Monthly Archives: May 2014

Right Down The Line – Gerry Rafferty

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You know I need your love,
You got that hold over me.
Long as I got your love,
You know that I’ll never leave.
When I wanted you to share my life,
I had no doubt in my mind–
And it’s been you,
Woman,
Right down the line.

I know how much I lean on you,
Only you can see.
Changes that I’ve been through,
Have left their mark on me.
You’ve been as constant as a northern star,
The brightest light that shines–
It’s been you,
Woman,
Right down the line.

I just wanna say this is my way–
Of telling you everything I could never,
Say before.
Yeah, this is my way–
Of telling you that every day I’m loving you,
So much more.

‘Cause you believed in me,
Through my darkest night.
Put something better inside of me,
You brought me into the light.
Threw away all those crazy dreams,
I put them all behind–
And it was you,
Woman,
Right down the line
I just wanna say this is my way–
Of telling you everything I could never,
Say before.
Yeah, this is my way–
Of telling you that every day I’m loving you,
So much more

If I should doubt myself,
If I’m losing ground.
I won’t turn to someone else,
They’d only let me down.
When I wanted you to share my life,
I had no doubt in my mind–
And it’s been you,
Woman,
Right down the line.

Deleted Myself

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m off OKCupid, because it’s not the right tool for making new friends that I had anticipated it being. Recently, I met someone who I was having a great time talking to. But she got wise to my dysfunction, I guess, and basically told me there would never be anything deep between us, ever. That was tough, because I’m not a deplorable guy. I certainly have my flaws, but it’s part and parcel with the territory of my mental health. For most human beings I meet, this is an insurmountable obstacle to getting to know me. I think you all just want to be normal friends with normal people. Good for you. I’m not so fortunate that I get to decide willy-nilly what social connections to keep and which to forget.

I am bound to a solemn truth about who I am, and the maximum of what I can be. I have fun getting to know people, and I can bring a lot of enthusiasm to a new relationship. None of this makes a difference to you.

I just wanted to make new friends; to get to know someone other than myself, and have things in common with another being that we enjoy discussing. All out of my reach, it seems. It’s easy to be “too good” for me, because I’m not perfect, and not pretending to be. I could get farther by lying, concealing… but I don’t because I can’t abide lies within myself. I could trick you into liking me, and you would. But If I tell you the truth, you’ll eject from this arrangement and never come back… like they always do.

I’m not optimistic about my future as a social being. It seems bleak, and already doomed to being alone. Now that I have framed it all negatively, I still have to be here in my life, dealing with these truths. Cold hard facts of my limited reality.

I’m not going to throw any relationships out. They are precious to me, in whatever capacity they fill. I never just say “fuck you” to people and leave it at that. Everyone deserves a chance. I will give you that chance, just try not to hurt me with it.

I’ve loved people in this life. I can say that I have, and that it is truly a fantastic, uplifting and energizing thing. I know that love is really complicated, with lots of energy needed to sustain it. It’s just not a thing I can handle now, possibly at all. I’ve tried 3 times to love someone and be with that person, and been thrown out by all 3. I should probably take a hint, and stop trying. So be it.

Scolding The Infadel

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

My life is pretty boring right now. With the potential for abrupt change waiting in the wings. It’s no way to go on functioning, I’ll have you know. Time is a tiger sinking it’s fangs into me.

I don’t really have to explain anything at this point. I’m not in denial over my lot. I’m taking myself and my illness seriously, and not just brushing it off like it was no big deal. That’s not my way. I’m prone to complain if things get bad. I’m going to let you know if something bothers me. I just prefer to be straight, rather than having to remember all the lies I told.

I guess I’m still grieving. It’s only been a couple months, and sometimes I simply burn with loneliness. There’s not much that can be done about that. I’m the guy who got used and discarded like so many candy wrappers. I’m not saying I wasn’t to blame, because I certainly helped get myself thrown out as junk.

I gamble big on people. And I lose, because most people out there are fucking idiots. I give my ex wife a lot more credit than she deserves sometimes. I hope you realize I do this because sometimes I hate myself more than what she did to me.

I just don’t get it.

But hey, I’m out here still alive despite my efforts. And I intend to stay that way and be more involved in the world than I have been before. These are acceptable goals.

I’m getting away from my mindfulness. Which has only helped me become a better negotiator with my thoughts. I guess I should really try and reiterate some of the things we’re learning about, as they have direct practical applications in my life.

I need this self-talk. It helps me make sense of my feelings. I get to experience them, and have them gain the recognition they so desperately seek.

I must confess to reading Jax’s blog. I shouldn’t have, because I find myself angered at her, again. This time, it was because leaving me was to be all about her “doing it by myself” and not needing anyone else to carry her. So she goes and gets attached to a new boyfriend. I mean, right? Who didn’t see that coming? I guess I’m not surprised. She’s transparent and shallow, as most non intellectuals are. She doesn’t even see the hypocrisy of her own belligerent actions. Not my concern much anymore. And I’d rather have my prevailing beliefs about Jax disputed, not confirmed. I hope the best for her, I really do. But I can’t really care that she’s doing the exact opposite of what she said she wanted when she left me.

Life moves on. Pain or no pain. Beard or no beard. We go, boldly.

 

Ultimate Apocalypse Build Order (Tau Empire)

by in Creative Writing, PC Games & Theories, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I have been hammering out a build order in order to have competitive matches against the computer. I have now set the AI on Harder, and have begun really hunkering down on a tight sequence in order to do well. So, without further delay, the build order, such as it is:

 

Phase 1: Required Steps (0:00 through 2:30)

Builder set to automatically reenforce, builds 1x barracks (choose melee or ranged), 2x power generator

HQ set to build 2x squads of Stealthsuits, 1x additional builder

step1

1st squad of Stealthsuits: Cap left half of map

2nd squad of Stealthsuits: Cap right half of map

1st additional builder: Wait for first strategic point capture, and build listening post, then second

Once 1st builder is done, build Path to Enlightenment (Tier I)

step2

 

Phase 2: Choose A Path (2:30 – 4:00)

Once T1 is done being built, go the the HQ and recruit the Heavy Builder

At this point, you should run into opposition while attempting to cap points on the edges of your control. You may lose one or both squads of Stealthsuits. Whatever happens here is fine.

You should have 5 or more strategic points / relics capped and listening posts built on each

Build the Kroot Alphas, and reenforce them (feed your Stealthsuits to them if they are still alive)

step3

Task all but 1 builder to build the geothermal/slag pit power generator. If you don’t have one on your map, build 2x additional power generators (for a total of 4)

Build either a vehicle / aircraft beacon.

step4

Be prepared to crank out a few Vespids if the need arises.

At this juncture, you are being attacked, and the build order gets murky. I highly recommend going tier 2 with melee, as it’s cheaper, and getting 2-4 squads of Kroot Hounds out on the board. With the Path To Enlightenment upgrades to HP and attack power, they are really hard to stop. They reenforce up to 8 hounds and 1 alpha, and do nearly 300 damage per attack.

step5

ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE:

I’ve won 2 in a row with ease against the HR computer. Typically what happens is my Stealthsuits run into opposition, and die fast, below the 4-6 threshold for capped points. So, the Alphas come in handy, because they can cap and hold ground AND beat on things hand-to-hand. Which I like. By the time I get into Phase 2, I have at least the Alphas out there eating anything they can find in the middle of the board. I’ve had them die to Tyranids in the early stages, but then again, I had also neglected to build a ranged commander to have the Alphas benefit from the communal power / toughness upgrades.

-Early commander Kroot Alphas
-Build 2x Vespids for cannon fodder, backup the Alphas
-Get some Barracudas or Skyrays out before more infantry (though you may have to spend more time MMing the Skyrays for them to be useful)
-Build 2x Kroot Hounds, set Krootox to autobuild, keep building a vehicle of some form as well
-Build / upgrade at least the ranged commander, so the other melee commanders will share the benefits.

These two games have had at least those things in common. I’ve noticed that Tau’s once upgraded melee infantry is fairly formidable. I can take down large tier 3 bases with 2 – 3 squads of Hounds and a Krootox or two to help out. The Alphas are still pretty weak, even after you fully upgrade them. So use them wisely. They make mincemeat of buildings and infantry but have difficulty with vehicles, which is why the Krootox are handy to have around.

 

I hope this abbreviated BO will help you with your faction, because the same basic principles can be applied to any single / double / triple resource army. I will be applying and modifying this original skeleton sequence and I’ll report any major developments, of course. Be well. Gladiators, I salute you.

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Timelocked

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Whistling thicket,
Yellow with sun,
Bound in days–
Numbered nights,
Heat to dry–
Pale shivers of air,
Spill their hot secret,
In honeycomb songs.
Driven bright–
Amidst towers to heaven,
Who’s tops brace the sky.
Peeling back rinds–
The acrid snap of time.
Twilight lies no more.
A blanket of darkness.
A cold crept up on toes,
Among sagas prevailed,
Hopes for the best,
While wearing a jacket.

Poked

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

I had to do a blood test for the clinic on Wednesday, and Maria really fucked up my arm. She missed the vein and dealt me some unusual electric agony as she dug around for blood. I managed to painfully fill one vial, and about 1/10 the second one. By the end of this I was not really aware of the damage done. It’s since become delicate, dealing swift shocks of pain if moved to extension. I’ve had pain liker this, when I nearly severed my left pointer. The pain was sharp, bad, and deep.

 

So, i typed this whole post with my left hand. Brevity only because of circumstance.

 

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Sad Boy

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

In the moments before my therapy I find myself aching with old pain. I feel like I’m not a very good man. There are things a person should do to be successful in life and I am struggling to do the minimum. I don’t think I will have a partner in my life. How could I ask someone to take on this burden? Who would want me, knowing they could get something better elsewhere? I need a someone who can love me and comfort me when I am suffering. I can sit here wishing for that, but it doesn’t ever address the core issues. They are somehow in me, and will be a barrier between me and the rest of the world.

