken back
There’s a little black spot on the sun today.
It’s the same old thing as yesterday,

@ Lake Jennings

I went on a hike with my new friend Jacqueline. I KNOW. But she’s super funny and a great person to hang with. Nice hike to get to this spot. We saw bugs. Even a daring road-crossing black widow who met her doom at the hands of my shoe. HA. Hands of my shoe is the name of my new band.

Here’s a panorama type shot I tried to take. and Splice together again afterward. Clearly.



April Mood Album – Something Wicked This Way Comes

An album capturing rejection and acceptance all in one go. Let me know if you build the album and you have thoughts about the flow of tone across the playlist.


1 Hour, 15 minutes:


1. Africa – Toto
2. The Other Guy – Little River Band
3. I Keep Forgettin’ (Every Time You’re Near) – Michael McDonald
4. King Of Pain – The Police
5. Too Low For Zero – Elton John
6. A Letter To Both Sides – The Fixx
7. Second Hand Store – Joe Walsh
8. Creep – Radiohead
9. Sign In Stranger – Steely Dan
10. I Won’t Back Down – Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers
11. Dreams – The Cranberries
12. Everywhere – Fleetwood Mac
13. Paparazzi – Lady GaGa
14. Just Like Paradise – David Lee Roth
15. New Sensation – INXS
16. Right Here Right Now – Jesus Jones
17. Don’t Stop Believin’ – Journey
18. Northern Lights – Renaissance
19. Back In The High Life Again – Steve Winwood

Tom Petty – I Won’t Back Down

Well I won’t back down,
No I won’t back down.
You could stand me up at the gates of hell,
But I won’t back down.

Gonna stand my ground,
Won’t be turned around.
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down,
Gonna stand my ground,
And I won’t back down.

Hey baby,
There ain’t no easy way out.
Hey I will stand my ground,
And I won’t back down.

Well I know what’s right,
I got just one life.
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around,
But I’ll stand my ground,
And I won’t back down.

Cessation of Diatribe?

It’s not about me this time, mostly. It’s no secret I keep my ear pretty well pinned to the ground these days. I like being informed, versus just ignoring something that caused me pain or discomfort. Shutdown doth not equal closure. I mean, wouldn’t you rather KNOW what the hell is going on? That way, no surprises. Better?

This constitutes my actions in regards to my ex. She is off living her independent life. I’m here in the Swamp making things go, day by day, in a forward direction. I really have no idea if what she’d doing is “working out” the way she thought things would. Friends she put a lot of trust and importance on, flaked, or opted out of her life and it’s drama. Such has been the case lately, as more and more of the so called “friend” circle falls apart. Now, the very schmuck who fucked my wife now wants nothing to do with her. Not surprising, but certainly not a good thing. What you don’t see, is my worry: That she’s put far too much stress on this fragile life revolving around her workplace. Now that some of those relationships fractured, her environment becomes poisoned with stale blood. I’m not sure what’s next for her, but I am concerned. She’s stubborn enough to live on the street just to show everyone that THIS is what she was forced to stoop to, because of how fucked the world is. We all know there’s not much use or truth in that mode of thinking. And she isn’t likely to take personal responsibility for anything that’s happened, regardless of outcome. So why bother?

I don’t have much to add in comparison: I’ve MADE new friends, based on principles of mutual understanding and coinciding interests. I’ve forged new ground, applying for programs, getting help, bettering my mental health support structure… all the while, my ex is drinking, making doctors appointments a low priority, and dismantling all the good work WE DID together to get her healthy. I don’t understand how ANY OF THAT makes her life better than it was before. I KNOW she’s in this ZONE of being independent, and not relying on anyone to make the wheels turn. But how practical is that? We are two sick people trying to get right in the world. It’s a hard enough job to do alone, let alone, with someone of like-minded capabilities there to help. There’s no hope of explaining any of this to her. That she could still be independent the way she wants, AND live the life she had. Or, it used to be possible to consider these things, but now, seems like desperation.

I think, despite all the pain and suffering, I’ve come out of all this feeling stronger, more capable, more loved than before. I saw what unconditional love was all about when my dad held me while the cops put handcuffs on me and hauled me off to the Psychiatric Hospital. He came to me and said “this isn’t you.” Which is right, because it’s more the Ghost then me. Me is good. Ghost is no good. Depressed and insane… not a great combo for the rational thinking.

