I have been writing huge posts, often rants about my painful experiences around my suicide attempt, but not publishing them. In fact, I typically vent for up to 500 words or so, and then delete the post entirely. I let one go today, but realizing I would rather have just deleted my rant, I did after the fact. I’m sorry if you read it and were like “what stick got up HIS ass today?”
I have a lot of feelings that don’t need to be solidified as a post. More often than not, I indulge the destructive thoughts by giving them a creative outlet in my words. But do I want to save all those words? Fuck no. Most of what I write is biased nonsense, and you should know that by now. It’s not intended to be ubiquitous, it’s not a tween pop hit. It’s MY blog, and it’s often dark and quite belligerent; mired in redundancies, and sometimes at a total loss for how to articulate the feeling, but trying nevertheless. I don’t write for anyone but myself, for myself, for my thoughts to be real, heard, and then dissipate forever. Take it or leave it.
So, like I was saying… there are just too many posts that don’t need to be posted… because they come from an emotionally unhelpful place, and are happy with just having my attention for a few minutes, let alone achieve semi-permanence. I’m trying to keep the thought faucet on a drip… for now.