Brokeburry Blues

Twisted hot right,
With deadpan memory–
The fractured stare,
Broken by many hands.
Past still haunting,
In her eyes, a ghost–
That lingers, shadow.
It’s reason that burns–
That which yearns.
Tender affections–
Blasted with splinters.
Oozing its last.
Shale, taken by time
Packed hard and tight–
In lost betrayal and
Forgotten sadness,
Who’s unforgiven burden,
Bears the weight
Of your dead.

Portrait Of Authority

I have begun averaging well above where they are asking me to be. As usual, I’m rising to the challenge presented. I find the subject matter to be difficult, because each new call is a new set of problems. I’m applying what little knowledge I have in this area and learning the rest on the fly. Really, more often than not, I find people to be totally agreeable and happy to at last be talking to SOMEONE. Because most wait times are more than reasonable, bordering on outrageous. They’re training new hires, but it will be weeks before we get the relief. It’s most likely a full week more of billing.

Though I’m doing super good. My boss Mike has made my corner desk the new hangout area. Perched on my cubicle wall, they look at me at my desk like I was the centerpiece of the exhibit. I adore the attention, but wonder what these other guys have been doing. I doubt they’re as busy as I am with the sheer volume of calls I take. Today I found out we have goal numbers we need to hit, called metrics. DTOC queued agents should be averaging 4 per hour. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. It’s 32 calls per shift. It’s not a realistic number for most guys to try and make. I think the seasoned vets could do this just fine, it’s all these fresh faces. The goober managed less than 5 calls today, and he asked for top-to-bottom resolutions from most every other agent. This might actually qualify as the opposite of work. He’s making a hole in the office, where he and whoever he preoccupies with his help requests try to sort out the problem he can’t solve by himself. It’s bad news. And I don’t sense he’s learning or growing as he gets more experience. Who fucking knows.

My world is replete with emotions. I am feeling so starkly alone, so without peers. It’s like at work, I have the respect and admiration of my bosses, but not my peers. Perhaps this is a good thing.

Though I feel empty with fond memories of love. A thing that was a part of my every moment not more than five months ago. In that time, a lot has changed, but the emptiness of losing that love still scrapes at me. I find myself pondering why I’m doing this with my life, why I chose to go this direction? I’m sometimes mystified by life’s unexpected turns. I’m just tired of being lonely. But I have a lot more loneliness left to go.

Goodnight travelers.

Off He Goes

I’ve been getting better answering people’s questions but I’m sure I have a lot more to learn. It’s good to be so resoundingly appreciated for the work I do. Even in those times, like today, when their just super pissed that they had to wait so long for a response. I don’t blame them, and they have no difficulty letting me know how rotten it is that they had to wait.

I don’t really let other peoples unjustified outrage leak into my personal demeanor. I have an understanding of the issue but don’t take impatience as a sign of poor job performance. It doesn’t make much sense in those terms.

I am doing well and keeping myself busy while alleviating the outrageous call volume with incremental precision. I can never get caught up, the task is too overwhelming. It’s an uphill battle and most callbacks I make are with over an hour on hold. That’s going to make more grumpy people than not.

But either way things go, I’m still holding fast to my pride and work ethic. I still get compliments every day for the hard work I’m putting in. And everyone can see that I’m doing the best I can and not just flaking out. Speaking of that, it looks like my fantasy football league took its first loss, and the employee who went on vacation during training has since abandoned duty and popped by in the morning but never stayed for her shift. She just left I guess, and wanted no part of the ACTUAL job. Training was easy, apparently. Work is too hard.

So I’m 1/2 way through my day and looking forward to having a full evening with relaxation and family. I’ve been working extra after hours this week and I could really use the downtime. First I had too much of it. Now not enough. I guess that’s just the way it goes.

Getting Hammered

I’m taking billing calls now at work, and boy is that frustrating. It’s not like I have much in the way of preparedness for this stuff. I’ve been working on studying a vast new area, only to forgo using it. Instead, I was handed 4 hours of training in which I needed to have completely learned an entirely new skill, to be implemented immediately. It’s rough going, but I’m really trying to ask important questions and not assume I know how to do anything. I don’t pretend to have it all figured out. I’m gonna need some time before I get the hang of it.

But I will still keep trying hard, every day, regardless of the obstacles set against. I will surely get to resolving SOME of these billing issues, or get the ball rolling in the right direction. With hope. I think I am being appreciated for just being willing to try. I’m making the deep silence these people get come to life. I’m the only response from guided telephone menu hell. It’s sad. They just really NEED us answering their billing calls. Wait times over 2 hours is just no good.

So I had a lot to talk about when I got home. I have so little chance to share at work, I often neglect saying much of anything. I have found my desk to be the latest greatest hangout spot for any and everyone who wanders by. My little cubicle, with its chest-high partitions… it’s so very tempting to just lean in and start gabbing. I find myself entertaining at least one spectator every few minutes… and if one is there, two will surely form as others are ensnared by the clog. I don’t often have much to say, and I’m often times very busy with other tasks which need to be completed. I tried to keep myself either on the phone or doing Oracle data entry and task creation. I never really had downtime, save right at the end of the day. I was down to the last 20 minutes and that seemed to account for a day’s worth of boredom. So I have little doubt I’ll be busy again tomorrow. All day.

It’s getting to be stagnant and hot at night, not cool or refreshing like you might think. It’s balmy, and my single cover is nearly too much. I run the risk of dramatic overheating as the coolness creeps in perilously slow.

Prayer Of The Unwise

I’m stuck in a land of quiet disbelief. My hand is shaking from the terror of your reckoning. You brought down the big hammer and won the day. I was left no bones to your contentious judgement. Precarious want is the only desire remaining. And for a better run do the others wait. I’m not so easily lured for a second try, but the advancement if the blame remains.

I long for a better release. But my short term preoccupations make not for a full blown mandate. I’m knowingly unready for the precarious fate that would surely await me. A roller-coaster I’d rather not ride. The nature of the thing has been flawed each time I’ve ridden it. And while not squarely in my doing, I have had my share of blame. Times spent making sad excuses for the behavior of another. How much life did I spend pursuing a malignant variety of love? I do believe I’ve lost count of the travesty and done away with the debacle. It’s now on some other circumstance to make it right.

I’m lost in a sea of mismatching puzzle pieces. I’m not looking to have the answer sorted out just yet. But I know soon I’ll be there.

I have to forget my heartache and soldier on much as I have for these new days. I don’t particularly have a choice. Do I?

Drunken Murmurings

I’m way too drunk on alcohol right now. And you’d be surprised at my spell-check for this short portion that I have written. It’s alarming. Needless to say, I’m glad my ex has found love again. Or some semblance of the security she seeks. Whatever it may be, I hope it brings her the joy she’s so eagerly craved and deserved. I feel like she’s had a pretty tortured life and needs something she can just lean on to get her through the years. Or some such alternative. Well, however the scenario is posed, I’m still abiding my sadness alone. I’m still unfulfilled and yearning. I’m still keenly aware of how unready I actually am, and not just snapping up love from the first real opportunity presented.

I can’t blame her though, she has all the attractiveness of a shiny new plaything. It’s the question of longevity that pervades, and can only be truly answered by the test of time. This is the test I put my conceptualization of love up against. And it was felled by time. And patterns that refused to change. I wonder if she will do this all over again with this new guy, or some permutation of disaster yet unknown. I tend to think my cautious approach the wiser one, not leading me back into love before my divorce had gone final. But I leave everyone to their own devices, as I have no control over this. I wish she would take the time to change within herself the things that would need to be different if new love was to arise in her life. I’ve had and have chances to advance the cause of love in my life, but frankly, I don’t really want love right now. I’m not ready for it and my body is tired from having to do what I do already. If she’s so “on top of it” and “together” that she can handle a new healthy relationship right now than so be it. I have my disabilities, my disadvantages. I work up from the bottom of understanding.

The pleasant news is I’m doing well, and striving to be more than I am, and hoping sincerely to expand my potential. I’m not ready to be your partner, I’m still comprehending my role in the most recent disaster to affect my life. I’m not so rapidly forgetting my responsibility in this thing that I’m willing to make a whole new relationship. I’m not “getting back at you” by doing that. I’m not proving anything to anyone. I’m just doing what’s right by me, for the time being. And it’s hard to do the right thing, and obey the laws of moderation and respect my mental illness. I have no desire to repeat the same mistakes I have made. If I truly felt that I had learned everything I needed to learn from my divorce with Jax, then I would be the first guy to leap at new opportunity. But honestly, I’m a work in progress, and I know what my limits are, and what I can handle, and I’m not pretending to be ok with myself, I ACTUALLY AM OK WITH MYSELF,  which is a big improvement. I’m not abusing my body and eating crap. I’m working hard and applying myself fully. I’m trying to learn new things, while keeping myself in the priority seat of my life. These are benchmarks on the way to self improvement. Something my ex has little need of, apparently. Her admissions have been limited and her comprehension of the tragedy seem stunted. I’m not sure if she’s just going to do the same thing over again, or if my life has had any change over hers whatsoever.  I sense that not much has changed.

