I have had some time to sit here and think. Boy. I really had the hammer fall on me. It really breaks down to a few sordid details: can I be a good steward of my life? Will I be able to handle the next dramatic thing that is sure to happen? I’m not making anything unnecessary happen, so that’s good. And by that, I mean to say I’m not adding any more drama to the situation by managing my life. The circle is expanding, yes, but these things take serious time, and should be done right lest they need be done over again. I have to make it this time, and the weight of that is smashing me down… sometimes.
I’m still achieving goals. The next one is looming: on the 29th I have a Department Of Rehabilitation appointment to be processed into their program. That’s really exciting, because things are going to rapidly pick up speed once that happens. I will be enrolled in a recovery program that will help me get a job, and maintain that job for a long time. HOPEFULLY.
If there is one thing I can say about myself in comparison to my ex wife, it is that I continue to strive for self improvement. My ex is now actively dating other men. I have a difficult time thinking that is a grand idea, but it’s not my life. Maybe she’s stronger than I am and can handle having a partner back in her world. Maybe?
It’s sad that people are treating her poorly. EVEN THOUGH I have no reason to give a shit, I still care about her. I still want the best for her. How could I not? I loved that woman. I don’t just throw that out like she would (did). I was supposed to be tied to her for the rest of my life. Not so, yet, there is still room for decency.
Things are going along nicely, other than the occasional hiccup with momentary issues overriding the primary goal: independent life. I am going to get back there this year, and I am going to be stronger and more able than ever before, because my independent life is a matter of my self worth and pride. I still have pride, despite being a humiliated cuckold. My life deserves to be lived with a sense of importance and merits therein.
Me and my friend Jacqueline are talking regularly sharing the arbitrary pain of life. She works really hard, and I can see that and admire her effort. She’s a good person to look at as a role model: sticking with it despite suffering. It’s all too often true that we make life harder than it has to be, so realistic people like Jacqueline but things back into perspective. Heck, my life looks pretty sad by comparison… but eh. It’s a project I continue to work on without need for noticeable completion or marked by pauses in progress. Things are happening, I know that, so why stress unduly?
I honestly hope my ex wife finds some peace. Her turbulent life is not a good place for healthy mental habits to form. She’s got a lot more to sort out, I think… being the one who dumped me, being the one who cheated and broke the whole world so she could go have a life she would get excited about. It’s going to take a lot for that whole thing to be right, like in her head, where it all must make sense and be justified despite clear violations of morality. I hope that pill is not too tough to swallow. Life is hard enough.
I’ll close with some placid thoughts: got 5 RTS games on my PC right now, and they are all so vastly different from each other. I’ve been thinking a lot about game design and mechanics, as I am prone to reflect on my own RTS game called PRIME. I will make a new blog post where I lay out the incorporated elements me and Will once planned to introduce once we had the available resources to launch this game theory into reality. It’s profoundly advanced. Uses sound unlike any other game. Makes improvements to the existing standards which innovate and stand apart from the market’s current saturation of RTS games.
Something to look forward to?