I’m tweaked somehow. My alignment is now a bit off. And I don’t at all approve of the change. To my aggravation, this harmless gesture of resting my arm on a table is clearly a punishable crime. Heaven forbid I should slump awkwardly.

So besides that, tomorrow is a social day at work. We are all going to be social with our new coworkers and mingle. I guess. Frankly I’d rather be shadowing trained employees. I go there to work, and it feels weird having to monkey around that’s an order BOOT.

The tone of that whole thing just then was oppressive. My boss admitted to taking medications for depression, and another new hire takes a mood stabilizer. Their words, not my spin. So, am I thinking of letting my guard down? Fuck no.

I’m an intelligent and ambitious foe. I will strive to learn a thing until I am sure I have learned it really good. And then I can be confident in my actions and let this suave motherfucker take over. People love me. It’s a fact. On the phone, I must sound really good or something but people like talking with me. Studies have shown.

But enough noise from my own horn. How about that beautiful blue California sky? Every day, I’m amazed at how teeny tiny we are, and how much gas is trapped around our particularly dense planet. It’s all piled up for me to stare at, every day. You know, it’s not magic that keeps the atmosphere here… It’s being HELD here, and it wants desperately to escape, but it can’t, because the Earth has an extra big iron core that makes it more dense, and through which, gravity holds our air here. In reality, just outside that friendly blue sky is the unforgiving vacuum of space. It’s pulling too, baffled that the Earth can pull harder. Just behind the sky, the whole universe is watching.

Taking In The Good

I’ve learned something: it’s hard to afford ourselves the precious moments of satisfaction that come as the result of a triumph. Whether is be through association of direct connection, a compliment has a way of being disregarded or viewed as less because we somehow feel that we don’t deserve to hear the good. In that sense, it’s largely about criticism, which is a poor way to be constantly motivated. I find that observing a compliment is the best way to appreciate and remember it fully, as it was intended. We put so much interpretation on words, we weigh them and spin them depending on who they come from or what we think the reasons are behind it. We’re skeptical of niceness, because fake niceness is all too common, and genuine care is rather hard to come by. I propose we take a little time to observe nice things, when they do flutter into our lives, and be with them for as long as possible or practical. Taking in the good is only about remembering the good things that actually do happen, not making any up to fill a void or whatever. They are principles of observation, and enlighten one to the fleeting nature of good things, and the permanent nature of bad things (and how we hang on to them differently than we do positive feelings).

I think we could all use some practice doing this,because I’m rotten at it from the start. I tend to disregard compliments and ignore them outright, and this is unfair to the person giving me the compliment. I should respect their words and give them the attention they deserve. It’s only fair, right?

So, that’s my kernel of wisdom for the day. Not my personal ideas, but stuff I learned on this mental health journey.


I live in an earthquake zone, bordering the southern portion of the San Andreas fault at a distance of roughly 150 miles. My portion of the Pacific “Ring of Fire” has been disturbingly quiet for the last 300+ years. Basically, ever since major civilized development of this area, there has been an increased demand for water (a somewhat scarce resource when living in a desert). They’ve been diverting Sierra Nevada run-off through the Owens Valley for decades, and they had to, because the aquifers are all dried up.

Right now, big news around the US is that Oklahoma has had thousands of 3.0 earthquakes this year, largely because of the byproduct of natural gas extraction deep beneath the earth’s surface. They somehow get gas out of rock by injecting water in there, way down underneath the surface. This, in turn, lubricates otherwise dormant faults in the deep continental portion of the North American plate, and: boom, earthquakes. So they’ve been literally rocked by quakes this year because of natural gas “fracking.”

No water means, no earthquakes. Right?

But the pacific plate is constantly moving. It’s pushing northwest all the time, subducting under the Aleutian Islands and East Asia, and sliding by the bump on the North American plate. A feat which has been made more difficult by a total lack of groundwater to lubricate the fault system. So tension is just, building. A little bit more every day… but constantly pressing, grinding, crushing. We still have earthquakes, but tiny ones, and lots of them, all along the fault zone. But nothing big that would account for all the accumulated tension.

What’s going to happen? To hell if I know. I’m not an earthquake expert… I just know what they know… the processes that are actually happening underground are somewhat fact. We know the plate is moving, we know the “bump” in the plate boundary right at the Garibaldi fault is creating a lot of friction and preventing easy movement across the length of the terminator, and that it hasn’t moved enough to release the tension in over 300 years.

Easter Sunday 2010, a 7.2 occurred near the plate boundary, but well south of the border and had very little implications. I was actually VISITING San Diego that very weekend from northern California, and I happened to be in Descanso, a good 100 miles from the epicenter, and BOY did we still get some serious shaking. Cars were moving side to side, people hunkered down and running out of their homes. Crazy shit. That was the largest quake I had ever been involved in…  and we haven’t had a measurable earthquake since.

Bum, bum… BUM!

The Letter I Wrote

I wrote a letter to Jax a while back, because I felt the need to be personally responsible for the things I did to cause that relationship to fall apart. Now, that’s not saying: “I’m the one who ruined everything, blame me.” There is none of that here, just a need for me to own what I KNOW I DID. I wrote a lengthy email explaining my reasons for my participation in the downfall, and I found the letter to be wholly unobtrusive and non hostile. As it was intended to be.

I honestly was expecting the email to go unanswered, but Jax had a nice reply for me, detailing that she understood my letter and felt the same way, for her own reasons. Progress? I mean, yeah! So that’s a good thing, despite all the potential for it to be a bad thing. And what the hell was I expecting anyway? As I recall, I wrote the letter with the hopes of not having to calculate for a reply, but whatever. It was good to finally talk with her, and have it not be a yelling match or argument or something. I’ve had to unlearn a lot of what I had taken in after 13 months of together. Something that goes on for that long leaves an indelible mark on a person, one that aches over time but doesn’t burn as it used to. I can’t say the white-hot anger of betrayal is long gone, leaving now only the groan of loneliness. Still, this letter was a good thing.

It was a nice change to wake-up to today, at any rate. Reminded me of better times that had been. On a more recent note, I’ve procured myself some family computer work, with a distant cousin of mine. Oddly enough, this comes from the side of the family that rents out the beach house that the Bailey family used a year ago to have a big reunion party. Definitely someone we Baileys want to keep a friendly relationship with. More work!?! Good heavens, what am I going to do with myself and this harebrained busy schedule!?!

Good news is that I’m on pace to make nearly 1,800 dollars a month in this temporary assignment, and who knows what will happen if I actually get on board full-time. With that kind of single-revenue, I can easily afford a place to live and have enough left over to save some every month. And with a chunk already sitting in the bank, it’s looking more and more like I will be on my own well before my birthday rolls around. I’m pretty excited about this whole opportunity.

I just worry sometimes. I worry needlessly about things I can’t control or have no real investment in affecting. I fret every so often, but this is somewhat expected given all the tumult. I cross my fingers and hope that nothing detrimental happens to those I am aware of. Even though I don’t love Jax anymore, I still deeply care about her well-being; I still hope that she is ok and striving. The decisions we make in the heat of emotions are often times poor long-term choices, and present us with short-term fixes (which end), and inevitably, wear off… and the truth is all that remains. Logic is only masked by emotion, not stricken from existence by it. My concern is an articulate feeling, which has a fundamental right to BE and BE HEARD. As all feelings do. I must find the means to observe my states and reflect on my emotions, not jump on the action-train and go for a ride.

In the end, I’m glad I wrote the letter. Now we don’t have to hate each other anymore.


The Silence

With cutting edges,
Distance parting a–
Crucible of blades.
Trying for mercy,
Quiet are the cries.
Tumult building,
A new hatred burns,
Unquenchable in deeps.
Rocking back on promises,
Through will and wait,
The fire of time.
Tolls the final bell–
Calling on shrouding night,
As the candle blows out.
To each bitter end,
The unrequited word,
Fall into the nothing–
Of unheard sorrow.

5 am

I get up at five, but I actually don’t start moving until after 5:30. Usually. It’s really early to be waking up and going for a long walk, but I really need to train myself to do this. It’s vital to my health that I get some form of cardiovascular aerobics. I have been unsuccessful this week in motivating myself to walk. I was SO unbelievably tired this morning, and the morning before that I fell asleep holding my phone after I turned the alarm off. Sad.

I’m hoping that getting myself into a rhythm of working out and then getting ready. I think this behavior can be trained. At least, I’m hoping. My full time job takes the bulk of my day and forces me to sit for most of it. There’s not much freedom to exercise here, and my lunch would not be long enough to get much walking in. I MUST be able to walk, first thing.

I am sad that doing that requires a huge sum of “first-thing-the-morning” energy that remains largely undiscovered.

Duty, Respect

I am a believer in showing other people the respect they earned. Like your boss, or a police officer. They did a lot to get where they are. Realizing this, you should probably dampen your initial reaction to be an ass. In my mind, you have my respect until you do something to lose it. Innocent until proven guilty. Most of my fellow classmates do not have my respect. They talk over our supervisor, they ask questions that prove they weren’t paying attention, they text under the tabletop, and they get up and leave the training whenever they want.

Personally, if I’m being paid to do something, I intend to do that thing really well. To the best of my abilities, anyway. And I give the job my respect and attention and diligence. Fully. This is an uncommon belief or work ethic, I’m learning. What most people are ok with doing, I find appalling.

So I’m on a bit of an island here. Doing my best on my own to stand out amongst the rabble. Trying extra hard to distinguish my actions and personality from the soup of unintelligible discourse that plays out in that conference room. I’m wondering now if it’s clear that I’m quite pleased with myself, and gain a great deal of satisfaction from the work I do. So I am noticeably happier than I was last week. Definitely more busy, but that has only helped me achieve stability.

I’m thinking a lot about my future. My family is more secure than it has ever been, in recent memory. My dad won his disability case, so they will be safe going forward with their lives. I’m going to settle into a new environment soon enough, and get back to an independent routine which is sure to help me maintain. All I’m trying to do is get level and grow into my life as best I can. I think that’s a healthy goal.

Beneath Tired

I’m wondering if we relish things we used to take for granted, when reminded. I remember having a belief that love was ironclad. That it could not be questioned because of its strength. But this was a flawed and useless way of thinking. I’d turn my attention to a most recent departure from my previous state. Change has taken place, change continues its work every new day. I’m inspired. And also driven to lead. Today I generated trivia questions for the class to answer. I typed out all my notes and sent them to my supervisor for review. I’m boldly going where no one else can. To the top. Because there is only one.

Projecting a bit into the foreseeable future: I imagine becoming part of a fully functional and highly dynamic team environment. I see how those guys just handle themselves. I’m going to have to go out there and listen to them sometime. See what they have to say. I’m going to be learning more and more each day. I feel exhausted in my mind at the end of a full eight hours of training. It seems to me that some of my fellow employees aren’t on the same page as I am. I can’t really relate to anyone there except my boss. Which is good and bad. He seems like a neat enough guy. I don’t know all that much about him, to be honest. I hope he has a favorite student and I hope it’s me.

I’m determined to live healthy. So I’m waking up at 5 am every morning so I can go walk around the park four times. I need the exercise and all I do all day is sit. But it’s HARD to motivate to do that though. Really. I’m so fucking groggy and out of it that it gets to be hard to perform the task. But drinking a ton of coffee and then exercise is not a great idea. Unless you like to barf.

All in all, I’m excelling. And for myself this time.

Ni Ni Song

I wish a tender place to sleep
To soak the sunlit hours deep
Into the cracking cave of night
Where hours vanish with delight
A warm embrace of embers’ glow
Hiding deep beneath the snow
Blanketed buried soft and neat
Do shadows on the canyons creep
A frail flag against the wind
So eyes to their duty rescind
Beneath the tumult of mashed up scenes
Chewed on slowly by my dreams
Tired lays the body down
To wed the throne of most renown
King in chambers home at last
You’ll never know the time has passed
For morning’s light when next you meet
Allow your mind to just intreat
A passing memory of darkness gone
The new sun rising to its song

No Loafing

I tried to do my 4 laps speed-walk around the park today… but at 5:30 am I was just sooooo tied still. I did 1 lap and came back to the spot and took a shower. I think that once I get used to this routine, I will have more energy reserves in the morning so I can get my full laps in and be a good steward of my physical health. I have a lot of weight to lose, and really no exercise time available in which to rapidly shed it. I have a schedule of eating well below the regular caloric-intake burn levels, so I’m burning more fuel than I put in my body… and with regular daily cardiovascular exercise, I can’t think of a better way to be looking out for myself, initially. I know I will be moving soon, and need to scope-out a new walking area for myself. Tierrasanta looks like a possible resting place, being an isolated bedroom community and not more than a 5 minute drive from the office. I think that once I have some assets saved, I’ll be able to strike out as an independent again.

For now though, I’ve got to get my show on the road. Here’s a toast to another brain-full day in learning land!


My First Day

Hello world. It’s the day I went to work and I feel brain tired. In a good way. I will, undoubtedly, learn a great deal in the course of my three weeks of training. I will be proficient in a series of new skills and gain a grand sum of novel things. I’m going to need a new notebook though, probably before the end of training. I’m going to run out of paper at the rate I’m going. Five pages today. This is a good day. I have a lot of wrinkly brain areas growing.

I’ve been watching the news and there have been three large earthquakes in the distant Aleutian Islands. 8.0, 6.0, 6.9 today so far. That’s kind of a big deal. No pacific tsunami warnings so far. I don’t think these are mega thrust quakes. They are back in the continental plate. But never a good sign. Frankly. Being a pacific dweller. Narg.

A Lot Of Words I Wrote

Back in October of 2012 I stared this blog, and the experiment of grappling with reality through it’s lens has gone forward ever since. Shortly after I began the independent experiment, I ruined it by falling in love with Birdy. And I spent the time well, I mean, who doesn’t like being in love with someone? Really?

I have a new opportunity to conduct this experiment as it should have been done, by myself, for myself, and with no expectation whatsoever. I can confess to being hopeful about my romantic prospects, but that hope is a much-farther-down-the-road kind of thing. I’m not thinking that I don’t have a chance, but I do want to be safe if I ever was to be in love again. Safe for my own self, and distinct from the other, so that my identity is not jeopardized by the relationship. I look back at where I was when I fell in love… very angry inside still, unsettled, and not willing to eject myself from suffering. I was still not on board with myself, and I leaned on love like a crutch to make up for how little I cared for myself. I don’t feel like that, now, I’m likely to repeat such a well documented mistake. I write about this very thing often, and continue to remind myself of real things that happened.

Today is my last day of down time freedom land. I will be off to work bright and early tomorrow, having some miles to go before the rush hour traffic pinches me. I can afford to be stuck for a short time, but not too long. I, clearly, want to make a good impression. I’m optimistic about that too! I have the optimism, and I has it good.

Be well friends, and I will try to keep my check-ins regular, but I can’t make promises. Just keep your fingers crossed on my behalf. I guess.

Last Weekend On Earth

As you are no doubt aware, I start 8 am Monday and I intend to be early, beating the I-8 to I-15 interchange traffic clog shortly after 7 am. Which means a new, punctual schedule of being up around 6 am or so to get my act together. Which I am ok with, considering my days already start around that time. I think it will not be a challenge to actually get there, but the long haul of working 5 days a week for consecutive weeks on end might be the hard part. It’s falling into bad patterns and repeating poor decisions that has me in a ruffle. I am trying something totally new here, I might remark. So the precedent for success has not been set, and in reality, there is no concrete achievable goal that I have my sights set on directly. I mean, getting employed… THAT was my goal, and here we are. Now I wander into the vast uncharted sea, like a New World Conquistador, preparing to infect with diseases and enslave whatever I come into contact with. Good work ethic? Methinks not.

At any rate, I’m going to be working hard, and I hope that I can still keep up with regular posts and check-ins here on the blog. I feel like this place has been a boon to me in my mental health journey, and I’ve received a ton of feedback and whatnot from a community of neat people who all seem to enjoy what I write. I have found that the more often I am able to write, the better of I end up after having dealt with whatever was on my mind. My mental health has improved dramatically as I have been able to process a great deal of pain and suffering here, live, and in as honest a fashion as I can manage. I’m glad for the support of such a diverse gathering of followers. You are all my peers in this wicked wild west of bipolar disorder, and you have been there with me through it all. I’ve been on a roller coaster for the last few years, and I’m hoping this is the part where the passengers get on and off the damn thing. I’m going to go find a shady place and take a nap.

