I have said many times how I intend to change myself and my actions for the betterment of my life and future. I have been frank, and disclosed my darkest errors. I do this so I can learn, and grow. The feeling isn’t one of mutual respect though, and no matter how I try, I’m never going to get the satisfaction of understanding, the solemn love of compassion… things I desperately seek but have no healthy way of receiving. I can do the best I can, within my capabilities, to express, document and scrutinize my responses, emotions and thoughts. But it’s not a two-way street, and the gratification I’m looking for comes from a place of functionality, not disconnection. Jax and I are now permanently disconnected, so I’m not sure what my thinking is in writing her that letter… a letter that contained my most heartfelt regrets and apologies. It’s private, otherwise I’d have posted it here. In short, I’m not able to be at rest knowing I left so many things unsaid, or undone in our life together. I couldn’t just let that go, knowing that she has this idea about me in her head that I am a piece of shit or not worth being with or whatever. I can’t just be ok leaving it at that. I want her to know, that I’m changing, even if she is not. I’m advancing my life, every day, just like I said I was going to back in the beginning.
I’ve come a long way with the anger, which I was buried in at the time that Jax told me she had an affair while I was still in the hospital. But who’s to say what is good and what is bad? I can understand this crisis from my standpoint alone, and deal with the emotional responses that I am made aware of. I can’t go doing impossible things, so, why expect that of myself? Seems kinda pointless.
I am moving on the best way I know how, and after surviving a few months of anguish, I’m emerging from the haze and am ready to address the next circumstance. I can’t change the past, duh. But I can change how I feel about it, and how I interpret the situation for myself. I can choose to take something wholly beneficial from this calamity and use it to propel myself forward. Goals are out there to be reached, met, surpassed. I am confident I can do these things, if I grind away at them and take my time in reaching milestones. My expressions have become starkly more useful and less emotional as time has passed, and this should be an encouraging sign to anyone that even the most vile of heartbreak can be overcome with the dull ache of time. Not the same excruciating pain, but a reminder of where it used to hurt and why.
Jax, best of luck on your adventure to wherever it is that you are going. I have disconnected my concern, and am satisfied with where I have left things between us. It’s never going to be right again, because trauma has seen to disbanding even the smallest of insurrections. That’s what you wanted though, so I can’t say much else. I’ve move my own way, and am not headed a vastly different direction than you. And we will not be meeting again on this journey, I know. Because my path requires a level of energy and commitment that you do not want any part of. You do really believe and love your sister, even if her advice can get you into more trouble that it was originally worth. Be well on your travels, as I will be on mine.