I don’t really have much to say. I’m down. Words are hard to come by.

I’m going to go trudge through the emotion swamp. See you later.

Wishing For

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m here with some feelings. I know the world is moving all around me. People are off doing their lives. I really want to be healthy and stable again. I feel an emptiness in my life where my personality and charisma once resided. It’s hard to rebuild enthusiasm. All that I had wanted to keep, I lost. I’ve had to start from nothing and build up slowly. I’m beginning to think the world is full of people who are ok with lying. Or pretending their life is something fictional or otherwise inaccurate. I just can’t believe anyone. No one but myself. And I should always have my best interests in mind. I should be advancing my cause whenever possible. I can say I’ve grown. I can concretely say I’m learning new things. Every day. I’m somewhat proud of that.

My time here is important. I have things is like to do in the world, and I have the means of accomplishment as my principle. I’m sure brighter days are ahead. I’m not pretending I’m more well off than I actually am. I’m not deluding my situation to console myself or some such. I’ve just got it down to myself and reality. Unfiltered and unadulterated. I can handle that at least.

I’m sad only because I think I’m used to always having someone there. I was successful in the past as a necessity for my relationships. I wanted for independence only to give it away shortly thereafter. I am going towards the future for my own goals and reasons. I’m doing the best I know how to. And I guess that’s all I can ask for.

More Panic-Stricken Scribbles From The Front

by in Creative Writing, PC Games & Theories, Rant and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m sitting here listening to some music and thinking about the last few skirmishes I’ve had with the computer. For me, gaming is about originality. I get tired of doing the same strategy over and over again. Even if I were to, let’s say, find a build order that is hard to beat, I’m going to monkey with it every time I do a round. Why? Because I keep the variables of the equation changing so I don’t get bored. I don’t want to associate boredom with my relaxing gaming time, and to some extent, it has become something of a stigmatized concept. I have no job or anything, so why should I be gaming? Why should I be enjoying the ample free time I have at my disposal, in lieu of filling it with responsibilities?

In large part, my worries and fears are appeased knowing that I am doing things, but factors are largely out of my control. I can contribute to the equation, but I don’t control the parameters. I know this in my head and don’t often suffer unduly at it’s hands. Really, these gaming articles I write are my menial gesture to attach meaning and worth to my recreational activities. I try to make as much of it as I can. I have no one to discuss game theory with. I have no human being to play with, or share any of these interesting thoughts and anecdotes. I’m pretty much just talking to myself here, but I guess I’m ok with that. I am getting something out of it.

Coming at last to the point of my article today: conformity of gameplay. I’m stuck here, because if I want to make the most use of the AI, I will need to dramatically adjust my comfortable build sequence I have already. I mentioned in a previous article that I had moved the Harder AI to Hard, because it was rushing at 4 minutes and giving me a hard time. Now I don’t know if the AI cheats to have units out on the field faster, but regardless, I usually never have anything around to purge the 4 minute threat with, so I surrender as tech 1 stuff peck my buildings to death.

I know there is an online community of gamers who play this mod. I have yet to set up a game because I know I will just get obliterated. I’m soft, because my style isn’t focused on victory as soon as possible. I will be ripped apart in a multiplayer match, as I have the wrong strategy for public play. I can change that though, and make a 4 minute rush prevention strategy of some form. I just really need to hammer it out in my head, and on the field.

I think I’ll have more scribbles when I try implementing this new approach. My hope would be to get the AI back to HR and still have fun.

 

Playlist Mayhem: The Truth Be Told

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I have given my confessional in music today. I present to you, the tribulations and constant upheaval that are a regular part of operations here. I give you, expression incarnate:

  1. A Thousand Years – Sting
  2. Constant Craving – k.d. lang
  3. I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues – Elton John
  4. Seven Years – Norah Jones
  5. Sweet Love – Anita Baker
  6. Save A Prayer – Duran Duran
  7. Borderline – Madonna
  8. Crazy – Seal
  9. Friday I’m In Love – The Cure
  10. Gimmie All Your Lovin’ – ZZ Top
  11. Waiting For The Day – Gerry Rafferty
  12. Saucy Sailor – Steeleye Span
  13. While You See A Chance – Steve Winwood
  14. Third Time Lucky – Basia
  15. Invisible Touch – Genesis
  16. Jumpin’ Jack Flash – The Rolling Stones
  17. Shower The People – James Taylor
  18. I Have The Touch – Peter Gabriel

Ultimate Apocalypse: Tau Empire Commanders, Part 2

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I neglected to include some very useful fellows in my previous assessments of the Tau Empire commanders. It’s true these commanders on the ranged side are intended to be the primaries, but these secondary units are wholly awesome.

First off, the best most quickly available unit for early game Tau is the Kroot Alphas secondary commander battalion.

Kroot Alphas (Command Squad). Level 8. +72. 5651 HP. Squad size = 6. Melee 47 – 65 / Ranged 29 – 37  damage. Cost: 240R/0P

So, +72? Mine had cannibalized two squads of stealth suits before I screenpcapped them. Obvious effects intended.

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Nom nom nom. Anyway, They get a bit sparse here, relying on a sortof “great Bambino” reference to get them out of a tight spot. It’s down to one big ass mondo honkin major fucking unit.

Kroot Alpha Knarloc Rider (Secondary Commander). Level 8. 19634 HP. Squad size = single. Melee 600 – 800  / Ranged 400 – 500  damage. Cost: 1400R/0P

 

Obviously not a strong buy at any point before he becomes available, in tier 3. So be prepared to wait around for a suitable upgrade. It’s better to use these guys in conjunction with the ranged commanders, so you get a pretty diverse set of battle fronts.

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Damn, right? Let’s not forget the ultimate master of melee here:

Great Ethereal (Commander). Level 8. 1415 HP. Squad size = single. Melee 208 – 282  damage. Cost: 305R/100P

Damn straight, and why not let him make a few punches, given that you are probably out front in the battle line somewhere with much bigger units, handling the big shit. Can’t leave the Ethereal alone for long, he’ll get obliterated. And no one wants that.

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Sexy? No?

 

I think not. But he does get down and smack shit with his staff, which is kinda Gandalf and I dig that.

So ultimately, I see the functionality of Tau’s melee restrained only by the necessity for a ranged game. They have to have it, hanging over, in order to win by melee. It has to be joint, with a big melee directed assault. But in the end, you’ll see. I’ve tried melee alone, and when the vehicles come, it’s not fun to watch Vespids get annihilated by heavy duty shit. I hardly count the Vespids, but they have a purpose now and again.

 

I’ll keep you posted as the crucible continues. Getting these two leveled takes a good hunk of time, and how to distract my foe during this build up time is the next great mystery I have to solve.

 

Ultimate Apocalypse “Scribbles From The Battle”

by in Creative Writing, PC Games & Theories, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve had the AI on H lately. This usually spares me the 4 minute rush which cripples my economy. Instead, we engage later, once some units have started to pile up on the field. That would be my hope.

Tau Empire is interesting, because their melee component (which I so far have been neglectful to detail as I have the ranged tree) is largely misunderstood. With the right timing and applications, the Kroot can be the heroes in many a successful showdown with the AI. I win with Hounds mostly, making the backbone. They are a battalion of 9 including one Kroot Alpha to be their guide. Their damage is well over two hundred unmodified. I like their chances of feasting on anything you put in their way. With the leaping upgrade bought, they can close distance on ranged units nearly instantaneously. Then chew the living shit out of them.

I want to get a army paint-set together that flatters the special command units we get as a result of researching the melee tech tree with the Tau Empire.

I haven’t built the Alphas enough times to say I’ve used them well. I typically let them feed on the first few waves of things to roam by. Then it gets harder to keep them alive when vehicles show up. They are eager little shitheads aren’t they?

So, I’m working several strats where I build both melee and ranged tech structures, and level both tech trees through to tier 4. Just to see if the XV89 Bodyguards and Kroot Alphas will play nice together. I think they will.

Flirt With Danger

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I was happiest with Jax, I think. There was way more sex with Jennifer, but we always seemed to be on different frequencies. It was like, I only understood her sometimes. With Jax things were free, liberal, possible. I felt that with love as my guide, I’d make some serious headway against mental illness. It’s not fair to put that on a relationship. It’s my battle, and mine alone. Ultimately, I still have to go out there and function and prove it to myself. I want to be a part of the scene, open again. I want to be a part of a world that is only a few short steps away.

But I was happiest loving her. I loved her like she was a rare gem I found deep in the soot. I coveted her, to the point of trying to control outcomes, which is no bueno. I felt impending doom with Emelia. For whatever reason, I just knew we were doomed. I never felt that way with Jax. I figured she would just be there with me regardless of circumstance. I wanted that to be true, because I would have been there for her until the bitter fucking end. But that love was cut off by a permanent disconnect. Once those fuel cells are closed you can’t reopen them.

I write out of a prolonged ache. I want for a better life, I’m so driven for it that I’m driving myself crazy with enthusiasm for the next step.

I want patiently to be enrolled in the Department of Rehabilitation’s program so I can go to MHS and get help finding a job. Or better yet, if this NAMI tech support thing pans out, I’d be enthusiastic to be a part of that. I just wish something would happen, because the suspense is quite literally painful.

I am quitting coffee, I’ve decided. I’m gonna ween myself off it as the days go on. Yesterday was a zero coffee day, 2 cups this morning, nothing tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes.

I am haunted by old sadness that doesn’t belong in my life right now. Guilt over a past said and done. I wish I could lift my eyes up to the sky and take hold of my dreams. I just need a little help here and there, but I think I’m doing it. I certainly hope I’m doing it.

I just want you to know that It’s a struggle, every day, to tolerate these unbelievably massive feelings of sadness and emotional pain. That some days you just suffer more than others. It’s neurochemical. It’s not because I did something wrong, it’s because my brain is sending the feel sad signal for no good reason. I just have to swallow it hard and keep moving forward. I have objectives in my life. Things I want to do, places I want to go. I can’t let momentary waves of fear and pain overtake my drive for progress.

