Bitter Parade

My inmost thoughts pertaining to my divorce are quite painful still. I ache in the place I had filled with love. The vacancy has taken an emotional toll. To be so fundamentally rejected is tough. The person who could most closely look at my inner self found me to be not worthwhile. And then abandoned in a time of crisis. Left with unrequited love eating me like cancer.

I did things to drive her away. I know this and accept it. But was I deserving of what I got? Was I really?

It strikes me as odd, the way some people deal with things. Some people can cope with themselves by ignoring what they don’t want to see and pretending the concerns away. Some people do such deplorable things that they can’t face the truth anymore. Their world is painted just for them, and it shows them just what they want to see: a lie. But I guess there are a lot of people who can do this. Can crush someone’s heart and then go fuck someone new. It’s because these keen betrayers have found peace in delusion. It’s easy when you are a moron.

Distraction is the ultimate coping skill because it lets you still feel alive without any of the responsibility of dealing with things. I feel the need to point this out because this is a massive problem. These ignorant people are out there, waiting to disappoint you with their limited cognition and lack of curious inspiration. Where have you gone, you brilliant idiot savant? I know you’re out there somewhere.

More to the point, I know that life is always changing. It’s hard to keep up with, but really important. Doing hard things and trying are a part of the journey that must be held sacred. Worth being defined through self-expression and experimentation with possibilities. If there’s one thing I can take from all this trauma, is that I’ve owned it. It’s my responsibility to learn from it. Grow with it. And adapt to the next new circumstance.

I keep hoping my ex will make a step forward in her life, and I mean that in the most humanitarian way possible. She’s still the “victim” of her life, and has shown no real signs of regret or remorse. Because she got what she wanted, and doesn’t care who she hurt to get it. It’s this core philosophy of self gratification and environmental ignorance that will allow her to go forward having learned nothing. She may well succeed here in San Diego and not have to fold up her life and move on. It’s because she can do what she did to me, to others, and get what she wants until she gets bored and moves on. I guess. It all must make sense to her, otherwise she probably would behave differently. That’s just the way it is, I guess.

No forgiveness because she was right in doing what she did. I’m the problem because I never listened to her and probably deserved what I was dealt. Right? I mean… this makes sense in your head, right? Is there some other rationale for your way of doing things? I can ask a thousand questions and never get an answer. Well. Not a REAL answer. She might retaliate and reiterate her delusion. But these “class” of people don’t care about logic, understanding and appreciation of others. They live for themselves, and I strongly caution you readers: knowing who someone is can take time, but do make that investment a smart one. Learn from my poor judgement and wear caution well.

3 thoughts on “Bitter Parade

  1. Seriously? I’m still playing the victim? You sit in your self hate and morbid disgust for the world pretending to play some cuckold boy who was tossed out in the garbage. I LOVED YOU. I still love and care for you. However you refused to treat ME with respect to my needs as someone with trauma, and you REFUSED to help yourself. I didn’t look into your inner most self and throw you out. I looked into your inner most self and saw someone who still needed so much help. I did my very best to put my entire self into the relationship and devote my every ability to lending a hand. How many times did you expect me to just sit and take your anger and disgust and viciousness towards my trauma before I couldn’t take it anymore. Before I needed to put my needs before yours or risk losing my mind as well. I put every ounce of effort into being with you and shaping my world around yours. To be there when you needed me most despite being yelled at and controlled. I put my whole heart and soul into our relationship but when I began to realize you couldn’t because you hate yourself so much, when I realized you didn’t want to help yourself, I couldn’t keep breaking myself for someone who wasn’t willing to get better even for me. I couldn’t keep being supported by your parents despite how much love I have for them. And I did a shit thing. I don’t deny, ignore or pretend otherwise. You forget you’re not the only one affected by what happened. I was hysterical. I cried for hours alone in my apartment and days after. I was terrified and broken and lost. I thought you were going to die, and I thought you hated me. Asking for a divorce was NOT easy. Easy would have been to continue being cared for by your parents. Easy would have been going back to normal with you. Easy would have been continuing to let myself go trying to help you. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done for myself asking you for a divorce. I don’t deny the selfish nature of what I did and continue to do. At some point I HAD to start taking care of myself. I don’t choose to live in the past like you continue to do. I WILL NOT let my mistakes control or keep me down like you want or seem to think they should.

    Fact is I am getting better. Continuing to and you keep sitting and waiting for things to be done. I get that you may need to hate me to move on, I’ve been there before, but if you keep obsessing over video games and the hate you have for me you will continue to sit and rot. You never stopped knowing me. I didn’t become some moron who goes around breaking hearts. I started standing up for myself and what I NEED. Instead of eternally giving. The fact that I chose myself over you will always be hard, and I accept you despising me for it.

    The fact that your post about me still make me cry should be evidence of the level of hurt that comes from your anger. To this day you still affect me so much despite being separated.

    • Do we really wonder why I’m so bitter? I think I have some valid reasons for venting as I do on my blog. It’s my only way of coping with unreasonable feelings. I can pretty much do whatever I want on my personal blog. I should have just deleted your comment, but I invite criticism by being public. I don’t care about your reasoning. Last time I checked, it didn’t make the situation any less shitty. It offers no glimmer of wisdom, nor do I retain anything from having heard your reply. Still defensive. Still objecting. I don’t care. I write to soothe my own demons, not to open the floor to discussion time. If you don’t like what I have to say, don’t read my words. Regardless of your so called “tough decision” to quit on your marriage, I don’t believe your lies anymore. Your truth is a fabrication and serves no purpose other than to satisfy yourself. This spun version of life where you gave everything and I took greedily is such utter horse shit. You’re a liar. Your lying about your past, pretending you were a devout and righteous person the whole way, while I let you down and imploded. Uh huh. Ok. I guess I’m a fucking asshole then?

      Hard decisions aren’t quitting. Last time I checked. Oh. Right. But you did everything in your power to save our marriage and our life together. I just couldn’t get my shit together? I mean, are you really believing this? This is what you’ve convinced yourself of? I’m terribly fucking sorry for you. What a dimensionless and feeble existence you’ve carved out for yourself. Bravo.

      Meanwhile, in reality, I’m still dealing with the fallout of your EASY choices. You may have made your life difficult, but what the fuck have you proved yourself? Other than being a lair. I grow tired of hammering the same few points as the excuses for your decisions pop up. I don’t care what you believe. My opinion is all that matters out here. And it’s a hurt, damaged, angry and bizarre opinion, but it’s mine and you arguing about it doesn’t make it any less. Define worth however you see fit, but to me, you’re nothing. You disqualified yourself from my concern with stupid decisions. Retaliate. Argue. Debate all day long if you want. Expect only disregard.

  2. Pingback: Self-Talk | Neurochemically Challenged

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