I wish I could have done things differently, sure. But it is truly hopeless thinking to wish for a past that can’t be changed. I’ve fucked up pretty bad in my life, and more than once, but history is done, and I am still here. I have to take the next step forward, and be present with my new decisions and actions. I am now trying to do the best I can to be a good person in the world, and I can’t do any of that without a clear understanding of how I need to change. Because what I WAS doing is no good, and leads to eventual disaster. And I know that now; that somewhere under all that turbulence was the thing I needed to adjust. The real source of my despair is me.
I have a chance to make a whole new go of life, and I don’t intend to squander it. In this stage of my outward development, I am taking in the good and filtering the bad through the process of rationalizing. I still have big, hardly containable feelings burble up in me, and sometimes there is no stopping the sadness. But this is a response to a recent injury, not a lasting motif. I filed the divorce. That hurts still, because I wasn’t ready to let my marriage go. I still wanted it, badly, and the hole that it left in me filled rapidly with anger and disdain. I don’t hate anyone. I may act like I do, but I bet you would too if you were dealing with this level of trauma.
I have a more evolved system of coping and understanding my feelings. This process involves a new-found sense of worth, and a belief that my feelings are valid no matter what obscure corner of the conscious mind they come from. All things will eventually demand to be heard, understood and appropriately digested. I don’t know anything about my future. I shouldn’t need t worry about inane fears and baseless, damaging thoughts. I can still experience destructive feelings, but not be controlled or owned by them. I find that much to my satisfaction.
In short, no one can change what I’ve done, or what has been done to me. But we can write a purposeful and hopeful future for ourselves, with concentration and appropriate action. A well balanced and measured existence comes from a place of compassion, not discipline. No one goes anywhere by motivating with punishment. That’s one thing I can say that I know now, that I didn’t before. It’s a mercurial world, and we’re just doing our best to survive in it.