I was an active participant in group today, which is great, refreshing and rewarding. I was trying to explain my mindful processes to them, and how I now process my feelings in a way I never had. It’s pretty novel, and clearly not just an idea I came up with. Your credit being due to Marsha Linehan for having all the details of mindfulness all sorted out. It’s been really revolutionary, and the more I find myself sharing my success with others, the more little light-bulbs go on all around me. Today, one of the group members just looked at me and said “wow, you should lead the group.” I take that as a compliment, not a suggestion. But it’s my personality coming back and I’m seeing the proof of its return. People had nothing but positive stuff to say to me today, and even though I came out of group to find I had a flat tire, I nevertheless had a fantastic, exercise packed kinda day. And it’s a step forward, like the many I have taken before this one, and like the many I will take in days to come.
I feel pride in myself again, and not the guilty indulgence of delusion, but an actual strength that builds on my conscience, my morality. I have a morally clean slate, because I don’t “get off” by doing evil things to others. I can be mean, yes, and perhaps deservedly so. But does that make my soul unclean? If you know what I mean? I don’t kill, steal, cheat, and victimize others. And that kinda stuff. I think I might be too stupid to be a good liar. I’d just forget what I had lied about anyway.
I think things are going super. I mean, given the circumstances. It’s not hell anymore. It WAS though. I can’t tell you how hard it’s been to regroup from what happened to my life. I don’t pretend to be the victim, but mostly, I did get screwed out of that life, a life that I was not prepared to lose in the way that I did. You readers know me, and know how hard it is to learn from one’s mistakes, and embrace them to grow with them. I have done this, and wholly examined my failings, and conducted the change needed to restore functionality. And boy, there’s still quite a bit of work to do. I don’t pretend to have it figured out; I’m learning, just like most of you. It’s not so easy as it may seem, but things of value are never ever easy to get a hold of. Work for your freedom. Earn the right to be independent. There’s nothing wrong with any of that.
In some way, I still admire Jax for going out there and staying afloat. I didn’t think she’d make it, but she has. And who knows, maybe she will. It’s of no consequence to me. But do I respect her? No, not at all. She’s made some ridiculously bad decisions, and seems to only want to defend herself as to why she did. I mean, you read her comment, right? I don’t admire her for THAT.
But seriously folks. I’m glad for the continued steady climb of progress. I’m getting exercise nearly every day, and it takes a lot out of me, which feels good. It’s fun to be exhausted! I feel relevant. In a sweaty kind of way.
Hi friend,
It’s Pratheek again
Very nicely written…. Glad you are doing this…. You express your emotions so well…. And not to mention your writing says you are a man with very very sublime emotions (correct me if I am wrong) šš… Btw what group was it that you participated in?
I go to a group called “recovery connections” offered by the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI). It meets at a nearby east county mental health clinic on Fridays and I have not missed one since starting about a month and a half ago. Thank you for yet another compliment, Much appreciated.