I will be stable, ready and proud on Monday. I can hardly wait to show some new people how awesome and unique I am. I think I have a good sense of humor, and I’m quite well spoken. I even make up stuff sometimes just to get the point across in some atypical way. I brought the “A” to asymmetry. As it were.


Goodbye for now, and I hope you all have a good mental health journey as well. I know I’ll be able to strive and succeed in my new environment, and you can too. We can get better, together. I started at zero point in the hospital on new meds. No job, no apartment, no wife, nothing. It doesn’t get any lower than that. Honestly. So If I can do this whole trip back to independence, maybe I can help you do it too. Just leave me a comment. I’ll talk with you and give you understanding. We’ve all been here before, at the top, and at the bottom. Wherever you are on the spectrum of possibilities, I want you to know that this blog is always a place to say what you need to say, and be heard. That’s all it is for me, anyway…



Thanks Guys

I have a fond place in my heart for all those group members who came to the meetings and participated as best they could. I know my leaving is going to be a big blow to the energy level of the group. I am really sorry about all that, but you have to see that this is just part of my own personal mental health journey. Here, in my own private odyssey, I venture into new heights and sometimes scary circumstances. I find myself feeling nervous about work as well as excited. But maybe those two things are actually a mushy spot on the spectrum and the difference between them is blurred. I’m not apprehensive, but certainly trying my humble hat on for size. I intend to be docile, and take in as much information as I can. It’s really only at the point in which I have achieved confident mastery of the material that I will be satisfied enough to be free. Groups have been great for me, in helping me realize what I needed and how much I had to offer. I tend to give things a lot of energy, especially when they are important to me. My health has become that, and I have made it the focal point of my new adventure.

I got such warm congratulations and respectful praise from my group coordinator. The recovery connections was my longest group, maybe 6 weeks or more I went there. The Life Skills class was on week 6 as well. But I helped them while I could, and had to go my own way, as I am now strong enough to stand on my own. I can attest to that being somewhat scary, but real, and something I yearn for deeply. I had a good time and learned a lot from my groups, and I do hope they keep going strong without me.

Final Meeting

I’m about ready to go into my Recovery Connections group for the last time. It’s going to be hard to let go if a good resource, but considering the magnitude of change, being unfortunately necessary. I start work on Monday after one last weekend in recovery town. I have my dress slacks and button up shirts all ready to go. I am so very excited to be working again. It is quite a relief.

I hope you out there who have been following the three month saga of my recovery can see how far I have come. I got my act together and did something solid with my life. I ensured the future of my independence and pride. Whatever new things may come, I know I can be ready for new challenges and obstacles.

These posts are affirmations which help me solidify my thoughts into reality. I have done the work yet there is still much more to do. I have to say goodbye to the support structure that helped me, and welcome a new change. I must now be my own caregiver, ally and friend. I think I can do that.


I imagine writing your feelings is more difficult when you are inherently afraid of what they have to say. Most people would view an emotional reaction as a negative thing, relying on cool rationality to override the response. I think this works for most people, because they don’t really need to pay as much attention to their minds as I do. I have to be in here, all the time, looking around for clutter and dusting all the surfaces profusely. I’ve got my mental work cut out for me, but you, Normal Joe, don’t have a care in the world whether you stuff your reactions of just explode with emotions all at once. You live blind to the process, where I seek freedom from the enslavement you seem to enjoy. My world is a delicate thing, balanced precariously between destruction and madness. Somewhere in there, I manage to find stability and a sliver of hope begins to break through. More important than survival is pride. Pride in myself, my actions, my potential. I see good things happening for me, and it will be because I really worked hard to get here.

I wonder if we’re all just at different stages of the same journey; one in which we’re all seeking fulfillment from an empty world. I have found true peace in the act of mindfulness, and have been a shining example of how thoughts and emotions can coexist peacefully. One not overriding the other. I live in a harmony of sorts, because the balance is frail and often perturbed by sudden calamity. Of which I am pleased to say there has been none. I have been through the emotional washing machine over my guilt and regret about Jax. I am not intending to dwell on it more than I already have.

You reader: I wonder if you’ve really taken the time today to hear yourself, to understand what drives you, what pleases you and why? I wonder if you take the time to look inside your actions to the core of your motivations and impulses. Do you act on instinct, or logistical rationale? How big do your feelings get inside you? Do you ever get lost in there sometimes? I wonder if maybe we would all be better off if we took the time do recenter ourselves by finding solace in breathing, and let the mind enter a state of relaxed focus. I can do this now, and by doing this, I’ve learned how to implement this skill when new feelings arise. It works magnificently to acknowledge emotions as they happen, giving them priority attention, thus, resolving their need for gratification. I bet if we all paid more attention to feelings as they happen, we wouldn’t be so lost in the soup of heavy duty emotion-crisis later on down the line, when the containment unit breaks.

People are all just trying to live as reasonably as possible. I doubt the majority want to strive to the apex of society, if such a thing can be said. I bet we’re all just living from happy moment to happy moment, making due when things are not so. I want to be a part of the flow of life again, and I’m working to reintegrate myself into the system. I look forward to making my independent mark on things, however I can and in whatever capacity makes sense for me. I would wish nothing less for any of you. Mindfulness is key to my recent enlightenment, and I hope this blog is evidence of how beneficial that cognitive change has been for me. I’m proof that despite disaster, success is a combination of moments away.


I remember you. I always thought fondly of you. I wish I knew how to get a hold of you, maybe we’d have some cool shit to talk about. I’ll bet I’m right.

Sometimes people come and go. But I never forget anyone. If I had something special with you once, maybe there is more to it than that. Maybe I’ll call out with longing for something far from me.

I’m thinking maybe you’re out there somewhere. Living your life. It’s amazing the random shit that happens as a direct result of being alive.

For Tau!

After enough time conducting various experiments with my build order, I’ve gleaned a few important pointers as it pertains to playing Ultimate Apocalypse. First, there is no reason to pick a shitty map to have your war on. Pick a decent map, and I’ve done the legwork for you and given you a short list of the best dueling maps to play on in the game, bar none.

Emerald River          [513] (ER)
Faceoff                       [257] (Fo)
Fallen City                 [257] (FC)
Frostbite River         [257] (FbR)
Haine’s Demise [257] (HD)
Meeting of Minds    [257] (MoM)
Moonbase                 [257] (Mb)
Titan’s Fall                [257] (TF)
Volatile Ground       [257] (VG)

Use one of these maps, only. The other maps lack those nifty slag deposits (save Moonbase) and are generally not very fun to play on. I’ve used only these maps and I get an entertaining game on each one except Volatile Ground, where I always win. I can go to any of these battlefields and not lose with Tau any time I want. I think I’m going to win a lot of my multiplayer games at first, until someone in my friend circle gets a respectable build order together. If I can beat the Harder AI every time, on each one of these maps, then I think human players will have a similarly difficult time in unseating me. I mean, anyone can beat me, if you’re faster than I am. And I’m pretty fast. I’m teching to tier 1 within the first minute of the game, and tier 2 under 5 minutes in. Dark Eldar and Orks pose the largest threat to me, because their tier 0 and tier 1 stuff is buff and hard to stop early on. When rushed at 4 minutes by either of these AIs, I let them destroy nearly a quarter of my stuff before I can dispense of the invaders with a Barracuda or two. They have no answer at tier 1 to the Barracuda. It just makes them die, and then they leave my base and I can continue on the righteous path towards total map domination.

Tau are slow, compared to some of the other races. I know they’re slow because both Dark Eldar and Orks have a sizable force in my base moments after the 4 minute mark rolls by. They can get me with Hellions, my whole base, actually, and little else but Jetbikes and Mandrakes. It’s a sad way to die, but I will get my shit handed to me by either of those opponents if I’m playing ANYONE ELSE but Tau. I will survive with Tau. I can’t survive as Tyranids, because they have no counter at all to Hellions. Even Hormagaunts at level 3 have no chance. Mandrakes feast on them.

I’ve left commentary on Tyranids’ lack of an effective counter for rush units, and hopefully I get an intelligible reply. I don’t have my hopes up, but nevertheless, I’d like to see Tyranids  with a bit more power so they can actually get to the point of deploying powerful units. They die too soon because Spore Chimneys are not defensible after upgrades and their fixed turrets are crap. Noted.


Where dawn breaks,
Headwind breathing–
Takes south the dust of time.
Forgotten in a daze–
Burning like wildfire embers,
But solemn being alone.
The crossbeam of fortitude.
Prevail despite sadness.
Dark and forgetful ways,
Subjected to his eyes,
Tearing a hole in the truth.
Beguiled by serpent whispers–
Take back myself!
Bleak and horrible–
As the way my seem,
To trust again the wind.
Coiled in emotion’s venom.
Brushed aside as another–
Forget my love!
Turning the book of days,
To a brighter tomorrow.

Some Paper, And Forgiveness

I have said many times how I intend to change myself and my actions for the betterment of my life and future. I have been frank, and disclosed my darkest errors. I do this so I can learn, and grow. The feeling isn’t one of mutual respect though, and no matter how I try, I’m never going to get the satisfaction of understanding, the solemn love of compassion… things I desperately seek but have no healthy way of receiving. I can do the best I can, within my capabilities, to express, document and scrutinize my responses, emotions and thoughts. But it’s not a two-way street, and the gratification I’m looking for comes from a place of functionality, not disconnection. Jax and I are now permanently disconnected, so I’m not sure what my thinking is in writing her that letter… a letter that contained my most heartfelt regrets and apologies. It’s private, otherwise I’d have posted it here. In short, I’m not able to be at rest knowing I left so many things unsaid, or undone in our life together. I couldn’t just let that go, knowing that she has this idea about me in her head that I am a piece of shit or not worth being with or whatever. I can’t just be ok leaving it at that. I want her to know, that I’m changing, even if she is not. I’m advancing my life, every day, just like I said I was going to back in the beginning.

I’ve come a long way with the anger, which I was buried in at the time that Jax told me she had an affair while I was still in the hospital. But who’s to say what is good and what is bad? I can understand this crisis from my standpoint alone, and deal with the emotional responses that I am made aware of. I can’t go doing impossible things, so, why expect that of myself? Seems kinda pointless.

I am moving on the best way I know how, and after surviving a few months of anguish, I’m emerging from the haze and am ready to address the next circumstance. I can’t change the past, duh. But I can change how I feel about it, and how I interpret the situation for myself. I can choose to take something wholly beneficial from this calamity and use it to propel myself forward. Goals are out there to be reached, met, surpassed. I am confident I can do these things, if I grind away at them and take my time in reaching milestones. My expressions have become starkly more useful and less emotional as time has passed, and this should be an encouraging sign to anyone that even the most vile of heartbreak can be overcome with the dull ache of time. Not the same excruciating pain, but a reminder of where it used to hurt and why.

Jax, best of luck on your adventure to wherever it is that you are going. I have disconnected my concern, and am satisfied with where I have left things between us. It’s never going to be right again, because trauma has seen to disbanding even the smallest of insurrections. That’s what you wanted though, so I can’t say much else. I’ve move my own way, and am not headed a vastly different direction than you. And we will not be meeting again on this journey, I know. Because my path requires a level of energy and commitment that you do not want any part of. You do really believe and love your sister, even if her advice can get you into more trouble that it was originally worth. Be well on your travels, as I will be on mine.


Taken to stand
Alone in the sea
I’ve lost the horizon
In painted hues of pain
Canvassing the autumn sky
Still old and tired
Belonging fractured in heat
Sent the way of changes
Twisted sorrow
Burned home in regret
But lost to foolishness
And the stormy skies
Of many broken promises
Snapping through mine
And wounded deep
The toiled trouble
A single rising sight
Towards starlight bound
The heavens open for me

Getting Closer – Billy Joel

I went searching for the truth
But in my innocence I found
All the con men and their acrobats
Who stomped me in the ground
If I count up their percentages
I know they’re getting rich
But they haven’t taken everything
Those paybacks are a bitch

Though I’ve lost quite a lot
I am still in control
They can keep what they’ve got
But they can’t have my soul
And if I don’t have this all worked out
Still I’m getting closer, getting closer
I still have far to go no doubt
But I’m getting closer, getting closer

What was ripped off by professionals
Is not all that it seems
While I must live up to contracts
I did not give up my dreams
If I see it as experience
It hasn’t gone to waste
Lately all the missing pieces
Have been falling into place

And if I could go back and start over somehow
I would not change that much
Knowing what I know now
Thought there have been sins
I will regret
Still I’m getting close, getting closer
I don’t have all the answers yet
But I’m getting closer, getting closer

I’m a mark for every shyster
From Topanga to Berlin
And I should have learned to kick them out
As soon as they crawled in
So to every bank in Switzerland
That stores my stolen youth
I’m all right because despite the laws
You cannot hide the truth

And although you will say
I am still too naive
But I have not lost faith
In the things I believe

And if I don’t have a this all worked out
Still I’m getting closer, getting closer
I still have far to go no doubt
But I’m still getting closer, getting closer

The Cut Of Truth

I wish I could have done things differently, sure. But it is truly hopeless thinking to wish for a past that can’t be changed. I’ve fucked up pretty bad in my life, and more than once, but history is done, and I am still here. I have to take the next step forward, and be present with my new decisions and actions. I am now trying to do the best I can to be a good person in the world, and I can’t do any of that without a clear understanding of how I need to change. Because what I WAS doing is no good, and leads to eventual disaster. And I know that now; that somewhere under all that turbulence was the thing I needed to adjust. The real source of my despair is me.

I have a chance to make a whole new go of life, and I don’t intend to squander it. In this stage of my outward development, I am taking in the good and filtering the bad through the process of rationalizing. I still have big, hardly containable feelings burble up in me, and sometimes there is no stopping the sadness. But this is a response to a recent injury, not a lasting motif. I filed the divorce. That hurts still, because I wasn’t ready to let my marriage go. I still wanted it, badly, and the hole that it left in me filled rapidly with anger and disdain. I don’t hate anyone. I may act like I do, but I bet you would too if you were dealing with this level of trauma.

I have a more evolved system of coping and understanding my feelings. This process involves a new-found sense of worth, and a belief that my feelings are valid no matter what obscure corner of the conscious mind they come from. All things will eventually demand to be heard, understood and appropriately digested. I don’t know anything about my future. I shouldn’t need t worry about inane fears and baseless, damaging thoughts. I can still experience destructive feelings, but not be controlled or owned by them. I find that much to my satisfaction.

In short, no one can change what I’ve done, or what has been done to me. But we can write a purposeful and hopeful future for ourselves, with concentration and appropriate action. A well balanced and measured existence comes from a place of compassion, not discipline. No one goes anywhere by motivating with punishment. That’s one thing I can say that I know now, that I didn’t before. It’s a mercurial world, and we’re just doing our best to survive in it.

The True Tomorrow

I’ve been given the absolute final “ok, you’re hired” message just a little while ago. Starting Monday the 23rd, I’m a full time employee, with benefits. I can’t tell you how happy I am to finally have a chance to get back on my two feet again, so to speak. It has been a struggle during the time in which I was building myself up in preparation for this day. I knew at some point I’d have a chance to shine, and so I have.

I’m feeling like being starkly honest with my interactions. I think if I can just manage to stay focused on my mental health journey, I will be rewarded with a happy independent life. I can support myself and enjoy the company of others. I hope to add new faces to my memory, and no doubt this shift will have its merits. I think getting out and learning a new skill will be refreshing and fun. Because I love to learn. I really do. And I like helping people solve their problems. Getting things done. Yes.

So I’m just going to lay it out there. I’m trying my best to be my own best self advocate. I’m doubling down on me. He said what?

I really believe that I have to put the past behind me and move on. I can’t live in the pain of yesterday. I’m too important. I’m worth more than that. That’s the sort of attitude I should have had a long time ago. But what I had was untenable, because it wasn’t based on a model of self care. That’s what I’ve changed. I’m going in the right direction. For sure.

