Party Foul

I just want to be real clear, as this point seems to have been lost during the assimilation of my words into outrage. I can’t control how my words will make you act or feel, because that’s largely on YOUR end of things. I can’t make anyone do anything. This blog is my primary therapeutic tool, allowing me to vent even the most hostile of malignant thoughts out of my mind, and on to something else which grants them acknowledgement for being, while not allowing a feeling to OWN who I am. It’s great, because I have no real person in my world to process a lot of this stuff with, but the BLOG allows me vent, and feel like I paid attention to the feeling I was having which is what it wanted in the first place. Feelings seek understanding, and acceptance as yours despite what they contain or pertain to.

I don’t go out of my way to piss anyone off, but my ex is bound to be upset by what I write. It’s accuracy is the best I can manage given the variances of my emotional states. But I make no argument that I expect to be held to the standard of fact. I’m not out here to prove anything to myself, or anyone else. I cope with a sea of feelings that my ex helped set into turbulence. So, yeah, I think I’m allowed to justify myself when challenged. It’s harder with my ex because she doesn’t see anything I say, but finds in my words what give her cause for anger. I can’t prevent this without compromising the therapeutic process. Which basically means I’m going to keep doing what I do, regardless of objection. Especially when it comes from an irrelevant source.

I just want to be clear that I’m not LOOKING for interaction. I have to deal with my feelings individually, and on a basis of ever changing circumstances within the self. In my Life Skills group, I’m widely accepted and appreciated for my emotional observations and abilities to prevail despite hardships. I give those ladies hope that a better way of expressing or handling feelings can be found or had. My therapist (who co-moderates the group) was impressed with my learned skills so far. And I have a long way to go yet, still weeks of learning and days of practice to be enjoyed. And I mean that, enjoyed. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to learn a new self-moderation type skill and then be able to apply it in life and get some use of it is huge. AN area I had left totally undefended is now getting restocked.

I guess I’m just a little surprised by Jax needing to rail against my posts, however disturbing. I don’t get anything from arguing or crosstalk. I just want it to stop, and never come back.

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