I cry every time I hear “Man’s Road.” No fucking joke.
It’s just SO FUCKING SAD I mean how can you not cry? You’re a HEARTLESS CRUEL BABY SEAL SMASHER if you disagree.
I was thinking this day would come, but I wondered greatly about when it would be. Today was the third strike on my attempts to get together with my ex and fill out the last paperwork for our divorce. Mostly my fault that it broke down, but we’re still getting things done via snail mail instead of meeting. Then this thought popped into my head: you are never going to see her again.
It’s true. What reason other than to divorce her would I then have reason to see her? So, that was it, that last time she made me wait for an hour at the Starbucks in La Mesa because she was running late. It was anticlimactic. I wanted out the moment she walked in. This whole thing being “over” is helping me a lot, because now I’m not stuck in a place of stagnation. I’m not in an environment that will settle, but instead, strives and pushes with constant motivational drive. I feel myself becoming stronger, and I like that, especially knowing I’m doing it by myself, for myself.
But right, not ever going to see her again. That’s a strange thought, considering I brought her here with the intent to build a life with her. Instead, she’s off on her own doing whatever with her existence. Independent from my concern or occupation. I’ve grown beyond a need to find out what she’s thinking, and are now focused on what I’m thinking, when, and why. I’m a much bigger deal then Jax, in my mind, so I’m going to give my attention to the more deserving party. That’s an interesting revelation: The attention I give to Jax sustains a lot of negative feelings, so being disconnected from it is a revolution of new resources to be spent on myself, and not her.
It’s really freeing, to be the observer. To hesitate before action, and contradict instinctual impulses. Middle-mind.
I’m clearly learning some new things here with all the classes and counseling I’ve been through. It continues to add value to my world.
Never going to see her again. It’s haunting me, like there’s something wrong with the fact that she’s out of my life. Well, duh.
The best part about this WHOLE THING is that I’m learning something new. I can’t tell you enough how I appreciate the ability to garner something of use from every murkatroid situation that my life is subjected to. Whether it’s through my direct action or not, I’ve fouled up any number of things that will require me to LEARN, with hopes of not repeating said miscues.
A little scatterbrained today. But all is right and good. It’s another day, another way to prove my worth to me.