I know why I am where I am. I have no one to blame but myself. I have learned some tough lessons, but that’s what makes me so awesome: I grow.

New Stuff

I got the job! First off. It’s a technical support job working for Mood Media. I’ll be training on how to use their proprietary devices, then guiding customers through their issues with them.

As you may be aware, the last time I had a job, my maintenance of the blog will decrease, but not disappear altogether. I’m still working out how to continue my therapy, but I’m aware I will lose both my groups. I need to make a conscious decision to be proactive about checking in with myself and being a good steward of my body. I will be shopping and surviving on my own again, which I am really excited about. I’m looking forward to getting back on a regular diet, eating healthy things and staying true to my exercise time. It’s a good way to get the endorphins flowing first thing in the morning. I have a lot of good thoughts coming out of this life change. Which I knew would happen eventually, but was not expecting it to be so soon.

I am ready though. I’m looking forward to all of this change. Bring it on. I’m ready to prove it to myself.

I have been in a hard place emotionally. I’ve been reliving a lot of Jax memories… and I’m just not sure what good it’s doing me. I get to feeling so sad and despairing, often times my words from that place are greatly exacerbated by emotions and time. But they are still my feelings and still my words so I am them. Regardless of how I might think I feel. I’m still just as powerless to stop the sadness as I am able to make a rabbit disappear from inside a top hat. I just don’t understand it all sometimes. I’m only half of what happened, and I’m sure there will not be a tomorrow for any of these feelings inside me. They pine for a dead future, not killed by MY choice, but dead nevertheless.

I am happy to say I will be making enough money independently to get my own studio apartment and be able to hold myself up again, after some months in the hole. I will have a life again! Hooray! And with the work I continue to do to help myself get better, healthy in my brain. Every day here on out, it has to be my top priority.

I know Jax is gone and that I won’t get her back. Even if I want that, I can’t do anything about it. I’m powerless to change others, to hope they can see what I can see. It makes no difference, and that fact alone is enough to bind me to old sorrow in a way that is difficult to escape. But hey, I’ve got my life back that I lost, and I’m ecstatic about getting myself back out there again. Who knows? I may meet someone new who truly understands my state and circumstances. Wouldn’t that be refreshing? I can’t help but admire my parents for having a relationship that swerved around horrible danger and still took some severe damage in it’s progression, but never faltered and never cracked. They realized that love was bigger than any momentary obstacle in life, and that their love would go on regardless. No problem is too big that love can’t handle it.

I find myself hoping more people out there will think this way, so that if I ever do fall in love again, I do so for the last time.


I write to free myself of the burden of sorrow. And sometimes it presses me down hard and flat. And it’s all I can do to struggle against it and allow myself a breath. Sometimes there is no escaping it. The sadness comes and swallows me. I am immersed in the inconsolable thoughts of deep hurt and traumatic pain. I don’t exactly deserve this magnitude of emotion, but I can still deal it to myself regardless. It’s as constant as the sunrise, this disorder. You can expect there to be a down whenever there was an up. I sit here in the gathering dark and wonder about what kind of person I want to be. I hold my self in a respectful regard, while maintaining a leader’s ambition. I can be a great person, but it takes a lot of work to get it there.

I have a job interview tomorrow. First thing in the morning. I’m pretty excited about that. I get another chance to prove my value to another person and try to get hired. I really want to work. And keep at my successes with realistic goals that can be systematically achieved. Is it really all about the hurt I feel in the moment of anguish? I certainly hope not. Seems like a bad place to be making a decision. I’ve learned from hard mistakes and I am doing the best I can to carry on. It’s all I can really expect.

I hope this place continues to be as forgiving and open as it has been. I take solace in the act of casting my words out into the forever. Some how, these words will carry on somewhere, and be of use to someone. That completes the circuit. So to speak.

Reminders Of Her

I’m struggling with a lump in my throat and a tears swelling in my eyes. I am reminded of how much I loved her, and how much it hurt to have that abruptly cancelled. I’ve not fully comprehended the shock of abandonment. of a love that I thought was deeper than any I had known… to have that ripped from me is inviting indescribable anguish. I suffer with a empty chasm that had been filled with adoration for another person. I absolutely loved every part of her, every smile, every sob, every tear she cried, every funny little way she walked. I can’t help but remember how deeply I loved her. How truly, I appreciated her company, and revealed everything to her, and let he be in the sacred circle of my life. To exile her from it has been like committing treason on myself. Part of me died forever when she told me that she was through with me. It’s a fundamental rejection based on circumstance, elated emotions and a lack of foresight. Truly I believe life still could have worked, gotten better even been something totally new, If you’d only have been willing to try again with me. But even that was repulsive. Everything about who I am you found abhorrent to such an extent as to never want anything to do with me, ever again. I can’t help but take that kind of personally. And I’m such an idiot, because I’m not observant and I fall into ruts. And I lost you when I was in my deepest dark place. I lost you, the only thing that I truly held in the center of my love. Ever. And I lost you.

I don’t think I’m likely to just “get over” that. I royally fucked up, and did enough bad things to her to drive her away, permanently. I must be an unadulterated toxic waste site that kills everything that strays near it. Is that the reality of my solitude? The true depth of the bleakness of having been given up on, and left forever. I can’t relay the level of suffering that comes from that cold, real fact. It drives itself through me like cold steel. I can’t breathe sometimes because I miss her touch, her smell. I miss the way she laughed at my jokes, the way she listened to my stories. I never had a ton of things in common with her, but I appreciated her creativity, her spontaneity, her ambition. She had fire, and spunk, and I liked that. I thought her heart would forgive even my most wretched of dispositions, but I was wrong. It had a limit, and that limit was found and broken. I wish I was still being loved the way I had been… I wish I was still in love with her the way I imagine I was. I wanted to center my whole life around this rare flower, this traumatized beauty… I just never let her know how precious she was to me, I guess. I can’t explain what happened to me, but I sure can learn from it. And I’m doing my best to make sure this doesn’t happen again. But to do that, and pursue my mental health as my life priority… I will surely to be used to doing it alone. I can’t expect to put someone through the kind of torture it is to deal with someone who is deeply mentally ill. She never really understood what kind of challenge I was, and she got frightened when she found out, and wanted out. It was all too much. The neglect, the constant analysis and lack of compassion. I get it. I mean, I have to get why, because how else am I ever going to learn anything from this disaster?

I don’t know how to tell you what it feels like to be strangled by sadness, dissolving into vile acid and hissing with despair. I wish I was somehow still worthy of her love. I wish I had the validation of someone there, making you smile inside. Because that’s what she did for me, she made me work so god damn hard, every day, pushing myself to the limit and doing it so that I could have that life with her. It was what I wanted when I went to work, when I started being independent again, I did it for her, for that life with her… because I loved her so much I glowed in the dark with energy to make her, and myself proud. Jax, I don’t regret giving all that year of my life to you. I would do it all again, because you were such a joy for that time, and such a clever little spot. I’ll never forget how good you used to make me feel. Like nothing I’ve ever felt before in my life… like nothing I ever expect to feel again. I’m deep in guilt over how I took care of myself, and how I contributed to the way we fell apart. I wish I had it back. I wish I had her back. I wish I didn’t have to hurt so bad all the time, and feel so totally alone sometimes at night, and the feel like you just wish it could be ok again. But I know, it won’t be sometimes.


I’ve been doing Hoyle Card Games in my boredom, and I’ve had the most interesting cribbage games. I’ve never had a hand above 21 points, until today, when I was dealt this:

1And then I turned this:

2For a grand total of:

324! Holy crap that’s the best hand I’ve ever been dealt in all my years of playing cribbage. And in the game in which I was dealt this hand, I’m still losing by 5. Coming into the home stretch as well…

Anyway, happy fathers day.


Bucket Plunkers

The apparatus of my strategy game brain is somewhat tired. I’ve been out teched by Chaos and swarmed under by Orks and Dark Eldar. I can’t handle any of them with Tyranids… I’m just not fucking fast enough to get enough things out there to meet their things at the fucking 4 minute mark EVERY TIME! Goddamnit I’m never going to play that way! I can’t do 4 minutes. I need more fucking time dude. You HAVE to give me enough time to get going, otherwise, what the fuck are we doing? I’m not having fun, that’s for sure. I think this comes down to a balance issue. There’s no intermediate unit worth building before tier 3 that has a slight chance of survival. Warriors, once upgraded, are fast and have good dps. But they last for about 1 minute and then they’re all dead. All 12 or however many of them there are. Same story with fully upgraded Genestealers. They get annihilated by ANYTHING they try to fight. I think this is not good. I’ve had to RUSH to get to Zoeanthropes and full Carnifexes with all their technologies researched. But if I’m being harassed at 4 minutes, I have to divert my economy’s resources to defending off the attackers, who will run willy-nilly through my base, stop, and grind on my resource building s until they are destroyed. This is fucking stupid. I’ve tried holding them off with Hormagaunts, and they just use a ton of resources reenforcing up to 20 members. It is crippling my economy, which maybe I can resolve by somehow ignoring my base slowly being consumed and boost my economy upgrades regardless. Seems like a really dumb way to win. I’m hoping YOU guys have a better idea. I’m stuck.

Should’ve Known Better – Richard Marx

Another sleepless night I can’t explain,
Somebody said they heard me call your name,
The radio won’t let you leave my mind,
I know it’s over but I don’t know why.

Should’ve known better–
Than to fall in love with you.
Now love is just a faded memory.
Should’ve known better–
Now I’m a prisoner to this pain,
And my heart still aches for you.

There was no risk that I wouldn’t take,
And not a promise that I didn’t make,
All I asked was that you just hold on,
And now I’m wondering what I did wrong.

Should’ve known better–
Than to fall in love with you.
Now love is just a faded memory.
Should’ve known better–
Now I’m a prisoner to this pain,
And my heart still aches for you.

I gave you all of my body and soul,
Never believing we might lose control,
I took my hands off the wheel.

I can’t remember if the lies were true.
It’s been a million years since I touched you.
I thought time might help me win this game,
But being away from you is slowly driving me insane.
Should’ve known better–
Than to fall in love with you.
Now love is just a faded memory.
Should’ve known better–
Now I’m a prisoner to this pain,
And my heart still aches for you.

Unwritten Words

I have been writing huge posts, often rants about my painful experiences around my suicide attempt, but not publishing them. In fact, I typically vent for up to 500 words or so, and then delete the post entirely. I let one go today, but realizing I would rather have just deleted my rant, I did after the fact. I’m sorry if you read it and were like “what stick got up HIS ass today?”

I have a lot of feelings that don’t need to be solidified as a post. More often than not, I indulge the destructive thoughts by giving them a creative outlet in my words. But do I want to save all those words? Fuck no. Most of what I write is biased nonsense, and you should know that by now. It’s not intended to be ubiquitous, it’s not a tween pop hit. It’s MY blog, and it’s often dark and quite belligerent; mired in redundancies, and sometimes at a total loss for how to articulate the feeling, but trying nevertheless. I don’t write for anyone but myself, for myself, for my thoughts to be real, heard, and then dissipate forever. Take it or leave it.

So, like I was saying… there are just too many posts that don’t need to be posted… because they come from an emotionally unhelpful place, and are happy with just having my attention for a few minutes, let alone achieve semi-permanence. I’m trying to keep the thought faucet on a drip… for now.


I was an active participant in group today, which is great, refreshing and rewarding. I was trying to explain my mindful processes to them, and how I now process my feelings in a way I never had. It’s pretty novel, and clearly not just an idea I came up with. Your credit being due to Marsha Linehan for having all the details of mindfulness all sorted out. It’s been really revolutionary, and the more I find myself sharing my success with others, the more little light-bulbs go on all around me. Today, one of the group members just looked at me and said “wow, you should lead the group.” I take that as a compliment, not a suggestion. But it’s my personality coming back and I’m seeing the proof of its return. People had nothing but positive stuff to say to me today, and even though I came out of group to find I had a flat tire, I nevertheless had a fantastic, exercise packed kinda day. And it’s a step forward, like the many I have taken before this one, and like the many I will take in days to come.

I feel pride in myself again, and not the guilty indulgence of delusion, but an actual strength that builds on my conscience, my morality. I have a morally clean slate, because I don’t “get off” by doing evil things to others. I can be mean, yes, and perhaps deservedly so. But does that make my soul unclean? If you know what I mean? I don’t kill, steal, cheat, and victimize others. And that kinda stuff. I think I might be too stupid to be a good liar. I’d just forget what I had lied about anyway.

I think things are going super. I mean, given the circumstances. It’s not hell anymore. It WAS though. I can’t tell you how hard it’s been to regroup from what happened to my life. I don’t pretend to be the victim, but mostly, I did get screwed out of that life, a life that I was not prepared to lose in the way that I did. You readers know me, and know how hard it is to learn from one’s mistakes, and embrace them to grow with them. I have done this, and wholly examined my failings, and conducted the change needed to restore functionality. And boy, there’s still quite a bit of work to do. I don’t pretend to have it figured out; I’m learning, just like most of you. It’s not so easy as it may seem, but things of value are never ever easy to get a hold of. Work for your freedom. Earn the right to be independent. There’s nothing wrong with any of that.

In some way, I still admire Jax for going out there and staying afloat. I didn’t think she’d make it, but she has. And who knows, maybe she will. It’s of no consequence to me. But do I respect her? No, not at all. She’s made some ridiculously bad decisions, and seems to only want to defend herself as to why she did. I mean, you read her comment, right? I don’t admire her for THAT.

But seriously folks. I’m glad for the continued steady climb of progress. I’m getting exercise nearly every day, and it takes a lot out of me, which feels good. It’s fun to be exhausted! I feel relevant. In a sweaty kind of way.




New Content for UA 1.74

I have been closely monitoring ModDB’s UA page in hopes of gobbling up any news they had to offer. So far, the ongoing saga is an open-ended feedback commentary as the UA team develops a new Tau Empire battlesuit. I believe it’s going to be called the XV-104. I know the mod team is striving for a more canonical Warhammer 40k feel, but making no difference to me, I see them addressing the upper tier units for different races across the board. This is a pretty good indicator of the gameplay changes we can expect. Looks like longer, more developed games are the way we would need to go in order to use any of the stuff the UA team is modeling right now.

It’s important to note that 1.74 being actively worked-on will reduce the amount of time I spend pondering what the new release will bring. I’m pretty cozy with Eldar, Tau and Tyranids, and would notice if anything changed for those factions. Necrons and Chaos Space Marines were on the block as of the release of 1.73, still needing some adjustments for gameplay reasons.  The Tau battlesuit they are designing looks pretty amazing. I’m getting EXCITED now about this damn release. And who knows how long I will be hung in limbo for THIS time.

Just Waking Up

I had nightmares. It was demonic possession in this dream. And they poured hot mustard on my knee so I would write down demon words and talk in demon language. It was unpleasant. But this is how sleep goes sometimes. At least I’m not having to face The Ghost.

I’m my dreams, I’m suffering in one form or another. It’s very rarely a not horrible dream in which not horrible things are happening. Very rare.

I’m going to group today. It was a little crowded last week and I’m not too big a fan of that. The groups lose value when they get bigger. Chances are someone will grab the limelight and not let go of it. Then we only deal with one person’s problem the whole time. Not fun. Not rewarding.

Seeing her again yesterday only reminded me of how far she has fallen. I used to respect and care for her, but not anymore. I think poorly of her and have no desire to interact with her any further. She’s left my concern and I’m glad to be rid of it. I’m doing so much better without her. It’s measurable, the changes I made to myself. I’m so proud of that. It can’t be taken from me either.

I’m here in snuggy town. I’m warm and safe. Not possessed by demons. Thankfully.

Often I Wish

I wish I had a healthy brain that behaved. I wish I had the ease of infallibility. The cruelty of superiority. Perhaps not. I’m a wanderer. And bound by the whims of chance. Whether my energy output is appreciated or not, I still bring a high level of effort to my affairs. I try, because it means something to me to do my best. I don’t circumvent for the sake of convenience. I’m not happy until thriving.

I have to now emphasize that I have high standards for participation in future engagements. I will be quick to evaluate worth, and discard you if you don’t meet my eyes. Is it too much to ask for intelligent and introspective people to make their way into my sensors? I’m starving for someone to share in the tumult of reality. Appreciation is a mutual arrangement of an understood philosophical convergence. I don’t think that’s asking too much. And maybe that course bounds me to solitude. Maybe I need done time to myself anyways.

