I have been contemplative of late. I’m thinking a lot about songs, music playing in my mind. I think about stuff… sad songs bring back memories of what things used to be like. When I was in love and happy, and living. I put together a pretty solid run there, from the end of 2012 to the beginning of 2014. I did well and thrived. I just didn’t have a job that understood my difficulties, or a partner for that matter. I think she always sympathized with my disability, but never really understood it. I mean, how can you know I carry this terrible weight and then have THAT be the reason for abandonment? I guess I have this pervading nostalgia when I think about her. It makes me feel gutted, empty and woozy. I reel at the hollow space in my soul where love once shown brightly. I don’t intend on nourishing that avenue much either, as the future days climb up upon us. I need to discover self-sufficiency and interdependence. I can do that, though it’s hard and hurts sometimes.

I have a lot of time to think about this stuff… probably why I’m so hungry to write… a deep need for understanding is filled by the acknowledgement of my words. I report my progress to others, but really, no one is here paying attention to what I’m doing with my moments. I’m left to my own devices, which has some benefits and also some clear drawbacks. I’m not the best keeper of tasks, I’m not the best motivator. I do what I can, given the circumstances.

For now, I’m just glad I have this blog: a place to reconcile my ever turbulent mind. My little slice of sanctuary. I hope you out there have one too, whatever shape that takes for your life. It’s healthy, so why not.

My arm is almost back to full power. Still have some pretty nasty pain when I extend, or push while extended. It’s the blood vessel that got fucking torched, I can see the bruising in my arm. A lot of work to do there to make my arm back to the way it was before last Tuesday.


8 thoughts on “Monkeys

      • I really know how it feels man…. have experienced it…. I wish whole heartedly you recuperate…. Look from this angle. I am a person sitting in India just taking a look at different articles and poems and fell in love with your article…. I really liked they way you expressed your feeling…. Better than anyone I’ve read…. You are able to grab the hearts of people sitting thousands of miles away from you…. You got no reason to worry about… Cheer up friend

      • Thank you very much, your compliment is wholly appreciated. I hope you can take something useful from all those words. I know it’s a struggle, to come back from what I have endured, but I am doing it. One brave step at a time. =)

      • That’s really good…. Read your description of yourself when you feel low… I’m pretty sure you won’t after doing it… BTW why did you name the article ‘Monkeys’?

      • There’s a figure of speech: A monkey on my back… which refers to a human condition of trying to overcome an obstacle that has been attempted before and failed at, but removing the “monkey from my back” is having the weight of that objective taken away because of success. So, I thought I had a bit of a “monkey on my back” lately because of having to rebuild my life and try it again. Hope that helps.

      • Yeah yeah… It does… I didn’t till now know you write so well… I thought your blog is for those interested in problems related to “Neurochemically Challenged”… lol… I’m gonna read your posts from now….
        And by the way this is my blog…

        I’d be very much pleased if you took a look…

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