Tension

It runs in the hot air and makes everything stand on end. It’s palpable anger, the effusive radiation given off by disagreement. I find myself in an environment inundated with it sometimes. My parents have been together a long time, and seen their way through lots of issues. Because there are always issues. Two people are bound to argue about something, given enough time. Trouble being the basic communication and expression skills seem to get lost, and misread, or misunderstood, or whatever. At some point, there is a fracture and it doesn’t do anything but widen from there on out. I wonder why this is. I’ve contributed, on many an occasion, my own anger or other unpleasant feeling in some non useful way. I’ve not identified the source of my emotions and not coped with it regardless. I’ve been in meltdown mode, where all I can do is curl into a ball and close my eyes until the abuse stops.

When there is tension, its code for someone not dealing with emotions in a useful way, perhaps both. Emotion warfare is easy to engage in, because all you have to do is act on the impulse of the first arbitrary feeling that solidifies itself in your mind. Then hold on tight.

I have my own problems to deal with, naturally. And I don’t really know what to do, given the environmental hostility is totally out of my hands, and has little or nothing to do with me. Nor will it be alleviated by my abrupt intervention. I’m not a fucking hero or anything. I’m not going to ride in and make it right. Yeah, how unbelievably unrealistic is that?

I have enough trouble being in my own head. I don’t go inviting more negativity into my world if I have the choice. Sometimes there is no escaping it. When the RV is full of anger, some of it leaks out the door and gets into my area.