Moral of the story: don’t stop trying, believing, thriving. Life is not a Journey song, it’s a tiresome opera with long build ups and unsubstantial crescendos. I tend to think I’m on a hard-packed path upon which many depressed people have trod. However, there is still much to be learned, and I need to be USED to the feelings of sorrow and pain that come with this disorder, while not making it any worse than it has to be.

Ultimate Apocalypse (1.73) RELEASED

Dawn of War: Soulstorm’s Ultimate Apocalypse Mod has posted a major release… really? based on what information sailor? It’s actually been out since the beginning on the month. Current permutation 1.73.4 (the .4 is no more then a basic tweak of Tyranid AI and some other stuff). The core of the Mod, 1.73, hit newsstands on the 1st. And it was no joke. YAR?

I usually play Tau Empire. I have a “thing” for ranged infantry. Tau have always been my go to, with Eldar as a faint second and Tyranids somewhere on the fringes of rarely. This Mod cropped-out Inquisition Deamonhuunt. For now. I have no idea if a rework is planned, but their commander is insane and needed a nerf very badly. But he and his faction didn’t make the cut. And neither (for now) did UA Team’s baby Chaos Deamons. Only extra race is Tyranids, which got the full overhaul, and are now a fuck-ton of fun to play and a formidable AI challenge as well. Solidly third. A few observations: I can’t seem to win with Eldar. Tau gets to 3 commanders on the battlefield = win. And commanders are imminently destroyable. DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN. Cause you’ll be all dooo dee doo dee doo, ohnoholyshitmycommanderjustfuckingdied!!!!

Games go like this: dead silence for 5 minutes on the nipple. Then early pestering at furthest captured points, then a direct assault on the home front. Right to the HQ. Failed, usually. But unnerving, and an unwanted distraction. Comes in waves. Time between averages 2 – 5 minutes. It’s a struggle to get much going. Tau have enough firepower early to keep annoying squad in-out maneuvers from breaking unit positions on the battlefield. I post units to stay their ground, and wait for the ranged to become potent enough to just keep shooting everything at arm’s length. Radius of no passage established; begin reinforcing, and teching. Pushing early at 10 minutes or somewhere between tier 2 and 3. Then Tau have some nice units which ably hold ground and walk slow, grinding everything they see with plasma. An incessant barrage of waddling mechs. That’s how it’s done.

But, I forget. Key components of the Mod’s success so far:

  1. AI stays sharp and competitive regardless of race, and plays to racial strengths. Custom build.

  2. Races have classy interface menus and tool-tips for everything. Game looks polished and integrated.

  3. Races are balanced, with unique strengths and weaknesses, contrasting stylistic preferences or applications.

  4. Hard (H) AI is adequate competition with 2 difficulty increments still unused.

  5. Units have new options, diverse customization functionality, and unprecedented relevance for game-play.

It’s a few core examples such as this that lead me to commend the team for a job well thought out and realized. The UA Team set out to make this mod stand up as a distinct and complex re-vitalization of the original game. It has done so, and opened the door for hardcore RTS gamers such as myself to enjoy thoroughly.

Over 50 matches played

75% Win on Hard AI

15% Loss to H or HR

10% Surrendered before winner could be projected

I enjoy every game. I’ve been more surprised than underwhelmed. Hardly have any issues with it, interface and in game play. I’m STILL LEARNING the new trier systems for my 3 races of interest. Tau are the simplest, Tyranids the most. Still haven’t figured out why a thermal vent power structure generates requisition for them and not power. Meh. I LIKE IT, mind you. Not complaining. Tyranids are pretty sick. Trying to figure out how to end game them, and failing so far. If I strike under 25 minutes, it’s usually with a fully upgraded Hive Tyrant and BOOM. Not a whole lot can stop him, a reinforcing Broodlord a making Lictors every few seconds. RUN AWAY.

I will have more thoughts on this as I dive deeper. I’ve not been into tier 4 yet with anyone. Closest with Tau. But they get SO GOOD before then. Why not kill them now? Why we wait, master?

For de dark gooooods.