Adieu blogosphere. Keep your eyes aimed high. You never know what’s coming up next.

Splurf

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m writing to you from a dark and unfriendly place. Where my emotions are overwhelming me and I can’t think straight about anything. Through the tears, I compose these words in acknowledgement of be being so low. You see, I’ve squandered friendships because of my oddities, my parameters and my limitations. I’m in the shadow of my regret and my feelings of genuine remorse for any pain I’ve caused. I can’t be the guy. I never wanted to be the guy, but somehow I feel like there was more to this than the first level appreciation of the physical. I cried, a lot, because I know I was getting too attached and involved. I made the mistake of getting in over my head, and I need a way back to higher ground.

This being largely my point, grief aside: the work of self reconstruction is still just getting underway and can’t handle the burden of an involved relationship of any kind. It’s too much for me to be responsible for, and I don’t want the mantle handed to me. I can’t do it. Or, I’m not ready to yet, give me a few months and see where I’m at then! I need to establish myself again in the world. I’m just so scared inside about disappointing people I care about. I don’t want to let the people who have been there for me down. I can’t let that happen. So as the tears from a deep undisclosed fear start to burn in my eyes, I’m reminded that Rome wasn’t built in a day. In other words, settle down turbo.

But Who am I? I have an identity out here through the various ways I try to express myself on this blog. Sometimes to excess.  But It’s not my fault you tuned in to listen to wacko-radio.

I’m trying to stay positive. Everything is on hold today because it’s memorial day. I was expecting some mail but I guess it’ll have to wait.

My main problem is that sadness is just really accessible right now, so it’s hard to not be distracted by something and forced to write about the sensations. My sadness is both real and imaginary. Real because I’m truly humbled by the generosity shown me by my parents, and fearful of letting them down somehow. I know they have my back, but they want to see me succeed at life, just as I do. So we can all be happy with measurable goals being met and surpassed. I’m giving myself a hard time. I have to right my own ship before I can take on any passengers. And so it goes.

I just need to listen to some music and lose my head a bit in another land. Right now my body burns with sadness. I must be free of it. Music, energy of song, singing are all therapeutic. So here we go.

 

 

 

 

Dubbed Down

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

In pinched regret

Steeped in a fool’s fortune

Spattered with the tireless work of hate

A destiny bound to oddity

Sought after like glittering gold

Hold firm the line of self

It’s true place being bathed in sunlight

Whisked from the worry of time

Underneath, aloft with wings

I see the unfolding spiral beneath my feet

Dangling bare with heel-toes gripping

I sat upright for the sun

A dawn becoming an entire day

In revolving moments, where chance plays at circumstance

And the die are cast for yet another round

 

The Cutting Edge Of Reason: A Musical Odyssey

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I’ve composed a musical through a fantastic playlist. The inspiration for this one just comes from a sense of awareness of where I am in my life and how I feel about the world. I’m spinning this as best a fledgling optimist can, so be prepared for a transition or two. To memories their respect, eh?

Coded by their moods and tempos.

THE EPIDEMIC OF INEVITABILITY

  1. Money For Nothing – Dire Straits
  2. Time – The Alan Parsons Project
  3. These Dreams – Heart
  4. Where The Streets Have No Name – U2
  5. Thinking Of You – Loggins & Messina
  6. No One In The World – Anita Baker
  7. Tonight, Tonight – Genesis
  8. Walk This Way – Aerosmith
  9. Cruel Summer – Bananarama
  10. Three Little Birds – Bob Marley & The Wailers
  11. Broken Wings – Mr. Mister
  12. Eternal Flame – The Bangles
  13. It Keeps You Runnin’ – The Doobie Brothers
  14. You Make My Dreams – Hall & Oates
  15. Black Dog – Led Zeppelin
  16. Renegade – Styx
  17. Someone To Lay Down Beside Me – Linda Rondstadt
  18. Off The Wall – Michael Jackson
  19. Maybe I’m Amazed – Paul McCartney & Wings

Selfie(s): The Tau Commanders

by in Mental Illness, PC Games & Theories, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

If only they brought their phones with them when they left to go purge the world of scum and villainy. Some suits in the background.

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Level 8 XV22 Commander

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Level 8 XV89 Commander. Pointing the Airburst Fragmentation Cannon right at us.

 

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The XV89 Bodyguards with some fire nearby, because they probably just razed something. And fully upgraded w/ shield Drone.

Trimber (Art By Moo)

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Buried thickets.

Obscuring wind.

Fragrance of flowers,

Dust on the pillow.

Whispered words.

Soliloquy of summer.

Turbid heat-risers,

Succulent tender-tastes.

Cactus prickles,

Hot breath run ragged,

Crumbling mountains climb.

West sun fading.

Deserted dusk-wraps,

Sealed with a dry kiss.

Peace.

Night is upon us.

 

Trimber

Table Mountain (Art By Moo)

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Photography, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Blasted sand-scrapes,

Whistle the chapped leaves,

Screaming bright sunlight–

Part the quaking clouds.

A wind of shushed whispers–

Moan through the ancients,

Riddled, splashed with colorful heat,

Time-scarred canyons–

Chalked to rubble like powdered bones.

Whisked down with rain–

A sandy mudpack crisping–

Choking on the last breath,

Cool, clean water, gone.

An imposing night,

Ceaseless, holding,

Red cheeks pitted–

Flushed.

Ever-dry against the gale.

Remembering the summits–

A shadow of itself…

Great in the memory of pouring mayhem,

Shattering the sky with billowing hate,

Slow-moving basaltic-hell unfurled,

Cascading down the slopes,

Petrifying the unsuspecting.

Ruptured earth-melting–

Bellowing an ashy-death,

Ruling all.

Lost.

Dead within.

Told in the story of stones–

And old rivers of electric blood–

Hardened, frozen.

Corked somewhere underfoot–

Bleached from its roots–

Distant from the source…

Standing with old peaks,

Going the way of history.

 

TableMountain

A Rare Event

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Saturday, May 24th at 12:00 am, something will happen to our planet that has never happened before. The Earth, moving at over 100,000 miles an hour around the Sun, will collide with a debris field left behind by comet 209P/LINEAR over 200 years ago. This is all happening largely because of Jupiter’s gravity having moved the debris into our path. The comet’s debris field would normally not be on our orbital plane otherwise. But it is now, and we’re all set to collide with it bearing the brunt of the action in the northern hemisphere, with radiant meteors coming down from the pole star (Ploaris). Ideal viewing for 2 hours starting at midnight.

For an astronomy nerd such as I am, these interstellar oddities tend to grab my attention. This is a rare event, and has the potential to be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. This “stuff” that the comet left behind on it’s course towards the sun has been sitting totally undisturbed in space for 200 years, and now it’s going to slam right into us. There is a chance for bright, possibly large meteors entering the atmosphere. I will be there watching it live, needless to say.

Meteor showers are usually not a big deal, as they are regular, occurring at fixed times in our year as we travel around the Sun. But this stuff we usually run in to has been in our orbital plane for a long time already, and survived several revolutions already, likely more. This new Camelopardalid meteor shower might easily be the best show in hundreds of years.

I’ve got my fingers crossed anyway. I’ll be watching live, and have a report no doubt, one way or the other.

 

Grated Cheese

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

I don’t know what to do sometimes. I don’t know how to make it right like it was never broken. I think that way of thinking is also done. But some part wants for the impossible.

To make a long story short: the backup hard drive with my exes stuff on it failed and can’t be read by recovery programs. Despite my best efforts, I could only recover pictures and files from the old laptop hard drive. That recovery returned 12 gigs of pictures. But it turns out that the pictures weren’t what she wanted. But that was all that could be done. We were out of options. When I told her that, she basically didn’t believe me, asked me to give her the hard drive so she could get a second opinion.

I suppose I should comply. But I was offended. Then she got all “my friend is a lawyer” at me and I gave up. I did the best I could. It’s like I’m not doing it right or something. Like she would know better than me? I was put off. So. Instead of retaliating, I withdrew. No shock there.

I’ll let things simmer down. See if a better solution presents itself.

I’ve had stuff to do lately. That’s been solid. Plus, I got a promising lead on a tech support job working for NAMI. I know, right? So the job description has yet to be written. But I’m on that like flies on shit. As soon as they post, I’ll apply. I’m feeling better and better, certainly capable of handling an increase in responsibility. I would be working in a great environment. I go down to the Hope Connections office tomorrow to schmooze. Should go well. I’m trying to stay focused on positive stuff. Not the stinky cheese.

Ultimate Apocalypse Game Notes (Eldar Commanders / Relic Units)

by in Creative Writing, PC Games & Theories, Rant and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve been hitting it off with them lately. In the last 4 skirmishes, I’ve managed to climb my way up to tier 4 and roll the relic commander (Avatar of Khaine) on them. He crushes things with a calibrated fierceness. He has a special technology research upgrade only available once you hit tier 4, and even then, it’s 800R\800P. Yikes. But it literally doubles the HP of the Avatar of Khaine, and gives him some new nifties to play with.

Avatar Of Khaine (Relic Commander / Daemon). Level 8. 27000 HP. Squad size = single. Melee 1222 – 1421 damage. Cost: 1200R/0P (0R/0P After Upgrade)

So, at tier 4 he’s pretty much a game-ender. He smashes things to ruin quickly, with abilities that do devastating damage to EVERYTHING. He costs a lot to have around at tier 3, and he’s not nearly as useful as he becomes later on. Point being, if you get to use this guy, keep him alive until the tech is done researching, making him free to recruit again if he dies. But he’s probably not going to die. I had Tau fixed defenses and twice-upgraded listening posts to contend with, and in tier 3, he made mincemeat of everything in his way. He could not be stopped. What about the rest of the Eldar military? I have begun implementing a new strategy based on my success with the Tau. I started building and upgrading the Eldar core commander units, expanding into relic units. This has yielded several successful military campaigns, including a battle-line hold with the Farseer and Autarch only. The Avatar of Khaine is pretty handy if your economy is fucking awesome.

