I’m down to the short distance between waking activity and total unconsciousness. I remember times being buzzed like this and having sex with Jax. Sometimes drunk and stoned at the same time. We used to make a regular pilgrimage out to the east county to sit around and chortle. I tried to get out there as much as I could. I knew the bond was important as well as the conversation. I never thought anything of it beyond that. I really just liked the time to socialize and make a merry in the middle of the work week. Most of the time. I remind myself of times where things were awkward or not right, but they were infrequent. Jax would sometimes get “rubbed the wrong way” by my Dad’s gruff demeanor, and this was often a shortsighted assessment. He tends to assume the worst, or, guilty until proven innocent type mentality. She couldn’t see beyond that first layer though. I find myself wondering how well she really knew my family, their way, their natures? I don’t think so, because they reveal themselves as role models for the “imperfect” relationship: where conflict, betrayal and confusion abound. Yet, despite the depths of the depravity, they remained together. Agreeing that love would be impervious to circumstance. They transcend all the peril and trust in the bond of love. The eternal commitment of togetherness. I can think of no better role models for this than them.

But enough about what I had. Now let’s figure out what options I have left: likely barricading myself in a set of uncompromising scruples which will parse out the intellectuals from the chaff. I once hoped my blog would bring me closer to another person who could live with someone like me, but I was wrong. Turns out, we don’t always believe what we say. And promises aren’t meant to be kept.

I find my thoughts ever ebbing around what the future holds for me. I’m unclear as to the specifics of my rise, but I know it’s happening, slowly again. I can lean on my confidence to advance the cause of my career. Sounds like normal person activity to me. Hehe.

Anyway. I’m a bit jumbled up here. I think I’m a Popsicle then bed.