Introspection (Check-In)

When I wake up, it is to the outside air. Every morning, I roll out of my futon which is enclosed in a tent-structure which attaches itself to my parent’s RV awning. It’s like living outside, because IT IS LIVING, OUTSIDE.  I get up and make a fresh pot of coffee and sit down at my computer. Lately, I’ve been reading a few blogs, or articles on Google science’s page. I have to admit I look at Jax’s blog, mostly because she promised “a post a day” on the 2nd. Albeit, she hasn’t followed through, I still check in in case there is a gasp of life or new content for me to process. I do this  “check-in” infrequently, but still do it, because I’d rather be deaf than blind. And she promised new content… damnit…

Afterwards, I will take some time and see if I have a blog post in my head somewhere. Sometimes I do, sometimes not. After about 9:30 or so, things get moving. Of late, I have had obligations to 2 new groups (Life Skills and NAMI Peer Support), weekly therapy, biweekly psychiatry visits, friends to hang with and fishing / walking around staring at a lake. These are CLEARLY not sufficient to sustaining life, but will do just fine for the time being. On a good day, when I have things going on, I’m busy from morning until mid-afternoon. This is huge, because it’s the downtime that’s killing me. I feel so utterly useless sometimes, like I’m waist deep in the mud and sinking slowly. I strive for full / part-time employment so my time is spent making money, not evaporating into the air of wasted moments.

During the day, I try to take time to practice my mindfulness skills I’m learning about. I’m trying to just OBSERVE myself, or moments in which my emotions are in flux. I breathe, in and out, slowly, and FEEL the air passing through me, slowly, slowly. It’s both relaxing, and good practice for settling my mind. I have a lot of ADD symptoms now, since I’ve abandoned treatment of this portion of my disorder. It’s too risky to treat, frankly.

While going through my day, I do the best I can at my tasks and responsibilities. I try hard. Which is a reward in and of itself. My life requires a certain sense of vigilance.

In the evening, I smoke with my Dad and we usually watch a movie over dinner. Bed time is around 8:30 – 10:00. It varies, depending on how long I hang around not being tired enough to sleep. I play little games on my iPhone. Sleep takes me to a dreamless land of solace, peace, quiet and rest. So often my nights are haunted by vivid dreams, but since regular smoking, that has faded. Marijuana takes the dreams away for some reason, and provides me with precious undisturbed tranquility.

 

As you can see, I’m trying to let my actions do the talking for me. I’m looking forward to having yet another increase in my responsibility level when DoR approves me and I can go to MHS and get employment help. I want to get back in the fold. I want to be active, independent and adult. I’m working hard to meet those goals, slowly, at the speed that best ensures success and relinquishes me of the burden of struggling alone. I am doing so well, getting so much stronger, every day, and I’m very glad for that.

 

I hope YOU can see the change. I can. My writing has become deeper, my words less about trivial circumstance and more about the work that goes in to building a life. That’s my ultimate objective: restoration. Be a part of it by reading!

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