In truth, I don’t hold out hope for understanding beyond myself. I think that first, I need to be 100% ok with me. In whatever state I find myself. The strength to face the future comes from within. I know I can master this area. I can be back to where I want to be with my existence. But all good things do come in time. I know it.


I saw her today at the mental health clinic. I immediately needed a pickle. Or a strong warm whiskey. But, having neither, I resumed reading about global alien takeover. I hashed this out with Margaret. There’s not much going on there. As I have nothing nice to say, I will just be quiet. In the meanwhile: Jay came over with chronic and a big bong. I’m IN ORBIT and at terminal escape velocity achieved.

It’s going to be ok. Even if it’s not.


I’m working on myself right now, and that is not a simple feat. Especially when my mind and it’s odd behavior seem to make things harder than they need be. Emotions are bigger. Louder. Which makes for quite a struggle. But a silent one.

I wonder if my hard work put into rebuilding my life will bear fruit. It’s often a question of time and procedure. I can be proactive, but to an extent. I can’t wrestle control from the iron grip of others. No matter. My world is still turning. Despite the “morbid” world view I have according to my new least favorite person. You don’t see me going to her blog and objecting to whatever she does there. It’s because of insecurity. Like my mom, for example: not coping with the real issue because it’s too scary or whatever. It just postpones the inevitable. But I’m only mildly auspicious about my prospects. I think the whole thing could use a good old reframing. Then maybe things will have new value.

I’m not here to tell anyone how to be. Fuck man. I can hardly do anything of consequence, which disqualifies me from knowing anything. I’m as ignorant of circumstance as the next mook. But I’m more likely to have learned something from a failure, or learned what it takes to succeed before trying. I’d rather not just have to “wing it” or anything. Life is too important.

I’ve wasted a lot of time hoping someone else would compromise their attention and appease my emotional needs. That’s just not healthy behavior. Instead, I’ve tried addressing moments and triggers, and appreciating feelings just for being. That usually makes them happy, and then they flutter back the way they came. It’s all about respecting myself and my feelings as legitimate. Registerable events in the seismograph of living. They just want to be seen. Even my deepest sadness can come and go. It’s still going to be ok. Tomorrow is coming regardless. What about that philosophical approach is “morbid” exactly. Perhaps you just use words that you don’t know the meaning of.

At any rate, I am never going to be just happy all the time. The world is a peculiar place with random radicals colliding and ricocheting at the whims of chance. I’m no different than any other small variable in the complex equation. And I’m ok with that.


I’ve decided not. Rather, the Tyranids change directions after this initial “rush / zerg” phase is over. Mainly, Hormagaunts can win you the early part of the game, but will never destroy a base. I’ve tried. What works, is revving up technological advances to achieve some of the highest tier units the Tyranids can recruit. Like my buddy Trygon down there. Flying in to deliver the final blow is a fully upgraded Hive Tyrant as well.


This was the final screen for Imperial Guard, who had been utterly shut down by the Zoanthropes, losing all their advanced tanks and infantry to them. Which were built in large number, clearly by the screencap with all 600 of them waiting in the background. Biovores came in handy for culling the first few infantry outbursts from IG while I was getting the technology for tier 3 upgraded. Once the Zoanthropes got out there, and the Carnifexes were piling up, I had things wrapped up. Those are not Screamer-Killers down there, those are real full Carnifexes. And they’re set to destroy structures, which IG was not happy about. But it was over fast once the purge had wiped out all their perimeter defenses.

Trygon or two come to be useful meats, because they take a ton of punishment (of all forms) and seem to do well in absorbing most of it. They die, but it sure does take a while. And if you’ve built a Tunnel Warrens then you are deep into Tyranids and don’t have much more upward expansion left before hiutting the top. You need to have victory with the tier 3 and 4 stuff, if at all. If outgunned here, which I have been before by Dark Eldar, then you’re fucking doomed.

I timed this game just under 1/2 an hour. Yikes. What happened to Zerg? What happened to “the hive must grow?” These are myths when such Hydraliskian brethren like the Zoanthrope hang around waiting to be teched up to. I will run more games this way, not putting a killing blow until tier 3. We’ll see how that goes.



I’m doing the best I can in my environment. But not everyone is on board with the emotion regulation prerogative. I’m working my ass off to be healthy in body and mind. This second part is where the hardest work is to be done. I’m being proactive with daily exercise and a really good diet. My calorie intake is way down. I did mention that I lost ten pounds as of three weeks ago. And my shorts are too loose. They fall right off my ass unless I have a belt. So. Work is being done despite my Mom having a total fucking meltdown over the last day or so. I have no solace in resolution, because the emotional awareness work needs to be done and acknowledged. My mom won’t admit to there being a problem because she is too proud and insecure about herself and how she is perceived. She needs to be right in order to feel good, which is a fucked story. She may have a lot of feelings that aren’t being appropriately acknowledged and dealt with. Instead they find devious ways of getting out through misdirected emotional outbursts. Inexplicable reactions based on non participation in a mindful process. If in wise-mind, more reasonable ways of dealing with emotions can be found and implemented. It takes work and practice. My mom has lost her way in this regard. I wish I could help, but the whole thing is above my pay-grade.

Shape Of My Spade

I’ve had an itch to play Bridge again, which has to be my all time favorite card game. I think it’s oodles of fun. The sneakatude and absolute attention to which cards have been played. I just love it. I have 2 iPhone apps called Spades+ and Hearts+ which I have been really happy with. I’ve been playing at night before bed. I hooked Tony’s wife Dawna into playing with me as well. I’m really shitty at Hearts for some reason. I always get stuck with the lead in a suit no one else has. It’s fucked. I was playing this afternoon for the “beat your opponents by 50 or more,” and I had the thing locked up… then back to back rounds of 25 and 24. Ouch.

I now have Hoyle Cards 2011 on my computer, and just finished setting up my avatar. ProfileRight?


So I can play Bridge now, and I gave myself all the neato players to play with. Marvin is a Tyrannosaurus. Roswell is an alien. and there’s a bear as well. It’s all good fun.

Mainly, I want to get back to figuring out a decent bidding language, like the kind needed to do well at Bridge at all. My partner is usually Roswell, so I’m not positive about how that personality bids. I am going to go hunt down a Bridge tutorial on bidding as well, just to have the information handy, and to see if the computer follows that sort of language as well. It would be nice to give the computer partner information based on my initial bid. If any.

I’m going to be able to fire up a game of Cribbage, Hearts or Spades at any time. And since I have the self-installing .iso, theoretically anyone could multiplay with me. I should install it on my Dad’s laptop, just in case I get someone over there who wants to play cards.

Did I mention I fucking love cards? I do. Is it obvious?



It runs in the hot air and makes everything stand on end. It’s palpable anger, the effusive radiation given off by disagreement. I find myself in an environment inundated with it sometimes. My parents have been together a long time, and seen their way through lots of issues. Because there are always issues. Two people are bound to argue about something, given enough time. Trouble being the basic communication and expression skills seem to get lost, and misread, or misunderstood, or whatever. At some point, there is a fracture and it doesn’t do anything but widen from there on out. I wonder why this is. I’ve contributed, on many an occasion, my own anger or other unpleasant feeling in some non useful way. I’ve not identified the source of my emotions and not coped with it regardless. I’ve been in meltdown mode, where all I can do is curl into a ball and close my eyes until the abuse stops.

When there is tension, its code for someone not dealing with emotions in a useful way, perhaps both. Emotion warfare is easy to engage in, because all you have to do is act on the impulse of the first arbitrary feeling that solidifies itself in your mind. Then hold on tight.

I have my own problems to deal with, naturally. And I don’t really know what to do, given the environmental hostility is totally out of my hands, and has little or nothing to do with me. Nor will it be alleviated by my abrupt intervention. I’m not a fucking hero or anything. I’m not going to ride in and make it right. Yeah, how unbelievably unrealistic is that?

I have enough trouble being in my own head. I don’t go inviting more negativity into my world if I have the choice. Sometimes there is no escaping it. When the RV is full of anger, some of it leaks out the door and gets into my area.

Ultimate Apocalypse Build Order (Tyranids) [REVISED]

I went back to 1.73 and things with the Tyranids have become unclear again. I’m back to a sort of temporary mediocrity and misuse of the army altogether. I never have enough Reclamation Pools to get much Hivemind abilities out. I get mired in tier 2 and can’t win there consistently. The Hormagaunt and Genestealer swarm that worked in the fan patch does not work here at all. It is countered, FAST, before any real damage is done. I’ve been able to use that swarm to kill off all the infantry, and then lose the swarm to fixed defenses. Especially rockets. This might just be a universal truth. When it comes to the Tyranids, explosions are effective against bare flesh. Makes sense to me.

Phase 1 – Establish The Colony (0:00 – 2:00)

Builder set to reenforce to full squad size, and build either barracks (it reenforces for free, so why not?)
HQ: recruit another builder to build whichever barracks didn’t get built in the previous step
Hivemind: 2x Genestealers, each set to cap 1/2 the forward portion of the map, nearest first

Once the builders get done doing their thing, you will have some dead-time here where your Rippers are waiting for the Genestealers to cap the points so they can build Spore Chimneys on them. Do this until you have 5 or so points captured and SC’s built

HQ: research tier 1 as soon as either Brood Hive or Gaunt Hive are built

Phase 2 – Preparing The Swarm (2:30 – 4:00)

I will typically be capping and building Spore Chimneys into this phase. Once tier 1 is done, you can go find a slag pit if you have one, and harvest the huge requisition bonus they give. I make these a priority if they happen to be around. If not, start into upgrading every Chimney one time
Once all the upgrades are done, recruit both command units, and build 2x Warrior squads, fully reenforce, buy claws for all
Buy the first increased economic intake technology
Build Carnifex barracks
Upgrade Gaunts and Genestealers as much as can be done at this tier. Don’t bother with the Litcors.

Build all 6 Reclamation Pools.
Upgrade to tier 2 (680 Requisition)

As a note: by the time this is happening, you can hit 680R in a few seconds because you’re intake will be pretty insane. Like over +200 by the time you’re headed to tier 2. That might be less if you didn’t get a slag pit on your map.


Phase 3 – Control The Middle (5:00 – 11:00)

Here is where it gets murky. Basing armies of Hormagaunts is a mistake, because they are obliterated by any form of stationary defense. They have HUGE 20 unit squads, and you’d be surprised how fast they go. They are good at handling early infantry, but don’t ever get Hormagaunts in a base until all the defenses are down. You can use the Hivemind to drop them in as needed. Base your armies on Warriors, in full reenforced state, can be devastating. They do well with most anything, but don’t have a lot of resilience, and will, again, go bye bye to the fixed defenses or ranged units. I don’t really have a ranged angle with Tyranids right now. I’m trying to win in tier 2, and not have to go any farther, because I will die if we go deep into games. My best stuff can’t hold up against tier 3. No way, and I’ve seen them die. Chaos out teched me, and overloaded my base with tier 3 stuff I couldn’t kill. I was attempting to get my economy rolling, and start cranking on Screamer-Killers and get the command units up to level 8. But it seems you have to choose one or the other. My best economy can’t handle both of those things. The primary goal here is that you stay alive, and keep your (few) structures and Spore Chimneys from being destroyed. If your economy stabilizes after leveling the command units, you can get researching tier 3.


Phase 4 – Push Them Back (11:00 – 25:00)

To have control of the middle is key to establishing a fighting-front of your army. I typically meatshield Spinegaunts and Hormagaunts, and back them up with command units, Zoeanthropes and Biovores. These “heavy weapons” can turn the tides of the engagement. Biovores are SUPER inaccurate, but with 4 -5 squads of 3, they pepper the land with artillery shot and pulverize infantry. The Zoeanthropes will help you cut down on things eating your Biovores and preventing your forward advance. The heavy units will win you the engagement, and keep the battlefield soundly within your ownership. Push them back to their base, and make your priority anything that fires an explosive projectile. Kill those fast.

I leave this area up to your experimentation, and would be only to happy to take a suggestion on how to run the Tyranids for longer. I’m doomed by this time, or, I won. It’s never a gray area. I live or die by the knife-edge of chance. Not a very compelling build order, I know. But it’s what I’ve got since returning to nerfed 1.73 Tyranids. Whatever they did in the fan patch is fucked. They ruined Tyranids for me. Just not the same…

Party Foul

I just want to be real clear, as this point seems to have been lost during the assimilation of my words into outrage. I can’t control how my words will make you act or feel, because that’s largely on YOUR end of things. I can’t make anyone do anything. This blog is my primary therapeutic tool, allowing me to vent even the most hostile of malignant thoughts out of my mind, and on to something else which grants them acknowledgement for being, while not allowing a feeling to OWN who I am. It’s great, because I have no real person in my world to process a lot of this stuff with, but the BLOG allows me vent, and feel like I paid attention to the feeling I was having which is what it wanted in the first place. Feelings seek understanding, and acceptance as yours despite what they contain or pertain to.

I don’t go out of my way to piss anyone off, but my ex is bound to be upset by what I write. It’s accuracy is the best I can manage given the variances of my emotional states. But I make no argument that I expect to be held to the standard of fact. I’m not out here to prove anything to myself, or anyone else. I cope with a sea of feelings that my ex helped set into turbulence. So, yeah, I think I’m allowed to justify myself when challenged. It’s harder with my ex because she doesn’t see anything I say, but finds in my words what give her cause for anger. I can’t prevent this without compromising the therapeutic process. Which basically means I’m going to keep doing what I do, regardless of objection. Especially when it comes from an irrelevant source.

I just want to be clear that I’m not LOOKING for interaction. I have to deal with my feelings individually, and on a basis of ever changing circumstances within the self. In my Life Skills group, I’m widely accepted and appreciated for my emotional observations and abilities to prevail despite hardships. I give those ladies hope that a better way of expressing or handling feelings can be found or had. My therapist (who co-moderates the group) was impressed with my learned skills so far. And I have a long way to go yet, still weeks of learning and days of practice to be enjoyed. And I mean that, enjoyed. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to learn a new self-moderation type skill and then be able to apply it in life and get some use of it is huge. AN area I had left totally undefended is now getting restocked.

I guess I’m just a little surprised by Jax needing to rail against my posts, however disturbing. I don’t get anything from arguing or crosstalk. I just want it to stop, and never come back.

Back To The Future

I’ve gone back to the regular 1.73 instead of the fan patch. I find things with the Tyranids to be somewhat different then I remember. Genesteslers are not as strong once upgraded. They’re smaller and get more per squad. So do Hormagaunts, with a cap at 20 per squad. That’s a fucking ton. They swarm much more than in the patch. Much more.

But now it’s a toss up. Win some. Lose some. I’ve lost to Dark Eldar, and beat Sisters of Battle. I had a ton of fully upgraded Lictors by the time I got to assault mode. I was rolling. But I got harassed very early with DE. They had their tier 1 shit mauling my resource buildings right at the 4 minute mark. And the Genestealers couldn’t do shit. Well, that’s not entirely true. They successfully died. So they got THAT going for them.

I guess I need to “tighten the screws” on this build order. I know I lose time toggling between buildings and the Hivemind. Which units in the Hivemind cost power now, which makes those Spawning Pools super important. As important as the first economy upgrade for requisition. I think the UA team managed resources very well with the Tyranids. Fan patch kinda fucks that all up. No matter. 1.74 is not a figment from a far distant future. New content is morherfucking on the way. And soonish will be the hour of rejoicing. And the people did cheer and they feasted on the lambs, and carps, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and THATS QUITE ENOUGH FATHER GREGORY.

relic00157 relic00156

4 By 20

Not what you think. Seriously.

Now, it’s just math. 20 4 minute tracks make 1 perfect 80 minute CD. So I figured, “how many could there be?” and then I had 50 of them to sort through. Needless to say, this is pretty oddball. And no storyline here, just broken, fractured references and beats all mish-mashed together in a trianwerck mess. It’s butcheringly bad to listen to. It is so bad, I made up that word “butcheringly” to describe it. Damn. I’ll give it credit for having so much modern flair. Bravo.