I feel more alienated from my peers, yet I revel in my pride over my accomplishments. Without distinguishing myself, I would have very little to praise. It’s my unique nature that makes me do the good job that I do. And I’m all the more excited to get started tomorrow and really hammer out the nature of people’s issues. I find I’m at my best when I can apply myself fully. I don’t know where we are in comparison to each other. How have we both changed? Fucked if I know. I can tell you how I’ve grown, not about how I was the victim. I’m not going to flower it up and make it seem like it all was their fault and I was just doing what I had to do. I’m a realist; if it’s anything I’ve learned from reality, it’s that nothing moves without growth, and growth comes from learning the full scope of things that took place, not just the parts we pretend we only see. Reality is brutal, and unforgiving, and not judgmental. It’s WE who apply the judgement, based on how it affects us. In all honest truth, the facts remain the same. Inarguable. Indistinguishable from the ultimate truth of their being.

I’m a person who accepts his flaws, and proceeds forward. The easy thing do do would be to cover up my flaws and re-engage love under the auspice that everything was going to be just fine and that there was no problem in the first place. I think this would just lead to disaster again for me. Honestly and truly, I’d fail trying to cover up my flaws and dysfunction gone untreated or without remedy. I would be prone to the same catastrophes that had befallen me earlier, only repeated and twice as painful.

I’m never going to suffer the way I did. I promise myself not to fall into the same pit of sadness and despair. I promise.


Jax, I hope you are all done learning, and can have a full and wonderful relationship with that guy. But I’m not so quickly healed from such a devastating blow. I have a deeper well of being that reaches it’s depths deep into suffering, a place you’re decision to vacate our life has left me. In times of anguish, I remember myself and hold firm to a belief that all things are dealt to us so that we may learn. And learn I have. I wonder if that feeling is mutual.

Goodnight Check-In

I’m rested well this weekend and I’m sure to have fun on Sunday with the Bailey tribe. Then I’m on those phones full time. You know? I’m a little daunted by the billing stuff because I don’t know that area of Oracle well enough yet. I have my own phone and extension. Am excited to get started. Really. I’m gong to have fun trying to figure out people’s various issues.

In other news: my emotions have been a little wacky of late and I’m regretful that my sister got to thinking I was being mean. Which maybe I was gruff and sweaty and exhausted. That’s my thought. I should tell her that I’m sorry I gave her the wrong impression.

My thoughts venture back to my collapse a mere 5 months ago. I still keenly remember being hauled off in a cop car. Being admitted to the ward. The first night alone, and how sleep came somewhere through the tears. I imagine it was at that time that Jax must have figured on getting out. It was a perfect time to bail. But now that I finally feel back on top of things again is when I miss her the most. I’m lost in reflections and fond memories. We had a lot of fun together. But she’s long since moved on and is finding new love. Not surprising. She’s pretty cute.

My domain has been myself, and I’ve come to restrict actions down to the utmost essential functions. I’m surviving as I should be, and going beyond the original ideas of containment. I wish there was a way that I wouldn’t have to face the impossible future alone. It’s a whimsical thought, because I probably have more to learn about myself still. My introductory period to ME has not quite ended. I’m excited to keep going the way I am. I have another lead on a place to live. Hopefully I hear back again about coming by to see it.

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 = serious problem, 10 = not a problem), rate the following:

Emotional Health:                             7

Physical Depression Symptoms:     7

Physical Anxiety Symptoms:           9

Racing Thoughts:                              10

Depressed Thoughts:                        7

Self-Esteem:                                       10

Concentration:                                   9

Enthusiasm:                                       8

Charisma:                                           10

Motivation:                                        10

Paranoia / Fear / Anxiety:             9

Outlook / Hope:                              7

OVERALL:                                   8/10

It’s Been…

Perhaps my standards are too high, because I’ve experienced that if I lower mine, I lose everything in the end. It’s because I’m feeling trapped and contained, because we only have a set few things we can talk about and share, and we are unwilling to change. It seems estrangement is the inevitable consequence of discovery, because once I have learned how vastly different we are, the more I see how I’ll never be close to you. The more separate our islands will become. I seem to think that I’ll do just fine relocating you to my island, but you’d never have that. You want to be your own island.

I get why I compromise, thinking that the short term happiness it all brings will pervade. It never does, because I’m a lot more than anyone wants to abide. I have become a relationship pariah. This is not very accurate. Though I have repeatedly set myself up for disaster, like with Jax. I don’t know what to think about myself, only that now I’m so cautions about making the same mistake that I’ve cut myself off from the prospect entirely. I feel sad that I’m going to make myself really lonely, but I guess with the way I’ve been succeeding, I’ll take the trade.

It pains me some to do this, because I have a lot of affection to pour over you. I had given a different kind of effort each time, making my definition of love a diverse thing. Because I have loved for lust, and loved for settling down, and loved for partnership against mental illness, and I’ve failed in all my times at making this last. I have some idea that I’m a part of why these things fail, but really, It was always more than they signed on for, and it became apparent that I was deep with darkness. I’m sad because this is the mind and body I’m stuck with, and I’m doing the best I can with it. At the risk of shattering more lives, or propelling them in to new directions, I’ll abstain from the game for a while. I won’t do all this in a big fat rush to fill in the gaping hole in myself that COULD be temporarily filled with love. I could rush into things, and end up repeating the same mistakes I’d made in the past. I’d hurt, all over again, and feel love die inside me again, slowly over months and weeks and days. I can’t do that again. It hurts now, still, so badly to go through what I have been through. I am utterly alone in my understanding of that.

I wish only to reestablish myself in the tree of life, to restore a semblance of social presence. I have a long way to go, but I’m impressing the people around me as I go, which I suppose is reinforcement in my positive demeanor.

The world can be a deadly cruel place, and I’m sad that it is that way. But life is not fair, and bad things do happen all the time. I’ve swallowed my regret and I’m proceeding onward. I need to learn some valuable lessons about how and why I fall in love, and when it is a good time to do that. I may face this journey alone for a long time. I guess I’m ready to do that. I’m both proud of myself, and sad too.

A Night For Forgetting

I’m looking to turn in to a vegetable but instead I’m at my Grammies house waffling with the pokes and having no fun. Last night I was up WAY TOO LATE and could not get to sleep until after 3 am. I was so terribly frustrated trying to fall to sleep all night and not succeeding. I was thoroughly bummed that I would have to face my day on 3 hours of sleep. Bummed.

So I’m trying my best after a FULL day of training and implementation. I learned the basics of zeacom VoIP software. I crammed my head with new knowledge and the day slumped over on me. I’m losing the fight to fatigue. I already drank a beer and I feel like sleep is right behind my eyes. It is gnawing on the edge of my brain. Monday I’m in the queue full time and zapping calls all day long. I imagine that I’m going to not lose a second to boredom. It sucks that I had to barf through Friday. It was an agonizingly slow day. They tried to cram my head with knowledge in 4 hours then feed me to the billing queue. I was not prepared. Tried to study. Poured my attention into the tutorials I had been given. I tried.

So it’s a busy weekend turbo. I’ve got engagements every day. I will not have time to vegetate. This displeases me greatly. I’m trying my best to stay with it but this is hard as hell.

I’m going to bed for 14 hours I fucking swear.

It Clearly Cheats

I’ve had back to back victories with the Tau Empire against the Insane AI. I had them first as Space Marines on Frostbite River. I got myself off to a fast start but to be honest, leaving the AI setting on Insane was a mistake. I had no intention of fighting the Insane AI. I wanted to win, not struggle hard then die. But by the time I figured something was different, the game had already been won. I was marching in tier 3 and there was no stopping me. I capped and defended both slag deposits. I was not harassed in any meaningful way. They uncapped my critical location, but I took it right back, then marched across the river and uncapped both of theirs and started mashing their relic with missile artillery. Skyrays can’t take much punishment, but they can sure dish it out. I usually make 5 to 8 of them and trail them behind the battle line and let them unmercifully pound things into mush.

I did the exact same thing against Imperial Guard on Fallen City and they put up a bit more fight. But it came down to one Baneblade vs like 60 Sunfire Battlesuits and yeah. Then I had Hammerheads with the Fusion Blaster upgrade and they decimated any and eventually all structures. I had them knocking Valkyries out of the sky in a few hits. Like I said. Really nothing they did worked out. I had an answer, and I had it first.