I held off 2 squads of Stealth Suits, 2 squads of Kroot Carnivores and a battalion of Fire Warriors. Just those two. How?

Farseer (Secondary Commander). Level 8. 4737 HP. Squad size = single. Melee 81 – 110 / Ranged 42 – 52 damage. Cost: 300R\60P

Autarch (Primary Commander). Level 8. 5928 HP. Squad size = single. Melee 69 – 106 / Ranged 42 – 52 damage. Cost: 280R\50P

The Farseer is an MM (micro-managed) unit, with a full toolbar of special abilities, that (when upgraded) deal huge amounts of damage in single shots or area of effect spells. She is devastating to vehicles (with abilities), and does well in melee combat, save a lower then usual hitpoint total. She’s not nearly as combat effective as the Autarch (who was clearly designed to kill things in melee combat).  BUT WAIT! There’s a whole lot more.

Seer Council (Command Squad). Level 8. 7440 HP. Squad size = 12. Melee 77 – 96 damage. Cost: 195R\105P

A diverse collection of commander-class units. The Council can cap points, which is useful towards endgame. I et down to crippling the AI’s economy be destroying their posts and using the Seer Council to turn the points over to me. This will suffocate the AI with too few resources to match those fully upgraded command units.

Eldar are a thinking man’s army, because you need to pay keen attention to the Farseer if you’re using her in combat. Letting her die is not a good idea. She’s probably comparable to the Imperial Guard’s Psykers… but massively expanded in usefulness. I’m still making good of these command units, and probably misusing their true intended functionality. I have a feeling the UA camp would be unhappy with my playing style and whatnot. They are more competitive and victory-driven than I will ever be.

So, maybe I’ll do a command unit post for every race, or better, the ones I actually know how to use. These guys are vastly different from the Tau Empire army, but a fuck-ton of fun to play. Especially having a tier 3 ranged infantry unit (with D-gun upgrades for all 4 squad members). That’s just sick.

Zanzibar – Billy Joel

by in Creative Writing, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Ali dances and the audience applauds
Though he’s bathed in sweat he hasn’t lost his style
Ali don’t you go downtown
You gave away another round for free

Me, I’m just another face at Zanzibar
But the waitress always serves a secret smile
She’s waiting out in Shantytown
She’s gonna pull the curtains down for me, for me

I’ve got the old man’s car
I’ve got a jazz guitar
I’ve got a tab at Zanzibar
Tonight that’s where I’ll be

Rose, he knows he’s such a credit to the game
But the Yankees grab the headline every time
Melodrama’s so much fun
In black and white for everyone to see
Me, I’m trying just to get to second base
And I’d steal it if she only gave the sign
She’s gonna give the go ahead
The inning isn’t over yet for me

I’ve got the old man’s car
I’ve got a jazz guitar
I’ve got a tab at Zanzibar
Tonight that’s where I’ll be

Tell the waitress I’ll come back to Zanzibar
I’ll be hiding in the darkness with my beer
She’s waiting out in Shantytown
She’s gonna pull the curtains down for me, for me

I’ve got the old man’s car
I’ve got a jazz guitar
I’ve got a tab at Zanzibar
Tonight that’s where I’ll be

Preemptive Strike II: Shock & Awe

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve been in music heaven of late. Tirelessly burning several hundred compact disks to my computer. A lifetime’s worth of music. I’m roughly half way done, and my library has 15 days of music in it. HALF WAY MIND YOU.

So, my nation has decided to attack that other playlist before they attack us. Again.

Therefor, we have this bastard child of my imagination and my estranged musical palate. It’s a monkey in the wrench. It leads you one way, and then goes somewhere entirely different. It’s a barf-roller-coaster-from-hell ride of joy, laughter and misery.

  1. Suite: Judy Blue Eyes – Crosby, Stills & Nash
  2. Bitterblue – Cat Stevens
  3. Highway To Hell – AC/DC
  4. Rage – Quake II (Sonic Mayhem)
  5. Alone – Heart
  6. Man In The Mirror – Michael Jackson
  7. If You Could Read My Mind – Gordon Lightfoot
  8. Why Should I Cry For You – Sting
  9. Betterman – Pearl Jam
  10. Dust – Fleetwood Mac
  11. Lady – Little River Band
  12. The One – Elton John
  13. All Over You – Live
  14. In Thee – Blue Oyster Cult
  15. We Built This City – Starship
  16. Zanzibar – Billy Joel
  17. Valarie – Steve Winwood
  18. Rosanna – Toto

 

I sincerely hope you make this playlist and hear it all the way. I made it knida hard on you all with that track from the Quake 2 pc game soundtrack. Fucked story that one is.

I’m on Highway To Hell, and cruising along. See you on the flip side of today.

Burning With Pain

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

It’s like a little fire in me that won’t go out. It sits back there in the darkness and waits for the next rush of air to spark back to life. I can’t seem to stop this from happening, as well.

It’s hard. I was not expecting things to end the way they did. It has been tough. Trying to rebuild my life, repair my personality, restructure my independence. These things are quickly incinerated, tirelessly reconstructed, and newly appreciated.

I don’t want anything (thank goodness), and I have been penitent at every junction admissible. My random splatterings of hateful words are part of my process too. I have raw, heated feelings that will go quietly into the domain of the unacknowledged. Who else do I have to talk to about these things, save you out there?

I don’t expect to be received, understood and rewarded for having feelings. It’s up to me to understand why, and cope with the immediate. I’m yearning for the acceptance of love beyond my family. I endure despite hardship and stress and pain.

I’m not sure what to do. I have things I do actively. I participate and refrain from judgement as much as I can. This road I’m on is long and winding. I’m ready for the endurance test. I’m doing all the right things to make myself ready for the next stage of life ahead. I hope my practicing, discipline and effort carry me. I have hard work to show for myself.

I don’t know how my ex is doing, and I don’t know that I care. I would put time into finding out if I felt that would prove useful somehow. It really does not. I find myself hoping she’s ok and not struggling to survive or anything. She lost her job, I was told. So, I don’t really know how she’s going to make it out here. It’s hard to get a space in San Diego. Property values being high, and increasing the closer you get to the coast.

I’m already thinking about when I “move out.”

I imagine a charming studio somewhere in the east county. Where the property values aren’t so bazanga-fred.

$750 – $900 a month, depending on the location and circumstances. I have also been looking at small residences like guest houses and whatnot.

With regular, consistent employment, I see myself doing this in the next 2-3 months (ideally). My DoR intake done, I’m just waiting on their call so I can get started with the employment portion of my recovery.

This is possible, right? I can do this!

It’s doable. And more importantly, it’s something I really want and will not be happy until I have made that step.

I fret over being lonely and misunderstood. Sometimes a pain grows in me. Very deep. It bubbles up and makes me feel insignificant, wasted and broken. I don’t deserve that. But then, why does it still happen? Does some part of me demand to be heard over the din of positive things happening in my life?

I find that, if true, to be most unfortunate.

It’s not going to hamper my goals. My progress is PROVEN with FACTS. I do things. I take a step forward.

I have things to look forward to. Every day. No doubt.

So, thanks for letting me process some stuff. I just have a lot of thoughts in my head and no place to put them save out here, in the cyber-ether. Be well travelers.

Got A Project! Yipee!

by in Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve been going through all the music my family owns, in compact disk format. It’s about 5 small moving boxes full to the top with CDs. Probably over 500 titles. Going through and burning every CD to my hard drive is a daunting task, needless to say; that’s exactly what I’ve been up to the last couple of days.  I found the J through S box, and just came home with the C through J box to work on today. I know there’s a A through C box that has a bunch of stuff that I pulled out of the collection in it. All out of alphabetical order, but eh. We’re just storing them for now. All 12 bazillion CDs normally go on a six foot tall rotating spindle, which is sitting in our storage unit with no disks on it. Getting the picture here?

The CD boxes are under the mattress, which makes getting the next box after this one a chore. We’re going to have to pull everything out, grab the boxes we want, and then reassemble it as best we can, given the arbitrary nature of balancing half full boxes of previous lives against each other.

I’m calculating a total volume of +500 gigabytes. That’s including the 65 gigs I already had on my computer. So, big, right? It’s an insane amount of music, spanning a 20 year history of collecting CDs through mail order catalogs and music clubs. It’s the most extensive and diverse collection of albums I’ve ever been shown, and now it will be entirely captured in my computer; able to be summoned or dismissed at my the crux of my whims.

Some real rare gems in here. I’ve heard maybe 1/3 of the whole collection in all the years we had it. It’s deep, for sure.

I intend to craft some truly unique and memorable playlists before this deal is done. Be warned of music-related posts coming in the near future.

Peace friends, and listen well.

 

 

I Want Tomorrow – Enya

by in Creative Writing, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dawn breaks; there is blue in the sky.
Your face before me
Though I don’t know why.
Thoughts disappearing like tears from the Moon.

Waiting here, as I sit by the stone,
They came before me
Those men from the Sun.
Signs from the heavens say I am the one.

Now you’re here, I can see your light,
This light that I must follow.
You, you may take my life away, so far away.
Now I know I must leave your spell
I want tomorrow.

June Mood Album: Preemptive Strike

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , ,

I’m bombing your nation before you can bomb mine. With music.

I’m feeling a great deal of things, so this CD kinda goes that way, zooming all over the emotional spectrum. Been thinking sad thoughts about Jax. Feeling my love rotting inside me. Not dead, but permanently damaged and losing ground to decay. It will eventually be dead.

I’ve had ups and downs. This CD just happens to cycle between the two at an insane speed. Welcome to MY WORLD.