We are all strange to each other now a days. I mean, we drive independently in cars, go to single-desk jobs, interact as needed, not as though it were necessity. Which I believe it is, and should be considered a huge part of daily operations as respect to it’s importance is due. For me, I’m discovering, I need others in the world, so I can see what I am to someone else. Acute reflectivity. This helps me establish identity. Who am I, to you? Do I exist in your world? Or am I just a thought, a passing remembrance, that there’s this guy out there who writes a blog…?


I guess this is really about who you surround yourself with. Because this circle of people is going to help you establish who you are. So I need this group to be full of good peoples. In my case.

Community. It’s a concept by which coexistence causes a benefit to the group, in either a sharing of resources or formalities. Either way, being together, with people who share a common interest, is vastly superior to heading out there in the world alone. THERE IS NO ALONE. Alone is a myth; and only practiced by people who INTENTIONALLY desire to exclude themselves from some part of life. Since apelike-monkey days, we have always incorporated social interactions as part of how we creatures live. It is silly tho think we DON’T WANT to be in a group. We do. We MUST. Or a leopard is likely to pop out of a tree and ambush your ass while your out there going solo (fruits and berries style). I believe, truly, that dysfunction of the brain leads to isolation. I know this from my own bouts with severe depression. It WANTS you to shut-down and go away. Forever. But we insist on others, because there is more to existence than thinking you have to prove it to everyone that you can handle things on your own. NO ONE NEED DO THAT. It’s a great way to get eaten. Instead, we celebrate togetherness, and welcome new friends in as they come. Resources, shared.

I have a new friend. Oddly, her name is Jacqueline. NO NOT BIRDY. Different person. A full-blown Jacqueline. No condensing this one to Jax. Nope.

I really like her. As a friend (what do you expect from me at this interval?), cool person and eager learner, I find her awesomely acceptable. Not to mention the fact that I’ve pretty much laid my whole life so far out there, flaws and all, and I still get curiosity and interaction despite it all. WAY TO PROVE MY DEPRESSION IS WRONG, LOGICAL BRAIN! It’s brilliant. And healthy! Followers, readers, and spammers, I have been clear: Interaction  = win. What I don’t need is a relationship. But neither does she, so we have that in common as well. Mostly, I want to learn with someone. Grow with someone. Have a friend or resource available to help me reflect when I need it, but mostly just to have someone like-minded with me so I can has a fun on this adventure. Because that’s what life is; adventure waiting to be had. Good attitude, right?


So if I can keep from fucking-up, I might actually get my life going in a stable way for some time. Hopefully more then the 1 year mark. I need long-term stability dog. Read, long.

The First Thing I’m Going To Do

When I get my head screwed on straight, is take good care of myself (to the MAX) better. I mean, get out on the water often, hike around, sniff the air. Be an outdoor pup for a while.  I love to fish. I should go out there and do it often. It’s healthy, and revitalizing, and FUN.

I got a hold of Will. YAY! Friend.


So 1.73 came out yesterday. It’s pretty spectacular so far, for the Tau (still have not tried Eldar or IG). 10 per squad now on Fire Warriors vs 8 in the last release. And now they have some VERY NICE and diverse upgrade options. Looks POLISHED. They went and added a shit-ton of information on the expanded tooltips. Resource gain rates are clean, expected. Units interact VERY DIFFERENTLY. Squads are tougher, better, more useful. Buildings die a lot faster. Like BFME2 speed. Literally, the right push, and you start damaging buildings and the game is over. Makes it all the more necessary to PLAY COUNTERS. Always find what they don’t want you to have. Be rewarded with victory. ZOMFG missile turrets, 4 hits, dead Skyray. Boo. However, no more bouncing around and having to wait to stand up, only to be bounced by another fucking ‘nade. That is gone. Commanders get instant upgrades. SHA? But are not MECHATRON with the powers. So many more little things got fixed. Hard to grapple with it all, given the derelict state of my brain.

So, even with THAT. I can’t seem to stay happy. I can’t seem to get on the right track. It’s going to have to be a full-scale overhaul, and I dread the daunting ordeal therein. But I deserve better than what I am. I deserve a chance. So, in order to deserve it, I’m going to do something largely symbolic and overtly dramatic. Haven’t decided what that is going to be, however. Bare with me, it’s been a real fart of late.

I had lots of enthusiasm for life, a while ago. Hey, I even dug up that old post and re-blogged it. So whatever. I’m aware that there is a good out there. I just REALLY need to be a rock-solid hammer f justice. Or, maybe just sure-up the places on my starship that abundantly extrude oxygen. Or something!