I’m not sure what to make of all this. I’ve had runs if good luck against the Insane AI before, but never anything so disproportionately mine. I owned 60% of the battlefield from the get go, and only INCREASED control of the map. Yet I was SOUNDLY beaten in the resource department an average of my 26,500 to their 38,000 or more. That’s total resources, and in one game I HAD BOTH SLAG DEPOSITS aaaaaand I still got out gained in Power. How can this be?

I’ve come to the realization that the Insane AI cheats. It can’t win on its own fucking merits so it massively out gains regardless of actual points captured. I think that’s a tad silly. If you gave the AI a decent build order, maybe they wouldn’t have to cheat to be competitive. And I can’t even fathom what Dark Eldar will be like. They’re enough if a problem on Harder… sure, give them a great early economy and see how they spend it. I’ll give you one guess, and if the answer isn’t “Hellions” then we can’t be friends anymore.

It’s WAY past my bedtime. Goodnight.

Playlist: Benevolence And The Reckoning

Not sure what I was thinking here. I’m in a bit of a tumultuous state with my schedule and all. I’m doing great, but sometimes I get so reflective, internal, sad. I often look at my past and remember how good I had it. How hard it is now. SO it comes from that sort of place.

1. Imagine A Man – The Who
2. Now Or Never – Kenny Loggins
3. Eye In The Sky – The Alan Parsons Project
4. Paint It Black – The Rolling Stones
5. Whiskey In The Jar – Metallica
6. Ride Like The Wind – Christopher Cross
7. Carry On – Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
8. Long Distance Runaround – Yes
9. Keep On Going – Fleetwood Mac
10. Walking On The Moon – The Police
11. Praying For Time – George Michael
12. While My Guitar Gently Weeps – The Beatles
13. Sacrifice – Elton John
14. In Your Room – The Bangles
15. Fragile – Sting
16. Same Old Lang Syne – Dan Fogelberg
17. The Sound Of Silence – Simon & Garfunkel

Ride Like The Wind – Christopher Cross

It is the night
My body’s weak
I’m on the run
No time to sleep
I’ve got to ride
Ride like the wind
To be free again

And I’ve got such a long way to go
To make it to the border of Mexico
So I’ll ride like the wind
Ride like the wind

I was born the sun of a lawless man
Always spoke my mind with a gun in my hand
Lived nine lives
Gunned down ten
Gonna ride like the wind

And I’ve got such a long way to go
To make it to the border of Mexico
So I’ll ride like the wind
Ride like the wind

Accused and tried and told to hang
I was nowhere in sight when the church bells rang
Never was the kind to do as I was told
Gonna ride like the wind before I get old

And I’ve got such a long way to go
To make it to the border of Mexico
So I’ll ride like the wind
Ride like the wind


I get a healthy dose of procedures on a daily basis, my being in a training program and all. It’s been fun, but at last, we’re down to our last day in the conference room. Personally, I’m going to be fine on the phone, because I enjoy helping people figure out their problems. It’s hard, because I had to learn how to operate all sorts of machines that I had never before known how to use. I’m now a deadly expert in drive thru equipment. I can find out what brand, model name frequency and other specifics of your individual headset configuration. Or do you use a belt pack? I could go on, because I was asked by my bosses to learn this material, and learn it good. So I put my best effort in to it, and produced a lot of extra resources which helped myself and others learn the material even faster. I fear for them, because they have no confidence in what they’re doing. You can’t act like a bafoon on the phone with people, you have to compose yourself, speak clearly, and get to the point without wasting everyone’s time.

We’ll be in the Exchange Queue to start, because people who call in there don’t have advanced issues and are usually just looking to swap broken equipment for working ones via mail. This takes the precision skill with the software platform they made us learn to use, because data entry can’t be fucked up. It HAS to be done right every time. Otherwise, you didn’t do your job right Honcho.

I have little doubt that I’ll catch on quickly, and I’m really looking to make a splash with those other DTOC guys. They’ve all been in there for months, years together, and I’m just getting started. I want to blow them away with me-power. I can’t wait to get on those phones and start hammering out some calls. That will be fucking awesome. I know I’m going to do great at this. There’s no hesitation. They gave me a month, I have done well.

I made that playlist and I’ve been listening to it like in a loop forever. I think I still like it. I can’t really NOT listen to it. It’s all really good music. Every song. And it has a rhythm and a flow. I do that with my playlists. I don’t just schlock some shit together and call it bamsauce. That’s not my way at all bro.

In other words, I like the Red Envy playlist

Down the road, I emailed a lady about an apartment I saw on Craigslist. Hopefully she gets back to me and I can go see the space. Maybe moving out sooner than later.


Bored done bones
Stiff cooked wood shakes
Stripped marrow core
Blanched stark in horror
Shelved laments
Canvas painted a muted hue
Adult intentions–
Being mired in clothes
Twig snap a crisp
Shift a fallen pale leaf
Sun kissed moments
Soured with regret
She breaks like–
A deadly storm.
Harbors frothing
My whole word boils–
Her name.
Tangential wandering
Steeped and packed with mud
Chortle away
The day, the night
Tomorrow or forever
His eyes are that blue
Yesterday the sun
I’ll dance the moon

Apocalyptic Thoughts

It’s a gaming and real life post. I’ve adapted my strategy yet again in the ongoing fray between Will and I. Recently the move has been towards plateauing around tier 2 and at least posing an offensive threat long before thinking about tier 3. It takes me a little longer to get into tier 2 and I don’t know why. I play poorly on the weekends when I get stoned all day. But even then, Will has some adjusting to do in order to compensate for my tier 2 push. I’ll scrap over middle ground, and only really intend to push when I sense he’s out of troops. Bases are easy to eat with Kroot Hounds.

Also, a new week is starting and I am hopeful that some change is going to be enacted as it pertains to my cohort of the largely indifferent. I choose to believe that good behavior is rewarded in this world, not bad. But I’m prepared for the alternatives. Whatever that looks like. I’m at the whims of chance, as are we all. I tend not to struggle too profoundly against my spot in the societal machine. I rather enjoy the privilege of having a spot in the first place. So here we are, at the end of one week and starting a fresh new one. I’m just pickled.

An Introspective Glimpse

I’m enjoying a Sunday without work and the related stresses. Franky though, I can’t say I’m at all struggling there. I’m doing quite well, and going above and beyond in most respects. I do this for my own reasons, not because I’m expecting some sort of dividend from my investment. The market is respect and the currency is effort. I’m rising stock, if those metaphorical circumstances maintain. I’m really only encumbered with my laundry, which is now down to 1 measly load per week. Nice. Efficiency is at a premium. My life in the most external of parameters is good. Arguably, the more internal this look becomes, the more unsettled landscape there is to behold. I my emotional consistency is in a turbid state between resolve and longing. I find no solace in others right now. There are hardly any who have garnered my respect, or would even know what to do with my respect if they had it.

It makes me stop and think that my little Fantasy Football League might be doomed because 3 of the people in it come from the stock of delinquent, giggly trainees. I think that even if they lose their jobs, nothing is preventing them from participating in the league. If they flake out entirely, I’ll find someone to replace them with before we draft. But other than that, I really have no acute worries. My bank account continues to go up as I get paid and don’t spend anything. I have enough money now to start thinking about a move out come mid August.

I found this check in template back from early 2013, when I was a lot more responsible about my mental health:

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 = serious problem, 10 = not a problem), rate the following:

Emotional Health:                             8

Physical Depression Symptoms:     9

Physical Anxiety Symptoms:           10

Racing Thoughts:                              10

Depressed Thoughts:                        9

Self-Esteem:                                       10

Concentration:                                   9

Enthusiasm:                                       10

Charisma:                                           10

Motivation:                                        10

Paranoia / Fear / Anxiety:             10

Outlook / Hope:                              9

OVERALL:                                   9/10

July Mood Album – Red Envy

1. Always With Me, Always With You – Joe Satriani
2. Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) – Journey
3. I Didn’t Mean To Turn You On – Robert Palmer
4. Should’ve Known Better – Richard Marx
5. Woman In Chains – Tears For Fears
6. Transmaniacon MC – Blue Oyster Cult
7. The Voice – The Moody Blues
8. Otherside – Red Hot Chili Peppers
9. Jet – Paul McCartney & Wings
10. Roundabout – Yes
11. Policy Of Truth – Depeche Mode
12. Back In Black – AC/DC
13. Wild World – Cat Stevens
14. Zanzibar – Billy Joel
15. Never – Heart
16. No One Like You – Scorpions
17. The Power Of Love – Huey Lewis & The News

Timing Is Key – Ultimate Apocalypse Game Theory

I’ve been working exclusively with the Tau Empire, and I believe I have a set order that takes me through the first 9 minutes (or more) of the game. I get through tiers 1 – 3 as fast as I can manage, which makes the first economic moments of each game all the more important. I level my economy each time I graduate into a tier, that way, By the time my tier 3 economic upgrades hit, I’m able to MASSIVELY produce units by auto queuing them. I auto build Hammerhead Gunships, Swordfish Gunships, and XV8 Sunfire Battlesuits and flood the battlefield with them. There’s not a whole lot of unit combinations out there that can effectively stop that attack, along with nearly level 8 commanders. My strategy breaks down to a few essential timing points:

At 2:30 you should be in tier 1

At 6:30 you should be in tier 2

At 9:30 you should be in tier 3

Game will end somewhere after you make tier 3, because all the best stuff is finally available. It makes sense to plateau here, because at this point, your economy can support huge troop production and STILL level its commanders. I’ve had them at level 8 in several matches, and depending on the map, things will unfurl differently.