  1. Tonight – Elton John (George Michael cover)
  2. Policy Of Truth – Depeche Mode
  3. Cold As Ice – Foreigner
  4. 21 Guns – Green Day
  5. Scar Tissue – Red Hot Chili Peppers
  6. Livin’ On The Edge – Aerosmith
  7. Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now) – Phil Collins
  8. Just Like Heaven – The Cure
  9. Saint Agnes And The Burning Train – Sting
  10. The Heart Of The Matter – Don Henley
  11. Caribbean Blue – Enya
  12. Lazy Susan – Dan Fogelberg & Tim Wiesberg
  13. Close To Me – The Cure
  14. Learning To Fly – Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
  15. Beautiful Stranger – Madonna
  16. Fastlove – George Michael
  17. Need You Tonight – INXS
  18. Any Way You Want It – Journey

Ultimate Apocalypse Game Notes (Tau Empire Commanders)

by in Mental Illness, PC Games & Theories, Rant and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

It seems I’ve been lucky in my skirmishes. Maybe I’m actually not lucky at all, but have been secretly snoozing on the secret. I have a tendency, when playing Tau Empire, to build the ALL the available commander units and lean on them as the backbone of the military. This is a great idea, because that backbone is hard to break. Take your tier II command squad:

XV89 Bodyguards. Level 8. 10847 HP. Squad size = 3 + 1 (Shield Drone). Ranged 150-200 damage. Cost: 450R\150P

Why am I bringing this up? I’ve been winning a lot. I want to know why, so, I found myself maxing-out the commanders’ research options, and then flipping on their shields; to have them go squat somewhere and obliterate every single thing around them. It worked. I could roll them up to a relic or other defensive position, and they would then proceed to hammer every single structure until it was rubble. Then scorch any unit that wandered by. I’m baffled by the 150-200 damage. I think that after both ranged Tau weapons upgrades, they would be hitting a bit harder than the damage indicator would say. They smash structures when given 3 Fusion Blaster upgrades. Smash. Recall their price, being quite high. The requisition alone is equal to the tech I transition. Times two.

Ok, we get it. They’re good. But why? They are beatable. They can’t take an immense amount of punishment. They will drop off, one by one, to concussive rockets and similar such immobilizing weapons. In a cluster with his buddies, the XV89 Bodyguard squad does well. Wonder why?

XV89 Commander. Level 8. 5812 HP. Squad size = 1. Ranged 130-160 damage. Cost: 335R\80P

Right. He’s slow as fuck. Jumping him around is, like, the only option. I give him the Plasma Rifle / Airburst Fragmentation on each arm. Every time. Cutting infantry is what these commander units are made to do, and they do it well when properly equipped. The primary commander is frail, but has a dps like nothing else. I try to compare him to other commanders, and he’s much easier to lose, but a lot of fun if you can have him, tearing through structures and vehicles. Once fully upgraded, he’s hard to stop.

XV22 Commander. Level 8. 3674 HP. Squad size = 1. Ranged 130-160 damage. Cost: 280R\50P

He’s not an early-game option, because he can’t hold any ground while not upgraded. He has a pathetic intolerance to taking damage, and dies rapidly under stress. Dark Eldar usually get him once or twice if I’m not being careful. Tyranids as well. He can move FAST without jumping. He’s deadly when given all his accoutrements. Place him well, with delicate fingers. Speaking of delicate:

Great Ethereal. Level 8. 1415 HP. Squad size = 1. Melee 208-282 damage. Cost: 305R\100P

If you let him go hit stuff, there’s a good chance he’s gonna die. And it’s probably to a fixed defense somewhere too far away for him to get to before being shot to pieces. This is bad, because his death is marked by some sort of morale reducing debuf that affects all units and buildings. Bummer. They don’t fight as hard when you let their “God” go run out into the fray and get pulverized. Not a sound plan. But building a sound foundation is precisely key to success. Having a faster way to get between tiers with Tau would be a start. The Heavy Builder is the fucking answer. And it cranks Tau up a notch. I’m happy to confess, I have yet to lose a game with them since I started using the unit.

XV30 Heavy Builder. Level 8? 1779 HP. Squad size = 1. Melee 75-92 damage. Cost: 170R\60P

Perhaps not your cup of tea. I love that unit. It can lob grenades, in a pinch. I have found that to be useful on more than one occasion. I enjoy using these units. They are tremendous, in combination, and I’ve found them to be nearly impossible to stop. I can supplement the core of commander units with Skyrays, Barracudas, or waiting for Hammerheads and Sunfire Suits. It’s over at that point.

I don’t know if I’ve addressed the question. I can literally crush anything with the XV89 Bodyguards. It’s hard as fuck to stop. I wonder if this will be true in the event that I play a human opponent? I tend to believe the computer to be, fundamentally, a more acute challenge than a human player. Humans forget to do things, computers do not.

I continue forward, carving successes from the great pine of glory. I just figured you’d like to hear about how I’ve been soullessly crushing my artificial foes to putty. It’s just another day in recovery-town.

8 Minutes In Heaven

by in Creative Writing, PC Games & Theories, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve found a way to have fun fighting with the computer and not be driven crazy every 4 minutes. With the AI on Hard, I have an easy 8 minutes to get my shit together before dealing with any major offensive. By 8 minutes, I’m going tier 3 and probably have some units in play already. I’m finding I peak at tier 3, with 2/4 economy upgrades purchased for both power and requisition. I’m rolling along if that’s the case, and can afford to repeat-build a preferred unit or two. With Eldar, I go Warp Spiders and Fire Dragons from two separate barracks. Tau Empire sees XV8 Crisis/Sunfire Suits and Hammerhead Gunships. Imperial Guard gets Kasrskins and (INSERT TANK-OF-THE-WEEK HERE). Fire dragons take care of structures much more effectively than a Nightspinner, so I go with them. For my success, the approach has been to solidify the economic standing of my colony, then begin peaking with units around tier 3 so I’m not wasting resources on units that are going to die quickly. Even upgraded and reenforced, It’s sad to see tier 1 stuff going against my Wraithlords. It goes poorly for them.

It’s not as clear cut as that. Orks tend to get into my perimeter by the 5-6 minute area, which can be problematic unless dealt with. I’ve found myself leaning on fixed defenses for some early-game cushion. I set listening posts on perimeter requisition points and then build a cluster of fixed defenses right on top of it. i will do this usually to two posts with a map-edge to protect flanking approaches. With two points fortified, I can spend resources on upgrades and technology. I get my requisition and power gains both leveled twice, so my economy can take a repeating build queue from at least two structures and afford me some leftover resources to buy more upgrades. I find that it takes time to get to this point, at least 7-10 minutes. Usually it happens that about the time my tier 2 opponent has started causing me worry, I’m in a place where I can draw back, coil, and strike. I hit the ground with leveled and deadly units usually built to a counter of some sort, so I can address what the enemy has already shown me, and act appropriately.

I these games, which run from 16 – 22 minutes, I’m able to do all the things I want in the RTS gameplay experience. It’s a fragile balance often upset by being dealt a slightly more aggressive or passive AI personality. I fins Orks, Tyranids and Chaos Space Marines are all pretty aggressive (respectively). Nercons, Sisters of Battle and Tau Empire are all a bit slow on the ground game. They tend to be slow when measured to when I end up peaking, which is usually a win if I make it farther along than they do come scrapping time.

I’m lacking a significant anecdote which relays this point effectively. I have only a few skirmishes to make my new-found assessments. I am curious if there are different approaches to handling the skirmish AI? Though, I am weary from the thought of playing new human opponents… I know the transition is shocking and vastly different from the AI (see, predictable).

The great quandary of these games comes from two human minds competing on these arena floors. Every game then truly being the result of a collision of two chaos-driven engines or creative inspiration. There are surely more reasons to record games when you have human foes: the games requiring explanation are often because they’re hilarious.

 

 

 

HR to H (Ultimate Apocalypse Game Notes)

by in Creative Writing, PC Games & Theories, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m going to switch away from the Harder (HR) AI and go back to Hard (H). Why? Largely because the AI on HR has managed to really piss me off.

Elaborations: I’ve been testing my wits against the computer for some time now, and for the most part, I’m pleased. On HR, the AI makes a really annoying decision to rush every single game at he 4 minute mark. I call this approach, a rush because it’s all Tier I stuff, and it usually accomplishes the goal of forcing me into a surrender. 4 minutes in? You are killing me with T1 shit and we’re 4 minutes in? Really?

I don’t like this. What’s the point of having 4 tiers of technology and units if YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO GET TO USE ANY OF IT? If your whole big plan is to harass my economic buildings in the first 5 minutes of the game, you will certainly win, but have we played a game at all… or did you just get off on killing me? Victory being the goal which surpasses enjoyment.

I find this approach retarded. Why not actually play the game? The rush strategy annoys, and cripples your foe quickly, taking them out of the game entirely and leaving you to play-sturbate all day long through the ruins of their base. When I play, I avoid the rush altogether. There’s no way I’m determined on “winning” enough to compromise my methods. I will get there in my own sweet time, probably having a lot of fun doing it, while allowing the precious seconds to tick tock by. I’ll see you in 20 minutes.

The AI wins 75% of my games now because I am to stubborn to counter the rush. I want to play MY FUCKING WAY. And then I get killed and I get all flabbergasted.

On H, the AI does not rush, or if they do (often times with the Orks), they run away just as fast to any fixed defenses you lay down. Or even upgraded listening posts. AND THAT’S THE WAY IT FUCKING SHOULD BE. Who wants to sit down, get comfy and then get massacred in 3 minutes and be forced to go do something else. I don’t suck at RTS games, but the AI certainly makes me feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I have to change that. Even if it means longer, less interesting games, I’ll just play on bigger maps and give the H AI a chance to expand and get into the tech tiers.

I’ll let you know how that goes as soon as I have a data set later today. Probably after my NAMI meeting.

The Crucible Of Want

by in Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m doing ok, all things considered. My schedule has begun to rapidly fill with items of interest, keeping my situation buoyant. I have been healing and that’s been hard but necessary. I’m also waiting out DoR, who at this point will be getting back to me via phone once I’m enrolled in the program.