  1. Moon Over Bourbon Street – Sting
  2. Carolina In My Mind – James Taylor
  3. Your Song – Elton John
  4. Skating Away (On The Thin Ice Of A New Day) – Jethro Tull
  5. Trouble Child – Joni Mitchell
  6. I’m Losing You – John Lennon
  7. I’m So Glad – Cream
  8. Follow You Follow Me – Genesis
  9. Borderline – Madonna
  10. Turn To Stone – Joe Walsh
  11. Got Me Under Pressure – ZZ Top
  12. Stone Blue – Foghat
  13. All Over You – Live
  14. Don’t Tread On Me – Metallica
  15. Time Bomb – Godsmack
  16. Starlight – Muse
  17. Driven Out – The Fixx
  18. Bathwater – No Doubt
  19. You Learn – Alanis Morissette
  20. Caribbean Blue – Enya

Bitter Parade

My inmost thoughts pertaining to my divorce are quite painful still. I ache in the place I had filled with love. The vacancy has taken an emotional toll. To be so fundamentally rejected is tough. The person who could most closely look at my inner self found me to be not worthwhile. And then abandoned in a time of crisis. Left with unrequited love eating me like cancer.

I did things to drive her away. I know this and accept it. But was I deserving of what I got? Was I really?

It strikes me as odd, the way some people deal with things. Some people can cope with themselves by ignoring what they don’t want to see and pretending the concerns away. Some people do such deplorable things that they can’t face the truth anymore. Their world is painted just for them, and it shows them just what they want to see: a lie. But I guess there are a lot of people who can do this. Can crush someone’s heart and then go fuck someone new. It’s because these keen betrayers have found peace in delusion. It’s easy when you are a moron.

Distraction is the ultimate coping skill because it lets you still feel alive without any of the responsibility of dealing with things. I feel the need to point this out because this is a massive problem. These ignorant people are out there, waiting to disappoint you with their limited cognition and lack of curious inspiration. Where have you gone, you brilliant idiot savant? I know you’re out there somewhere.

More to the point, I know that life is always changing. It’s hard to keep up with, but really important. Doing hard things and trying are a part of the journey that must be held sacred. Worth being defined through self-expression and experimentation with possibilities. If there’s one thing I can take from all this trauma, is that I’ve owned it. It’s my responsibility to learn from it. Grow with it. And adapt to the next new circumstance.

I keep hoping my ex will make a step forward in her life, and I mean that in the most humanitarian way possible. She’s still the “victim” of her life, and has shown no real signs of regret or remorse. Because she got what she wanted, and doesn’t care who she hurt to get it. It’s this core philosophy of self gratification and environmental ignorance that will allow her to go forward having learned nothing. She may well succeed here in San Diego and not have to fold up her life and move on. It’s because she can do what she did to me, to others, and get what she wants until she gets bored and moves on. I guess. It all must make sense to her, otherwise she probably would behave differently. That’s just the way it is, I guess.

No forgiveness because she was right in doing what she did. I’m the problem because I never listened to her and probably deserved what I was dealt. Right? I mean… this makes sense in your head, right? Is there some other rationale for your way of doing things? I can ask a thousand questions and never get an answer. Well. Not a REAL answer. She might retaliate and reiterate her delusion. But these “class” of people don’t care about logic, understanding and appreciation of others. They live for themselves, and I strongly caution you readers: knowing who someone is can take time, but do make that investment a smart one. Learn from my poor judgement and wear caution well.

Playlist: The Imprefect “80”

In my quest to find the most arbitrary conglomeration of songs in the history of ever, I’ve come up with a nerdy way to ensure a truly random assortment. I did some math, and if you want 18 tracks to equal exactly 80 minutes, they need to be 4 minutes and 26 seconds long each. It’s close, but not perfect. This is easily the WORST collection of tracks I’ve ever seen assembled. The music makes no sense. There is no flow whatsoever. These songs couldn’t be any more off-base. But I did it, I’m listening to it as my laundry dries. I’m wholly disappointed, and I’m only 3 tracks in. Sigh. Why do I do this?

  1. Locomotive Breath – Jethro Tull
  2. House Made Of Dawn Light – Douglas Spotted Eagle
  3. Signs Of Life – Pink Floyd
  4. Amazing – George Michael
  5. Sweet Love – Anita Baker
  6. Forever – Kenny Loggins
  7. World Turning – Fleetwood Mac
  8. Orinoco Flow – Enya
  9. Shakedown – Spyro Gyra
  10. Only ‘Cause I Don’t Have You – Harry Connick, Jr.
  11. If You Were Me – Elton John and Chris Rea
  12. Shameless – Billy Joel
  13. Roll Yer Own – Jethro Tull
  14. The Reflex – Duran Duran
  15. True To Life – Roxy Music
  16. Hope For The Runaway – Kenny Loggins
  17. Would I Lie To You – Eurythmics
  18. Eddie’s Coming Out Tonight – Night Ranger

I only know about 3 of these songs. Who the hell is Night Ranger? Douglas Spotted Eagle? Really? Can’t color code emotions to any of this crap either. Just don’t know what I was thinking. SIGNS OF LIFE IS NOISE. NOT MUSIC. The whole point of this playlist has been defeated.

Ultimate Apocalypse Build Order (Tyranids)

It pains me to say it, but the Tyranids have helped me tremendously in my Micro-Managing abilities with the Hivemind. It’s like having an invisible Farseer at my disposal who can never die. The Hivemind is eternal, and since it uses it’s own special resource (power), is largely independent of the build order, but nevertheless important. It’s key to understanding how nasty the Tyranids can be.

Phase 1 – Establish The Hive (0:00 – 2:00)

Builder set to reenforce to full squad size, and build either barracks
HQ: recruit another builder to build whichever barracks didn’t get built in the previous step
Hivemind: 2x Genestealers, each set to cap 1/2 the forward portion of the map, nearest first

Once the builders get done doing their thing, you will have some dead-time here where your Rippers are waiting for the Genestealers to cap the points so they can build Spore Chimneys on them. Do this until you have 5 or so points captured and posts built

HQ: research tier 1, and grab the first Genestealer adaptation tech

Phase 2 – Preparing The Swarm (2:30 – 4:00)

I will typically be capping and building Spore Chimneys into this phase. Once tier 1 is done, you can go find a slag pit if you have one, and harvest the huge requisition bonus they give. I make these a priority if they happen to be around. If not, start into upgrading every Chimney one time
Once all the upgrades are done, recruit both command units, and build 2x Warrior squads, fully reenforce
Buy the first increased economic intake technology
Build Carnifex barracks
Upgrade Gaunts, Lictors and Genestealers as much as can be done at this tier
Upgrade to tier 2 (680 Requisition)

As a note: by the time this is happening, you can hit 680R in a few seconds because you’re intake will be pretty insane. Like over +200 by the time you’re headed to tier 2. That might be less if you didn’t get a slag pit on your map.


Phase 3 – All Out Assault (5:00 – 11:00)

Hivemind: Drop those Hormagaunts once the 3rd of 3 techs is researched for all Gaunts. They are worth using as “filler” for your army and do hurt things when upgraded.
Attack: Upgrade all warriors with melee, set to assault, and march them in
Bloodlord: Once at level 8, build the 8 Genstealer command squad and set Lictors to autobuild
Hive Tyrant: Once at level 8, turn on his shield and build the 3 Hive Guards and send him in.

It’s important to only build the command squads once they are done with the command unit techs, because the tech menu will disappear as soon as his squad size is more than one.

If you get a chance, before you launch the full-out-attack, I’d use some of your resources to build Pools (the power generating structure for Tyranids) around the first 3 -4 posts that you have nearest to your base, build maybe 4 or 6 of them, to make your power intake go up, so you can use and recharge Hivemind abilities once the battle starts.

If you can’t kill them with THIS assault, go back to your base and reenforce this attack with more Warriors and Carnifex. Once the Carnifex get there, it’s usually over. Use the Hivemind in the assault to poison your foes or restrict their production of units and intake of resources. You can also, once into tier 3, rain meteors down on your foe’s base. Nice.

If you don’t win with this build I’d be surprised. Though, I JUST lost to Dark Eldar for the first time in seven games. Rather, I surrendered, seeing things getting out of hand rapidly. Make sure you research ALL technologies that make your Hormagaunts, Warriors, Lictors and Carnifex more powerful. It’s imperative that you make these little meats as strong as they can be when you march them off to war. They will die at logarithmic rates if you don’t do this, and that’s a great way to burn up your resources and get nothing for it.  You have to play Tyranids fast and smart. If you use what they give you, they can be mercilessly hard to stop. If you treat them like any other race, you will lose. They are special, deadly and disgusting. A great combination for my new 3rd favorite army in all of Ultimate Apocalypse.


Talking In Opposites

I have to behave in a way contrary to how I feel sometimes. It’s mostly because I’m second guessing myself all the time, and have no trust based on the initial emotional offering. I tend to justify my feelings as to why they exist. They usually have a good reason, unless we’re dealing with emotional symptoms, which can have no good excuse at all for being there. I am quiet, because I am a little scared of everything still. I’m not flourishing, I’m just starting to open back up again after being closed tight. I can’t say I’m ready to just pack up my stuff and move in to an apartment right now either. It’s a tough thing to admit, but when I’m alone, I get very sad and I cry. I get acutely lonely, and I act like I’ve been abandoned. Which I have not, but none of that seems to matter. It’s not about thinking my way out of some bad things, it’s just due to having been poisoned so many times. I’m fucking ruined if there is ever to be a next love. Ruined. All my training has broken down, the wheels have come right the fuck off this wagon. I am so judgmental about people and things, and it serves as my initial protection system, warding off perceived threats or other undesirables.

In the opposite direction, my arm is finally back to normal. What was that, 2 weeks? Just about. So, we’re drawing blood from the other arm next time, how ’bout. I’m getting in to another week of things to do, starting with Life Skills today at 1:00. I am GOING to get back to my exercises again this week, now that my arm can freely dangle at my side without causing me severe pain. I’m really hoping that this is the week DoR calls me and I get to go down to MHS and start finding me a job. I’m just so excited to get this aspect of my life moving. I’m getting to a healthy point of wanting my own space, my own “land” to manage. I need that responsibility so I can establish an independent sense of worth. But am I ready to go fly out there and do this right now? NO. But I’m damn close to being there. It’s going to land in the “Goldilocks Zone” of my success. Right when I’m ready to go, I’ll be needing to go. My parents want this to happen, and so do I. For sure. It’s all around, a good thing.

I’m a guy in flux. Changing for the better takes time and patience, and lots of measured successes. I have to build my fortress back up again. I’m down to my last villager and we’re scrambling for a place to hide and rebuild my empire. I can do this though. Because I want it back so bad, I’m willing to do what I need to in order to make that happen right.


Add more springs
Astride full flowers
Way went home
Past brittle stones
Along a beat path
Back on sorrow
Dry tastes the air
Accused of scandal
Beneath the woe
Thought she gone
But haunting steps
And wiped down smiles
Rude exchanges
Tepid with lies
Run tomorrow
Down old rails
Beamed to reason
Fraught with guilts
But stern headward bow
Against a storm

7 – 0

Seven wins, no losses. The Tyranids are not a deep tactical army, but rather, a very fast car with not much gas in it. We seem to be able to win with game times running under 15 minutes. Over that time, and most races will out tech Tyranids with some of the more dominant units in the game. But I haven’t had a game go over 15 minutes, and I’ve recorded seven straight wins: defeating Tyranids, Eldar, Sisters of Battle, Dark Eldar, Necrons, Space Marines, and Necrons again. I’ve got no doubts I can beat Tau or Chaos, as the AI tends to meander a bit with these two, and rarely do they put up a fierce enough showing to grab a win. I’ve not lost to either of those armies in some time. Don’t know what it is exactly, they’re just slow. I am most concerned with Necrons (because their sheer toughness is a bad matchup for fleshy Tyranids), and Dark Eldar (who seem to just MAUL everyone they play). And I beat both of them in a serious, bloody, sloppy, mess of victory.

My build order s pretty simple, and my armies are usually comprised of the same stuff no matter who I’m facing. Genestealers, fully upgraded, do nice melee damage, and are worth pursuing them fully to get their squad size up and damage increased. They do base 51 – 80 melee with 9 in a squad. Nice, and cheap! And they can be spammed from the Hivemind, which is how I will use them, with lots of targeted deep-strikes popping new battalions into the battle immediately. Warriors, with the melee claws weapons upgrade, comprise the fighting front of the first wave. With the Genestealers, and both command units built, the Tyranid army is a hard thing to stop. In fact, once I have these pieces in place, there are not very many things that they can do. The commanders are piece of cake to upgrade. 4 Serious. With no power requirements, no second resource to juggle, I can CRANK the upgrades through after reaching economic bliss as the tier 2 resource-gain upgrade finishes. I level listening posts once. They have no defenses on them, so going the full 400 requisition to get them fully fortified seems extreme. And a waste.

The turrets and stationary defenses have the same model, just one is bigger than the other. I think that’s kind of silly. I wish we could change that. But whatever, this is all temporary, as soon a whole new UA will be around to mess with, most likely merging these small changes as part of the overall overhaul. At least, I hope SOME of these models stay. The HQ I could do without. The old one was better. I like the new Carnifex (screamer-killer). I like his older full Carnifex brother as well. The Hive Tyrant is a nasty looking model. The Bloodlord is a fantastic model, bar none my favorite of the lot. Simple, sweet, horrifying. Like a Genestealer with a flesh-beard. Lictors look nice as well, in that tentacled sort of way.

I have been spending some time getting a handle on the build order, but it’s so simple it hurts. It has no real merit at the moment as I have yet to truly, convincingly say I have a sequence with the Tyranids. At the moment, my options are still somewhat open, depending on the map. A real build order leaves no question as to its dominance, and therefore, solidarity.

A simple mind is easily filled, with faith.

Family Matters

I’m just here to check in. Even though I’m not the most talkative cousin, I am one of the cousins. These are my extended brothers and sisters. We practically grew up together, spending almost every weekend in Boulevard. Also known as the family ranch, where my grandparents lived. We used to all just go out there and hang. All the kids would go down to the basement, start up some crazy game. We’d all come up to eat and sit at the bar. All the kids at the bar. Adults at the dinner table. That’s just the way it was. It was a lot of fun and good memories.

So now we’re mostly all here, hanging out together again. It’s not as insane as it used to be. But a good solid reminder of where I belong. These people are my family. No matter what, that’s not going to change. There will always be family. And new memories to be made with these fundamentally good people. I like being here, and there is no substitute for knowing where home is.


NEWS: Ultimate Apocalypse 1.74

Yes, I read the news release from the UA team today and my little mammal ears perked right up. I figured 1.74, the next major release for the Ultimate Apocalypse mod was not going to be due for close to a year. But it seems like funding has caused the mod to move quite rapidly in completing the work they began with the revamp in 1.73. I thought the races in 1.73 were very well balanced, nearly perfect even. But they did away with two races, one that I liked in particular, Inquisition Daemonhunters. They also subtracted the Chaos Daemons from the list of choices, as the race had not been balanced as the others had when 1.73 came out. Fuck. It was nearly released without Dark Eldar in it.

Anyway, the single-player campaign is of no use to me. I don’t care much for the scenario based RTS approach. I like games to be balanced. No strange objectives to accomplish, other than kill your foe. The plot-based scenarios don’t inspire me. Frankly, I could care less about the Warhammer 40K universe these things come from. Their fictional back stories are irrelevant. It makes them no less than what they are when I build them, able to do what I want them to do. But I’m glad that they will be making some sweeping changes to the game soon. Frankly, mixing it up every once and a while can’t be a bad thing. They released a damn near perfect product in 1.73, but now they might even incorporate the fan patch changes into the overall re-tune of the skirmish mode. I know that battles against Daemonhunters are extreme. Will used them in addition to Chaos Space Marines,  and I grew rapidly to hate the Inquisition’s commander unit. In the unbalanced pre 1.73 era, he was not destroyable. At all. His shield never went down and he killed everything I set near him. But that’s going to be different this time around. Now they will fully balance and embellish the two races left homeless after 1.73 was released. 1.74. I never thought I would have to be talking about it so soon. I remember waiting for 1.73. In December I was telling Will how they were going to release it soon, And then April showed up and we still had no mod. But thankfully, an April fool’s premier was just what we were hoping for. And we got the mod and it was good.