The last few matches with Will, I’ve noticed that I have more production capacity than he does, because I can hit the field with WAY more units than he can handle. That’s the tipping point. Being in tier 3 is non negotiable. Be there or be dead when I get there. I know our two distinct builds are showing their merits and flaws. Mine, clearly flawed to expose myself early. If will attacked earlier, he might succeed in stopping my economy from getting going or some such. I don’t favor a strategy change that takes us closer to rush and farther from progression, but I do believe some concepts of the game can’t be ignored. If I’m able to go, unperturbed, into tier 3 and attack on MY schedule, I’m going to win. You have to make ME change my priority to dealing with YOU, and I don’t entirely know how to achieve that, but it deserves some thought. It might take just claiming 60% of everything. That’s SURE to create a fight.

Anyway. Game concepts. If you’re not being adequately stimulated by your game, get a new game.


Tipping Point Reached

I’ve finally had enough of the group at work. It’s gone too far. People are flagrantly disregarding any sort of professionalism and respect. It’s stunning, really. I find Laurel to be a breath of fresh air, bringing a bunch of new knowledge into my world. All these other jokers may or may not be here next week. Who fucking knows. But I’d really be shocked if delinquency, lateness, absent minded nattering, meaningless anecdotes, racist jokes and bored stares were rewarded with lots of job security. In fact, I may just have to clarify my idea if “rightness” in the world. I don’t think I’m barking up the wrong tree with my dedication, professionalism and performance beyond what was being asked. I have no fear for myself, but THEY should have the fear, and the fact that they DON’T bothers me a bunch. I wrote an email to Laurel at lunch, because I was getting sick of Jew jokes, silly laughter and then an onslaught of questions directed at ME because they were not paying attention when Laurel showed us all the first time. I want to be clear: their behavior is dramatically impairing my ability to proceed. Its awful in there. It HAS to change.

So I pleaded with Laurel for sympathy. I asked her to pass my words on to someone higher up the food chain, and to keep my involvement out of the reprisals. I just want a safe, happy workplace environment full of people who value their jobs. That might be asking WAY too much at this point, but discipline is an order. Something must be done.

So, the cog wheels are turning in some way. I’m sated that I was appreciated and understood for my plight. Laurel is RIGHT THERE WITH ME. I certainly hope that place gets some kind of wake-up call.

No One Like You – Scorpions

Girl, it’s been a long time that we’ve been apart
Much to long for a man who needs love
I miss you since I’ve been away
Babe, wasn’t easy to leave you alone
It’s getting harder each time that I go
If I had the choice I would stay

There’s no one like you
I can’t wait for the nights with you
I imagine the things well do
I just want to be loved by you
No one like you
I can’t wait for the nights with you
I imagine the things well do
I just want to be loved by you

Girl, there are really no words strong enough
To describe all my longing for love
I don’t want my feelings restrained
Oh babe, I just need you like never before
Just imagine you’d come through this door
You’d take all my sorrow away

There’s no one like you
I can’t wait for the nights with you
I imagine the things well do
I just want to be loved by you
No one like you
I can’t wait for the nights with you
I imagine the things well do
I just want to be loved by you

A Flaw In The Apocalypse?

So I’ve been competitively gaming with Will now for 16 matches, in which I have won 14 and lost 2 (87.5%). It’s been an evolving strategy, but the most recent permutation, in which XV8 Sunfire Battlesuits are my primary unit, I’ve run the board against every single opposing unit, every time. The lynchpin of this entire transaction is the XV89 Bodyguard command squad. As I have detailed in the past, That squad is beefy, and clearly the best tier 2 thing the Tau Empire can build. They get stronger at tier 3, once I buy the ranged Tau weapon tech. Tau weapons get 2 upgrades, one at tier 1, the other at tier 3. It makes most rapid fire plasma units hard to stop. Anyway, the XV89s are essential, and behind them I bring the XV22 and XV89 commanders. They have a shield, and can sit in fire and take immense amounts of damage, and return heavy DPS. Once they level past 4, they usually have all their special weapons and armor improvements, which makes them even insaner. The XV89 commander has a grenade launcher which knocks down clusters of infantry at a time, and it has a 2 second reload time. He makes mayhem. But more to the point, I can usually count on the XV89 Bodyguards to handle damn near anything attacking me as I’m quietly leveling to tier 3. With 5 command units total comprising my ENTIRE offensive force, I can drive off any form of assault and not lose anyone, and then reinforce them with Sunfire Battlesuits and Hammerhead Gunships. It’s really, really hard to stop that.

The real question I have here is that: are the XV89 Bodyguard command squad OP? If I don’t turn their shield off, they can sit there with no shield and still take a beating and not die. If you don’t have poison, or fire, they’re not at all easy to destroy. Will has put 6 full, outfitted infantry battalions against my  1 (3 unit) command squad and been soundly defeated. He says that those infantry units were specifically upgraded and equipped to deal with heavy infantry and vehicles, of which battlesuits both count, I think, and even that was no go. I, at the moment, have no real logical answer for his predicament. I suggested using poison, which he tried with an area of affect thingie, which was also ineffective. I have yet to have him try fire or plasma, which may incur success. I’ll keep you posted as the next time we are likely to get together tomorrow.


In the mean time, I’ve been cruising at +14:30 minute victories, peaking around the +10:00 minute mark in tier 3. I can get through the tiers pretty fast, and faster depending on the map, and how quickly I can get to the resources, and how much walk-time there is between points, and so on. Hammerheads are deadly good, fire a ton of rounds, and have a multifunction upgradable main gun with 4 customization options beyond the default. XV8 Sunfire Battlesuits have anti-infantry or anti-armored vehicle weapon customization options per squad of 3. I can adapt on the fly, and mix the weapon upgrades on my XV8s in order to get the most effective use of them, cutting down specific classes of units in targeted, coordinated strikes. I make good micromanaging decisions with what little actual standing infantry I will allow to enter the mix. Usually my barracks is in use making battlesuits, but I wills stop and make a squad of Fire Warriors… but mostly because battlesuits can’t cap points. Fuckers. They think of everything. Make me build 1 pathetically outclassed infantry squad and run them around the battlefield capping points surrendered as my army destroys any and all unfriendly listening posts en route to domination.

I wish I knew the Chaos Space Marines better, but frankly, I’ve grown so nostalgic over them that it only ever reminds me of Will to face them. I’d never play them, given how little interest I have in destroying that perfectly good situation I have now. My relationship with Chaos is exclusively adversarial.

Well, that’s all I have for now. I’m going to have a few more rounds with the HR (who I seem to be able to dominate and only fret if facing Dark Eldar).



Broken rings
Falling into snowflakes
Driven by combustion
Ash alighting from distant fire
Take down the memories
Burned up in hate
Beguiled to lie and conceal
The ever blazing truth
Of loneliness after disaster
The parchment scraps of reason
Dueled by delinquency
Lost in plain sight
Forgotten by her lovers
Sad autumn trees lose their leaves
Carpets of regret
Turning the page of life
Without pause
The story goes on

Lost Moments

I hear music or lyrics and all I can do is remember her. “Marry that girl. Marry her anyway. No matter what you say.”

It seems fitting that my heart, being so capable of feeling, that when broken, causes no end of strife. I really do miss those big huge hugs I used to get when I came home.

Though to be honest, it was never really very enthusiastic. Especially when she started losing interest in the relationship. Things got distant in a hurry, and then we were just two autonomous beings sharing a space in which to live. Going from “in love” to that was excruciating to watch, and live. I tried to reestablish intimacy, but only I wanted it back. At the first clear opportunity to get out of that loveless arrangement, you made your move. I don’t blame you… it just sucks.