So, while I patiently bide my time, I continue to load up my days with groups and activities. I also filed my divorce yesterday. I filed all the correct paperwork, just waiting for the judge’s stamp and then it’s over. That’s not good or bad, but simply is a thing that happened. I’m trying to take judgments out of my effective communication skills. I feel liberated by the willingness to describe things, instead of determining something from facts. My perception has begun to change somewhat, as a result of all this mindfulness. It’s a great skill that I still need a lot of practice with if ever I hope to live one-mindedly. I’m improving. I can see that clear enough even with my astigmatisms. It’s a course marked by time and making no bold leaps in any direction, but lots of tiny steps towards goals. I’m done with the leaping business. Time for me to settle in to independence, and the restoration of my standard of living. I intend to improve until the ceiling for my improvement is reached. I’m not being ambitious, but simply asking myself if I’m worth trying my best to restore my life to something I can feel proud about? I don’t think it’s an unfair question, and correspondingly, so to does my pride demand that it be bolstered. So to does my heart demand the chance to beat, the chance to feel deeply and be ok with that. To have down times, and not be crushed by them. To have people who know what to do, in the places that matter. I’m not asking for anything impossible, but certainly difficult to attain. All good things are worth what it takes to get them. It’s the struggle that gives reward it’s freedom. I can’t think of many more words to say, but I just want you to know that I’m not satisfied where I am. I want more than what is being asked, and sill strive to get as much responsibility as I can handle, while juggling moods and the impossible circumstance of life all the while. I can do this, because I want it.

Message In A Bottle

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Jax,

I’m composing this letter to address some of the things I did while we were married. These things created a burden or caused us to separate further in our distancing from each other as we fell out of love. I want to take responsibility for my deeds enacted, because it matters to me that I have a handle on what not to do for the future. I want to be clear in objective as well: I’m trying to clear my slate of guilt and regret. I’m not here to supplicate. I know I was wrong, I know it. That’s a tough thing to swallow. I am only too keenly aware of my shortcomings in the arena of relationships.

I want you to know that I thought we “had it all,” for what it’s worth. We may have some things glaringly not synced, but the large portion of that disconnect is not vital to maintaining love. Love comes from a place of strength and reassurance within. I know now that I did not love myself when I was with you. You often told me that this was the case, often asking me how I could love you if I did not love myself. I never had an answer.

Also, from the beginning, I never gave you the space to have your feelings. You DESERVE and have the RIGHT to express exactly what you feel. I was always scared of trauma relived, because I know that trauma pain never gets any better when it gets looked over. It needs validation, and being rejected by me and argued with because of your feelings is not good either. I couldn’t handle unregulated expression, because I was not strong enough to hold your feelings and not freak out. I just thought they were harmful, not good, and rejected them rather than pay them the attention they deserve. I was judging, when I should have been listening.

We are ineffective communicators of important information to each other. We had feelings and things that were exclusive; I never told you about the real struggle I was enduring, the slow ups and downs of the disorder… and I felt like you probably kept things from me too. I believed our mutual illnesses could have been the strength that united us. Instead, we kept our mental health problems a secret and tried to pretend it was ok regardless. I know I did this to try to maintain stability, versus making myself even more of a burden on us. I know I was the needy one. I “needed” more than you did, because my illness goes deeper and affects me more than yours does to you. This is not a derogatory comparison, it’s just true. I am more needy than most, because I can’t always support myself. Sometimes things just rot, and rot some more until the pain becomes too much to bear silently.

I should have given you the space to be yourself, and sometimes I felt like I crowded your life with my presence. I had to have control, though, this issue became lees and less an issue as time marched on. As soon as my symptoms started coming back, all bets were off. I relapsed into the familiar, the need to exercise control over my life, because my emotions were all over the place and no one could keep the lid on.

All in all, I let you down. But you let me down too. You did sign up to be in a relationship with a mentally ill guy… and I thought that was a grand idea. We SHOULD be the best stewards of ourselves, and we were not when the moment counted. I disappointed, with my illness coming full force into my life and wrecking everything it touched. It went on uncontrolled and had very little in the way of resistance in it’s struggle to take over.

I know what kind of life I CAN HAVE while still being mentally ill. I need a place willing to bend with my moods, be forgiving and understanding, and above all, patient. Despite all this “me taking responsibility and whatnot,” I can’t help but wonder why. Why did this one fight, this one moment of collapse, sadness and despair have to be the thing that splattered my life like a watermelon out a window? It didn’t have to, but I sense you may have been looking for a way out for a while, and this moment happened, and it was just an opportunity taken. You could be free, and so, you chose to be free. I know it’s a hard, unforgiving reality you’ve embraced. It must be difficult to go and do your life, and I’m so unbelievably sorry to have forced you (in some part) to the decisions you made. I didn’t do the things I needed to do to keep myself healthy, let alone the both of us. So, our relationship failed.

I’m not asking for anything. That time is gone. I write this for my own reasons, to expedite the process of recovery from the deep resonating sadness infecting my life today. I expect and want for nothing. I have to go forward, bearing in mind the mistakes and problems I’ve had. I still have a life, and it still demands to be lived, every day.

I’m processing. This letter is one among many outpourings of my tortured soul to try and make sense of the harsh realities of living while mentally ill.

Detail Oriented II: League Settings

by in Mental Illness, Sports Pontifications, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I have finished calculating the best configuration for the second year of managing my own league. I based this primarily on experimental data collected during last season. I have figured out, in my opinion, how to balance the different roster positions against each other to reward each, yet, keep them at comparative, competitive levels. I have included the breakdown box, which is where my spreadsheet draws variables to calculate fantasy point values on the main scorecard. It will tell the exact fantasy point value for every score-able element. Each scoring category is reiterated in the detailed comparisons shown after the breakdown box.

The league is going to be better than ever this year, and even if I have to scour the public forums for participants, I shall have a league.

2014SS

 

201422det1 201422det2 2014ssdet3 2014ssdet4 2014ssdet5

 

Victory At Sea!

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, PC Games & Theories and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Today’s theory is: Navy. Some RTS games have it, some do not. What does it accomplish? What is the theory of it’s use? How do you do Navy?

Naval units, if available, represent a very unique factor in some maps. If you map is landlocked, then no, you have no reason to worry. If you play a mix, and do allow for the presence of water, navies are powerful weapons and command a new approach to achieving victory. If a strategy game was like a jigsaw puzzle, water would be all one big giant important piece. Like owning all of Asia in Risk. It’s almost totally essential to give water your utmost attention. Water, like I said, is all one big piece. It has no battle-line, and things roam about on it freely. Willy-nilly, you might say. It is therefore, essential to bring ORDER to this fragmented land. YOU MUST OWN THE WATER.

Let’s just be super dooper clear: own the water. To win on a water map, OWN THE WATER. The water is one connected piece of property. To own it is to also possess a firing line into everything that water touches. Secure the edges of the water, keep a dock or some such from being built, and wa la! Victory! To top it off, navy units are often OP (overpowered). They have like 6 guns that do different (yet bad) things to anything that happens to be dumb enough to wander by aimlessly. Navy units DISH OUT punishment. And are beefy. Considering all these factors, and the power that owning the “water piece” of the puzzle unlocks, it seems foolish to disregard the water.

So, games that allow water are great. Games that do not, of have neutered navies (See Battle for Middle Earth II) should probably be considered on a different plateau of sub-genre of RTS games. They narrow this potion probably because of a gimmick of some kind that would make navy units unfeasible.

Anecdote: Today I was playing Age of Mythology: The Titans. Because it’s cute and fun. Anyway, I was on an islands map (implying that two lad masses are permanently separated/surrounded by water), and had 3 docks all slamming the fishing nodes all around my island, but I had pinched the spaces between the islands; having two big globs of navy units on either side. There was no way to get into the water between our bases, as a result, and I then piled up ranged siege ships along the inmost coast separating our two islands. I pounded AI’s base flatter than hammered shit. Surrender came BEFORE I even mounted the ground assault. I had 50+ units boarding transports and preparing to disembark when he called it quits. OWN THE WATER.

It’s pretty much the key. Some games do hover units. Yeah. Still, own the water. Navies represent some of the most ridiculous units spanning multiple games as examples. They crush regular units by the handfuls. Even in lamafied versions of navy, they are rare, and worth getting because they then allow you to control a piece of the map that is unlike anything else. One big piece to rule them all.

Control the water, and reinforce your economy to handle carrying the added burden of a navy. If it’s available (even if it restricts the type and variety of ground unit you can make), add water to your battlefield.

For you, this only means one thing: if there is water, you must fucking own it.

FFL Update

by in Sports Pontifications, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I’m feeling it in the water and smelling it in the air… football season is coming back. Not yet, but soon, it will return in all it’s splendor, excitement and intrigue. In preparation for yet another year of FFL and NFL drama, I’ve christened my two teams, one in the NEW LEAGUE I WILL BE RUNNING (reply if you want an invite at the end of the month), and the other in the family league. I’m going for chargers references, plus me = coded nerd message.

 

 

 

teams

Anyway, I’m not activating a league until Yahoo! opens up to the public. Not going with ESPN as host. They fucking suck by comparison.

I’ll no doubt end the “dark time” of the NFL offseason when training camps get going. Hard Knocks is going to be selected by June. A lot is waiting in the wings.

 

Offed

by in Creative Writing, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

I don’t have a task (or two) to line up today, so, I get what is effectively an “off day” from my “hardly rigorous” schedule. I shouldn’t be too disparaging, because I have good things to report on many fronts. I got involved with NAMI here in San Diego, and at the Easy County Mental Health Services building they hold meetings weekly (Friday 12:00 – 1:30) called Recovery Connections. I was REALLY active in the group this time. I had so many left over bad feelings from that DBSA peer support thing I had been going to on Thursdays. I went 5 times, and 2 times it was a total whiff, with the group’s attention focused on one person’s crisis, and all conversation and energy drawn to it. I was not there to help someone sulk, or pity themselves, or try and dig someone out of a hole they helped put themselves in. Acknowledgment and acceptance of responsibility are KEY to my involvement in providing assistance, and if you and I can’t agree that you’re in the business of helping yourself, I’m not going out on a limb for a total stranger. Sorry.

