I’ll bend your ear for a minute, if you give me a chance to whisper. I’ve got a handful of good jokes and a ton of miscellaneous science knowledge. When in doubt, use a metaphor!
Life is not meant to be spent meandering. It’s an active exercise in coordination followed by lots of driving. I find myself stumbling across these sentences. Perhaps there is more to the thought than we are capable of perceiving. I mean, without a side tone, how would we ever be able to talk to each other on the phone? I go apeshit if I can’t hear myself talking. It’s mind numbing not to hear your own voice. It’s like being deprived of your ultimate uniqueness. Which is why I wonder a lot about why so many people are OK with squandering their speech to some rudimentary grunt-based level. I have people in my social circle that basically speak their own language, and I only SORTA get it.
On nights like this, my mind will REFUSE to settle down until I’ve made a great deal of words. I’ve gleaned a bushel of new knowledge from my experiences of late. I think that’s a dutiful practice, the sculpting of the brain. The mind is an ever evolving thing, constantly plagued with our poor decisions and lack of attention paid. The mind is a rotten organ for most, who struggle for language and are limited to immediate experiential perception. This mode is disturbing, because it’s just plain EASY to let your brain deteriorate into mayonnaise. It’s all too common, because having your mind CHALLENGED is a pain in the ass my friend. It’s hard to learn, grow, PROGRESS. These things take a great deal of effort, and the mind is only weak because it is UNDERUSED. It’s a deadly weapon, if sharpened and tempered. But I don’t expect that to be a universal truth. Clearly it is not, because we are so easily, communally swayed by the whims of events, emotions, fleeting fancies. We are sensory based receivers and refuse to adapt because no one is threatening our dominance of existence. People lead privileged, unqualified, unearned lives. I do not.
In fact, my brain is abnormal, because it refuses to conduct messages in my brain across resource depleted synaptic gaps. Things are already hard folks. It’s an uphill battle from hard, to harder, to holy shit the weight of the world is smashing my skull in! I don’t panic easily, thankfully. I can be pretty rational under extreme duress. Often too rational… but that’s a tangent. Anyway, I struggle to survive because I’LL BE DAMNED IF THIS FUCKING ILLNESS WILL KEEP ME DOWN FOREVER. Albeit, things are going to be absurdly difficult from time to time, and I may lose a great many battles, but I refuse to just go away and be eaten by my disease. I can let my mind turn into silly putty if I want, but I don’t want. I’d rather be really, really smart.
And my mind, for all it’s defectatude, is a tremendously creative and original place (as some of you have figured out). I’ve worked hard to get where I am, and I’ve fucked up a whole lot… but I’m learning, really learning valuable things from the mistakes I have made. At least, I’m trying. I put a lot of effort into what I do, because I have only one way to represent myself in this world, and if you meet me, you will perceive me in a way that I intend you to. I do not mislead with false demeanor, or construe my objective. I’ll lay it down: this life we live in is a big fucking race, and the people winning the race are the ones who will do ANYTHING to win. You and I aren’t going to compete with them, frankly. But we CAN still strive, like they do, emulating qualities that define, not hinder our morality. My heart tells me to act like I want to be perceived, so, I do that to the best of my ability. I know I’m not going to win at the race of life. I don’t really want to. I’d rather just define myself as a human being, as best I can, and live a life that makes me proud to be me. I do the RIGHT THING every time. Because I won’t betray you, and I’ll sure as hell try to not let you down. I don’t want to be someone of societal relevance, I’d just rather try to figure out how to be me instead.
And I’ve got a lot of work to do still.