I’m aware of my shortcomings, and striving not to venture into dangerous territory again. My heart is largely out of the equation. It serves no practical function in my work environment or at home, so I try and keep my mind focused on the task at hand. I have everything to lose and very little to gain. Love has been ditched on the side of the road and is now hitch-hiking back to its home.

Sometimes I feel like someone is trying to flatten my heart in my chest, or tear it out entirely. I get frustrated with hurt, diminished by sadness. Time and it’s ever incessant passing are helping to harden me against emotional woes, but the fight wages on. Little reminders are painful, unintentional triggers which get me to thinking about how fundamentally un-hugged I am.

Little Wrinkles My Brain Has Made

It’s going to be a long yet surprisingly active week for me. I’m learning the company’s software platform and it’s arduous, as all proprietary software is just that. It’s slow, cripplingly slow going for some of my coworkers, who are really starting to get the reality check I for so long had anticipated they would. Laurel, our instructor, is not like my supervisor at all. He’s a laid back kinda dude guy bro buddy pal. She’s here on the company dime to teach us a skill in 10 days and it is imperative we learn it. Some of us are already on that path, some are not. This process ends in a test, so it’s not like half-assing it is going to cut it this time. My teaching tools are useless here, where everything is scripted and the curriculum lasts only as long as there is material to dispense. I admire Laurel for having the right attitude. That room does not agree with her though, and that makes me sad. She’s going to have enemies, if she doesn’t already. And who knows if these employees are even going to stick with the company. They seem like a lot of freeloaders looking to cash some checks and get away with doing as little as possible. If they don’t have the “run in with the law” now, it will just happen at some point down the road. Justice is survival, frankly. I’ve already seen my coworkers looking for ridiculous ways to spend the money they make, on Alienware brand computers and other nonsensical horeseshit. I don’t understand you people. You squander your greatest resource, your mind, just like you do your money. I truly feel sorry for you, because I’M YOUR COMPETITION, not your friend. I’m going to set the curve on that exam, you’d better believe it. And no I don’t care about the most recent Transformers movie, or it’s motifs. Wait… you wanted to talk about motifs? Get the fuck out.

So not to natter on about troubling signs at work, but I just had to get all that off my chest. I’ve been in there for three weeks, and I try not to be a part of the conversation too much. No one really wants to talk to me anyway. I have interests that go above and beyond the average hooligan’s aspirations. I think about time, astronomy, the patterns of weather, the pacific tectonic plate, and so on. No one gives a shit about my abstract thoughts. Frankly, every time I do manage to talk about something relevant, like PC games, I’m still not playing a game anyone has ever played, nor would even want to play. To them, RTS isn’t fun, it’s stressful, and stupid. Somehow. Actually I find the more an intellectual you are, the more likely you are to play a game like Dawn of War: Soulstorm. I come from a small percentile… I’m keenly aware of this. I go through the day learning things, absorbing as is my job, and keeping all these secret little message thoughts tucked away for the evening when I can come home and rant!

Well, regardless. I’m writing out my thoughts that on one in my whole day gets to hear, save YOU GUYS.

I’m doing great though. I can’t abide the absenteeism of the mind that goes on during my day. I have to vent somewhere. I have to have a safe place where I can go and have big intellectual thoughts and ponder all sorts of things. Fuck, I was curious why the Salton Sea stays full in the Imperial County desert… turns out, it was created on accident by people, and is so far below sea level that it taps natural groundwater and stays solvent. Even with no run off and hardly enough rainfall, it maintains as California’s largest lake. Bet you didn’t know that 10 seconds ago.



Spent Yearning

In between little pauses in my thinking, I find myself remembering her. Little flecks of happy thoughts like snowflakes falling and shattering on the ground. There are so many mistakes we grow to live with, and so many times the lie begins to taste old. Hopelessly mounting a fight against the world is a great way to become sick of it. I’m not going to the edge of sorrow now or anymore about this because the wound is old and healing. Things that are gone won’t be changed. It’s just as life can be; mercurial and surprising. I’ve been thinking a lot about my place in the grand scheme. I don’t really want anything more than a chance to impress those around me. That seems satisfactory for my purposes.

I’m occasionally aware of just how solitary I am. Sitting here in the moments before work, I feel alone and sad. I miss having someone near who I could always relate to. Someone who would in turn comprehend and appreciate me. I think I have a lot of good to offer the general public. I’m funny and smart and outgoing. I get these flashes of sadness, like burps of old memory coming back to pester me. It’s not anyone’s fault, but these times hang on my heart and make me feel distressed, discombobulated and weary.

You know that feeling of security you get when SOMEONE is there waiting for you? It’s one of the best feelings around. I remember coming home and just savoring that moment I got to the door, unlocked it, and flung it open stating that I had, at last, come home. And the excited “hello” that was waiting for me. And a big overdue hug.

I don’t know what I need anymore. Things are happening, but I’m still having trouble letting go all the way. I yearn for something I’ll never get back. If ever there is to be a return to feeling, I would need to build a new life with someone new and the work seems daunting. Especially since every single time I try this it fails and ends in heartbreak. I can’t put my family through another episode like that. I don’t want it for myself either. It’s too much to think about too soon. I know that the days of this feeling being painful are passing. But damnit. Not. Fast. Enough.

Notes From Mplayer Battle

I’ve had a few more bouts with good Sir Will, and Tau have lost one, but remain in firm control of 3 others. Once ineffective Barracudas were done away with, I graduated to Hammerhead Gunships, XV89 Bodyguards and similar battlesuit class squadrons. I have him puzzled, at the moment, as most of my late game pulse weapons get outstandingly good later on through the tech tiers. By the time the XV8 Sunfire Battlesuits are out, the thing is leaning heavily to my direction. Recent bouts have belong to Will early in the game, as some of his tier 1 and tier 0 stuff is better than mine. But recently, lack of continued offensive pressure and riding one good wave of troops into my base does not always cinch the deal. I was able to repel him from the center of my base, as I was losing production buildings, and forced him back into his base, and beat him there. Battlesuits carried my last two victories, easily. I haven’t even built the really nasty ones yet.

But either way, this clearly presents a challenge which must have a solution of some form. Those battlesuits have a weakness, and I’m willing to bet an equivalent tier melee unit would go to work on them. Even in this last round, I continued to build units deep into tier 3, and only really cranked production on Hammerheads and XV8s. These recent campaigns have left him with no answer to the Sunfire Battlesuit, and my army has largely consisted of them with the various anti-infantry or anti-structure upgrades. They dispense a good deal of firepower and last a really long time in heated battle. They are uncompromisingly rad. And Hammerheads have 4 upgrade options for the main gun, all of which can work to eliminate vehicles, structures or infantry. I could tell he was feeling frustrated in the end, but that’s the way it goes when you’re beating your head against a strategy that won’t work in the execution stage. The planning stage might be done with, but something is not translating from conceptualization to actualization. I imagine he will figure out how to stop those XV8s soon enough. I may have to lean on the Swordfish Gunship more than I already do as the lynchpin of my army.

All in all, I’ve been able to come back from NEAR the brink of destruction, and win. My record with Tau Empire at 6-1 (85.7%). I find I’ve been adapting my existing build order quite a bit to fit the nature and peculiarity of my foe’s choices. I don’t know if Chaos can keep up with Tau in tier 3, so far, he’s put some tier 3 things against my Hammerheads and lost them all. I have heard complaints as to their ineffectiveness. But everything in this game is about those little unit on unit matchups, and what kinds of damage they do, and so on. Sometimes an otherwise useless unit might be the perfect counter to early aircraft, or some other strategy.

Conclusion: things are going to change day to day, as we get more of these matchups under our belts. For the longest time, I have gone on periods of having no answer for some of Will’s tactics. Whereas, sometimes he has gone on for periods not knowing how to get the better of mine. I will need to keep my actions and objectives fluid in order to stay at that impressive 7 game average.

Breaking NEWS: Ultimate Apocalypse 1.74

Through Cylarne’s broken english we have an update from the UA team. 1.74 is well underway and could even be released within the month. They are calling out for bugfixes and error reports desperately, so when they do release, it’s as complete as it can be. 1.74 will completely reset the Chaos Space Marines, yes bro, that’s right: overhaul. Just as he was getting used to playing them. Hehe. The 1.74 overhaul will primarily affect Necrons, Tyranids, Sisters, Chaos and Imperial Guard. These factions are all getting balance issues addressed as well as unit additions and whatnot. I think EVERY faction will be rebalanced or tweaked as needed, and we may even all get at least one new unit out of the deal. Got my fingers crossed for that new battlesuit!

