I’m writing to you from a dark and unfriendly place. Where my emotions are overwhelming me and I can’t think straight about anything. Through the tears, I compose these words in acknowledgement of be being so low. You see, I’ve squandered friendships because of my oddities, my parameters and my limitations. I’m in the shadow of my regret and my feelings of genuine remorse for any pain I’ve caused. I can’t be the guy. I never wanted to be the guy, but somehow I feel like there was more to this than the first level appreciation of the physical. I cried, a lot, because I know I was getting too attached and involved. I made the mistake of getting in over my head, and I need a way back to higher ground.
This being largely my point, grief aside: the work of self reconstruction is still just getting underway and can’t handle the burden of an involved relationship of any kind. It’s too much for me to be responsible for, and I don’t want the mantle handed to me. I can’t do it. Or, I’m not ready to yet, give me a few months and see where I’m at then! I need to establish myself again in the world. I’m just so scared inside about disappointing people I care about. I don’t want to let the people who have been there for me down. I can’t let that happen. So as the tears from a deep undisclosed fear start to burn in my eyes, I’m reminded that Rome wasn’t built in a day. In other words, settle down turbo.
But Who am I? I have an identity out here through the various ways I try to express myself on this blog. Sometimes to excess. But It’s not my fault you tuned in to listen to wacko-radio.
I’m trying to stay positive. Everything is on hold today because it’s memorial day. I was expecting some mail but I guess it’ll have to wait.
My main problem is that sadness is just really accessible right now, so it’s hard to not be distracted by something and forced to write about the sensations. My sadness is both real and imaginary. Real because I’m truly humbled by the generosity shown me by my parents, and fearful of letting them down somehow. I know they have my back, but they want to see me succeed at life, just as I do. So we can all be happy with measurable goals being met and surpassed. I’m giving myself a hard time. I have to right my own ship before I can take on any passengers. And so it goes.
I just need to listen to some music and lose my head a bit in another land. Right now my body burns with sadness. I must be free of it. Music, energy of song, singing are all therapeutic. So here we go.