There. I said it. I deserve that. Every last syllable.

Spectators of my life in the arena would be dissatisfied with the level of suck. It’s a frustrating, sad, agonizingly painful time. I still struggle. The hurt be not abated, but swelling with new circumstantial fuel. I find things are nearing a breaking-point… I wonder if my parents truly regret their decision to take me back in. I think they do. I think it would have been better some other way. Not that I have that “other way” all mapped out or whatever. I don’t. I’m just speculating with the hopes of causing myself to feel even worse about all that I’m going through. It’s hard enough.

Seeing my “wife” was pretty humiliating. Crashing the truck with her in it did nothing good for my standing. Being a weirdo and still having feelings for her is just flat-out repulsive, I guess. I don’t know what to think. I just know I want to be released from my life. I want out, permanently. I still think about how the world would JUST BE A BETTER, SAFER, NICER PLACE if I could just kill myself. So many burdens would be lifted. So much agony would disappear. The hurt of my loss would fade, and life would be better on the other end. I have few doubts.




I’m still too big a pussy to do it. I can struggle with thoughts about it all day long. I’ll never do anything about them. I’m a wasted, worthless, hapless, idiot. Hope this hat fits nicely, you FUCKING MORON. Could you fuck your life up any more? Is this how you are going to be remembered? That fuck-up punk who never did a god damn thing for anyone that mattered? WHAT A FUCKING WASTE YOU ARE. YOU MAKE ME SICK WITH YOUR PATHETIC WHINING AND SOBBING. JUST FUCKING DIE YOU ASSHOLE. DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE.

And thus, I go on. Wishing I was dead, but going forward anyway.


At least YOUR LIFE is ok, right?

I Gotta Go…

Inspirational words from me, in a healthier state. I SHOULD TAKE MY OWN FREAKING ADVICE. JEEZ.

Neurochemically Challenged

I’m promoted again. To full-time.

As a result, I’ve all but vanished from this place. Things have been so much better, so much more stable. I rarely feel the need to vent, spiral-down or  be struck-down by symptoms. I have a soft, squishy environment, as well as a kick-ass job that I love. I keep my head up. I work my fucking ass off. I do the best I can manage, each and every day. Despite occasional setbacks, I still make progress towards a full, happy life.

I am pleased with this development, for many very good reasons. Clearly. I’m on a great roll lately.

20 remotes in 2 days is pretty fucking awesome. I’m thriving under pressure here.

I have days where I’m very tired, and I get grouchy. As one might expect… but shit yo. I’m working harder than I ever have before, and I feel great about…

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My Office is Someone’s Driveway

More accurately, a driveway my parents rent, which the shade from the RV’s awning draped over the concrete slab (previously), mentioned, creates the new indoor-outdoor domicile. This life thing. Boy. Who said it was going to be so fucking random and horrible? I’ve dealt with an unfair amount of calamity, IN MY HUMBLE OPINION. FUCK. I feel crushed flatter than hammered shit, with still more things that need to happen before the dust might actually settle. It’s a truly odd sensation: feeling the breeze blow in a room with no walls. It feels like the wind could carry me off, rip me free from my moorings and cast me deep into the uncertain fray.

I’m on target for a second rescue venture: taking Jax’s stuff out of the apartment and moving it to her storage unit in Old Town. I’m not sure what I think about all this helpfulness. I’ve been given a very limited, rickety platform to stand on, representing only a few planks of genuine gain from these encounters. So far, I can hang my hat on the need to get the apartment clean, with or without her help. THOUGH WITH HELP IS MORE FAVORITE THAN NO HELPS. Even if it hurts me to look at her… even if I still feel the raging burn of her betrayal in my guts. I just have to do what’s right by my life, and everything else will fall into place over the passage of time. HA. HOPEFULLY.

Another furious public ass-fucking is still in the cards for me, but I don’t see my humiliated state being of much interest to anyone. Perhaps the revenge of helping is my best road here: I can hold the high-ground with positive action. At least, for myself, I will know I’m doing the best I can, and that will have to be good enough to satisfy. A snickers bar for my meddling consciousness and other vital self-reinforcing places.

As you can see: its early and my brain is a walnut of destruction.