So the call came out to report bugs, and I have only really noticed one bug in the Kroot Alpha tooltip. It reads for Imperial Guard units, of which the Kroots are not. I reported this bug just now. Other than that, I think I’m just sitting back excitedly awaiting the arrival of two new factions, a slew of balance issues, and new units. I’m going to have fun discovering the mechanical tweaks all over again, and probably sooner rather than later. The way this is sounding, they’re close to the end on production and just hammering out the bugs.

I am hopeful, at least.

The Human Element

I’ve had the desire to coordinate playing a multiplayer game of Ultimate Apocalypse with Will, since he recently downloaded and installed it. We gave it a test run on Hamachi, in which Eldar (me) lost to Chaos Space Marines. In a most displeasing fashion as well. I had nothing that could stop his daemons.

Tonight, we squared off as Tau Empire (me) met Chaos Space Marines. The speed of our engagement was significantly faster than yesterday, and we began quarreling near the 6 minute mark over a middle relic. He defended the hell out of it and left me with few options but to expand and unseat his position. I accomplished this with Barracudas and Kroot Hounds with a few Krootox at the end. Being unable to stop the Barracudas, defeat was inevitable.

For a change of pace, I set myself as Tyranids vs the tried and true Chaos Space Marines. Tyranids lack a substantive counter to most anything ranged in tier 0 and tier 1. Hormagaunts were shelled with mortars. Termegaunts as well. Lictors killed infantry, but then he brought in some aircraft… which Tyranids appeared incapable of destroying. They have no counter to aircraft. This is exactly why I took to Facebook’s UA page and asked the developers to give them a tier 1 flying unit or an equivalent. Anyway, he annihilated me.

We played two more games, both Tau Empire vs Chaos Space Marines, both victories for me. Tau Empire has vehicles which are hard to reckon with. Barracudas hover above melee range and punish vehicles and buildings. Skyray Missile Gunships have tier 2 artillery missile upgrades and can fire off a full payload deployment every few minutes. They hammer infantry and buildings. I used each in the two games, hitting back hard after his initial offensive. I backed up the vehicles with Kroot Hounds and Krootox. They took care of most anything on the ground. The final blow was dealt by persistent vehicles on an auto build.

It’s amazing to face a human foe. I remember that Eldar game, the first one, I was actually nervous and antsy. It did terrible things to my game, as I had my hat handed to me.

So far, I have yet to lose with Tau Empire. They have ambitious intentions if used wisely. I’ve found a way to balance the two races (Tau and Kroot) and achieve great speed and deadly efficiency. I can make the Tau Empire go fast dude. I dilly dally in tier 2, building hounds to fuel the 12:00 mark offensive. Our games are short, sometimes only 14:00. To me, there must be a damn good reason to go to battle so soon. I’d rather coil back and wait for my technologies to be ready, then execute a militaristic strike. I can manage about 4 commander level upgrades before the game is over, or he dies.

Humans make unpredictable decisions. Like the aircraft move. Or the ranged artillery move. I get you. But for me, humans never do the same thing twice. They’re always adapting, modifying.

I can already tell, we’re in for some fun.

Remember To Whisper

All secret thoughts sound like whispers in my mind. Not shouting. Not even normal speech. But whispering. Strange.

It’s as if I’m still afraid to have thoughts and BARELY take responsibility for them. But I know better than this. I’m better grounded now than ever before. Why are my thoughts still afraid?

I sit in my jeep at lunch and eat my food. Quietly and politely. I often find my thoughts drifting to George Michael songs that remind me of my ex wife. Lyrics haunt me for days at a time. But this is me. I’m a fractured person, with demented patterns. I live ensnared in a mesh of ropes hanging over the abyss. Politely said.

Clearly I’m not partnership material. Once you get close to me, there’s no real safety left. I tend to throw my trust in from the get go. And I have to be flat out unhorsed to be stricken with an inability to effectively communicate. My language is a broadsword. Bitch.

I worked my ass off today, putting together two huge 70 slide power points for our training purposes. I provided the knowledge and initiative. My boss went out of his way to thank me for that. He appreciates a hard worker when he sees one. And I know I’ve impressed him.

I can walk tall at that office, because I’m earning respect with how I carry myself, how I behave, how I dress, and so on. I’m helping everyone out, and simultaneously earning the trust and admiration of my superiors. If my supervisor hasn’t said something about me to HIS boss I’d be shocked.

These are the aspects of incentivized good will that inspire me to act as I do. With respect, dignity, and pride.

I think that distinguishes me from the rest. They aren’t looking for a way to separate themselves from the flock. I’m sprinting towards the horizon with no one anywhere near me. I know I’ll get to know all those agents, and eventually I’ll be right there slinging calls with the best of them. I can’t wait to just be out there on the phones, doing the real work of helping people. I take so much from what I can do for YOU. It lifts me up to know my knowledge and advice helped you realize your problem could be resolved. These are the blocks that build my foundation.

A weary mind begs for sleep, and so to must I.

Time Of Life

I’ll bend your ear for a minute, if you give me a chance to whisper. I’ve got a handful of good jokes and a ton of miscellaneous science knowledge. When in doubt, use a metaphor!

Life is not meant to be spent meandering. It’s an active exercise in coordination followed by lots of driving. I find myself stumbling across these sentences. Perhaps there is more to the thought than we are capable of perceiving. I mean, without a side tone, how would we ever be able to talk to each other on the phone? I go apeshit if I can’t hear myself talking. It’s mind numbing not to hear your own voice. It’s like being deprived of your ultimate uniqueness. Which is why I wonder a lot about why so many people are OK with squandering their speech to some rudimentary grunt-based level. I have people in my social circle that basically speak their own language, and I only SORTA get it.

On nights like this, my mind will REFUSE to settle down until I’ve made a great deal of words. I’ve gleaned a bushel of new knowledge from my experiences of late. I think that’s a dutiful practice, the sculpting of the brain. The mind is an ever evolving thing, constantly plagued with our poor decisions and lack of attention paid. The mind is a rotten organ for most, who struggle for language and are limited to immediate experiential perception. This mode is disturbing, because it’s just plain EASY to let your brain deteriorate into mayonnaise. It’s all too common, because having your mind CHALLENGED is a pain in the ass my friend. It’s hard to learn, grow, PROGRESS. These things take a great deal of effort, and the mind is only weak because it is UNDERUSED. It’s a deadly weapon, if sharpened and tempered. But I don’t expect that to be a universal truth. Clearly it is not, because we are so easily, communally swayed by the whims of events, emotions, fleeting fancies. We are sensory based receivers and refuse to adapt because no one is threatening our dominance of existence. People lead privileged, unqualified, unearned lives. I do not.

In fact, my brain is abnormal, because it refuses to conduct messages in my brain across resource depleted synaptic gaps. Things are already hard folks. It’s an uphill battle from hard, to harder, to holy shit the weight of the world is smashing my skull in! I don’t panic easily, thankfully. I can be pretty rational under extreme duress. Often too rational… but that’s a tangent. Anyway, I struggle to survive because I’LL BE DAMNED IF THIS FUCKING ILLNESS WILL KEEP ME DOWN FOREVER. Albeit, things are going to be absurdly difficult from time to time, and I may lose a great many battles, but I refuse to just go away and be eaten by my disease. I can let my mind turn into silly putty if I want, but I don’t want. I’d rather be really, really smart.

And my mind, for all it’s defectatude, is a tremendously creative and original place (as some of you have figured out). I’ve worked hard to get where I am, and I’ve fucked up a whole lot… but I’m learning, really learning valuable things from the mistakes I have made. At least, I’m trying. I put a lot of effort into what I do, because I have only one way to represent myself in this world, and if you meet me, you will perceive me in a way that I intend you to. I do not mislead with false demeanor, or construe my objective. I’ll lay it down: this life we live in is a big fucking race, and the people winning the race are the ones who will do ANYTHING to win. You and I aren’t going to compete with them, frankly. But we CAN still strive, like they do, emulating qualities that define, not hinder our morality. My heart tells me to act like I want to be perceived, so, I do that to the best of my ability. I know I’m not going to win at the race of life. I don’t really want to. I’d rather just define myself as a human being, as best I can, and live a life that makes me proud to be me. I do the RIGHT THING every time. Because I won’t betray you, and I’ll sure as hell try to not let you down. I don’t want to be someone of societal relevance, I’d just rather try to figure out how to be me instead.

And I’ve got a lot of work to do still.

53 Days To Go…


My fantasy football league has finally filled with managers. Since I got this job, I’ve been exposed to a whole new set of individuals who may or may not be into that sort of thing. I threw an email out to the agents today, and one of them came back and wanted in. The field is full! 8 teams, diverse, 11 roster spots, individual defensive player, PPR/PPA/PPC. A flex (W/R/T) spot, and a HUGE flex spot (Q/W/R/T). See what I mean? I’ve been planning this for a long time, and even had a FULL season test run with the first Detail Oriented league. This year, no mechanical issues, just clean good fuck yeah fun.

