I hear music or lyrics and all I can do is remember her. “Marry that girl. Marry her anyway. No matter what you say.”
It seems fitting that my heart, being so capable of feeling, that when broken, causes no end of strife. I really do miss those big huge hugs I used to get when I came home.
Though to be honest, it was never really very enthusiastic. Especially when she started losing interest in the relationship. Things got distant in a hurry, and then we were just two autonomous beings sharing a space in which to live. Going from “in love” to that was excruciating to watch, and live. I tried to reestablish intimacy, but only I wanted it back. At the first clear opportunity to get out of that loveless arrangement, you made your move. I don’t blame you… it just sucks.
I’m aware of my shortcomings, and striving not to venture into dangerous territory again. My heart is largely out of the equation. It serves no practical function in my work environment or at home, so I try and keep my mind focused on the task at hand. I have everything to lose and very little to gain. Love has been ditched on the side of the road and is now hitch-hiking back to its home.
Sometimes I feel like someone is trying to flatten my heart in my chest, or tear it out entirely. I get frustrated with hurt, diminished by sadness. Time and it’s ever incessant passing are helping to harden me against emotional woes, but the fight wages on. Little reminders are painful, unintentional triggers which get me to thinking about how fundamentally un-hugged I am.