Nighttime Notations

It’s past my usual bed time but we just got done watching a movie and dinner. It was all very nice. Casual fun. More importantly is that I seem to have done well letting my sadness wash over and through me. As I figured it would. But enduring those moments can be rough. I talked with my dad some today. He told me he was very proud of the steps I have taken and that it’s clear I’m improving. All he really wants is for me to try hard and have a go of it. They both want me to succeed. I learn from my past and sometimes wear the shame of those missteps in the present. One thing I can bravely say is that I have not deluded you or myself in this whole process. I’m not telling the world a spun version of reality. It would be nice to have no regrets, but I own my past and am sorry. And directly responsible for it. My actions. My words. It’s all there for anyone to see, and I won’t live any differently. I think I’m pretty stubborn about certain things. But now I think I see why going this road alone is best. Other people are a risk, and can’t be depended on to value me in an appropriate way. What I need is the deep inner strength of the self emerging triumphantly from a cocoon. I am such a talented, amazing guy. Why should I waste time on losers, idiots or people who lie? Some people are just ok not living honestly. Some people say one thing but do another. I’ve learned the value of being honest. Even if it hurts or breaks reality, it’s necessary to have peace in my heart. I’m not a liar. I’m not a cheat. I’m not brave either, but things are improving. Back to that word. Improving. I can say with confidence that I’m doing it right this time, for me. I’m worth that.

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