I wrote a letter to Jax a while back, because I felt the need to be personally responsible for the things I did to cause that relationship to fall apart. Now, that’s not saying: “I’m the one who ruined everything, blame me.” There is none of that here, just a need for me to own what I KNOW I DID. I wrote a lengthy email explaining my reasons for my participation in the downfall, and I found the letter to be wholly unobtrusive and non hostile. As it was intended to be.
I honestly was expecting the email to go unanswered, but Jax had a nice reply for me, detailing that she understood my letter and felt the same way, for her own reasons. Progress? I mean, yeah! So that’s a good thing, despite all the potential for it to be a bad thing. And what the hell was I expecting anyway? As I recall, I wrote the letter with the hopes of not having to calculate for a reply, but whatever. It was good to finally talk with her, and have it not be a yelling match or argument or something. I’ve had to unlearn a lot of what I had taken in after 13 months of together. Something that goes on for that long leaves an indelible mark on a person, one that aches over time but doesn’t burn as it used to. I can’t say the white-hot anger of betrayal is long gone, leaving now only the groan of loneliness. Still, this letter was a good thing.
It was a nice change to wake-up to today, at any rate. Reminded me of better times that had been. On a more recent note, I’ve procured myself some family computer work, with a distant cousin of mine. Oddly enough, this comes from the side of the family that rents out the beach house that the Bailey family used a year ago to have a big reunion party. Definitely someone we Baileys want to keep a friendly relationship with. More work!?! Good heavens, what am I going to do with myself and this harebrained busy schedule!?!
Good news is that I’m on pace to make nearly 1,800 dollars a month in this temporary assignment, and who knows what will happen if I actually get on board full-time. With that kind of single-revenue, I can easily afford a place to live and have enough left over to save some every month. And with a chunk already sitting in the bank, it’s looking more and more like I will be on my own well before my birthday rolls around. I’m pretty excited about this whole opportunity.
I just worry sometimes. I worry needlessly about things I can’t control or have no real investment in affecting. I fret every so often, but this is somewhat expected given all the tumult. I cross my fingers and hope that nothing detrimental happens to those I am aware of. Even though I don’t love Jax anymore, I still deeply care about her well-being; I still hope that she is ok and striving. The decisions we make in the heat of emotions are often times poor long-term choices, and present us with short-term fixes (which end), and inevitably, wear off… and the truth is all that remains. Logic is only masked by emotion, not stricken from existence by it. My concern is an articulate feeling, which has a fundamental right to BE and BE HEARD. As all feelings do. I must find the means to observe my states and reflect on my emotions, not jump on the action-train and go for a ride.
In the end, I’m glad I wrote the letter. Now we don’t have to hate each other anymore.