My inmost thoughts pertaining to my divorce are quite painful still. I ache in the place I had filled with love. The vacancy has taken an emotional toll. To be so fundamentally rejected is tough. The person who could most closely look at my inner self found me to be not worthwhile. And then abandoned in a time of crisis. Left with unrequited love eating me like cancer.
I did things to drive her away. I know this and accept it. But was I deserving of what I got? Was I really?
It strikes me as odd, the way some people deal with things. Some people can cope with themselves by ignoring what they don’t want to see and pretending the concerns away. Some people do such deplorable things that they can’t face the truth anymore. Their world is painted just for them, and it shows them just what they want to see: a lie. But I guess there are a lot of people who can do this. Can crush someone’s heart and then go fuck someone new. It’s because these keen betrayers have found peace in delusion. It’s easy when you are a moron.
Distraction is the ultimate coping skill because it lets you still feel alive without any of the responsibility of dealing with things. I feel the need to point this out because this is a massive problem. These ignorant people are out there, waiting to disappoint you with their limited cognition and lack of curious inspiration. Where have you gone, you brilliant idiot savant? I know you’re out there somewhere.
More to the point, I know that life is always changing. It’s hard to keep up with, but really important. Doing hard things and trying are a part of the journey that must be held sacred. Worth being defined through self-expression and experimentation with possibilities. If there’s one thing I can take from all this trauma, is that I’ve owned it. It’s my responsibility to learn from it. Grow with it. And adapt to the next new circumstance.
I keep hoping my ex will make a step forward in her life, and I mean that in the most humanitarian way possible. She’s still the “victim” of her life, and has shown no real signs of regret or remorse. Because she got what she wanted, and doesn’t care who she hurt to get it. It’s this core philosophy of self gratification and environmental ignorance that will allow her to go forward having learned nothing. She may well succeed here in San Diego and not have to fold up her life and move on. It’s because she can do what she did to me, to others, and get what she wants until she gets bored and moves on. I guess. It all must make sense to her, otherwise she probably would behave differently. That’s just the way it is, I guess.
No forgiveness because she was right in doing what she did. I’m the problem because I never listened to her and probably deserved what I was dealt. Right? I mean… this makes sense in your head, right? Is there some other rationale for your way of doing things? I can ask a thousand questions and never get an answer. Well. Not a REAL answer. She might retaliate and reiterate her delusion. But these “class” of people don’t care about logic, understanding and appreciation of others. They live for themselves, and I strongly caution you readers: knowing who someone is can take time, but do make that investment a smart one. Learn from my poor judgement and wear caution well.