Lost My Marbles!

Seriously you guys. I have no one in my world to talk to about all these crazy-insane feelings I have inside me. There’s no one to listen to my hurt, my alarm, my dismay… and all the extra fun bonus shit I don’t have a quick name for. I want to be heard goddamnit! So, I yell into the ether of cyberspace. And it’s my right and responsibility to represent myself at all times as an honest appraisal of the real me, otherwise, what’s the point if I’m just lying about everything? I’m certainly not growing or learning anything by doing that. I try to garner something useful from all calamity, anyway. In reality, I’m much more contrite about all this stuff. It’s underneath the floorboards of my home. Ever present Edgar Alan Poe-esk beating heart still haunting me, I reckon. I guess my unreconciled feelings are largely corked because in therapy I’m not dealing with these emotions specifically right now (Jax). We’re looking at the deeper trauma, older relationships, ancient hurts. Maybe that’s just bringing back more nasty memories into the forefront. So I’ll be frank, that my last utterance was harsh, but also reasonable in most respects.

 

Because: I still wanted to try though, to make it right between us, and you broke my heart. Smashed it. I still wanted you after the affair and all that, but you’ll not have me back, a shamed cuckold who is more angry and bitter about his downfall into darkness than he is acknowledged and understood. Easily said!

But hey, I have a right to my feelings, whatever horrible form they decide to take. In this case, brutally honest. AND HEY: I’ve been nattering on about all the things I’m trying to do better, to get right after a mistake was made. I try endlessly to figure out my part, my problems, my mistakes in this whole falling out. I think I have a pretty good handle on my issues. Want me to rattle off a few here that I’ve specifically been working on:

  1. Acknowledgment without judgement or implication
  2. Self-regulation of emotional responses based on known triggers
  3. Middle-mindedness and introspection as part of a healthy world outlook

I still need some practice with 2 and 3, but I’m great at helping identify and understand feelings, and I’ve been practicing my skills at my DBSA meetings. I hope to continue to improve at these things and reach my goals of being self-sufficient and personally responsible.

It’s lofty, but I deserve something better than the standard lot for someone with my diagnosis. Seriously.

I think I have a right to be pissed. It’s my feeling, so I’m going to have it whether you think it’s a good idea or not. My life as I knew it has been rotting in the sun for some weeks now. I’ve had to go back to square 1 and try to reassemble a new reality. From nothing. With nothing to hold on to. From the brink of suicide, to abandonment, to the slow march of progress as done by the retarded.

Yes, I’ll admit, I’m pretty fucking retarded. No doubt. It is both endearing and frustrating. My brain might as well be silly dough. My intellect is keen, but all the pieces around it are fucking hopeless. Pretty much.

 

So, yeah. I’m still angry inside me. And I have a right to blast my ex right off her port bow. KABOOM! So be it!

 

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