Ached

I’m tweaked somehow. My alignment is now a bit off. And I don’t at all approve of the change. To my aggravation, this harmless gesture of resting my arm on a table is clearly a punishable crime. Heaven forbid I should slump awkwardly.

So besides that, tomorrow is a social day at work. We are all going to be social with our new coworkers and mingle. I guess. Frankly I’d rather be shadowing trained employees. I go there to work, and it feels weird having to monkey around that’s an order BOOT.

The tone of that whole thing just then was oppressive. My boss admitted to taking medications for depression, and another new hire takes a mood stabilizer. Their words, not my spin. So, am I thinking of letting my guard down? Fuck no.

I’m an intelligent and ambitious foe. I will strive to learn a thing until I am sure I have learned it really good. And then I can be confident in my actions and let this suave motherfucker take over. People love me. It’s a fact. On the phone, I must sound really good or something but people like talking with me. Studies have shown.

But enough noise from my own horn. How about that beautiful blue California sky? Every day, I’m amazed at how teeny tiny we are, and how much gas is trapped around our particularly dense planet. It’s all piled up for me to stare at, every day. You know, it’s not magic that keeps the atmosphere here… It’s being HELD here, and it wants desperately to escape, but it can’t, because the Earth has an extra big iron core that makes it more dense, and through which, gravity holds our air here. In reality, just outside that friendly blue sky is the unforgiving vacuum of space. It’s pulling too, baffled that the Earth can pull harder. Just behind the sky, the whole universe is watching.

Taking In The Good

I’ve learned something: it’s hard to afford ourselves the precious moments of satisfaction that come as the result of a triumph. Whether is be through association of direct connection, a compliment has a way of being disregarded or viewed as less because we somehow feel that we don’t deserve to hear the good. In that sense, it’s largely about criticism, which is a poor way to be constantly motivated. I find that observing a compliment is the best way to appreciate and remember it fully, as it was intended. We put so much interpretation on words, we weigh them and spin them depending on who they come from or what we think the reasons are behind it. We’re skeptical of niceness, because fake niceness is all too common, and genuine care is rather hard to come by. I propose we take a little time to observe nice things, when they do flutter into our lives, and be with them for as long as possible or practical. Taking in the good is only about remembering the good things that actually do happen, not making any up to fill a void or whatever. They are principles of observation, and enlighten one to the fleeting nature of good things, and the permanent nature of bad things (and how we hang on to them differently than we do positive feelings).

I think we could all use some practice doing this,because I’m rotten at it from the start. I tend to disregard compliments and ignore them outright, and this is unfair to the person giving me the compliment. I should respect their words and give them the attention they deserve. It’s only fair, right?

So, that’s my kernel of wisdom for the day. Not my personal ideas, but stuff I learned on this mental health journey.

#536

I live in an earthquake zone, bordering the southern portion of the San Andreas fault at a distance of roughly 150 miles. My portion of the Pacific “Ring of Fire” has been disturbingly quiet for the last 300+ years. Basically, ever since major civilized development of this area, there has been an increased demand for water (a somewhat scarce resource when living in a desert). They’ve been diverting Sierra Nevada run-off through the Owens Valley for decades, and they had to, because the aquifers are all dried up.

Right now, big news around the US is that Oklahoma has had thousands of 3.0 earthquakes this year, largely because of the byproduct of natural gas extraction deep beneath the earth’s surface. They somehow get gas out of rock by injecting water in there, way down underneath the surface. This, in turn, lubricates otherwise dormant faults in the deep continental portion of the North American plate, and: boom, earthquakes. So they’ve been literally rocked by quakes this year because of natural gas “fracking.”

No water means, no earthquakes. Right?

But the pacific plate is constantly moving. It’s pushing northwest all the time, subducting under the Aleutian Islands and East Asia, and sliding by the bump on the North American plate. A feat which has been made more difficult by a total lack of groundwater to lubricate the fault system. So tension is just, building. A little bit more every day… but constantly pressing, grinding, crushing. We still have earthquakes, but tiny ones, and lots of them, all along the fault zone. But nothing big that would account for all the accumulated tension.

What’s going to happen? To hell if I know. I’m not an earthquake expert… I just know what they know… the processes that are actually happening underground are somewhat fact. We know the plate is moving, we know the “bump” in the plate boundary right at the Garibaldi fault is creating a lot of friction and preventing easy movement across the length of the terminator, and that it hasn’t moved enough to release the tension in over 300 years.

Easter Sunday 2010, a 7.2 occurred near the plate boundary, but well south of the border and had very little implications. I was actually VISITING San Diego that very weekend from northern California, and I happened to be in Descanso, a good 100 miles from the epicenter, and BOY did we still get some serious shaking. Cars were moving side to side, people hunkered down and running out of their homes. Crazy shit. That was the largest quake I had ever been involved in…  and we haven’t had a measurable earthquake since.

Bum, bum… BUM!

