I imagine writing your feelings is more difficult when you are inherently afraid of what they have to say. Most people would view an emotional reaction as a negative thing, relying on cool rationality to override the response. I think this works for most people, because they don’t really need to pay as much attention to their minds as I do. I have to be in here, all the time, looking around for clutter and dusting all the surfaces profusely. I’ve got my mental work cut out for me, but you, Normal Joe, don’t have a care in the world whether you stuff your reactions of just explode with emotions all at once. You live blind to the process, where I seek freedom from the enslavement you seem to enjoy. My world is a delicate thing, balanced precariously between destruction and madness. Somewhere in there, I manage to find stability and a sliver of hope begins to break through. More important than survival is pride. Pride in myself, my actions, my potential. I see good things happening for me, and it will be because I really worked hard to get here.
I wonder if we’re all just at different stages of the same journey; one in which we’re all seeking fulfillment from an empty world. I have found true peace in the act of mindfulness, and have been a shining example of how thoughts and emotions can coexist peacefully. One not overriding the other. I live in a harmony of sorts, because the balance is frail and often perturbed by sudden calamity. Of which I am pleased to say there has been none. I have been through the emotional washing machine over my guilt and regret about Jax. I am not intending to dwell on it more than I already have.
You reader: I wonder if you’ve really taken the time today to hear yourself, to understand what drives you, what pleases you and why? I wonder if you take the time to look inside your actions to the core of your motivations and impulses. Do you act on instinct, or logistical rationale? How big do your feelings get inside you? Do you ever get lost in there sometimes? I wonder if maybe we would all be better off if we took the time do recenter ourselves by finding solace in breathing, and let the mind enter a state of relaxed focus. I can do this now, and by doing this, I’ve learned how to implement this skill when new feelings arise. It works magnificently to acknowledge emotions as they happen, giving them priority attention, thus, resolving their need for gratification. I bet if we all paid more attention to feelings as they happen, we wouldn’t be so lost in the soup of heavy duty emotion-crisis later on down the line, when the containment unit breaks.
People are all just trying to live as reasonably as possible. I doubt the majority want to strive to the apex of society, if such a thing can be said. I bet we’re all just living from happy moment to happy moment, making due when things are not so. I want to be a part of the flow of life again, and I’m working to reintegrate myself into the system. I look forward to making my independent mark on things, however I can and in whatever capacity makes sense for me. I would wish nothing less for any of you. Mindfulness is key to my recent enlightenment, and I hope this blog is evidence of how beneficial that cognitive change has been for me. I’m proof that despite disaster, success is a combination of moments away.