Back in October of 2012 I stared this blog, and the experiment of grappling with reality through it’s lens has gone forward ever since. Shortly after I began the independent experiment, I ruined it by falling in love with Birdy. And I spent the time well, I mean, who doesn’t like being in love with someone? Really?
I have a new opportunity to conduct this experiment as it should have been done, by myself, for myself, and with no expectation whatsoever. I can confess to being hopeful about my romantic prospects, but that hope is a much-farther-down-the-road kind of thing. I’m not thinking that I don’t have a chance, but I do want to be safe if I ever was to be in love again. Safe for my own self, and distinct from the other, so that my identity is not jeopardized by the relationship. I look back at where I was when I fell in love… very angry inside still, unsettled, and not willing to eject myself from suffering. I was still not on board with myself, and I leaned on love like a crutch to make up for how little I cared for myself. I don’t feel like that, now, I’m likely to repeat such a well documented mistake. I write about this very thing often, and continue to remind myself of real things that happened.
Today is my last day of down time freedom land. I will be off to work bright and early tomorrow, having some miles to go before the rush hour traffic pinches me. I can afford to be stuck for a short time, but not too long. I, clearly, want to make a good impression. I’m optimistic about that too! I have the optimism, and I has it good.
Be well friends, and I will try to keep my check-ins regular, but I can’t make promises. Just keep your fingers crossed on my behalf. I guess.