1.74 might end up being one of the last major overhauls of the mod altogether. I can’t see them tinkering with it much beyond adding back the lost races, balancing them, and then completing the single player campaign. That’s the whole game folks. There’s not much more to it, and honestly, skirmish balance is the hardest part of all of this work. It takes skill to make the races somewhat even, so that individual style and build order can be developed. I can’t wait to see what minor changes will be done to the other races. They are adding new units to Tau Empire as well, already started on a new battlesuit to debut in 1.74. Obviously, we’re all out here getting excited about the mod and the continued work being done to perfect it.

You guys just keep doing what you’re doing. I have zero complaints. I’ve noticed a few minor bugs in the help text, but that’s got to be about it. I’ll be on the lookout for news relating to this wonderful mod that just keeps getting better.


The Hive Must Grow

They kinda remind me of the Borg. Same mentality, kill, conquer, assimilate. They are driven to do one thing, and they do it well. The Tyranid army is fast, as I have been saying. The thing that primarily enables this rapid pace is the Hivemind, the Tyranid’s unique feature. It appears in your permanent command unit icon area, but when selected, reveals it is not a unit at all, rather, just a new build menu and some special abilities that all use Power, not requisition as the activating resource. Abilities vary from random spore strikes on visible areas of the map, to production inhibiting area of effect stuff. They can also slam huge flaming meteors into your base, once leveled. The Hivemind also allows you to build a unit, and deep-strike it to anywhere on the map where the fog of war has been lifted. Which is fucking sick to just drop whole squads of Hormagaunts or Genestealers right into the fray, without having them need to march out from a production structure. They just pop right in to the battle, ready to slaughter. I love this.

Also, they have a need for one to act quickly. Lingering around for economic upgrades will rapidly defeat the purpose of the Tyranid army: to take the field quickly owning all melee combat on the board, and recapping strategic points for economic suffocation. Because it’s damn near impossible to win on units, unless you happen to have a massive sum of them. I’ve been in skirmishes lateley, the last 3, where victory was achieved by placing power units in critical areas and restricting unit access beyond a slowly decreasing circle. Carnifex (Screamer-Killers) come in handy towards the end, when you need some serious firepower to combat the upper-tier stuff they brought out to counter the Warriors and Genestealers.

Victory comes at the hands of having all the unit-side power / toughness upgrades done before the tipping point occurs on the battlefield. My focal point, as it were, has been the arrival of fully upgraded Lictors which I have set to autobuild from the Bloodlord, once he’s been adequately upgraded. Then, with his infiltration turned on, he just sits there on enemy ground and cranks out a Lictor every few seconds. With 8 – 13 of them running around, structures tend to go down pretty fast. Commander units are toast, as Lictors eat them for lunch. Lictors represent the backbone of the army, with squads of Warriors upgraded for melee combat in there as well. Sometimes the first few squads of capping Genestealers are left over, so I buy them all the upgrades and turn them loose on the front lines. This has worked miraculously well, I must say. 3 tough opponents, all collapsed under this strategy.

I’ll be going through more testing today before my family has a big gathering this afternoon. I’ll be schmoozing with my fam, which I love, because they’re good people. Though, I don’t have anyone around to talk Ultimate Apocalypse with in that circle. As you may have noticed, I posted my letters back and forth with Will on the blog. I will continue to do so, as they accumulate. Anyway, hope you have a good Sunday. RTS on brothers.

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Nighttime Notations

It’s past my usual bed time but we just got done watching a movie and dinner. It was all very nice. Casual fun. More importantly is that I seem to have done well letting my sadness wash over and through me. As I figured it would. But enduring those moments can be rough. I talked with my dad some today. He told me he was very proud of the steps I have taken and that it’s clear I’m improving. All he really wants is for me to try hard and have a go of it. They both want me to succeed. I learn from my past and sometimes wear the shame of those missteps in the present. One thing I can bravely say is that I have not deluded you or myself in this whole process. I’m not telling the world a spun version of reality. It would be nice to have no regrets, but I own my past and am sorry. And directly responsible for it. My actions. My words. It’s all there for anyone to see, and I won’t live any differently. I think I’m pretty stubborn about certain things. But now I think I see why going this road alone is best. Other people are a risk, and can’t be depended on to value me in an appropriate way. What I need is the deep inner strength of the self emerging triumphantly from a cocoon. I am such a talented, amazing guy. Why should I waste time on losers, idiots or people who lie? Some people are just ok not living honestly. Some people say one thing but do another. I’ve learned the value of being honest. Even if it hurts or breaks reality, it’s necessary to have peace in my heart. I’m not a liar. I’m not a cheat. I’m not brave either, but things are improving. Back to that word. Improving. I can say with confidence that I’m doing it right this time, for me. I’m worth that.

Battle Journal: The Tyranid Army

With the graphics facelift, they sure are icky to look at. In a kinda good way. Regardless, I’ve been practicing against the Harder AI with them, with poor results indeed. I’ve gone 0-5 against the AI in it’s current configuration, most recently losing to the also revamped Necrons. I lost to Dark Eldar before that, whose tier 1 shit dissected my Hive Tyrant before anything got started. I need him to be alive, and have all his upgrades bought for melee combat, so he can git in there and slaughter. But he never even gets close to it, because something kills him somewhere 1/8 of the way through his upgrades. Crappy way to lose, considering the fucking Tyranids are the fastest army. It’s true though, and they can be really really fast, but only if marched down a narrow path between success and failure. I find myself losing mostly because I haven’t acted fast enough to obliterate my foe like I should have from the start of the game. I think Tyranids are designed to be the ultimate rush army because they can immediately reenforce and drop new squads out of the sky with the Hivemind. It’s got it’s own bar of special abilities and shit you can do to anything you can see, or even do stuff where you have no line of sight, but think they might be in there. It’s kinda awesome.

I digress, the real point here is that even though you pretty much only have to manage requisition intake, it’s critical you tech really really fast, and almost death if you spend any time on economic peripheral techs or whatever. I’ve focused on early economy every time so far, and not won. So I guess I’m at least learning a thing or two. Maybe I’ll just blitz them with early Genestealers and Hormagaunts and see how they handle being crippled within the first few minutes of the game. What a shitty thing to do… even to a computer. There HAS to be another way to win with these guys. Anyway, I’ll keep you appraised if my luck or strategy, or both, changes.

Terrible Anguish

I’m here feeling really sad about my life and it’s current manifestation. I guess I wish I was doing something I could be very proud of. Instead, I feel like organic waste. I feel like a pile of steaming compost. My heart is heavy and I can feel it in my chest like I swallowed a stone. It’s cold and unforgiving and not willing to listen to rationale. It just hurts and reminds me that through this part of my recovery, I must be alone. I’m not too good with that, because I’m affectionate and soft. I like to be loved. To give love. To have something invaluable like emotional bliss is more than I can bear thinking about. I’m so fucking far from being emotionally happy it’s not even fun to measure the distance to go still. It seems all so insurmountable. And I am sad to be constraining my parent’s lives with my situation. I would like nothing more than to succeed and lift the burden of my presence from them. But it’s all out of my hands right now. I even wrote a letter to Hope Connections about that possible IT job. Haven’t heard back from them. Haven’t heard from DoR either. Boy would I really like to do some stuff to make my life better. I hate being stuck. Waiting for others to decide my fate. It’s pretty fucked. But I didn’t want to be here. I was living my life until it collapsed. I was doing ok. I could have been doing a lot better, but that’s my future goal. For a reestablishment of my independent, dignified self. But I’ve never felt as “off” as I have been because of this most recent collapse. I put so much into that life. Now it’s gone and the memories are bitter. I remember the first time she stepped foot in San Diego. I was so damn excited to see her. To have this life with her that I planned. It was all such a huge mistake. I wish I would have known the kind of person she was. I wouldn’t have wasted my time. She’s the opposite of what I needed. A poison in the prerogative of denial. Of looking everywhere but within the self for answers. Like I did. Leaning on love like it could hold me up. When it never could. She never loved me like I thought she would. Love to her is like any other emotion. It comes and goes with the tides. Eventually she had no love left for me. When I loved her too much. Treasured her. But why? Because it was all I could understand about love. It was my only definition. I guess I’m writing all of this over again because I really have no other way of coping with this unquenchable sadness. I’m trying. I have not given up. But this is hard and I hurt. And someday, it won’t be this way. Someday, I’ll be me again.

Letters For Will

I miss talking to you often, and that’s mostly my fault. I’m in internet-lockdown mode and can hardly have much of an online presence. Skype is like out of the question for me. So I figured, hey, why not drum up some random conversation over email, that way you can take your sweet time in responding and get to it when you have the time. Adaptable discourse, let’s say. At any rate, I’m hopeful about some promising job leads I’ve been following up on. Maybe my departure from the temporary living space is closer than I think? Anyway, I’m making good steady progress, and measured successes. I’m rebuilding for just me this time, not for or because of anyone else.
I’ve had a lot of time to sit here and think about myself. It’s turned over some pretty serious trauma, and revealed the severity and seriousness of my mental health.I have to be superdooper on top of it.Haveto be, now, because all my future depends on my surviving a crisis alone.I needto be able to beself sufficient, if all else fails. It makes me eager, because I really want to try hard and prove to everyone that I can do it. Even if it is a great sum of difficulties, perseverance and progress prevail.I’ll just get right to it: Ultimate. Apocalypse.BUM BUM BUM!It’s the greatest RTS game I’ve ever played. I have lots of words about it already written on my blog. Pages and pages of countless game theories andpontifications. It’s actually garnered me a somewhat robust listening audience (mostly international) that read my game articles. I have over 350 active followers. It’skind of a lot. They often have things to say about my thoughts and the weird  shit I post up there. I want to talk to you all about Ultimate Apocalypse, and my ideas for the future. I see us doing some organized fun together sometime soon. SPOILER ALERT. There will probably be orange soda nearby.Anyway, be well friend. Let me know how things are doing goes.


Hey dude,

I’m super happy to hear how you’re pushing along and pushing forward. Do the jobs you’ve been looking into seem interesting? Tell me more!
I wouldn’t mind playing a few games of UA… man, I miss my buddy. I can’t wait till you are back on your feet and internet connected. :)
I’ve been trudging along with my job. Things are great here; I have no reason to complain, but at the same time I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected from my job. That’s a bummer. I am really appreciative to have a steady income though. This area of the world continues to be weird. This place is, in some ways, stranger than SF city. Apparently I live in a dangerous area where there are always cops. Just yesterday someone got shot by a cop not very far down the street. I guess this is just a very busy road, so maybe it’s just that. The difference between the tech world and the rest of the world is as obvious as always in this area. Very strange indeed.
I’m still waiting to get a car. This old roommate who has one to sell me keeps pushing back the date. I should move on, but I don’t have enough money to find many options. I can afford his car for the KBB price of $1,500. Any other craigslist $1,500 car seems like a complete gamble. Way too risky. They are all over priced here. A comparative car to the one my roommate has, with the KBB value of 1500 is listed on craigslist here for at least 3k. It’s ridiculous. So… instead of being screwed out of the little extra money I have, I have been waiting. And riding my bike. I hate that damn bike ride now. You’d think I’d start to enjoy it more as I got more fit. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m not a morning person and certainty not someone interested in riding a damn bike in the morning. Riding home from work is totally fine though. Anyway… I feel silly even half complaining. Things are so much better than they have been in the past. Things with Sandra are going well also.
I still want to figure out my way to change the world for the better. Income redistribution. I’m going to research that. Wiki says that term is about transfer caused by “a social mechanism such as taxation, monetary policies, welfare, charity, divorce or tort law”. Not really exactly what I was thinking. Maybe charity fits. Not fully selfless charity though. People need some good incentive.
Great idea with the email messages!
Thanks for the reply so fast. The job I have a good lead on is to become the IT department of the Hope Connections program thathas been helping me since I got out of the hospital. They just got a grant for expanding their services, and adding technical support is going to happen soon. They haven’t written a job description yet, but I am looking for it so I can go apply and then pull some strings or drop names or whatever I need to do to get back to work. I also enrolled in a program with a company called Mental Health Systems, and in reality, they’re a glorified employment agency that gets funding for placing mentally ill folks in jobs they enjoy. Hopefully, if the thing with Hope Connections takes too long I will be able tousetheMHS program to find similar work. Either way, I’m temporarily in limbo over a next move, waiting for someone to call me and tell me I’m enrolled.Yeah, I can understand about crime and whatnot. It was much the same story when I lived on Mills st. Lot of cops hanging around, especially those 2 gas stations. I guess it comes with the territory of inexpensive housing. You just make do with what you have and go forward regardless. At least the cops aren’t after YOU. Hehe.I know you’re somehow permanently hardwiredto be more active at night, so I’m very glad to hear that despiteit’s inconvenience of having to get up early, you still do. It’s not ideal, I get that, but still, proof to yourself that life is more valuable than sleep. Which is a good thing indeed.Since I’m pretty much at zero in my life, I am finding it hard to fully understand your ideas about sharing income. I mean, if you knew themoneywas being used for some good, and not abused, then I can see how this would work. But the world is fallible, and greedy, and not geared to take money and help people with it. You’d be better off writing your own unique contracts and becoming a personal humanitarian bank, getting friends and relatives and family financial help to secure their lives. At least you know a bureaucrat isn’t pocketing some share of what you intended to redistribute.Anyway, good on you for being out there and keeping your life in one piece. I’m proud of you. And more importantly, I admire and respect you, for your success and your perseverance. I can only learn good things from the model you have presented.I’m hopeful that I can be independent again in a few weeks, maybe a month or two. I’m not sure how things are going to line up, and I definitely need a job so I can build up enough money to go get me a residence again. All good things come in time, or to those who wait, or whatever. But this is something I can do, for sure. I want to get my hands back into tech support, and start helping people again. I feel empty and unfulfilled most of the time because this piece has been missing in my world. But not for long.

And yes, we will have us a game soon, but it will take me some time to get back to where I need to be for that to happen again. I have it as one of my goals, for sure. And YOU probably need to just download and start messing around with it, because I’ve had some time to play it, and figure it out. I’ve mastered 2 build orders, one with Tau Empire and the other Eldar. Believe it or not, the Tau build is largely melee, and the Eldar is ranged. Um, like, what? Yeah, opposite of how I have played them in the past, I am aware. But a much better, faster, deadlier build now than ever before. I leave the AI on Harder and can beat it every time, even if I dilly dally. It’s the Insane AI I have trouble with. It’s just SO FAST. So much faster than even I know how to go. It’s not reasonable to play that AI and expect to win at all. It’s damn near hopeless, unless you get them on a map where they have no good strategy(see, no markers) and THEN they will die. But that’s not often, and not because I was better.

Hope you have a swell weekend day. I’ve got family visiting from out of town, so I will be doing that for the next couple days here.


Ultimate Apocalypse: The Tyranid Leadership


First off, let me just say that these guys got a huge makeover. Things looked, well, shabby, until now. These buildings are the core objects that the typical Tyranid base will inevitably contain. It’s ambiance, folks.

Hive Tyrant (Commander). Level 8. 11276 HP. Squad Size = 1 + 3 Hive Guard. Melee 113 – 135 Ranged 145 – 170 damage. Upgraded with Scything Talons + Crushing Claws. Cost: 280R/0P

I adore this commander unit. I mean, how do you stop him exactly? The AI has no idea how to use him, or when to have him hold ground or flee. He can fly, also. Though the new model didn’t grow any wings when I researched the technology. I bet he still flies but has no animation for it. Or some such. Anyway, with those two upgrades, he’s clearly the centerpiece of the entire Tyranid army. Without him rallying the swarm, they have no hope. He seals the deal though, in a big way. He’s surrounded by a new honor guard of sorts, and he spews a cloud of pestilence all the time.


