My life is pretty boring right now. With the potential for abrupt change waiting in the wings. It’s no way to go on functioning, I’ll have you know. Time is a tiger sinking it’s fangs into me.
I don’t really have to explain anything at this point. I’m not in denial over my lot. I’m taking myself and my illness seriously, and not just brushing it off like it was no big deal. That’s not my way. I’m prone to complain if things get bad. I’m going to let you know if something bothers me. I just prefer to be straight, rather than having to remember all the lies I told.
I guess I’m still grieving. It’s only been a couple months, and sometimes I simply burn with loneliness. There’s not much that can be done about that. I’m the guy who got used and discarded like so many candy wrappers. I’m not saying I wasn’t to blame, because I certainly helped get myself thrown out as junk.
I gamble big on people. And I lose, because most people out there are fucking idiots. I give my ex wife a lot more credit than she deserves sometimes. I hope you realize I do this because sometimes I hate myself more than what she did to me.
I just don’t get it.
But hey, I’m out here still alive despite my efforts. And I intend to stay that way and be more involved in the world than I have been before. These are acceptable goals.
I’m getting away from my mindfulness. Which has only helped me become a better negotiator with my thoughts. I guess I should really try and reiterate some of the things we’re learning about, as they have direct practical applications in my life.
I need this self-talk. It helps me make sense of my feelings. I get to experience them, and have them gain the recognition they so desperately seek.
I must confess to reading Jax’s blog. I shouldn’t have, because I find myself angered at her, again. This time, it was because leaving me was to be all about her “doing it by myself” and not needing anyone else to carry her. So she goes and gets attached to a new boyfriend. I mean, right? Who didn’t see that coming? I guess I’m not surprised. She’s transparent and shallow, as most non intellectuals are. She doesn’t even see the hypocrisy of her own belligerent actions. Not my concern much anymore. And I’d rather have my prevailing beliefs about Jax disputed, not confirmed. I hope the best for her, I really do. But I can’t really care that she’s doing the exact opposite of what she said she wanted when she left me.
Life moves on. Pain or no pain. Beard or no beard. We go, boldly.
Classic video – nice linkup :)