I was an active participant in group today, which is great, refreshing and rewarding. I was trying to explain my mindful processes to them, and how I now process my feelings in a way I never had. It’s pretty novel, and clearly not just an idea I came up with. Your credit being due to Marsha Linehan for having all the details of mindfulness all sorted out. It’s been really revolutionary, and the more I find myself sharing my success with others, the more little light-bulbs go on all around me. Today, one of the group members just looked at me and said “wow, you should lead the group.” I take that as a compliment, not a suggestion. But it’s my personality coming back and I’m seeing the proof of its return. People had nothing but positive stuff to say to me today, and even though I came out of group to find I had a flat tire, I nevertheless had a fantastic, exercise packed kinda day. And it’s a step forward, like the many I have taken before this one, and like the many I will take in days to come.
I feel pride in myself again, and not the guilty indulgence of delusion, but an actual strength that builds on my conscience, my morality. I have a morally clean slate, because I don’t “get off” by doing evil things to others. I can be mean, yes, and perhaps deservedly so. But does that make my soul unclean? If you know what I mean? I don’t kill, steal, cheat, and victimize others. And that kinda stuff. I think I might be too stupid to be a good liar. I’d just forget what I had lied about anyway.
I think things are going super. I mean, given the circumstances. It’s not hell anymore. It WAS though. I can’t tell you how hard it’s been to regroup from what happened to my life. I don’t pretend to be the victim, but mostly, I did get screwed out of that life, a life that I was not prepared to lose in the way that I did. You readers know me, and know how hard it is to learn from one’s mistakes, and embrace them to grow with them. I have done this, and wholly examined my failings, and conducted the change needed to restore functionality. And boy, there’s still quite a bit of work to do. I don’t pretend to have it figured out; I’m learning, just like most of you. It’s not so easy as it may seem, but things of value are never ever easy to get a hold of. Work for your freedom. Earn the right to be independent. There’s nothing wrong with any of that.
In some way, I still admire Jax for going out there and staying afloat. I didn’t think she’d make it, but she has. And who knows, maybe she will. It’s of no consequence to me. But do I respect her? No, not at all. She’s made some ridiculously bad decisions, and seems to only want to defend herself as to why she did. I mean, you read her comment, right? I don’t admire her for THAT.
But seriously folks. I’m glad for the continued steady climb of progress. I’m getting exercise nearly every day, and it takes a lot out of me, which feels good. It’s fun to be exhausted! I feel relevant. In a sweaty kind of way.