The Crushing Claws looked nice in this model’s rendering. The talons are huge. So, he’s beefcake, needless to say. Complimentary to him is the secondary commander, the Bloodlord. He’s smaller, faster, and not really intended to be the vanguard of any army, but a tactician, summoning troops and dispatching fast waves of Tyranids with little difficulty. He is a flesh wizard, summoning and upgrading himself with a series of extremity armaments and other useful things.  Like I said, he’;s not to be the front line guy, rather, somewhere in the back negotiating new troop assignments and rallying more of the swarm to the battle line.

Bloodlord (Commander). Level 8. 2430 HP. Squad size = 1 + 8 Genestealers. Melee 138 – 161 damage. Cost: 220R/0P


Together they account for the fastest army in all of Ultimate Apocalypse. I’ve found the Tyranids to be boring, because they have no tech selections and are driven only to make more Tyranids appear on the battlefield and make them stronger. It’s great if you like to Zerg your opponents with a great sum of meats. I’m not a big fan of winning by digestion. They are single-resource driven, with Power serving as a “special” resource for executing Hive-Mind commands and deploying special abilities, not for making buildings or units. This can get a little, um, tiring. It’s not as much fun to balance just 1, 2 is exciting. 1 is boring. Mostly 1 anyway.

It should be noted that since the Fan Patch, the Tyranid army has a relic commander unit that has no upgrade capacity. It’s rather like a, Avitar of Khaine, but fleshier. And also very big and buff. It does nasty things to units, demolishes structures in a few swipes.

Well there you have it. I took a stab at briefly summarizing and providing some commander flavored insights. The melee damage numbers on these guys has got to be off by a mile. I don’t think it computes a new figure when you chose upper and lower extremities on the Hive Tyrant. Which is why I listed them, so you have some idea about his likely damage output.


Fan Patch Continued…

I’ve had a look at the changelog. Primarily the Necrons’ infantry and some resource costs were tweaked to make Necrons go faster. No argument from me, they’re already the slowest of all the armies. Easily. And the Tyranids got a cosmetic change in all the neat-o models got updated or optimized or something. Anyway, they were a bit cartoonish, and now they look “wretched.” In a good way. They horrify, and are clearly a huge improvement over the old models. Tyranids just look rad now, seriously rad. I might have to make a post on them in not too long here, since screencaps are going to be a load of fun! Tyranids would be #4 on my preferred races list in my strategy game preferences page. If it had a 4th entry anyway. I like them, even if they are a bit rudimentary.


In short, I’ve not used the Necrons so who’s to know what has changed or has stayed the same? I think this was all done as a result of no new update from the core mod team until 1.74, when the single player campaign and Inquisition Daemonhunters will be back. With more balance tweaks obviously, because most of you are playing Chaos Space Marines, which I hate. I’m never doing a post on them, forget it. I have to face them every time I play with will, and I’ve grown quite resentful of them. I won’t go there, as I’m perfectly satisfied with Tau. I’ll beat the shit spittoons out of you with Tau. No doubt.


But nevertheless, I vow to have a Tyranids post up here in no time at all, I’ll take my oath on it.

Ultimate Apocalypse Fan Patch?

I didn’t know the team was down with doing this, but they posted a new download on ModDB which constitutes some gameplay tweaks for some of the factions, and other minor changes. Apparently my beef with the Necrons is legit, because across the board, people have been calling for change. It seems the Necrons get going too slow, or don’t have anything worthwhile/useful until much later down the tech tree. Which to me, explains why the Necrons leave me alone for well over the noted 4 minute rush threshold. I usually never see them until I go looking to start a fight with them, and at that point, I’m well on the way to winning. If I got to do my whole build-up without any interruption then I probably win. It’s sorta important to make your foes aware of one’s presence on the battlefield, otherwise, you’re stuck in the waiting realm, not knowing when or where the hammer is going to fall.

I have downloaded and installed the fan patch, so let’s see what that does. Maybe Necrons will get going a little bit faster, or have something more formidable when I do come marching into their area.

Insane Once More!

I’ve got this build order down for Eldar that I’m pretty stoked about. It’s fast, and very hard to stop. I start with the bare essentials, economic upgrades only after tier 2 is researched, and no units until tier 2. Minimum. If you haul-ass up to tier 2, and then hit them with a serious fast-moving threat, there’s no way to beat that. I’ve seen them try upwards of 4 times now. But this most recent victory came against the Insane AI, which I throttled the same way I did the Harders. Those Fire Dragons might be OP or something, because they gutted Space Marines’ base in less than 1 minute. They just walked right through it, smashing everything in their way. They even reeled and built a second HQ farther down the map, but it was no use, by then the Warp Spiders has closed in and there were no more units of any kind, on the map. Down to a HQ and then dead.

The I attacked first, but they couldn’t handle the first group of Wraithlords. They managed to kill 1 of 3. But by then, ranged infantry was getting out, and the Dark Reapers all died because I needed them to buy me some time. It worked, because then I had Fire Dragons, and all their big Dreadnaught things died fucking boom. And vehicles tried to run away, but died attempting to flee. Then I gained a bunch of ground that they were vacating, realizing the tier 1 stuff they had was not going to cut it against me. They ran for cover, and I chased them right back to the HQ and killed them.

I had a strange therapy session, where my therapist actually got intimidated by me, and the way I was talking. I think I may have overwhelmed her with eagerness to explain my peculiar self-rhetoric. I was attempting to explain that I have to be overly-selective in making any kind of relationship right now, because I am trying to rebuild myself, alone. I need to do this rehabilitation for myself, and without the need of another person or for another reason other than, me. I deserve to live a full life, for my own sake, because I am unique, special, and worth defending. Even if the fucking armies are closing in on me, I still have to be ok with myself, in order to know that I can survive for my own sake. That has to be enough to inspire me to my ultimate heights, where the ceiling of what I can achieve with my life is within reach. I truly hope that this goal of mine is not too lofty, but crafted out of an understanding of the gradual arc of slowly, correctly, built success. I tried to explain my ideas about what friendships should be about, but she called me “idealistic.” I think maybe you’re “pessimistic.” How about that? How rude.

Anyway. I tend to think that If I want to life my life for myself, I had better follow a pretty solid set of rules. I need the structure, to hold me to my moral compass. To guide me in a crisis. I need to be able to do these things alone, and in the event that a new person was to me added to the equation, it better be because of some fucking good reason. I’m not going to be your friend just to say that I am, If you don’t have anything useful to add to my life, then I probably don’t want to talk to you. Is that idealistic? Or just picky? I mean seriously, that’s not even as extreme as I can be. this is moderation folks. You get what you get.

I don’t know how today’s run in with my morality will play out over the course of our next meetings, but I get the feeling we won’t be going back to that area, for her sake I guess.

Ultimate Apocalypse Game Theory: The Ranged Eldar

I’ve been experimenting with much faster build orders lately, trying to apply my success with the Tau to my other favorite factions. At the moment, I’m concerning myself with a mastery of speed Eldar, which is fun because they’re sure fucking built for it. Listening posts at 80 requisition, for example. Yeah, money. So, not to distract myself to much here, but the point is, some units are useful with the Eldar much earlier than others. Like the Dark Reapers, which have 2 upgrades available at tier 2, and Third once you hit tier 3. All to weapon damage. Sick, right? And also a clue, pointing me towards a build order focused on getting nasty ranged units on the field with only a handful of vehicles as backup. And those vehicles are usually a Wraithlord (or six) in melee mode hammering structures or making short-work of infantry. Then, hopefully, the picture is becoming clear. With ranged units at tier 2 that immediately counter other larger units, like big vehicles or aircraft or reenforced structures. Fire Dragons kill everything that’s not an infantry unit. Easily, once upgraded. And Warp Spiders do wicked things to units, but have little affect on buildings or other armored things.

My battles have gone like this: I am largely left alone for 6 minutes or so before I am forced to address the military issue. Or build a counter unit, or some such. But by then, I can build Wraithlords, which take over on melee immediately, and then build Warp Spiders, Fire Dragons or bring my left over Dark Reapers along to finish off stragglers. This has not failed me yet. There seems to be no stooping a pissed-off Wraithlord. It can maul damn near anything that could try and harm it, or put a stop to it. They struggle against aircraft, but that’s what the Fire Dragons are for! They annihilate armored vehicles and anything even vehicle flavored, and on top of that, they punish structures. They can raze an entire fortified position in moments… which is the fastest of any counter-unit I have yet seen. Mixed ranged squads control the true battle-line, as they march, slowly tightening the noose. Typically leave them in the hold ground stance, so they don’t get kited off anywhere (which the AI will try to do mercilessly, and trick them into running through mine fields and such, very MM). Then, as the Wraithlords work the threats to a minimum, the ranged units just walk forward, purging the land of anything enemy as they go. It all works rather seamlessly, even at the cost of a few Wrathlords losing it somewhere along the way. They have weaknesses, namely, rockets. But they serve a function of engaging the AI’s melee units and keeping them busy while the ranged units work the real power, and demolish things that the Wraithlords are being attacked by, or happen to be near. Their Line Of Sight (LOS) is critical to establishing ranged dominance. They can shoot farther than they can see, but with a greatly expanded LOS, they kill, mercilessly.

I think this strat has a cogent build order, but right now I don’t think listing it out is worthwhile. I’m still in flux, myself, over it’s sequence. I’ve been working with the first few establishing moves Eldar has to make in order to go win later. I still am murky on the very first military, and what unit works the best to pair with the Dark Reapers to keep them safe. Reapers have no melee attack whatsoever. Like a much better beefier Fire Warrior squad. Anyway.

I’m going to have that build order figured out soon enough, and when I do, you’ll no doubt be the first to know about it.

Whackazoid Virus On The Loose

I should have you trained by now, to be expecting some form of playlist every few days. This is no exception, being born of a desire to hear more professional caterwauling and other forms of noise that you may or may not find amusing. I had a smile on my face the whole way through the album. No room for woe on this party train!


  1. Take On Me – a-Ha
  2. Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel
  3. Easy Lover – Phil Collins & Philip Bailey
  4. Africa – Toto
  5. Gemini Dream – The Moody Blues
  6. Head Over Heels – Tears For Fears
  7. Castles In The Sand – Seals & Crofts
  8. Flesh ‘n Blood – Oingo Boingo
  9. Love Shack – B-52’s
  10. Sonnet – The Verve
  11. Killer Queen – Queen
  12. Stealin’ Time – Gerry Rafferty
  13. Jet – Paul McCartney & Wings
  14. Hey Nineteen – Steely Dan
  15. Back In The High Life Again – Steve Winwood
  16. Don’t Answer Me – The Alan Parsons Project
  17. I Know You’re Out There Somewhere – The Moody Blues

Humans To Mars By 2037?

I really have my fears that even that somewhat forgiving deadline is still not reachable. Why? I mean truly if we put enough money into a thing, it’s bound to happen. But is going to Mars a priority for this society? Do most Americans know what Mars is?

I find the goal to be interesting, If our objective is to establish land-based operations (with Mars’ gravity being roughly 1/3 ours). That seems rough. There’s no way to train for that. You can strand yourself in a barren environment and only wear a suit outside, but the GRAVITY you can’s fake. You will know when you get there. I guess. But we sure can calculate for what is going to happen to us when we get there, and how hard it is going to be to establish a self-sustaining colony there. We can’t even zip up our own flies half the time. Why should we care about going to Mars, other than that going there is pretty fucking cool?

We plan to, first, grab a Near Earth Object and corral it into an orbit around the Moon, and then go send people to it and land on it for samples or whatever. Isn’t that insane? A fucking asteroid no larger than a room. Why should it cooperate? What the fuck are we thinking?

This is their whole big plan though. And now we have to miss the minimum distance in 2018 or sometime around there, when Mars was really really close. 2037? Holy shit man, I’m never going to make it.

But hey, if we can somehow unanimously convince ourselves that going to Mars is an objective we need to see through, then surely put it to America to do that job correctly. We’ve been the only ones to go to the Moon so far. GO top that before you come at me with your 3rd world space program.

4 Minutes, 44 Seconds

Hard job making a playlist out of the 60 or so songs of that exact length.Why? WHY NOT I SAY! I came to the number due in large part to a math fail. There you have it.

Made a pretty remarkable set, once I trimmed the list and organized the tracks. BEHOLD:



  1. Mercy Street – Peter Gabriel
  2. Hard Habit To Break – Chicago
  3. How Much I Feel – Ambrosia
  4. Praying For Time – George Michael
  5. I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues – Elton John
  6. Only You – Harry Connick, Jr.
  7. Escapade – Janet Jackson
  8. Ramblin’ Man – The Allman Brothers Band
  9. Island World – Hiroshima
  10. Head – Prince
  11. Jack-A-Lynn – Jethro Tull
  12. Let Me Take You Home Tonight – Boston
  13. Heartbeat – Wham!
  14. Little Tin God – Don Henley
  15. Meadows – Joe Walsh
  16. My Life – Billy Joel



I have been contemplative of late. I’m thinking a lot about songs, music playing in my mind. I think about stuff… sad songs bring back memories of what things used to be like. When I was in love and happy, and living. I put together a pretty solid run there, from the end of 2012 to the beginning of 2014. I did well and thrived. I just didn’t have a job that understood my difficulties, or a partner for that matter. I think she always sympathized with my disability, but never really understood it. I mean, how can you know I carry this terrible weight and then have THAT be the reason for abandonment? I guess I have this pervading nostalgia when I think about her. It makes me feel gutted, empty and woozy. I reel at the hollow space in my soul where love once shown brightly. I don’t intend on nourishing that avenue much either, as the future days climb up upon us. I need to discover self-sufficiency and interdependence. I can do that, though it’s hard and hurts sometimes.

I have a lot of time to think about this stuff… probably why I’m so hungry to write… a deep need for understanding is filled by the acknowledgement of my words. I report my progress to others, but really, no one is here paying attention to what I’m doing with my moments. I’m left to my own devices, which has some benefits and also some clear drawbacks. I’m not the best keeper of tasks, I’m not the best motivator. I do what I can, given the circumstances.

For now, I’m just glad I have this blog: a place to reconcile my ever turbulent mind. My little slice of sanctuary. I hope you out there have one too, whatever shape that takes for your life. It’s healthy, so why not.

My arm is almost back to full power. Still have some pretty nasty pain when I extend, or push while extended. It’s the blood vessel that got fucking torched, I can see the bruising in my arm. A lot of work to do there to make my arm back to the way it was before last Tuesday.



I didn’t mean that to sound foul. It’s the current skirmish AI difficulty setting in Ultimate Apocalypse that I am using. I was trying Insane for a while, but then I couldn’t do anything to stop them from getting to tier 3 ahead of me, or getting some relic unit out and fucking me up the ass with it. Back on Harder, the AI rushes at 4 minutes in every time, I’ve just compensated by having a few nasties of my own out there. It’s been working, I must say, especially when I play the Tau Empire. Using them is funny, because they are clearly two distinct races working together, representing the division between melee and ranged. Since they are technically separate, it is possible to research both up to tier 3 (with tier 4 being universal to path chosen). It takes more time to do this, naturally… but the payoff is to have the full force of your army established, with Krootox fighting beside the XV89 Bodyguards. It’s supposed to be balanced, but it’s really only possible to get both trees up to tier 3 if you stall your foe for a while, somehow. Keep them busy eating something you let them chew on, then reenforce with a new wave of both melee and ranged, Kroot Alphas charging as Barracudas inundate the enemy with burning plasma and exploding missile pods. I played a game on the Moonbase map (which is a bit of a snag, because there’s no slag pit to build a big power generator on, so it’s really up to your 6 in base generators, and the economy techs), and I had swapped control of the middle a few times. When I directed the final assault, There was no point where the AI was able to stop me. I marched, uninterrupted into Dark Eldar’s base and mauled them grizzly bear style. In other words, I went in their base, and killed all their dudes. Pwned.

