Talking In Opposites

I have to behave in a way contrary to how I feel sometimes. It’s mostly because I’m second guessing myself all the time, and have no trust based on the initial emotional offering. I tend to justify my feelings as to why they exist. They usually have a good reason, unless we’re dealing with emotional symptoms, which can have no good excuse at all for being there. I am quiet, because I am a little scared of everything still. I’m not flourishing, I’m just starting to open back up again after being closed tight. I can’t say I’m ready to just pack up my stuff and move in to an apartment right now either. It’s a tough thing to admit, but when I’m alone, I get very sad and I cry. I get acutely lonely, and I act like I’ve been abandoned. Which I have not, but none of that seems to matter. It’s not about thinking my way out of some bad things, it’s just due to having been poisoned so many times. I’m fucking ruined if there is ever to be a next love. Ruined. All my training has broken down, the wheels have come right the fuck off this wagon. I am so judgmental about people and things, and it serves as my initial protection system, warding off perceived threats or other undesirables.

In the opposite direction, my arm is finally back to normal. What was that, 2 weeks? Just about. So, we’re drawing blood from the other arm next time, how ’bout. I’m getting in to another week of things to do, starting with Life Skills today at 1:00. I am GOING to get back to my exercises again this week, now that my arm can freely dangle at my side without causing me severe pain. I’m really hoping that this is the week DoR calls me and I get to go down to MHS and start finding me a job. I’m just so excited to get this aspect of my life moving. I’m getting to a healthy point of wanting my own space, my own “land” to manage. I need that responsibility so I can establish an independent sense of worth. But am I ready to go fly out there and do this right now? NO. But I’m damn close to being there. It’s going to land in the “Goldilocks Zone” of my success. Right when I’m ready to go, I’ll be needing to go. My parents want this to happen, and so do I. For sure. It’s all around, a good thing.

I’m a guy in flux. Changing for the better takes time and patience, and lots of measured successes. I have to build my fortress back up again. I’m down to my last villager and we’re scrambling for a place to hide and rebuild my empire. I can do this though. Because I want it back so bad, I’m willing to do what I need to in order to make that happen right.

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