I got the job! First off. It’s a technical support job working for Mood Media. I’ll be training on how to use their proprietary devices, then guiding customers through their issues with them.
As you may be aware, the last time I had a job, my maintenance of the blog will decrease, but not disappear altogether. I’m still working out how to continue my therapy, but I’m aware I will lose both my groups. I need to make a conscious decision to be proactive about checking in with myself and being a good steward of my body. I will be shopping and surviving on my own again, which I am really excited about. I’m looking forward to getting back on a regular diet, eating healthy things and staying true to my exercise time. It’s a good way to get the endorphins flowing first thing in the morning. I have a lot of good thoughts coming out of this life change. Which I knew would happen eventually, but was not expecting it to be so soon.
I am ready though. I’m looking forward to all of this change. Bring it on. I’m ready to prove it to myself.
I have been in a hard place emotionally. I’ve been reliving a lot of Jax memories… and I’m just not sure what good it’s doing me. I get to feeling so sad and despairing, often times my words from that place are greatly exacerbated by emotions and time. But they are still my feelings and still my words so I am them. Regardless of how I might think I feel. I’m still just as powerless to stop the sadness as I am able to make a rabbit disappear from inside a top hat. I just don’t understand it all sometimes. I’m only half of what happened, and I’m sure there will not be a tomorrow for any of these feelings inside me. They pine for a dead future, not killed by MY choice, but dead nevertheless.
I am happy to say I will be making enough money independently to get my own studio apartment and be able to hold myself up again, after some months in the hole. I will have a life again! Hooray! And with the work I continue to do to help myself get better, healthy in my brain. Every day here on out, it has to be my top priority.
I know Jax is gone and that I won’t get her back. Even if I want that, I can’t do anything about it. I’m powerless to change others, to hope they can see what I can see. It makes no difference, and that fact alone is enough to bind me to old sorrow in a way that is difficult to escape. But hey, I’ve got my life back that I lost, and I’m ecstatic about getting myself back out there again. Who knows? I may meet someone new who truly understands my state and circumstances. Wouldn’t that be refreshing? I can’t help but admire my parents for having a relationship that swerved around horrible danger and still took some severe damage in it’s progression, but never faltered and never cracked. They realized that love was bigger than any momentary obstacle in life, and that their love would go on regardless. No problem is too big that love can’t handle it.
I find myself hoping more people out there will think this way, so that if I ever do fall in love again, I do so for the last time.