Perhaps my standards are too high, because I’ve experienced that if I lower mine, I lose everything in the end. It’s because I’m feeling trapped and contained, because we only have a set few things we can talk about and share, and we are unwilling to change. It seems estrangement is the inevitable consequence of discovery, because once I have learned how vastly different we are, the more I see how I’ll never be close to you. The more separate our islands will become. I seem to think that I’ll do just fine relocating you to my island, but you’d never have that. You want to be your own island.
I get why I compromise, thinking that the short term happiness it all brings will pervade. It never does, because I’m a lot more than anyone wants to abide. I have become a relationship pariah. This is not very accurate. Though I have repeatedly set myself up for disaster, like with Jax. I don’t know what to think about myself, only that now I’m so cautions about making the same mistake that I’ve cut myself off from the prospect entirely. I feel sad that I’m going to make myself really lonely, but I guess with the way I’ve been succeeding, I’ll take the trade.
It pains me some to do this, because I have a lot of affection to pour over you. I had given a different kind of effort each time, making my definition of love a diverse thing. Because I have loved for lust, and loved for settling down, and loved for partnership against mental illness, and I’ve failed in all my times at making this last. I have some idea that I’m a part of why these things fail, but really, It was always more than they signed on for, and it became apparent that I was deep with darkness. I’m sad because this is the mind and body I’m stuck with, and I’m doing the best I can with it. At the risk of shattering more lives, or propelling them in to new directions, I’ll abstain from the game for a while. I won’t do all this in a big fat rush to fill in the gaping hole in myself that COULD be temporarily filled with love. I could rush into things, and end up repeating the same mistakes I’d made in the past. I’d hurt, all over again, and feel love die inside me again, slowly over months and weeks and days. I can’t do that again. It hurts now, still, so badly to go through what I have been through. I am utterly alone in my understanding of that.
I wish only to reestablish myself in the tree of life, to restore a semblance of social presence. I have a long way to go, but I’m impressing the people around me as I go, which I suppose is reinforcement in my positive demeanor.
The world can be a deadly cruel place, and I’m sad that it is that way. But life is not fair, and bad things do happen all the time. I’ve swallowed my regret and I’m proceeding onward. I need to learn some valuable lessons about how and why I fall in love, and when it is a good time to do that. I may face this journey alone for a long time. I guess I’m ready to do that. I’m both proud of myself, and sad too.