I want to go to groups so that I can give AND TAKE something back for myself. If people are willing to contribute on an advanced level, follow some pre-set rules, then everything should work out nicely. The DBSA meeting on Thursdays has no coordinator from an organization of any form, it’s (therefore) peer-led. Which is not any good, because there is structure that is present in a managed circumstance that is brutally absent in peer-led arrangements. No one respects a peer leader, or any rules (it seems). But I digress; the real issue here is that I was active, free with my thoughts, and liberal with my commentary during this highly-rewarding group session. Cynthia and Red were our hosts, and they made the group active, flow nicely, enforced rules / time constraints and basically did everything one needs to in order to lead a group solidly towards noticeable objectives. I learned the value of my mindfulness practice (reenforced from life skills), and had some great insights from peers about how to manage stress and anxiety with meditation. And I had great things to add, and topics to bring-up. It went really well, so I am pleased and will be going back weekly.

 

On top of all that, another NAMI group member invited me to a “highly intellectual” DBSA meeting being held on Tuesday evenings in the same location as the other one I attended. Not bad. I’m clearly making strides to being more high-functioning. Other people are noticing, even. So this is all good news. I will have a new group to go to at 6:30 Tuesday evenings weekly. I’m just really excited about the direction my life-world is headed, and I can’t tell you how good it feels to have the drive and will to succeed. It is wholly empowering and reinforces good behaviors and thought-patterns.

But today is an “off day.”

My mom is going to put art to some of my poetry. I have the task of going through them and finding ones that would make for that sort of physical inspiration. A lot of my poetry dives deep into my symptoms, and that’s not necessarily a fun thing to read about. So, I’ve got other poem “genres” and the task of sorting through the 80+ samples is now up to me.

 

I’ll let you all know what the outcome is, but I think it will be pretty smashing.

Introspection (Check-In)

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

When I wake up, it is to the outside air. Every morning, I roll out of my futon which is enclosed in a tent-structure which attaches itself to my parent’s RV awning. It’s like living outside, because IT IS LIVING, OUTSIDE.  I get up and make a fresh pot of coffee and sit down at my computer. Lately, I’ve been reading a few blogs, or articles on Google science’s page. I have to admit I look at Jax’s blog, mostly because she promised “a post a day” on the 2nd. Albeit, she hasn’t followed through, I still check in in case there is a gasp of life or new content for me to process. I do this  “check-in” infrequently, but still do it, because I’d rather be deaf than blind. And she promised new content… damnit…

Afterwards, I will take some time and see if I have a blog post in my head somewhere. Sometimes I do, sometimes not. After about 9:30 or so, things get moving. Of late, I have had obligations to 2 new groups (Life Skills and NAMI Peer Support), weekly therapy, biweekly psychiatry visits, friends to hang with and fishing / walking around staring at a lake. These are CLEARLY not sufficient to sustaining life, but will do just fine for the time being. On a good day, when I have things going on, I’m busy from morning until mid-afternoon. This is huge, because it’s the downtime that’s killing me. I feel so utterly useless sometimes, like I’m waist deep in the mud and sinking slowly. I strive for full / part-time employment so my time is spent making money, not evaporating into the air of wasted moments.

During the day, I try to take time to practice my mindfulness skills I’m learning about. I’m trying to just OBSERVE myself, or moments in which my emotions are in flux. I breathe, in and out, slowly, and FEEL the air passing through me, slowly, slowly. It’s both relaxing, and good practice for settling my mind. I have a lot of ADD symptoms now, since I’ve abandoned treatment of this portion of my disorder. It’s too risky to treat, frankly.

While going through my day, I do the best I can at my tasks and responsibilities. I try hard. Which is a reward in and of itself. My life requires a certain sense of vigilance.

In the evening, I smoke with my Dad and we usually watch a movie over dinner. Bed time is around 8:30 – 10:00. It varies, depending on how long I hang around not being tired enough to sleep. I play little games on my iPhone. Sleep takes me to a dreamless land of solace, peace, quiet and rest. So often my nights are haunted by vivid dreams, but since regular smoking, that has faded. Marijuana takes the dreams away for some reason, and provides me with precious undisturbed tranquility.

 

As you can see, I’m trying to let my actions do the talking for me. I’m looking forward to having yet another increase in my responsibility level when DoR approves me and I can go to MHS and get employment help. I want to get back in the fold. I want to be active, independent and adult. I’m working hard to meet those goals, slowly, at the speed that best ensures success and relinquishes me of the burden of struggling alone. I am doing so well, getting so much stronger, every day, and I’m very glad for that.

 

I hope YOU can see the change. I can. My writing has become deeper, my words less about trivial circumstance and more about the work that goes in to building a life. That’s my ultimate objective: restoration. Be a part of it by reading!

Trimber

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Buried thickets.

Obscuring wind.

Fragrance of flowers,

Dust on the pillow.

Whispered words.

Soliloquy of summer.

Turbid heat-risers,

Succulent tender-tastes.

Cactus prickles,

Hot breath run ragged,

Crumbling mountains climb.

West sun fading.

Deserted dusk-wraps,

Sealed with a dry kiss.

Peace.

Night is upon us.

 

Chicken Pizza!!!!!!!!

by in Creative Writing, PC Games & Theories, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I had another random draw against Space Marines, and I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if they didn’t do the same shit they did before: leading commander early on victory condition: assassinate.

Not the brightest maneuver, but entertaining! I got him this time with a blob of Gun Drones standing near a relic which had been upgraded with defenses. So it may have been a combination of both, or perhaps he was trying to get away from something, and stumbled on to the Gun Drones accidentally? Whatever the reason, I was not even watching when it happened, so, speculative based on the map at the end of the game. But still dead, and early. We were at 9:45 when he died. I was still working on Tier III. So, moral of the story is UA wasn’t coded to handle that victory condition, and should only really be used against human foes.

 

Speaking of which, I have no one to game with, and no real way to game with anyone on this limited use data plan. My internet is my iPhone’s hotspot, and up to 5GBs of usage. I can’t stream game content, and I can’t multiplay, so, RTS has been a lifesaver, because it’s been an adequate source of entertainment whist not being able to play with anyone else. I should like to get back into competitive gaming. It was tons of fun when I was healthy enough to manage it. I wanted to play UA all the time with Will but I was so damn tired from working that we rarely got in a game. And we still have never, together, played 1.73. I was looking forward to that so much, and we never even talk about it anymore. My life and his have gone different directions, and he’s not as lonely, and I’m harder to get a hold of. I guess things come and go. Maybe we will line up again soon, and I’ll be in a place where we could all have big multiplayer dates with our cyber-friends who all play 1.73. It’s a dream of mine, to some day be back in my own place, with fast internet, and be able to have my own bubble, and do with it what I pleased. I could call people up and have LAN parties. I could buy us all pizza and we could drink PUB and have a good time. Or something. Anyway.

 

I think since 1.73 really balanced things out nicely, assassinate is GOING to be a lot of fun once I can get settled somewhere where I can game again. Freely.

 

I appreciate time spent playing games when I’m BREAKING FROM SOMETHING. Going from “idle” to “play” is not any fun, because it has no reward. No fun, because it didn’t take anything at all to earn it. I didn’t EARN this down time! I’m stuck in it as procedural events take place in my docile life. I’m largely bored, looking for things to do to light me up inside, and I’ve taken to writing more (clearly) and also exploring game theory. It’s not been work, and it’s not been UTTERLY wasted time, but I am unhappy with the way things are and determined to change. I want games to be a rewarding break from the monotony of labor. And they will be again some day.

 

For now, I’m just making the best sense of what I have to work with. I’m so limited right now, still growing outwards, but getting better and more proactive all the time. It’s been hard to do, but good work is being done, and I’m glad.

 

My video game multiplayer dreams are not dead. Not by a long shot. I look forward to when they will be coming true.

 

Finally, make it 7 RTS titles installed, adding Age of Mythology: The Titans to the arsenal today. Silly.

The Last Unicorn

by in Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I cry every time I hear “Man’s Road.” No fucking joke.

It’s just SO FUCKING SAD I mean how can you not cry? You’re a HEARTLESS CRUEL BABY SEAL SMASHER if you disagree.

I was thinking this day would come, but I wondered greatly about when it would be. Today was the third strike on my attempts to get together with my ex and fill out the last paperwork for our divorce. Mostly my fault that it broke down, but we’re still getting things done via snail mail instead of meeting. Then this thought popped into my head: you are never going to see her again.

It’s true. What reason other than to divorce her would I then have reason to see her? So, that was it, that last time she made me wait for an hour at the Starbucks in La Mesa because she was running late. It was anticlimactic. I wanted out the moment she walked in. This whole thing being “over” is helping me a lot, because now I’m not stuck in a place of stagnation. I’m not in an environment that will settle, but instead, strives and pushes with constant motivational drive. I feel myself becoming stronger, and I like that, especially knowing I’m doing it by myself, for myself.

 

But right, not ever going to see her again. That’s a strange thought, considering I brought her here with the intent to build a life with her. Instead, she’s off on her own doing whatever with her existence. Independent from my concern or occupation. I’ve grown beyond a need to find out what she’s thinking, and are now focused on what I’m thinking, when, and why. I’m a much bigger deal then Jax, in my mind, so I’m going to give my attention to the more deserving party. That’s an interesting revelation: The attention I give to Jax sustains a lot of negative feelings, so being disconnected from it is a revolution of new resources to be spent on myself, and not her.

It’s really freeing, to be the observer. To hesitate before action, and contradict instinctual impulses. Middle-mind.

I’m clearly learning some new things here with all the classes and counseling I’ve been through. It continues to add value to my world.

Never going to see her again. It’s haunting me, like there’s something wrong with the fact that she’s out of my life. Well, duh.

