I was happiest with Jax, I think. There was way more sex with Jennifer, but we always seemed to be on different frequencies. It was like, I only understood her sometimes. With Jax things were free, liberal, possible. I felt that with love as my guide, I’d make some serious headway against mental illness. It’s not fair to put that on a relationship. It’s my battle, and mine alone. Ultimately, I still have to go out there and function and prove it to myself. I want to be a part of the scene, open again. I want to be a part of a world that is only a few short steps away.
But I was happiest loving her. I loved her like she was a rare gem I found deep in the soot. I coveted her, to the point of trying to control outcomes, which is no bueno. I felt impending doom with Emelia. For whatever reason, I just knew we were doomed. I never felt that way with Jax. I figured she would just be there with me regardless of circumstance. I wanted that to be true, because I would have been there for her until the bitter fucking end. But that love was cut off by a permanent disconnect. Once those fuel cells are closed you can’t reopen them.
I write out of a prolonged ache. I want for a better life, I’m so driven for it that I’m driving myself crazy with enthusiasm for the next step.
I want patiently to be enrolled in the Department of Rehabilitation’s program so I can go to MHS and get help finding a job. Or better yet, if this NAMI tech support thing pans out, I’d be enthusiastic to be a part of that. I just wish something would happen, because the suspense is quite literally painful.
I am quitting coffee, I’ve decided. I’m gonna ween myself off it as the days go on. Yesterday was a zero coffee day, 2 cups this morning, nothing tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes.
I am haunted by old sadness that doesn’t belong in my life right now. Guilt over a past said and done. I wish I could lift my eyes up to the sky and take hold of my dreams. I just need a little help here and there, but I think I’m doing it. I certainly hope I’m doing it.
I just want you to know that It’s a struggle, every day, to tolerate these unbelievably massive feelings of sadness and emotional pain. That some days you just suffer more than others. It’s neurochemical. It’s not because I did something wrong, it’s because my brain is sending the feel sad signal for no good reason. I just have to swallow it hard and keep moving forward. I have objectives in my life. Things I want to do, places I want to go. I can’t let momentary waves of fear and pain overtake my drive for progress.
Adieu blogosphere. Keep your eyes aimed high. You never know what’s coming up next.