Deleted Myself

I’m off OKCupid, because it’s not the right tool for making new friends that I had anticipated it being. Recently, I met someone who I was having a great time talking to. But she got wise to my dysfunction, I guess, and basically told me there would never be anything deep between us, ever. That was tough, because I’m not a deplorable guy. I certainly have my flaws, but it’s part and parcel with the territory of my mental health. For most human beings I meet, this is an insurmountable obstacle to getting to know me. I think you all just want to be normal friends with normal people. Good for you. I’m not so fortunate that I get to decide willy-nilly what social connections to keep and which to forget.

I am bound to a solemn truth about who I am, and the maximum of what I can be. I have fun getting to know people, and I can bring a lot of enthusiasm to a new relationship. None of this makes a difference to you.

I just wanted to make new friends; to get to know someone other than myself, and have things in common with another being that we enjoy discussing. All out of my reach, it seems. It’s easy to be “too good” for me, because I’m not perfect, and not pretending to be. I could get farther by lying, concealing… but I don’t because I can’t abide lies within myself. I could trick you into liking me, and you would. But If I tell you the truth, you’ll eject from this arrangement and never come back… like they always do.

I’m not optimistic about my future as a social being. It seems bleak, and already doomed to being alone. Now that I have framed it all negatively, I still have to be here in my life, dealing with these truths. Cold hard facts of my limited reality.

I’m not going to throw any relationships out. They are precious to me, in whatever capacity they fill. I never just say “fuck you” to people and leave it at that. Everyone deserves a chance. I will give you that chance, just try not to hurt me with it.

I’ve loved people in this life. I can say that I have, and that it is truly a fantastic, uplifting and energizing thing. I know that love is really complicated, with lots of energy needed to sustain it. It’s just not a thing I can handle now, possibly at all. I’ve tried 3 times to love someone and be with that person, and been thrown out by all 3. I should probably take a hint, and stop trying. So be it.

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