The best part about this WHOLE THING is that I’m learning something new. I can’t tell you enough how I appreciate the ability to garner something of use from every murkatroid situation that my life is subjected to. Whether it’s through my direct action or not, I’ve fouled up any number of things that will require me to LEARN, with hopes of not repeating said miscues.

 

A little scatterbrained today. But all is right and good. It’s another day, another way to prove my worth to me.

Claims

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Rant, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve had some time to sit here and think, which has lead me to a point in which I desire advancement. I’m not happy with where things are in my life, and I’m feeling more and more capable of handling a larger load of responsibility. I can get myself places, and I’m never late. I have my DoR appointment today and I’m super excited to be a part of their program. I just know this is going to help me find and keep a job, which will only further catapult my life into a new successful direction.

 

I don’t have much in the way of nagging negativity. Jacqueline experienced that first hand when she came over here; I got super anxious and lost my cool when I started feeling like garbage because I was doing nothing of immediate importance. But as a good friend will, she listened and understood, and gave me a bit of a reality check so I could get my face together again. A good thing, because I was looking at a slow day where I couldn’t accomplish much of anything, and to bear that time feeling anxious about it is a subscription to misery. I desire to avoid undue suffering, so I kept myself occupied cleaning up stuff and making the place look fresh for my parents (when they were to come home).

 

I ended up going out to see my parents Sunday night at Lauren & Mike’s house in the Mission Beach area. It was nice to just get out and drive somewhere, to have an appointment to keep. It helps with establishing relevancy, which has become the crux of my struggle to establish a new identity since Jax. It’s working, I’m glad to say. I’ve seen unprecedented, uninterrupted growth for consecutive weeks and onto months. I’ve advanced my life and my goals incrementally, but still progressing along. Soon, big changes are headed my way, like employment, housing, medical coverage… all in due course. Either way, I’m still excited about what is coming. This week has been the busiest so far, which is a good sign. And from here on out, I’m looking at having something concrete to achieve nearly every day of the working week. I have classes, groups and medical appointments to go to, as well as anything new that happens to pop in to my life. Exciting times, yes yes.

 

I wanted you all to know, first hand, that your acknowledgment and support through Likes and Comments to this blog or its posts has helped me tremendously. To have my words recorded is fine, therapeutically, because it makes my thoughts become focused and real, and gives them a place to exist outside of my mind. I do this with negativity as well, venting carelessly, and yet, you still read and process with me. I can’t tell you how honored I am to have over 300 of you out there who follow, or used to. It’s a pleasure to write, for me, and it’s working out nicely that I happen to be good at it, and therefore, enjoyable to be read. I will continue my creative expression as long as it has a use for me, and to date, it always has presented me with a chance to “let out” something I may have been keeping inside. Be it for good or evil, it will always be my live journal, marked by the cockamamie inscriptions of this, a lunatic mind.

 

Farewell travelers

May Mood Album: Introspelunking Adventures, HO!

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

This “self-exploitative” exercise 3 months running is designed to capture my state of mind in music, as best I can describe my circumstance and emotional health. I try to make each album a narrative journey of some kind, not based on the obvious like lyrics or titles. I observe tone, content, message, theme. Then I place songs next to each other forming tonal journeys through the highs and lows of the prearranged songs. So there you have it, and this month composition is listed below, color coded with thematic/tonal designations implied.

 

May Mood Album: Introspelunking Adventures, HO!

  1. Runnin’ With The Devil – Van Halen
  2. Head Games – Foreigner
  3. I Will Not Go Quietly – Don Henley
  4. Living On A Prayer – Jon Bon Jovi
  5. Sorrow – Bad Religion
  6. Since You’re Gone – The Cars
  7. I’ll Be Over You – Toto
  8. The Boxer – Simon and Garfunkel
  9. Nothing To Say – Jethro Tull
  10. That’s The Way It Goes – George Harrison
  11. Are We Ourselves? – The Fixx
  12. Walking On A Thin Line – Huey Lewis & The News
  13. Boulevard Of Broken Dreams – Green Day
  14. Roam – The B52’s
  15. Like A Prayer – Madonna
  16. Carpet Of The Sun – Renaissance
  17. Time Out Of Mind – Steely Dan
  18. Higher Love – Steve Winwood

 

Assassinate THIS!

by in Creative Writing, PC Games & Theories, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

There was an unprecedented change in the pattern today: leaving me stunned, truly.

I should preface by saying I have a great 6 game selection to chose from right now, and below I have them ranked in order of preference:

  1. Ultimate Apocalypse 1.73.4 for Dawn of War: Soulstorm (UA)

  2. Edain 3.8.1 for Battle for Middle Earth II: Rise of the Witch-King (BfME2)

  3. Total Mayhem 1.2 for Supreme Commander: Forged Alliance

  4. Improvement Mod for Age of Empires III: The Asian Dynasties

  5. Units Compilation Pack for Total Annihilation

  6. Age of Empires II HD: The Forgotten

I’m in the top 3 pretty much exclusively right now. Mostly the top 2. I have been hungering for a decent gameplay experience. I also like Battle for Middle Earth II (BfME2), because I can still drink coffee and play. I never use the alt-key for waypointing in BfME2. Never use it, never found a need other than in great emergencies. It’s half-useful, because there’s no way to waypoint a build command, and virtually no need to do so. It’s fast enough to be played without a waypointing system, because units are easily selectable across the map, and given large-scale orders as this game is combat driven. It stands alone.

So, back to the meat of the topic at hand here. A pattern is a good thing, until it’s not. I have been spending some time getting ready for Jacqueline’s visit, and playing some UA. I have left the Victory Condition: Assassinate enabled, because this is how I’m going to start teaching the genre to her. It’s going to break down into a lesson-plan, which I will detail below the anecdotal area here in this article.

Anyway, With assassinate enabled, I’ve had shorter games. Overall, about the same competitive nature, but with a little less dilly-dallying and kiting. They just attack, full boar, or they fail and retreat for long periods of time. The commander is a no show until the twilight of the game. At which point his surfacing has no impact and is the last thing to happen before the AI is defeated. Boo to that.

I put the AI on random, you know, to keep it real. Sometimes I go LONG stretches without being dealt a certain civilization to face. In this case, I had gone several dozen full games against the random AI with victory condition: assassinate, and never once faced the Space Marines army. Never once. And when I did, something UNREAL happened; they defied the convention and LEAD WITH THEIR COMMANDER. I found him wandering out in the open, firing on my early capping squads, without support units backing him up and probably not far along the road to upgrade-ville. But her was out there, and I was having to deal with him, which is like… woah, what the fuck is this? What are they doing?

Sadly, my skeptical side was proven correct here as the SM commander ate it on my first real offensive push into their ground. He ran into my “secondary commander” battlesuit squad unit and was toast. 3 against 1.

So that game ended oddly. And early, like 8 minutes or some garbage. It was not my intent to end the game, but the AI was just whipping it out there, la dee da. Something had to be done. We don’t stand for that kind of behavior.

As far as a lesson plan goes, I am using UA as the platform game, because the universe can be disregarded entirely, leaving you with a core-game that has features and methods of gameplay that can be taught and consistently applied across races, leaving plenty of room for individual expansion on the stylistic front. To me, the teaching is only about HOW to do the first few steps to get you to a position to make bigger, more exciting decisions. Like: where are these battalions going to go? Or, what are my point defenses firing at? Consistency is being able to get to the place of fun, action and deciding shit, BY having a sound foundation. I build quickly, concisely and make sure to strengthen my economy constantly, as it provides the backbone to my flexibility of choice. There are only a few fundamentals that need to be taught:

      1. Alacrity. Make decisions about what to do and don’t waste time doing them. Time is the final opponent.

      2. Balance. Achieve equilibrium of resource gain and protective growth. Your survival is dependent on how you spend the resources you acquire.

      3. Cunning. To be fast in reacting to what is played against you, and ability to react to a unique environment.

If you can handle doing that, you should be fine. More than fine is, in this genre, developing a “method to the madness.” You’re ultimate goal is to decide how you’d like to impart doom on your foe. With flair? From over there?

I prefer range, but that’s just my cup of tea. You may decide everything tastes better when you set it on fire. Who am I to judge.

For the time being, I continue my diligent research into the twisted behavior of the pattern-breaking AI and have yet to fully determine if I’ve narrowed the anomaly to just SM, or if others may be affected as well. Time being the culprit of my truth. Put that in your peace-pipe and smoke it.

Hours

by in Creative Writing, Mental Illness, Status Updates and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m awake today at some awful hour of night like 1. GOOD MORNING SPANKY.

I’ll keep it short, as I have very little brain-power right now. Point is, I’m doing splendidly. I can’t ask for better from my parents, who have been both patient and firm. They recognize my situation and know what I can and can’t control. When they see me doing my best with what I can, I know it makes them reassured. Because one day soon this temporary living situation will be of no use. And someday soon I’ll be back employed, healthy and happy in my life. Much the way It would have been, if I hadn’t become acutely mentally ill. I still want to work with people, and computers, and as evidenced by my last gig with Eco Mechanical (Misty’s company), I have a reputation as a good technician preceding my efforts.

That’s all packed in there. I’m not worried about losing confidence now. I KNOW I’m on the right path, and walking it. I’ve made some marked changes to my life, I’ve introduced new friends to the equation, I’ve expanded my bubble. I’m wholly proud and thankful for that.

So, on the 6th, I go in for my DoR appointment (they had to reschedule last week), which I am excited about. I know if participation leads to more energy directed at a job search, I’m in great shape. I am an active participant in groups and would welcome the chance to shine here for MHS. I feel like this is going to turn a new page over in the book of ME and reveal something wonderful and new about myself as I look.

 

WELL. Wasn’t that whole blurb just positive and exciting. I’m glad that now, when I let my thoughts “rest” the idle stuff is not self-depreciating, but has instead been replaced with factual reality-checks and flattery. A good trade, IMHO.

 

For now, that has to be it. I’m up for the day, my busiest day, and I feel like a nap is probably somewhere on the docket.