Really, it’s a great afternoon where anything is possible. I have the evening to myself, and I intend to fill it with entertainment and orange juice.

relic00084 relic00091 relic00094 relic00099 relic00104


relic00125 relic00130 relic00131 relic00122

Same Old Lang Syne – Dan Fogelberg

Met my old lover in the grocery store
The snow was falling, Christmas Eve
I stole behind her in the frozen foods
And I touched her on the sleeve

She didn’t recognize the face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse
And we laughed until we cried

We took her groceries to the checkout stand
The food was totaled up and bagged
We stood there lost in our embarrassment
As the conversation dragged

We went to have ourselves a drink or two
But couldn’t find an open bar
We bought a six-pack at the liquor store
And we drank it in her car

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how

She said she’d married her an architect
Who kept her warm and safe and dry
She would have liked to say she loved the man
But she didn’t like to lie

I said the years had been a friend to her
And that her eyes were still as blue
But in those eyes I wasn’t sure
If I saw doubt or gratitude

She said she saw me in the record stores
And that I must be doing well
I said the audience was heavenly
But the traveling was hell

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to time
Reliving in our eloquence
Another ‘Auld Lang Syne’

The beer was empty and our tongues were tired
And running out of things to say
She gave a kiss to me as I got out
And I watched her drive away

Just for a moment I was back at school
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home
The snow turned into rain

There’s No “I” In Dead

It’s true that since those 4 skirmishes I haven’t won a single round of Ultimate Apocalypse, since changing the AI setting to Insane. I think I’ve lost more than 4 now, to Eldar most recently… they didn’t rush at 4 minutes, which was a relief of sorts. I had time to build my economy. But holy shit did that not matter. About 2 minutes after what I expected to be the rush, a great silence fell on the field. I had next to nothing, so I cranked Barracudas, Hounds and the Alphas. Now, I didn’t lose right away… I held them at bay until I had both ranged and melee tier 2 buildings out. I built the ranged commanders, but by then it was too late. They had an Avatar of Khaine and he walked all over me. Killed 4 Krootox in a matter of moments, and then did the same to my XV89 Bodyguards. EEEEP.

7barry 9hound 11krootox 8alpha

I know, right? So, I’m at an impasse. Maybe I’ll reduce the AI setting and see if my build order will work or not. If it can kill a Harder I’s be ok with that. I asked the Ultimate Apocalypse Facebook group about what AI settings they use, and most are on HR. Whatever.




Do you ever get to feeling small? As though under the weight of some gargantuan? I find my stillness interrupted by wandering worries; the pestilence of anxiety. Perhaps there is something more to this than the simplicity of meditation, perhaps that the more organized and objective my unique thoughts become, the more they are fulfilled by recognition. It is being seen that these feelings really only desire. They boil like a frightful sea, but in the end, they amount to little more than steam. I think I will go on struggling this way for many years to come, because how can one become so reasonable as to parse individual thoughts and emotions as though they were playing cards? I don’t think that is a reasonable objective. Instead, I’d like to suggest we practice the slow diligence of meditation; the quiet release of the breath. I find tranquility in the sound of my breathing… as it passes through me. The feeling of its arrival. The ease of its departure. Over and over.

But I’m not good at this by any stretch. I’m a work in progress, but a willing one; prepared to make discipline of a belief. In some sense, it’s one of the few things I can actively control, and yet, the capacity to do so is in need of maintenance. I don’t recoil at the thought of practice, but I do recognize it as difficult… because it is. Mindfulness.

I am in a contemplative state. I find the hours of the evening dwindling. The charisma of the day is short on exuberance, all bedded with the tired of sleep. I can’t fathom the strain of being the sky, the sun, the stars. It’s a big responsibility. Certainly more than I pretend to understand, but clearly something larger than myself. In the vast unknown of all that surrounds us, I’m little more than a blade of grass. An organism directed to survive as it should, as it was programmed to do by instinct. It’s overcoming this instinctual compulsion that lies at the heart of my contemplative meditations. I have a measured control over it now, where before it ran free, unbroken, untamed. Instinct can drive the gears of survival, but when and where? My “execute appropriate emotion” command is totally fucking broken. We know this by now. I need a chance to catch my feelings by their coat-tails and address them. I yearn for these emotions to get what they want, the attention of understanding. Isolating them, stuffing or otherwise not coping will only imbibe failure.

I wonder about the future, not in the usual anxiety-driven sense, but instead, with an openness to what unexpected things await us all. We’re just as likely to go on with or without inspiration, but it is the randomness of time, the whim of change, that never-ending puzzle of chance… that is the mystery of life, of living. We don’t become alive and aware to then NOT pay attention to our world. People are driven by their senses, they are our strongest guides. But trust them as they should be, not becoming more than they can ever be. Our minds are a sense too, because it there that we make the decisions based on sensation, or input. We trend as we were built.

To break free of restraint is to understand the depths of the self. This is the primary objective in my introspective life reconstruction effort. I’m determined to build myself up strong, and solid as I am, for who I am, for what I can be.

It’s my hope that this blog, this little creative outlet I have for my thoughts, can mark the tides coming in and out. They are on the rise now, and may be headed to never before seen heights. We may be headed for disaster. Who knows? That’s why we play the game.

Gospel Of Progress

I’m proud of myself right now. I know things COULD be zooming right along at hyper-speed… but in reality, I’m much happier with the pace we’re on now (even if I give myself a hard time about it). I’m able to look at what I have to do without the clutter of additional responsibilities hanging around to make that harder. I can focus on my objectives, accomplish measurable steps en route to success. Goals I have, and lay down carefully as to not derail myself by overwhelming the system. I know I’m fragile, as my past has indicated. History deserves respect, else, how do we hope to evolve beyond our limitations?

I’m launching this week. I sure hope I get that DoR call and can start going to MHS. But even if I don’t get the call, I have things to do. I, with my dear Moo, are launching our business together, finally, after talking about doing it for weeks. I went ahead and claimed the Etsy page, and Facebook page as well. We’re calling ourselves: Dig That Jewelry. Nice huh? We are working on photographing out stock right now, and we’ll soon be rolling along with a fully-operational store and whatnot. Once we get a ground-floor laid down, we can expand into weekend shows and craft fairs. In truth, this is a project based on an abundance of time and a commitment of effort. This will not be at all successful unless we dump time and energy into it. Which we are prepared to do.

I also posted an ad on craigslist looking for short-term computer repair work. I don’t know if this will generate any leads, but eh, it’s worth trying for. I’d hope that I could get SOME work out of it. Maybe. We’ll see.

I can’t say that I agree with my ex’s assessments of my situation. I’m doing fine. I’m a bit brokenhearted still, as being abandoned takes time to get over, for me. I know inside myself, that I can do this. And I believe in myself, and the direction my life is now going. All of that is muy bueno.

I will keep the fires burning.

The “Boink” Of Reality

Remember how I said that I played 4 skirmishes and won all?

How quickly things change… because now I’ve lost 2 to Orks and Eldar. In the Eldar game, they had tier 3 infantry out before I had even started the research. Maybe I was really stoned and tired so therefore not at my best? I’m desperate for a reason to explain this anomaly of defeat. I am intent on continuing at this difficulty level, mind you. I will be challenging myself as best I can with no human opponents to lean on for variance.

Well then. It’s a new week this morning. I have my life skills class today, which I am excited about. I’m going to try to get back to that DBSA meeting, but I’m not really clicking with the lack of a coordinator. I read the lyrics to The Heart Of The Matter, and cried my eyes out. Just really bonked me yesterday. I don’t really have much to say. I’m doing fine, all things considered.

The Heart Of The Matter – Don Henley

I got the call today,
I didn’t wanna hear…
But I knew that it would come.
An old true friend of ours was talkin’ on the phone–
She said you found someone.
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through–
And how I lost me and you lost you.
What are these voices outside love’s open door–
Make us throw off our contentment–
And beg for something more?

I’m learning to live without you now.
But I miss you sometimes.
The more I know,
The less I understand–
All the things I thought I knew,
I’m learning again.
I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter–
But my will gets weak–
And my thoughts seem to scatter–
But I think it’s about–
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore.

These times are so uncertain–
There’s a yearning undefined.
A people filled with rage.
We all need a little tenderness–
How can love survive,
In such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance–
That can lead to happiness,
They’re the very things,
we kill, I guess…
Pride and competition–
Cannot fill these empty arms!
And the work I put between us,
You know doesn’t keep me warm.

I’m learning to live without you, now.
But I miss you, baby.
The more I know, the less I understand.
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again.
I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter–
But everything changes–
And my friends seem to scatter–
But I think it’s about–
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore.

There are people in your life who’ve come and gone–
They gonna’ let you down–
You know they hurt your pride!
Better put it all behind you; cause’ life goes on…
You keep carrin’ that anger, it’ll eat you up inside, baby…

I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter,
But my will gets weak–
And my thoughts seem to scatter–
But I think it’s about–
Even if, even if you don’t love me…

I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak–
And the ashes will scatter–
So I’m thinkin’ about–
Even if, even if you don’t love me…


I’ve got some confidence in my current build order. So much so, that I cranked the skirmish AI up to the highest setting (Insane) I. I just said: “well, what the fuck do I have to lose?” I guess it’s the optimist in me, but I figured I could do it.

Result of 4 skirmishes against the I: 4 wins.

Why the fuck is this happening? I thought the sequence was good… maybe not competitive against a human, but this? I won against Space Marines, Chaos, Tyranids and Necrons. All with no problem whatsoever. I don’t really know if it’s because of the changes I made to the sequence… or if somehow the skirmish Insane AI is fucked up and doesn’t work right. But I was challenged in each game at some point. Necrons I had to go after because they weren’t moving fast enough. I obliterated them with 7 Barracudas and 2 squads of Hounds.

It takes me less than 17 minutes; every game has been close to 15. Things escalate quickly and I gain economic superiority fast, and then I crank the same unit until I can’t build any more of them (cap out).  I usually only ever need to grab 1 slag pit and upgrade intake twice, sometimes just once. Shit yo.

So, is this a strat I can go public with or what? I want to try it out on a human, but I have no peers to do so with. I am going to really lay it all out and name it something clever; eventually becoming a new post at some future date. I think I will keep smashing the monkey-shit out of the AI, because this is fucking fun. Really.

I have never played at THIS LEVEL before. I think I’m really getting something useful out of this, given the human implications. Hopefully, this prevails. More testing is needed though.

So bai.


Soap With A Prize Inside

The bounty of reason is understanding, and paired with it are the stern disciplines of learning. Pestilent eruptions of the sour state can perturb the objective. I find my medley in the mass-confusion of anxiety-laden emotions, and the “cool change” of logic. I have a subject determined by the shifts of the air, and a temperament as turbulent as planes under altitude. I have the sown seeds of beneficence; instructed from the start by the gilded hands of unconditional love. Who’s prosperous heights did rival the towers of old; who’s decadent exuberance did cast the boy into the role of joy. I comprehended the innocence of love without condition or end. Only then to be challenged in the elementary institutions of public conformity. Where identity went by the wayside, and the acceptance of the horde assumes a paramount position of importance. In the frail summer of trials, I was baked and subsumed into the larger entity of community, population. Scored by the masses unperturbed, then cowering to standards beneath moral cooperation. Individuality gone, bored and lost in pages of nonsense. In the forum of society, sallow urine stained bedsheets and all, twisted into a sickly sweet subversion of the self. Becoming a fool, jester of the corporate front. Undoing the scars of history, bound forever to recognition, trying in emulated gestures. Profoundly unaware as the density of bricks. But this is where we are. All hands raise the colors of combat. A duel between the contained and the unrestrained. Assaults the memory with a firey fragrance built to fruition. Totaled and rolling down the sum, passes like moons over the stars; behind the darkness is want.

Playlist: The Rhetoric Of Flowers

Going through emotions, I find the best way to express how I am feeling, in all it’s various facets, is to use a medium that can support an eclectic expression of ideas. I often turn to music to help me get things processed. I like that, because it seems to generate a very fulfilled sensation, as though I know my thoughts got responded to.

Typically, I’ll generate one of these playlists over a period of hours. I literally go through the alphabetical list of artists until I have around 80 songs or so selected that match my feelings. From that point, I crop the tracks until the playlist runs somewhere under 1 hour 20 minutes. That is pretty much the only criteria for this thing. It’s just so much fun, and answers a need to be seen from myself. After having constructed the sequence below, I feel uplifted, acknowledged and expressed.

This one goes out to all the broken hearts out there, aching in silence. The ebb and flow of the emotional sea is ever-churning. Be prepared to feel.

  1. Expecting To Fly – Buffalo Springfield
  2. Under The Bridge – Red Hot Chili Peppers
  3. Cool Change – Little River Band
  4. Wild World – Cat Stevens
  5. Spinning The Wheel – George Michael
  6. Shape Of My Heart – Sting
  7. Down To The Waterline – Dire Straits
  8. Your Song – Elton John
  9. Check It Out – John Cougar Mellencamp
  10. September – Earth, Wind & Fire
  11. Sanctuary – Ian Anderson
  12. I’m A Loser – The Beatles
  13. Long Train Runnin’ – The Doobie Brothers
  14. Shoot To Thrill – AC/DC
  15. I Get Around – The Beach Boys
  16. Animal – Def Leppard
  17. Untitled – Live
  18. Smooth – Santana & Rob Thomas

A Morning Dance

I’ve had my head in the world of new music lately. I discovered the brilliance of Billy Joel’s 52nd Street, then had a grand time learning The Who’s Tommy. I just found out about how awesome Gerry Rafferty is, for example.

I haven’t grown up in a sheltered musical environment by any stretch. My parent’s music collection is what I grew up with, so, there are bound to be a few dated oddities in there… like Steeleye Span or Renaissance. You see… this has been a stumbling block of sorts in my life. No one I have ever been with jived with my musical preferences. I listen to what I was brought up with, and enjoyed it thoroughly. Frankly, I find most modern music to be abhorrent. Rap and most thing R&B I will pass on. To me, music is about the quality of the sound, the instruments, the beats, the lyrics and how they’re composed. All that said, Lady GaGa is this generation’s Madonna.

Every genre has it’s good and it’s bad, obviously. I don’t just blanket love everything antiquated. I’m still picky.

But who to share this excellent collection with? Ah, the greatest mystery of all. And not one that needs an answer anytime soon, hehe.

Speaking of mystery… I read a poignant and sharply worded reply from Jax to one of my earlier posts (on her blog, in reply to me, I suppose). I really wish she would have posted the rant as a comment so you all could see it. I don’t like judging things like this, because it takes away from an understanding of content/message. I’m not really sure what the hope is in retaliating, or getting all worked up about something anyone with eyes can see. I don’t get flabbergasted because I live in a tent, as though I’m somehow surprised by a truth I’ve known all along. I have selected my lot and am intent on sticking with it until “better” rolls around. That’s just me (which I guess is a destructive way of thinking, according to objectors). And frankly, this whole topic was never really open for discussion. You decided to respond in your own limited, dimensionless, usual capacity, and in such a way that seeks no resolution, but responds as a defense-mechanism (driven by rage) does; by lashing back and objecting to the points that are (quite) indisputable. I don’t argue when it comes to things that just happened one way and not another.

But she’s right that for a time, I would not help myself. This is true. I was so strung out on work, that I had pushed all my “self-worth” chips into the center and bet it all to win. Trouble there, is when I started to break down under the stress, I lost my identity as I lost a place to function at work. I let work be the column that held up my sky.  Even in your somewhat deluded state, I know you can see how that job was my world, and it consumed me. And why is your reaction to my situation to abandon me? If I can’t hold myself up… hmmm… fuck him, we’re out of here! Right? Did it go another way that I’m not aware of? I was there too, IN CASE YOU FORGOT.  I saw that when things were at their worst, you wanted out, and took the first solid exit opportunity you could. That happened. I don’t know how you make that turd smell better, but I applaud you for your efforts in trying.


Dr. Kower agrees. She said to me that she tried to stop the collapse by going with my med changes that I was recommending… but even she knew, based on what I was telling her every few weeks, that it was doomed to fail. That was hard, being effectively “squeezed-out” of my job and my disability’s symptoms were already charging back into my life.

So what does any of that matter?

I know some new things now that I didn’t know about myself. And I’m improving. To me, this all seems like I’m headed in a positive direction and whatnot. I’m not sprinting towards glory or anything, but who is really?

Your words, Jax, don’t carry the load of truth with them. Instead, they are eased with lies, misconstrued facts and bitterness of some form. I’ll not participate in the rhetorical exchange. It doesn’t matter to me anymore.


What’s really going on here is that the end of our arrangement has come, and now it’s time for a cool change.