An Introspective Glimpse

I’m enjoying a Sunday without work and the related stresses. Franky though, I can’t say I’m at all struggling there. I’m doing quite well, and going above and beyond in most respects. I do this for my own reasons, not because I’m expecting some sort of dividend from my investment. The market is respect and the currency is effort. I’m rising stock, if those metaphorical circumstances maintain. I’m really only encumbered with my laundry, which is now down to 1 measly load per week. Nice. Efficiency is at a premium. My life in the most external of parameters is good. Arguably, the more internal this look becomes, the more unsettled landscape there is to behold. I my emotional consistency is in a turbid state between resolve and longing. I find no solace in others right now. There are hardly any who have garnered my respect, or would even know what to do with my respect if they had it.

It makes me stop and think that my little Fantasy Football League might be doomed because 3 of the people in it come from the stock of delinquent, giggly trainees. I think that even if they lose their jobs, nothing is preventing them from participating in the league. If they flake out entirely, I’ll find someone to replace them with before we draft. But other than that, I really have no acute worries. My bank account continues to go up as I get paid and don’t spend anything. I have enough money now to start thinking about a move out come mid August.

I found this check in template back from early 2013, when I was a lot more responsible about my mental health:

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 = serious problem, 10 = not a problem), rate the following:

Emotional Health:                             8

Physical Depression Symptoms:     9

Physical Anxiety Symptoms:           10

Racing Thoughts:                              10

Depressed Thoughts:                        9

Self-Esteem:                                       10

Concentration:                                   9

Enthusiasm:                                       10

Charisma:                                           10

Motivation:                                        10

Paranoia / Fear / Anxiety:             10

Outlook / Hope:                              9

OVERALL:                                   9/10

11 thoughts on “An Introspective Glimpse

  1. What an interesting combination of emotions all at the same time. You definitely have a gift to examine what is going on in your own mind, which is something that most people can’t do. I’ve been there, sometimes it is tough to find people that you can fully respect and let them inside your mind a little bit to see what is going on. Just know, that there are many people out there that actually have the capability to genuinely care for you as a person. Never lose sight of that, or your individuality.

    • Great reply, thank you. I have always hoped this little blog would attract the outstanding conscientious thinker type. It is good fortune for me that it has done so again! I truly appreciate your words of understanding and support. You posses the bravery of speech, to which I am curious. How have you faced similar situations? I find myself struggling whist necessarily alone, does this haunt you as well? I find myself lost in big ideas about the world, society and the way we are all so busy about comprehending each other. What’s on your mind?

  2. Lately, I have truly begun to examine my strengths and weaknesses. I have come to some remarkable conclusions. I have a knack for reaching out to others and really understanding those little things that make people tick. I would probably classify myself as more of a healer and a natural diplomat. We are such creatures of mood, and it is completely overwhelming at times. I appreciate your recognition of my bravery to speak. If I’m going to help someone, I need to be able to know what to say at the appropriate time, right? I do find myself lost in the big thoughts of the world sometimes, but others I would say that I am swimming upstream and am breaking new ground. Recognizing different perspectives, and maintaining a positive attitude has done me a LOT of good. The paradoxical nature of our minds and our world is arguably in my mind the most beautiful thing about being human. I enjoy comprehending each other and seeing how my words echo off someone else with a completely different upbringing and array of experiences.

    • So very eloquent and measured are your words. It’s refreshing. I agree with your sentiment; also aspire to a way of living positively in order to define myself as a being of worth. It’s not for the necessity of the reflected self that I do what I do… I pay no ransoms on my attention and make no demands of my time. So many of us live moment to moment, never giving pause to achievements, never reflecting on solemn regret. I take the time to observe my VERY human condition here, as best I can manage. I, again, am grateful for your attention, and will not disappoint you for your effort committed.

      • You are a being of worth for sure. Here you are, blogging in your spare time, just trying to make sense out of things in your own mind that make perfect sense, yet no sense at all. Many do live moment to moment, never pausing for self-reflection. Do you blame them? Self-reflection and combining my thoughts with others is how I am where I am today. Imagine this. When you look up at the stars one night, imagine all the other people doing the same exact thing. The stars mean something different to everyone. Yes, we all may recognize them as the same thing, but the physical reaction, the thoughts, and the feelings all differ! People laugh at me sometimes, because when I listen to classical music, I get chills and goosebumps and turn into a babbling baby. Don’t worry, when they are stressed out over giving a speech or how to boil potatoes, I have my laugh. Life is a learning experience, and as long as that is happening, I feel like a worthwhile individual.

      • I can’t blame anyone else for being who they are satisfactorily content in being. The world is an immediate gratification machine, with everything happening in a hurry no matter where you are or what you’re doing. No one has time to stop and get in touch with the core of the self. No one has time to just stop, listen, sit and breathe. It’s not my place to judge anyone else, but I’ll nevertheless lead by my example. I’ll do things in an honest and inspired way, no matter where I go, so that I can still hold my head up and be proud of myself no matter what bad shit happens to me. I need, and I say so as thought rightly imperative, to keep my mental health as the number one objective of my life. Everything else can come afterward. I am trying to succeed on my own and I have to be FULLY ok with who I am, all the time. That has been a difficult thing to do. I’m so glad to hear that I have an ally against the monotony of an unobserved life.

  3. From the looks of how things are at this moment, you are doing a fantastic job taking care of yourself and doing the right thing. I’m a very independent person, and feel like sometimes I can just tackle the world myself. As I have discovered, I NEED people. I have always been a social person, my phone is ringing constantly, but what I am trying to say is that others have truly given me that push into accepting myself, and really taking the time to be thankful for someone’s actions, or reflective over a past event. You don’t necessarily have to be fully okay with you are all the time. Things change, phases happen, and growth occurs. You do however, need to have wonderfully things planted within that heart, for if everything around you becomes a whirlwind, you can at least have a fulfilled heart. Life is unfathomably dense and deep, but simple too :). I wonder if this is how I’m going to feel in 10 years? Who knows. I love it.

    • Woof! Please excuse the grammar mistakes. I am not used to typing on a laptop. Just one more thing. Keep up the good work, and if you think no one else is proud of you, you are wrong. Some fellow blogger probably miles away is extremely proud. Thank you.

      • Thanks so much. I’m Westin, by the way.

        It has been enlightening having words with you. I admire your dignified and honest appraisals of the stark truths of reality. There’s no denying we live in a world full of obstacles, but we can still meet them with our heads held high. I know that, no matter what the outcome, I tried my hardest, and gave it my best effort. I will treasure your words and let them remind me of someone who cares. I would like to know you more, so please don’t loose touch with me. From an earnest interest to grow with someone who I have a good deal in common with, it would seem. May these be the first few transactions of a long and mutually beneficial engagement?

  4. My profound thanks, friend. My name is Jeff! It’s a pleasure speak to so freely! Don’t worry, I don’t lose track of people. I do my best to never take people for granted and always take time to understand where someone else is coming from.

    I have a Facebook as well.

    • Hi Jeff. It’s very nice to meet you. I post pretty regularly, so do listen in on the ever changing conversation. My discourse is often humorous and starkly honest. I don’t have another mode of being. It’s good to be appreciated so thank you very much for your words.

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