Right Down The Line – Gerry Rafferty

You know I need your love,
You got that hold over me.
Long as I got your love,
You know that I’ll never leave.
When I wanted you to share my life,
I had no doubt in my mind–
And it’s been you,
Right down the line.

I know how much I lean on you,
Only you can see.
Changes that I’ve been through,
Have left their mark on me.
You’ve been as constant as a northern star,
The brightest light that shines–
It’s been you,
Right down the line.

I just wanna say this is my way–
Of telling you everything I could never,
Say before.
Yeah, this is my way–
Of telling you that every day I’m loving you,
So much more.

‘Cause you believed in me,
Through my darkest night.
Put something better inside of me,
You brought me into the light.
Threw away all those crazy dreams,
I put them all behind–
And it was you,
Right down the line
I just wanna say this is my way–
Of telling you everything I could never,
Say before.
Yeah, this is my way–
Of telling you that every day I’m loving you,
So much more

If I should doubt myself,
If I’m losing ground.
I won’t turn to someone else,
They’d only let me down.
When I wanted you to share my life,
I had no doubt in my mind–
And it’s been you,
Right down the line.

Deleted Myself

I’m off OKCupid, because it’s not the right tool for making new friends that I had anticipated it being. Recently, I met someone who I was having a great time talking to. But she got wise to my dysfunction, I guess, and basically told me there would never be anything deep between us, ever. That was tough, because I’m not a deplorable guy. I certainly have my flaws, but it’s part and parcel with the territory of my mental health. For most human beings I meet, this is an insurmountable obstacle to getting to know me. I think you all just want to be normal friends with normal people. Good for you. I’m not so fortunate that I get to decide willy-nilly what social connections to keep and which to forget.

I am bound to a solemn truth about who I am, and the maximum of what I can be. I have fun getting to know people, and I can bring a lot of enthusiasm to a new relationship. None of this makes a difference to you.

I just wanted to make new friends; to get to know someone other than myself, and have things in common with another being that we enjoy discussing. All out of my reach, it seems. It’s easy to be “too good” for me, because I’m not perfect, and not pretending to be. I could get farther by lying, concealing… but I don’t because I can’t abide lies within myself. I could trick you into liking me, and you would. But If I tell you the truth, you’ll eject from this arrangement and never come back… like they always do.

I’m not optimistic about my future as a social being. It seems bleak, and already doomed to being alone. Now that I have framed it all negatively, I still have to be here in my life, dealing with these truths. Cold hard facts of my limited reality.

I’m not going to throw any relationships out. They are precious to me, in whatever capacity they fill. I never just say “fuck you” to people and leave it at that. Everyone deserves a chance. I will give you that chance, just try not to hurt me with it.

I’ve loved people in this life. I can say that I have, and that it is truly a fantastic, uplifting and energizing thing. I know that love is really complicated, with lots of energy needed to sustain it. It’s just not a thing I can handle now, possibly at all. I’ve tried 3 times to love someone and be with that person, and been thrown out by all 3. I should probably take a hint, and stop trying. So be it.

Scolding The Infadel

My life is pretty boring right now. With the potential for abrupt change waiting in the wings. It’s no way to go on functioning, I’ll have you know. Time is a tiger sinking it’s fangs into me.

I don’t really have to explain anything at this point. I’m not in denial over my lot. I’m taking myself and my illness seriously, and not just brushing it off like it was no big deal. That’s not my way. I’m prone to complain if things get bad. I’m going to let you know if something bothers me. I just prefer to be straight, rather than having to remember all the lies I told.

I guess I’m still grieving. It’s only been a couple months, and sometimes I simply burn with loneliness. There’s not much that can be done about that. I’m the guy who got used and discarded like so many candy wrappers. I’m not saying I wasn’t to blame, because I certainly helped get myself thrown out as junk.

I gamble big on people. And I lose, because most people out there are fucking idiots. I give my ex wife a lot more credit than she deserves sometimes. I hope you realize I do this because sometimes I hate myself more than what she did to me.

I just don’t get it.

But hey, I’m out here still alive despite my efforts. And I intend to stay that way and be more involved in the world than I have been before. These are acceptable goals.

I’m getting away from my mindfulness. Which has only helped me become a better negotiator with my thoughts. I guess I should really try and reiterate some of the things we’re learning about, as they have direct practical applications in my life.

I need this self-talk. It helps me make sense of my feelings. I get to experience them, and have them gain the recognition they so desperately seek.

