It’s a mercurial world I reside in; the temper of which is inexplicable. My desires and intentions are muddied and lost in the still clear pond water of my consciousness. Somewhere along the way, I get turned in to a frog or some other undesirable, or the language in which escape is written becomes an illegible scrawl on the side of a cave. I’m both agitated and befuddled. Both culprit and clown. There is no end to the axial dysfunction, so why not stretch the thing as far as it will go? An offer coded in the temptation of despair. I am banished to the oubliette of want.
In times such as these, I find myself at a loss to initiate progress. JUST THE THING that might help stem the tide of rage; perplexed, forsaken, and used to further bludgeon my state into a wallowing mire of despair. I find no solace in accomplishment, only an insistence that it was not done soon enough, or done too late for it to be of any worth. So there you have it. Logical mind poisoned. Spreading malicious filth wherever it goes.
This is my escape. My outlet in words. So that somehow, someway, you might hear me. You might just hear the heart being ripped free of my body. You might be privy to the collapse of my will. Ambition might finally turn to arrogance. Love might go away and not look to be found again.
It’s a good thing I’m loved. Otherwise, the hell I experience as part of my life would be unusually unbearable. My parents saved me, and continue to do so despite my attempts to wriggle free. I have nothing I can give back to them. I’m temporarily useless. Saturated in guilt.
For the immediate future, I have booked items that are to require my attention. I have a reminder app that tells me what I have still to do. I look at it every day. Some things are easier to handle than others. At this uncertain juncture, I appeal to mercy to show me some way to get my head back where it belongs. Grounded firmly in a variety of reasoning that is unlikely to lead me to suicide, or nagging thoughts therein. Unworthy and temperamentally unwanted, I strive for something better than what is. Consistently endeavoring to be alive again. With help. I just might get there.