I had to bail on last night’s get-together. It got to be after 8 and I was feeling very exhausted. I couldn’t imagine being MORE tired later and need to drive home still. So, I had to put the kibosh on that plan. I take the Doxepin in the evening, and it usually knocks me out right before bed-time. So I would have had to postpone taking my antidepressant until much later in order to stay out and play. I was weighing things and it was not looking like a smart decision to go. Too many unfriendly variables involved. I feel sad for having missed a chance to be social, but then again, this recovery has to happen on my terms, and being a good steward to myself and my mental health is the top priority. Nothing I do from here on out can be based on anything less than that absolute ultimatum. That’s going to limit my options, yes, but in the end, it’s only symbolic of my whole life. I’m a limited person, reduced in full capacity and to be handled with care. I have been through many hands, and no one wants to hold on for long. So, this too contributes to a desire for limited contact. I can’t be who you want me to be, so why are we still pretending I can be?
Jax had good reasons for jumping ship. I’m not saying that it was the right choice, but it had reasons for being done the way it was done. There’s this guy who came to my peer group last time named Robert. He was looking for family member support because his wife has major depression. So, he wanted to learn as much as he could about mental illness and how he could help his partner. Because he loves her, and continues to keep her in his thoughts and concerns. And this mental health / depression “thing” was just a difficult obstacle that they had to overcome as a team going forward in life.
HOW THAT SEEMS ALMOST ROMANTIC in light of my own struggles. I’d date that guy. Seriously though, my partner got scared of the reality of my mental illness, and abandoned me. This guy’s wife is sick, and he wants to learn how to help, while mine wants to run the fuck away. It really brings to light how much I despise my ex for cheating and quitting on her life with me. What a fucking coward you are Jax! I think that goes without saying, and many other slanderous things could be said, but won’t be.
I have only the evidence of people who are actually trying to have better lives around me to guide my continued steps. As I struggle, I see how the world is different, how it is still the same, but most importantly, how I need to adjust to be a part of it once more. I feel like I need to be in a much bigger hurry than I am. But I’m only going to get up to speed again if I can roll along for a while here and accumulate some velocity. YOU KNOW?
I’m fine with that. It is not possible to heal any faster then it’s going to take to get better. I have a Dept. of Rehabilitation intake on the 29th, which will mark the beginning of the Lone Bull Project objective of exploring employment opportunities a reality. I need to go at a decent speed, one that will not make me feel like shit for how I am bound to do things. I am attempting to avoid major mistakes, and continue to evolve as a person. The principles of my Project are around to guide me, which helps my success-oriented goals become real. I have compassion, understanding and the freedom to heal. Living my life with whom I can and with love I treasure; I could not ask for a better place to re-acquire my sea legs. As it were.