I’ve been asleep, waiting for the NFL to come. All this World Cup horeshit gets me laughing. What a retarded sport. It’s a sport decided by a MINIMUM of action, often resulting in scoreless ties, which then are resolved with this fucking penalty kick type thing. It’s insane. And they fake injury, and the refs go right along with it. Their sport is corrupt, slow, boring and idiotic. The NFL is in a class all its own. With STUNNING athletics, talented position players, and unique, chess-like roles, maneuvers, plays, scripts and movements all calculated, pondered and second guessed by hundreds of staff. Players strive, dive, leap and hurl themselves in amazing, heart-pounding ways, every single season. I can’t tell you how authentically amazing the NFL is. And by no means do I condone the violence and thuggery that goes on in the NFL, and the devious lying and tactics and arrests and all of that. I’m aware of it. No one’s perfect. I don’t hold the sport responsible for it’s players, and the NFL has integrity in areas where most other sports don’t compare. It’s not an argument, but a statement of fact.

Peace be with you travelers. My league being full will no doubt render me capable of mocking until my head blows up. In fact, I’m about to go do that right fucking now. See ya. Oh, and by the way, I draft 3rd.

My Journey

I have been diagnosed Bipolar II, with social anxiety and ADD. These things do not, in any relevant way, inform about what I actually experience as a result of having been professionally examined. The label is only there to classify a group of symptoms, which are generally the same across case studies. MY personal experience with Bipolar really doesn’t have any relevance to YOUR alternate experience. We are distinct, yet aligned because we still cycle, we still know what Bipolar Depression feels like. We know what mania is and how to handle those extreme highs. In some form, we are both struggling with a pattern of symptoms, in two vastly different ways. I know my journey doesn’t really have an end. I intend for it NOT to. In my opinion, mental health is the priority of my life, because without giving it the respect it deserves, I have been beaten down and lost everything. My life has been reduced to shambles, more than once, and I was left to rebuild. Nothing about a journey with no end is easy. It’s hard. A pain in the ass in fact. But it’s what DEFINES me. What makes me so vastly different than you. I am of a distant, not oft used radio frequency and few others monitor this signal. My journey may keep throwing new obstacles in my way, but so too will blessings be dealt. Life doesn’t just fuck you for doing your best and being honest… it may fuck you for a while, but not the whole time. People who don’t have to struggle hard for sanity take their lives for granted. I’d give my dick for a normal brain! Are you kidding me? Anyway. This is supposed to be uplifting and encouraging. For all the sufferers out there, I’m one with you. I’ve been through some funky shit, and lived to tell the tale. Somehow, despite my best efforts to the contrary. I have seen the edge and I know still that there is hope for my life and my future. I get to be the one who decides my fate. So I say: let it be a proud one. To whatever code you stand for, and to the means to the end of being sane, I salute you.


I try to keep my thoughts realistic, but there are times I suffer being solitary. I find I don’t have a lot to talk about with most people. My conceptualizations and ideas are not often the subject matter in question. Instead of compromise my standards in order to interact, I stay silent. In my attempts to reach-out to others, I give myself enough reasons to internalize.

It’s hard having unwavering standards. Even in the face of isolation, I still know better than to indulge common people for whatever sort of relationship could be garnered. Nothing lasting or meaningful ever got its start that way. Trust, respect, and understanding are skills lost to this generation. My peers are content with mediocrity, when I strive for more.

I just need to accept being alone. It is the way I have endured for most of my life, and it has had both good and bad moments. Whatever the short-term consequences of feeling sadness may temporarily distract, the inclination to continue doing things my way is overwhelming. I can’t reconcile feeling alone, because that’s just how it should be right now. It’s a bitter pill, because it’s hard up front and only pays off after a great deal of time goes by. I should be aware that though this sadness may be of my own making, I still accept the essentiality of its presence. For better or worse, I’m here with it.

About Me

I’m pretty new on the scene. I just recently became socially relevant as I have graduated from complete isolation into regular work. I am soon to have my own place in the fall, which is an attractive situation. I’m single, living alone in east county San Diego, but soon to be moving somewhere more or less half way in. I’m an ambitious fellow; a hard working overachiever. I play nice with others and have a good sense of humor about most everything. I’m not a practical joker, I don’t cut in line EVER. I always check my blind spot. I tend to make evaluative judgements based on an incomplete understanding. I rationalize and grasp for compassion. My eyes are sparkling light blue. I have no need for excessive hair. I model myself a amateur scientist, who got lost in poetry. I don’t make good momentary decisions. I doubt people who believe vicariously. I often wonder what new event awaits us all, as each day dawns. I think a lot of silly thoughts, some grotesque desires, a smattering of evil whisperings, and a lot of silence. I find the commonplace to be a reference to stability, the regular to be a canvas, the rest being at the whim of the artist. I’m not sure how much of myself I fully understand. It’s more than some but not quite a lot. Embarking on any sort of cooperative effort with me is largely about surviving the sadness and striving against hardship. I play PC games and generally prefer Real Time Strategy. I’m a thinker, then a doer. I’m not likely to wait for things to just happen, and I set my sights on reachable goals. I procrastinate when unhealthy. I find ways to drink strong coffee at odd times during the day. I don’t celebrate major holidays. I have a hard time finding the words to say goodbye.


Tried through trust
A stunted yearning
Piled up behind memories
Stinging tears tear down
Crisscrossed fingers
A together journey
Days, nights forever
Wilted by a wrathful heat
Nature being meek
Who’s running work ruined
A tale in sides
Wronged hurtfully
Hands don’t touch anymore
Soft and small
Stumbling over moments
Where the tides
Rush out to the deep

Remembering Those Times

When things were so blissful because I was in love. When my heart floated somewhere outside my body, and every day, I felt blessed. I was given a rare privilege, to embark on a life journey with another, and to vow oneself to that final objective. I found out that our ideas about togetherness were different, and our love was expendable. Somewhere back in the mercurial onset of our relationship, I was so very deep in love with you, so very proud and ready for the world. I was not dealing with my own personal stuff, but my life was so good, so happy, that none of it seemed to matter. I know now that it does work in at you, no matter how hard one tries to repress it.

I learned the hard way about myself, and how I need to be cared for. I wasn’t getting the right stuff, in the end, because the whole thing just got so convoluted and distant that it stopped making sense to me why we were still together. I remember thinking about it, but honestly, I knew she made me happy inside, every day, to have her in my life. Even as limited as things became, I still yearned for her affection. Like the way it was when she first came to my town. When we whisked her away from that rotten life she had been stuck in and brought her to a safe place where she could grow. I thought this was the plan, anyway. I wanted to build something with her, and I never took care of my own shit and lost my chance to do that.

I find myself more melancholy after I’ve consumed a great deal of alcohol the day before. I get so sad sometimes, remembering how good it felt to be hugged, loved, squeezed. How deep I was in her, how vital and fun we could be together. The way we were always laughing about something, no matter what it was. Or doing some unexpected, spontaneous, kooked-out thing. It was her originality that I admired, and it’s the driving force behind her creativity, which I know is profitable and still believe every dollar we spent on jewelry supplies was well spent. Never doubt committing resources to the creativity of others.

I guess this is the sad part of being too nostalgic. I get lost in soupy memories of good feelings, where I was stretching to the top of my comprehension of happiness. I remember those good things just as much as the bad, because I know what it’s like to be ecstatic, and I know what it’s like to suffer. This gives me a keen awareness of multiple emotional states. I know that though I may be happy right now, I’d be happier if I were in love with her again. I would be happier if I was doted on, smothered with affection, kissed, held… I don’t deserve any of that, but I certainly know what it was like to have it. I miss it so much sometimes.


I’m down to the short distance between waking activity and total unconsciousness. I remember times being buzzed like this and having sex with Jax. Sometimes drunk and stoned at the same time. We used to make a regular pilgrimage out to the east county to sit around and chortle. I tried to get out there as much as I could. I knew the bond was important as well as the conversation. I never thought anything of it beyond that. I really just liked the time to socialize and make a merry in the middle of the work week. Most of the time. I remind myself of times where things were awkward or not right, but they were infrequent. Jax would sometimes get “rubbed the wrong way” by my Dad’s gruff demeanor, and this was often a shortsighted assessment. He tends to assume the worst, or, guilty until proven innocent type mentality. She couldn’t see beyond that first layer though. I find myself wondering how well she really knew my family, their way, their natures? I don’t think so, because they reveal themselves as role models for the “imperfect” relationship: where conflict, betrayal and confusion abound. Yet, despite the depths of the depravity, they remained together. Agreeing that love would be impervious to circumstance. They transcend all the peril and trust in the bond of love. The eternal commitment of togetherness. I can think of no better role models for this than them.