I must confess to reading Jax’s blog. I shouldn’t have, because I find myself angered at her, again. This time, it was because leaving me was to be all about her “doing it by myself” and not needing anyone else to carry her. So she goes and gets attached to a new boyfriend. I mean, right? Who didn’t see that coming? I guess I’m not surprised. She’s transparent and shallow, as most non intellectuals are. She doesn’t even see the hypocrisy of her own belligerent actions. Not my concern much anymore. And I’d rather have my prevailing beliefs about Jax disputed, not confirmed. I hope the best for her, I really do. But I can’t really care that she’s doing the exact opposite of what she said she wanted when she left me.

Life moves on. Pain or no pain. Beard or no beard. We go, boldly.


Ultimate Apocalypse Build Order (Tau Empire)

I have been hammering out a build order in order to have competitive matches against the computer. I have now set the AI on Harder, and have begun really hunkering down on a tight sequence in order to do well. So, without further delay, the build order, such as it is:


Phase 1: Required Steps (0:00 through 2:30)

Builder set to automatically reenforce, builds 1x barracks (choose melee or ranged), 2x power generator

HQ set to build 2x squads of Stealthsuits, 1x additional builder


1st squad of Stealthsuits: Cap left half of map

2nd squad of Stealthsuits: Cap right half of map

1st additional builder: Wait for first strategic point capture, and build listening post, then second

Once 1st builder is done, build Path to Enlightenment (Tier I)



Phase 2: Choose A Path (2:30 – 4:00)

Once T1 is done being built, go the the HQ and recruit the Heavy Builder

At this point, you should run into opposition while attempting to cap points on the edges of your control. You may lose one or both squads of Stealthsuits. Whatever happens here is fine.

You should have 5 or more strategic points / relics capped and listening posts built on each

Build the Kroot Alphas, and reenforce them (feed your Stealthsuits to them if they are still alive)


Task all but 1 builder to build the geothermal/slag pit power generator. If you don’t have one on your map, build 2x additional power generators (for a total of 4)

Build either a vehicle / aircraft beacon.


Be prepared to crank out a few Vespids if the need arises.

At this juncture, you are being attacked, and the build order gets murky. I highly recommend going tier 2 with melee, as it’s cheaper, and getting 2-4 squads of Kroot Hounds out on the board. With the Path To Enlightenment upgrades to HP and attack power, they are really hard to stop. They reenforce up to 8 hounds and 1 alpha, and do nearly 300 damage per attack.



I’ve won 2 in a row with ease against the HR computer. Typically what happens is my Stealthsuits run into opposition, and die fast, below the 4-6 threshold for capped points. So, the Alphas come in handy, because they can cap and hold ground AND beat on things hand-to-hand. Which I like. By the time I get into Phase 2, I have at least the Alphas out there eating anything they can find in the middle of the board. I’ve had them die to Tyranids in the early stages, but then again, I had also neglected to build a ranged commander to have the Alphas benefit from the communal power / toughness upgrades.

-Early commander Kroot Alphas
-Build 2x Vespids for cannon fodder, backup the Alphas
-Get some Barracudas or Skyrays out before more infantry (though you may have to spend more time MMing the Skyrays for them to be useful)
-Build 2x Kroot Hounds, set Krootox to autobuild, keep building a vehicle of some form as well
-Build / upgrade at least the ranged commander, so the other melee commanders will share the benefits.

These two games have had at least those things in common. I’ve noticed that Tau’s once upgraded melee infantry is fairly formidable. I can take down large tier 3 bases with 2 – 3 squads of Hounds and a Krootox or two to help out. The Alphas are still pretty weak, even after you fully upgrade them. So use them wisely. They make mincemeat of buildings and infantry but have difficulty with vehicles, which is why the Krootox are handy to have around.


I hope this abbreviated BO will help you with your faction, because the same basic principles can be applied to any single / double / triple resource army. I will be applying and modifying this original skeleton sequence and I’ll report any major developments, of course. Be well. Gladiators, I salute you.

step6 step7


Whistling thicket,
Yellow with sun,
Bound in days–
Numbered nights,
Heat to dry–
Pale shivers of air,
Spill their hot secret,
In honeycomb songs.
Driven bright–
Amidst towers to heaven,
Who’s tops brace the sky.
Peeling back rinds–
The acrid snap of time.
Twilight lies no more.
A blanket of darkness.
A cold crept up on toes,
Among sagas prevailed,
Hopes for the best,
While wearing a jacket.


I had to do a blood test for the clinic on Wednesday, and Maria really fucked up my arm. She missed the vein and dealt me some unusual electric agony as she dug around for blood. I managed to painfully fill one vial, and about 1/10 the second one. By the end of this I was not really aware of the damage done. It’s since become delicate, dealing swift shocks of pain if moved to extension. I’ve had pain liker this, when I nearly severed my left pointer. The pain was sharp, bad, and deep.


So, i typed this whole post with my left hand. Brevity only because of circumstance.