The Letter I Wrote

I wrote a letter to Jax a while back, because I felt the need to be personally responsible for the things I did to cause that relationship to fall apart. Now, that’s not saying: “I’m the one who ruined everything, blame me.” There is none of that here, just a need for me to own what I KNOW I DID. I wrote a lengthy email explaining my reasons for my participation in the downfall, and I found the letter to be wholly unobtrusive and non hostile. As it was intended to be.

I honestly was expecting the email to go unanswered, but Jax had a nice reply for me, detailing that she understood my letter and felt the same way, for her own reasons. Progress? I mean, yeah! So that’s a good thing, despite all the potential for it to be a bad thing. And what the hell was I expecting anyway? As I recall, I wrote the letter with the hopes of not having to calculate for a reply, but whatever. It was good to finally talk with her, and have it not be a yelling match or argument or something. I’ve had to unlearn a lot of what I had taken in after 13 months of together. Something that goes on for that long leaves an indelible mark on a person, one that aches over time but doesn’t burn as it used to. I can’t say the white-hot anger of betrayal is long gone, leaving now only the groan of loneliness. Still, this letter was a good thing.

It was a nice change to wake-up to today, at any rate. Reminded me of better times that had been. On a more recent note, I’ve procured myself some family computer work, with a distant cousin of mine. Oddly enough, this comes from the side of the family that rents out the beach house that the Bailey family used a year ago to have a big reunion party. Definitely someone we Baileys want to keep a friendly relationship with. More work!?! Good heavens, what am I going to do with myself and this harebrained busy schedule!?!

Good news is that I’m on pace to make nearly 1,800 dollars a month in this temporary assignment, and who knows what will happen if I actually get on board full-time. With that kind of single-revenue, I can easily afford a place to live and have enough left over to save some every month. And with a chunk already sitting in the bank, it’s looking more and more like I will be on my own well before my birthday rolls around. I’m pretty excited about this whole opportunity.

I just worry sometimes. I worry needlessly about things I can’t control or have no real investment in affecting. I fret every so often, but this is somewhat expected given all the tumult. I cross my fingers and hope that nothing detrimental happens to those I am aware of. Even though I don’t love Jax anymore, I still deeply care about her well-being; I still hope that she is ok and striving. The decisions we make in the heat of emotions are often times poor long-term choices, and present us with short-term fixes (which end), and inevitably, wear off… and the truth is all that remains. Logic is only masked by emotion, not stricken from existence by it. My concern is an articulate feeling, which has a fundamental right to BE and BE HEARD. As all feelings do. I must find the means to observe my states and reflect on my emotions, not jump on the action-train and go for a ride.

In the end, I’m glad I wrote the letter. Now we don’t have to hate each other anymore.

 

The Silence

With cutting edges,
Distance parting a–
Crucible of blades.
Trying for mercy,
Quiet are the cries.
Tumult building,
A new hatred burns,
Unquenchable in deeps.
Rocking back on promises,
Through will and wait,
The fire of time.
Tolls the final bell–
Calling on shrouding night,
As the candle blows out.
To each bitter end,
The unrequited word,
Fall into the nothing–
Of unheard sorrow.

5 am

I get up at five, but I actually don’t start moving until after 5:30. Usually. It’s really early to be waking up and going for a long walk, but I really need to train myself to do this. It’s vital to my health that I get some form of cardiovascular aerobics. I have been unsuccessful this week in motivating myself to walk. I was SO unbelievably tired this morning, and the morning before that I fell asleep holding my phone after I turned the alarm off. Sad.

I’m hoping that getting myself into a rhythm of working out and then getting ready. I think this behavior can be trained. At least, I’m hoping. My full time job takes the bulk of my day and forces me to sit for most of it. There’s not much freedom to exercise here, and my lunch would not be long enough to get much walking in. I MUST be able to walk, first thing.

I am sad that doing that requires a huge sum of “first-thing-the-morning” energy that remains largely undiscovered.

Duty, Respect

I am a believer in showing other people the respect they earned. Like your boss, or a police officer. They did a lot to get where they are. Realizing this, you should probably dampen your initial reaction to be an ass. In my mind, you have my respect until you do something to lose it. Innocent until proven guilty. Most of my fellow classmates do not have my respect. They talk over our supervisor, they ask questions that prove they weren’t paying attention, they text under the tabletop, and they get up and leave the training whenever they want.

Personally, if I’m being paid to do something, I intend to do that thing really well. To the best of my abilities, anyway. And I give the job my respect and attention and diligence. Fully. This is an uncommon belief or work ethic, I’m learning. What most people are ok with doing, I find appalling.

So I’m on a bit of an island here. Doing my best on my own to stand out amongst the rabble. Trying extra hard to distinguish my actions and personality from the soup of unintelligible discourse that plays out in that conference room. I’m wondering now if it’s clear that I’m quite pleased with myself, and gain a great deal of satisfaction from the work I do. So I am noticeably happier than I was last week. Definitely more busy, but that has only helped me achieve stability.

I’m thinking a lot about my future. My family is more secure than it has ever been, in recent memory. My dad won his disability case, so they will be safe going forward with their lives. I’m going to settle into a new environment soon enough, and get back to an independent routine which is sure to help me maintain. All I’m trying to do is get level and grow into my life as best I can. I think that’s a healthy goal.