But enough about what I had. Now let’s figure out what options I have left: likely barricading myself in a set of uncompromising scruples which will parse out the intellectuals from the chaff. I once hoped my blog would bring me closer to another person who could live with someone like me, but I was wrong. Turns out, we don’t always believe what we say. And promises aren’t meant to be kept.

I find my thoughts ever ebbing around what the future holds for me. I’m unclear as to the specifics of my rise, but I know it’s happening, slowly again. I can lean on my confidence to advance the cause of my career. Sounds like normal person activity to me. Hehe.

Anyway. I’m a bit jumbled up here. I think I’m a Popsicle then bed.

Independence Day

Mine is coming soon, and I’ve already started looking around for studio apartments. I’m not going anywhere for the duration of the training period. I’ve got to be sure I will continue as a full time employee before settling into a new home. Stability both financial and emotional. I’ve been excelling in all ways possible, reaching high. I strive to be the best I can. It’s all I can really trust in.

So America, happy birthday. The nation is a mostly good one. Better than most other places, anyway. I don’t have much else to say on the matter. It speaks for itself.

Hopefully you are somewhere still in you Jammies.


Shiny eyes , night
Steady heartbeats–
Taking flight.
Whim of wind,
Who’s cries did tire
All alone, dark
Huddled near the fire.
Return a way
The bleak drive–
Without mercy,
Turned over in the sea.
Dead to time
Thought of disparagingly.
Shallow pieces
Hunted by deep sharks,
Forgetting the future,
Betwixt the remarks.
Sunk in memories,
Chortling murderer…
Where are my pillow tears?
The world is tearing me apart.

Apocalypse Soon?

I’m a big believer in, what I have come to call: the Pacific Meteor Theory. The oceans on planet Earth account for 70% of the surface area of this spherical home of ours. It’s all connected, but in the northern hemisphere, the Pacific Ocean is the largest contiguous body of water there is. Interrupted my tiny islands, and bordered by HUGE dense population centers, the Pacific is a giant, horrible, sleeping predator waiting to strike. It’s a great sum of combustible fuel in the cosmic firestorm of our time. Granted, the probability of the Earth being slammed by a meteor of substantive size IN THAT AREA is really low. Really really low. But of all the other meteor impact scenarios, I see it as the most likely, and the most deadly.

It’s not hard to imagine something like this happening, having clearly dodged a bullet 9 miles above remotest Russia in 2013. We got lucky at Tunguska in 1908, which is still pretty recent history… in cosmic terms. Both times, they were over continental land… but still in the northern hemisphere… where the Pacific is. If we DON’T think about this, how are we going to be prepared? I’ve done some math, and here’s what the experts are telling me:

An asteroid of 500 meters in diameter would generate a tsunami which would devastate 180,000 square kilometers of coastal area and kill 30 million people. All of the pacific islands would be battered under a deep-water tsunami of over 66 feet high. And that’s 100 kilometers away from the impact. Spreading outward. Depending on WHICH area of the pacific, effects of large asteroids transcend mere oceanic woes and become global catastrophes. The probability of these things happening is basically unknown, because we have no idea how to quantify the density of objects idly floating about in the inner solar system. There may be oodles of things, and there may be very few. They’re REALLY small and hard to find with a conventional telescope, because they hardly reflect any light and generally look like a hole in space.

I see that earlier in the development there were all sorts of big impacts… but the time for that solar system development has long since gone by, and everything is pretty neatly organized in our solar family… but not totally. There are still little floating death blobs out there, and we should be ever aware how fragile a balance we have here on this fuzzy little Earth.




Can’t Fix Stupid

I find most of my fellow new hires do not take their jobs seriously. Or, hide it really well if they actually do. When the group gets to talking about what cars they like, or what movie they recently saw, I tend to get blurry and withdraw to my thoughts.

This is not inherently a malicious action, despite the seething frustration of endurance. I tend to think: “what does any of this have to do with me?” Because when stupid people ACTUALLY KNOW SOMETHING they just can’t wait to hold it over you and make you feel like an idiot for not knowing.

I think this comes primarily from a place of deep insecurity. Similar to the reflex that causes defensiveness and argumentation. But stupid people aren’t good at debating, so what they don’t know already, they lie about. It completes the circuit. Then, these people have confidence, because nothing and no one is smart enough to see through the guise they have made. Ok. Doubtful.

What really happens, is that I realize that YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. You might believe it, but I sure don’t buy what you’re selling. It’s obvious to me, and I could mess with you since I’ve got you all figured out, but I won’t because I’m ABOVE the fray and I won’t play your game like you want me to.

In short, I yearn for justice, but am unlikely to see it done. Delinquency and absent-mindedness pervade.

Ultimate Apocalypse Strategy Tips For Savvy Gamers

In the (mostly) balanced Ultimate Apocalypse 1 vs 1 match, seconds mean the difference between victory and defeat. You’re thinking: pish. Whatever. My strategy is just fine the way it is.

Well, if that were the case, you’d be the exception. Most of you UA gamers out there have tight multiplayer sequences that ensure victory somewhere in tier 2. Not fun. I prefer we get into tier 3 before all hell breaks loose. And against the Harder AI, that’s usually the case. Games last 16 – 21 minutes, and, lastly, go longer and you’re probably fucked anyway. In Dawn of War: Soulstorm, both buildings which harvest the two economic resources available begin to deteriorate as the game drags on. Eventually, their output is but a fraction of its original state. Be done killing your foe before that happens.

Also, always start two power generators and a barracks. Three or two builders, one or two focus on tier 1 in the first 90 seconds of the game. No matter what army you choose, you will need to execute some near-perfect permutation of what I said. Outcome of survival largely dependent upping hitting those marks at 90 and 180 seconds.

Once you lay the groundwork, the rest is just about surviving while having little or no standing army for most of the game. Crazy? Possibly…

But in actual practice, this approach consistently baffles the AI. They seem like they’re ready to fight right about when I’m half way to being ready. And, typically, I find a quick and powerful way to drive them off, after they’ve gnawed on my base a bit. It buys you the time you need to GET to that next tier unit to repel the insurgents. And it almost feels like the AI gets all bummed and they huddle back in their base and sulk. I’m always looking to take the ground YOU are so willing to vacate. Sure why not?

So don’t leave your best horse in the stable. Build ONLY your best units. Don’t fuck around with the flim-flam. Get to the good shit and then CRANK ON IT.

If you DON’T win with 17 of the same unit all piled up in your opponents base, you have failed to grasp the concept. If it’s good… why change it? Here’s a good reason: they build a counter to my first choice. So, have a second. Or a third if necessary. But winning strategies are a lot more fun than losing ones. I mean, I still lose a handful of games a session. Maybe 1 in 6. It happens. Almost always because of a bad unit matchup in their favor.

Moral of the story is: keep doing multiple things and stay alive. Remember that the computer will not forget to reenforce, or research technologies. They expand and learn at the same voracious speed all the time, and so to must you. If you PLAN to be around in the end (more often than not), respect the strat.

Pre Coffee Thoughts

I’m not big into social media. I’m reluctantly a part of Facebook, but only because my whole family is on there and we shit talk with each other. I’d miss out on those interactions otherwise… and even though I can be stubborn, I will sometimes cave in. But I generally draw the line at this point. My internet profile is pretty low.

But I could, theoretically, have a way to make even my most inane thoughts into massively distributed text transmissions. Even have a way for others to monitor my activity! Hooray?

I find the premise to be flawed. This “service” of message posting and sharing is highly suspect. First, unless it is your JOB in life to be famous and have people pay attention to you, one has no business owning an account. “Hi there, I’m Stoofus and I’ve got some thoughts about shoes.”

Is this really what we’ve stooped to? We now care enough about Joe Nobody to see a live stream of his every thought. I sense that we’re going to be disappointed. No one has THAT many rad thoughts. They probably hire someone to do the posts for them. Probably.

In short: don’t be hasty to deem every passing whim as recordable material. Some of what we think is just rubbish. Some being yet worthwhile. But how many “tweets” am I going to care about? How about none.

I know I’m an atypical individual. I’m generally not amused by what most people are captivated by. I find people to be a somewhat boring subject manner. Ideas are far more compelling and worth discussing. But I must be prepared to be alone in my thoughts and desires. No amount of hoping will ever make the “tweetsick” world any different. Sadly.

Nevertheless. We continue on, while making the pointed observations that help quantify or define the parameters of our awareness.